Warning: this chapter contains mentions of conversion therapy and attempted suicide. If you get triggered by those topics, please skip the chapter. Also, above is the song "The Village" by Wrabel. I think I put this in "Tear In My Heart" as well, but it really fits this chapter so get the tissues ready folks, it's about to be a doozy. 

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I sat with Tyler on the roof of his building. Much like our date, Tyler had brought up pillows and blankets so we could get comfortable, but unlike our date, there was a thick feeling of dread in the air.

Tyler's jaw had an endless stream of tension coursing through it and his gaze had been fixed on the stars as he laid next to me, one hand behind his head for support and the other tightly gripping mine. I could see the conflict raging in his eyes as he tried to piece together what he was going to say to me.

I pulled my knees closer to my chest and held myself tighter with my free hand as ants of anxiety marched up my back, my mind spinning with the endless possibilities of what he was going to tell me. He could say that this was all an experiment and he wasn't really into guys. He could say that he'd lost his feelings for me. He could tell me he found someone else. All the possibilities were equally as heartbreaking, thus making me more scared.

"I...I felt so guilty when I first liked you," he suddenly said as he used his thumb to gently stroke my knuckles, his gaze still transfixed on the glowing stars above us. "Not just because you were already taken but because of...my mom."

My eyebrows furrowed at the revelation as I looked down at him. "Your mom?"

He nodded, his eyes flickering to mine before returning to the stars. "It's a long story, but, uh, you deserve to know. It's a long and messy one, Addi, and I don't want you to feel any kind of obligation to me for it, okay?"

I swallowed and mutely nodded before I laid down next to him, my back to the ground, and my gaze to the stars just like him. I didn't want him to feel any pressure from me staring at him.

He sighed. "So, my mom and I aren't on good terms. We don't even speak to each other, and that's because I'm bi. I've known for a long time but I never acted on it because my mom's super religious and at the time, I lived with her. She thought that LGBT people were abominations or whatever, you know, the usual stuff, and remember, I lived in Louisiana at the time which doesn't view kindly on gay folks. It created an identity crisis within me: who I really was versus who I was supposed to me. The constant battle tore me up inside and created a lot of internalized homophobia despite me already knowing that I was bi.

"Early in high school, I met this guy that I really liked. We started off as friends and then slowly became something more. He helped me navigate who I am and accept myself for it. He...He was my everything at the time– my rock, my smile, my laugh. Everything. And I know that sounds super overdramatic, especially since I was only a freshman at the time, but I was convinced that I was going to marry Jaden–that was his name. At the time we just felt so...final, you know?"

I mutely nodded as a weird feeling stirred in my chest hearing him speak of someone else so foundly, even if it was in the past tense.

He sighed. "Well, he was out to his parents who one-hundred percent supported him, but I wasn't out to my mom, mind you my father wasn't really in the picture. I honestly didn't have a real relationship with him until after this all went down, but I'll get to that in a sec. I really wanted to come out to my mom because I hated keeping secrets from her but, as I said, it was easier said than done. Instead, I slowly started coming out to people I trusted: close friends of mine, friends of his– and he was a theater kid so you know they didn't mind, as cliche as it sounds. So, long story short, we went to this party together and got like super drunk, right? It was my first time at a party party and I was a lightweight so it didn't take much to get me drunk, and before the thought crosses your mind, no he didn't roofie me or anything like that. But we ended up making out in the pool and a couple of his friends took pictures, not meaning anything by it.

"Well, one day and one massive hangover later, his friends sent the pictures to me. I didn't think anything of it, obviously, and I thought it was kind of cute. I left my phone on my bed to go warm up some dinner– I remember it real distinctly too: it was one of those microwave pizzas you get from the supermarket, a cup of those manderin orange things, and a light blue gatorade–and when I came back, my mom was looking at my phone with this look on her face. I mean, shocked doesn't really even describe it. It was more like disgust, betrayal, and hurt rolled into one expression. It crushed me.

"Before I could even say anything, she simply walked out without sparing me a glance, muttering how she couldn't handle it. She was pregnant with Serenity at the time and she was clutching her stomach as if to protect her unborn baby against me. Against the sinful abomination she thought I was."

HIs jaw set as he shook his head, the story obviously a hard one for him to recount.

"Hey," I gently said as I turned on my side and used my hand to gently turn his head toward me, "you're not a sin or an abomination, okay? I'm sorry that that happened to you, but it's not your fault. You didn't choose to be this way and you shouldn't be judged or condemned by those you love because of it."

He scoffed and shook his head. "My mom didn't see it that way. She saw me as something broken that needed to be fixed." He broke eye contact and looked just beyond my shoulder. I didn't try to rush him or pressure him into continuing. Instead, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in and resting my chin on his shoulder, gently placing a few kisses on his neck. I didn't expect the small act of affection to completely melt away his worries, especially because I had a nagging feeling that the worst was yet to come, but he did relax a bit under my lips.

He held me tighter but made no move to pull away or roll back over. "For the first few days, she avoided me like the plague, which was heartbreaking. She was my foundation at the time, my hero, what I aspired to be when I grew up. She was my mom, and having her treat me like a complete stranger in my own home was like a stab in the heart. After that, I had to break up with Jaden. The guilt and the pain from my mom's reaction were too much, and what made matters worse was how amazing I felt when I was with him. It felt so wrong that the person who was creating the most happiness in my life was partially the reason that my mom hated me.

"I started projecting on him and I could see how it was hurting us. How it was hurting him, and he didn't deserve that. So I cut ties with him and fell into a cycle of depression and self-loathing for what I'd put him and my mother through. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't tell days apart. I just couldn't, you know?"

I nodded, relating to his depressed rut, however, I kept my mouth shut not wanting to disrupt his flow of thoughts or discourage him from continuing.

"After about a week or so, my mom suddenly started acting normal around me. You know, asking me about my day, sitting down to watch TV with me, all that stuff as if nothing was wrong. However, she never addressed what had happened. She never asked about it, so I never told her anything more about it. I was just glad to have my best friend back, so I didn't want to do anything that could ruin it.

"But then my mom said she wanted to take me on a surprise trip. I was so excited because we never really got to go on trips often, especially because we were poorer people, you know, food stamps and assistance, that kind of thing. But the idea of not only going out of town but hopefully fully mending my relationship with my mom was far too good to pass up. I should've known better though. As I said, my mom saw me as broken and she thought it was her due diligence to fix me or try to anyway. So she...she tricked me into going to conversion therapy."

I couldn't stop the audible gasp that slid past my lips as I pulled myself up so I could look him in his eye, and my God, they were as expressive as ever. Pain, trauma, and despair tore through his eyes at the mere mention of the wretched place. Tears silently fell down his cheeks, but his eyes didn't meet mine. His body shook against me and I could see the muscles in his jaw fighting to keep it from shaking. "I...I don't know what happened. One moment she said we were going to have the best time of our lives and the next, she was staring at me through a glass door as I was pulled away, screaming and kicking, my God, I screamed, begging her to not do this to me. But she just watched, emotionless like a robot a-and I just–"

His words were interrupted by a painful sob being pulled from deep within his chest. I wasted no time pulling him back into me and drawing us up into a sitting position. He clutched onto me as if I'd slip away if he didn't invest all of his strength into me. "It was so bad, Addison," he sobbed.

I pressed a kiss into his hair before I barraged his forehead with the same light signs of affection. "I'm here, Tyler. I'm here, let it out."

I felt so powerless as he cried, his grip continuously tightening and loosening around me as he did so. All I wanted to do was jump into his mind and erase every bad memory of the damned place where people hid their hatred under a thin blanket woven of mistranslated words they claimed came from God. But if God couldn't be so cruel to people, how could they deem themselves worthy to inflict that pain on others? On Tyler?

"She left me there, Addi. She heard my screams, she knew what they'd do to me: electroshock therapy, horrible disgusting things to 'rewire' my brain. And she just left me there, Addi. Why couldn't she just accept me for me?"

"You don't need her, Tyler," I softly said as I ran my fingers up and down his spine. "If she can't accept you for you...that's on her, not you, okay? Besides, you have your dad and Serenity and...and I'm still here if you still want me."

He looked up at me, his eyes glossy and his wet cheeks shining in the moon's light. "Of course I want you, Addison. I never stopped."

Despite the heavy nature of our conversation, I felt a grin spread across my face. "Really?" The simple two syllable word was almost a whisper as it slid past my upturned lips.

"Really," he confirmed with a grin, though it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I never stopped either."

Tyler continued looking at me for a moment before he buried his head back into my chest. After a few moments of silence, he spoke again. "My mom never came to visit me and when I did see her again after almost a year, she'd already had Serenity, but she wouldn't bring her to visit me. She said she didn't want her daughter to be tainted. The fact that she could look me in the eyes and see the marks from the electroshock therapy and still say that without any remorse told me that there was no saving her. So I accepted my fate. No one was going to save me and I likely wouldn't be able to leave until I was eighteen. I was alone surrounded by people who hated me for who I am. That's when the depression hit, and it hit bad." He rolled up his pant leg and revealed a score of scars that I'd somehow failed to notice before, and my stomach dropped.

"It got so bad that they had to put me in a special room with little to nothing in it. They stopped giving me cans because I'd unraveled one and used it to cut myself. I almost bleed out but they got to me before I could. For the longest time, I was mad that they were able to stitch me back up. I wanted to die, but now I'm glad that they didn't let me, whether it was to keep a suicide off of their public record or because they really cared. I vote for the former." He scoffed. "But whatever the reason, it allowed me to form a relationship with my father and Serenity and...you."

A larger grin spread across my face as I gently stroked my jaw. "I'm the real winner here because I got to form a relationship with you."

He shook his head and looked down. "You're just saying that. But, uh...that's the reason why I acted the way I did when you told me about Kyra. It wasn't really that I blamed you, though it did rub me the wrong way that you didn't tell me sooner, I understand why you didn't. But it was mainly because it took me back to that place. The dirty walls, the ugly names, the shocks of electricity that pulsed through my brain in a gross attempt to make me straight. It reminded me of the place that I wanted to die in so badly before my dad– who literally knew nothing about me–found out and moved me out here with him and saved me from that hell hole and my homophobic mother. It was because I didn't know how people would react if they found out it was us. I was trying to protect myself from the hurt that might come, and I hurt you in the process...I'm sorry, I know it's dumb but–"

"No, Tyler, it's not dumb. Your feelings are one hundred percent real and one hundred percent valid. I don't ever want you to feel otherwise, and I especially don't want you to feel otherwise because of me, okay?"

He looked up at me with his hot chocolate eyes that made me melt like ice cream on a hot summer's day. It didn't matter how many times he looked at me, it would always feel like the first time. Always.

"So...you're not mad or disgusted? I'm not too damaged for you?"

My eyebrows furrowed as I gently swept my thumb across his wet sticky cheeks. "Of course, not, Tyler. I could never be mad and disgusted by you. This...this is just another part of you for me to hold onto and appreciate. You're so strong and you've helped me explore and accept myself in ways that I'd never thought possible before I laid my eyes on you. I can't say that I know how it feels because that's a blatant lie, however, I'm always here to listen, no matter how I feel at the moment or if we get into a fight or even if we separate for good, I'm always here for you Tyler. But, I do have some choice words for your mother and I may or may not have a blow torch with the 'hell-hole's' name on it, just drop the address and I'll be on my way."

A gorgeous grin spread across his beautiful face. "I think I'd like that."

I didn't know exactly who initiated it, but within moments, his lips were on mine. I took a deep breath, inhaling his intoxicating scent. It felt beyond good to taste him again. To hold him. To simply be with him. And the intensity he was kissing me back with told me he felt the same.

I slowly led us down until he was trapped between me and the ground, but if he opposed it, he didn't show it. He used his legs to cage me in on either side and my hands trailed down his body, the uneven smooth feeling of his scars pressing against my fingertips once I reached his legs. I quickly moved my hands, not wanting to accidently trigger him or make him feel uncomfortable. Instead, I gripped his hips and held him as close to me as possible, not only in an effort to make up for the time we'd negated our bodies to explore one another, but to also try to distract him from the dark memories he'd recounted.

And if he still felt the same way about me that he had that night he'd cuddled me when I was "sick", I was hopefully doing a good job. I just wanted to do so much for him. I wanted to hold him forever and chase away any dark cloud that dared to come near him. I wanted to hear his laugh every day and stare into his eyes every night. I wanted to feel his touch. I wanted to taste his lips.

I wanted him.

I needed him.

I loved him.

I loved him so much it hurt.

As if the filter between my brain and my mouth disappeared I softly spoke against his soft lips. "Ti voglio bene (I love you)." The words tumbled from my lips before I could stop them. My heart rammed in my chest as I silently prayed that he hadn't heard what I said. But my prayers remained unanswered as he pulled away and looked up at me.

"What did you say?"

My mouth became filled with a dryness that even a thousand cotton balls couldn't compete with. I'd ruined it. My arms that were holding me up above him started shaking. "Uh, um, nothing. I didn't say anything I just..."

My words died on my lips as a mischievous grin spread across his lips. "Say it again." His voice was as delicate as a feather as he bit his bottom lip. I decided that the next picture I was going to draw would be him at this moment with such a joy in his eyes that countered the faint tear trails that still stained his cheeks and a smile that rivaled that of a child.

I swallowed. "Ti voglio bene." The words were still soft as they departed my lips, but they must've satisfied him because he gripped the back of my neck and kissed me again. But there was a difference in the way his tongue slid between my lips and the way his hips bucked against mine. There was a difference in the way he tightly gripped my neck and squeezed my hips between his knees. It was all so different.

"That was the second sentence I learned in Italian," he gently confessed, his lips dancing against mine as he spoke.

I looked at him in shock. "R-Really?" He nodded. "Did...Did I make things weird?"

"No, Addison," he said with a chuckle before he reached up and ran this thumb across my jaw then my cheek then my eyebrow then finally settled on lacing his fingers behind my neck. "I love you too."

Those simple four words were enough to freeze me in my spot. A feeling unlike anything I'd ever felt bloomed within me as I climbed off of him, looking at him in disbelief. "You...You what?"

He sat up and looked at me, completely amused by my shock. "Addison Michael Bruno-Williams, ti voglio bene."

I brought a shaking hand up to my mouth in an effort to hide the huge grin that spread across my face. I couldn't stop myself from tightly wrapping my arms around Tyler who laughed hysterically as I planted kiss after kiss on his neck, face, and shoulders. "Addi, baby, slow down," he said between laughs, causing tingles to spread throughout my body and deep into my toes.

"I can't," I confessed as I looked at him again. "I...You have no idea how long I've waited to hear those words."

"You have no idea how long I've waited to say them."

I bit my bottom lip as I looked up at him, every memory we'd made and every memory we could make flashing through my head. It all still felt so unreal. I took his hand in mine and held it tight. "I'm sorry for what I did to you. There are no excuses, I should've been honest from the beginning and kept my promise. You have nothing to apologize for or be ashamed of. From now on, I'll be more open with you and I'll be here to listen to you for whatever, whenever, especially when it comes to our debates about which Disney movies are the best." He chuckled before I kissed the back of his hand. "I love you."

He climbed onto my lap and wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my shoulder and encasing me in a cocoon of warmth and euphoria. "I love you too."

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Wow, this chapter was...wow. Wow is the only way to describe it, right? But yeah, I hope you enjoyed this chapter since it's another double update. Hopefully now this explains why Tyler acts the way he does (how he accepted Addi's advances without showing any previous signs of interest, his reaction when Addi told him