I flee the flat and let myself into the empty coffee shop. It's eerie, being inside the coffee shop in the middle of the day when it's not open. The blinds and shutters are still closed, and it's dark and still and silent. I feel along the wall blindly for the lights, but even with the lights on I can barely see. Tears stain my face. I can't stop sobbing.

I feel like shit, and I just want to curl up on the Chesterfield sofa, but as soon as I sit down I have to stand up again, and do something, because I can't breathe with the energy and the fear and the thoughts swilling through me. My dad. Kitty's mum. This whole time, and I never knew. Or I never wanted to know. And Matt. I never knew.

I imagine Kitty's going to storm in here and continue the argument, so I'm tensed, waiting for her, waiting for round two. I'm ready for Ed to come and tell me I have to leave, that I can't stay in London anymore, that I don't belong. The empty, dark coffee shop freaks me out, and suddenly I imagine the ghost of Matt, who I never met, and I can almost imagine him standing amongst the bookshelves, staring at me, telling me I don't belong here.

I feel the weight of everything like a tightness in my chest and my breathing is shallow, and I know that this is a panic attack but right now I don't even want to stop it. I like the idea of collapsing in this coffee shop, waiting for someone to find me, waiting for someone to hug me and tell me it's all fine and nothing can ever hurt me. I curl up behind the counter, on the cold tiles below the coffee machine, and clutch at my knees and hope that someone will find me here in my theatrics and make everything go away. I want my mum.

But she's not coming, and I need to do something, so I stand up and wipe my face and turn on the coffee machine. The sound and smell of grinding beans settles me, somehow, and I stop hiccuping. So I make myself coffee, because I feel like I need something to calm me. I fill it with sweet vanilla syrup. I still feel anxious, and my body is on edge, surging with fight or flight emotions that haven't been actualised. I need to distract myself.

I pace the shelves, looking for something to distract myself. Then I grab the copy of Lord of the Rings and sit on the floor, leaning against the shelf, to read. I reread the series every year, without fail, because I love to be transported to the world of hobbits, wizards and elves. Focusing on the magical words of Tolkien manages to slow my breathing, just a little, and I allow myself to sink away, into the story.

Charlotte finds me like this, hours later, sitting in the empty bookshop, deep into the Lord of the Rings.

'Everyone upstairs was looking for you,' Charlotte says, but she sits cross-legged in front of me. No make up, her cherry red hair in a messy bun, wearing a t-shirt dress. 'They're worried about you.'

I wonder what I look like. A mess, probably.

'I just found out about Matt,' I say, somewhat uselessly, because I realise Charlotte must know. I remember Will's panic when he first saw the memoir, and I feel bad for forgetting about him. 'Is Will okay?' I ask.

Charlotte shakes her head. 'Matt was Will's best friend. I think he took Matt's death the hardest.'

'Char, how do you do this? All of it?' I ask. 'How did you all pretend that everything was fine, this whole time? How did I never know?'

'Well, that's just it,' Charlotte says. 'We've all been pretending.'

I close Tolkien's novel and clutch it to my chest. 'Why is everyone so fake?'

'I don't think anyone's fake,' Charlotte says. 'I just think that no one's figured out who they really are yet. And maybe we'll never figure it out.'

'So we're all lost.'

'But we're all lost, together.'

'But you've never liked me,' I say.

Charlotte leans back against the opposite bookshelf, and spreads her legs out. 'Sylvie is my best friend, and she's been there for me when no one else was. Matt and Ed gave me a chance, and a job, when I had no money and nowhere to live. And I've lived and worked alongside Will and Kitty and Harper for so long. They're my closest friends, and for a little while there, everything was perfect. And then Matt died and you came along. And you and Matt are so, so different. I didn't like the change.'

'Do you like Harper?' I ask her suddenly.

She shifts. 'I love Harper. But I don't want to be with Harper. I want to be with this group of friends. When I'm with this group... I'm not pretending. I'm not faking it.'

'Do you think Kitty likes Harper?' I ask.

'Harper doesn't like Kitty,' Charlotte says. 'He likes you.'

I swallow. 'How do you know that?'

'He's told me,' Charlotte says with a sigh. 'Harper has always had a thing for beautiful, messed up girls.'

'I shouldn't have kissed Ed,' I say.

'No,' Charlotte says. 'You shouldn't have.'

'I've always been one of those girls who's always had a boyfriend,' I admit. 'I'm just used to always having guys pay attention to me. So when Harper stopped paying attention to me I didn't really know what to do.'

Charlotte leans over and takes the Lord of the Rings book from my hand. She opens it to the map page, and says, 'I never read fantasy, but I love the maps. I used to draw maps all the time when I was a kid.'

'I love the magic, I think,' I say. 'And everything is always black and white. The good guys, the bad guys. I've spent my whole life trying to find the same kind of magic that these books gave me as a child.'

'When I moved to London...' Charlotte stops, and then looks up at me. 'Do you know why I moved to London?'

I shake my head.

'I was accepted into a fashion school in Paris,' Charlotte says. 'It was my dream to study there. But Luca, my boyfriend, was accepted into the London School of Economics.'

'You could have done long distance,' I protest. 'The Eurostar...'

Charlotte shrugs. 'I wanted to be with Luca. I chose him. He thought fashion wasn't worth pursuing. And you understand Luca was very smart, and ambitious, and my parents thought that being with him was more important than studying. So we moved to London, and found a room in a house with a Spanish girl, Maria, and a British girl, Sylvie.'

'So that's how you met Sylvie?'

Charlotte nods. 'Luca was always studying, and I was working in a bar. And Sylvie was always fighting with her boyfriend, George, and then we would go and party all night and arrive home at eight in the morning. And once, Sylvie and I came home and I was on a horrible come down, and I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep all day, and there was Maria in my bed, asleep with Luca.'

I inhale.

Charlotte shakes her head, shaking away the memory. 'We knew Matt from partying, because he was always partying. More than Sylvie and George. Matt and Ed were setting up this bookshop, with money from their parents, and they had rooms and jobs. So Sylvie and I moved here.'

'A silver lining, then, finding this place,' I say.

'Yes, a silver lining,' Charlotte says. 'But Sylvie has always been my best friend. When she broke up with George, I was trying to be there for her. But one night I was so drunk and George kissed me. Sylvie found out and she was pretty distraught.'

'But surely you didn't want to kiss him,' I say.

Charlotte shrugs. 'When we are drunk... well, we do things we regret. Kissing people.'

I let out a humourless laugh.

'This group, that we have here, in this bookstore... you are part of it, now, whether you want to be or not. But this is a group of friends. We fall apart when we let our feelings take over our friendships. The friendships are more important.'

• Author's Note •

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