24. Mistakes

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I sat criss-cross on my fathers' bed with a cup of ice cream in my hands. Sometime between the time I called Papa and when we got home, Padre had run to the corner store and picked me up all of the necessary ingredients to create my perfect bowl of ice cream: chocolate ice cream, gummy worms, whipped cream, and cherries. However, despite how tempting the frozen treat usually was, it remained untouched as it slowly melted in my lap.

The idea of eating anything at a time like this was blasphemous in my mind.

Papa and Padre were sitting across from me on the bed, and though they hadn't tried to force me to talk, I could practically feel their worry rolling off of them in waves as they watched me, trying to dissect the meanings behind my movements, or lack thereof.

My stomach clenched and twisted as Tyler's scent danced around me. I subconsciously hugged myself, causing his sweatshirt I was wearing to move closer to my body. Conflict moved within me seeing that the scent that usually brought me so much serenity and serotonin was now the source of all of my grief. Tears pooled in my eyes again but I quickly blinked them away.

My brain tried to rewind the tape of all of Tyler and I's best moments together, but I harshly stopped it, being so familiar with the plot that I could recite it in my sleep. It was just too painful.

"Addison, baby, please talk to us," Padre softly said as he gently put a hand on my knee, causing me to jump a bit before I brought my eyes up to meet his. "We're worried about you."

"You scared me on the phone, son. You've been scaring me all week, actually. Both of us," Papa admitted.

"We don't want to force you, but you need to tell us what has you so bent out of shape. I mean, you've just started eating regularly after not doing so for almost a week, the same thing applies to talking, and don't think we haven't noticed how tired you've been. Have you been sleeping?" Silence was Padre's response. He sighed. "Lord, Addison, what's going on?"

Too much, I thought.

They'll judge you. They'll blame you for everything. Save yourself the pain, lie yourself out of it. A voice within me said, harsh and threatening. What could they do anyway? You'd just be making things worse by freaking them out.

No, tell them. They deserve to know, and you never know how they can help until you tell them, another voice said, however, instead of feeling dark and heavy, it felt familiar as if Tyler were sitting next to me holding my hand through the darkness.

I sighed and made a move to put my bowl on the nightstand, but my hands were shaking too harshly. Papa took the bowl from me and set it down for me before I felt two pairs of eyes looking at me expectantly.

"Tyler and I broke up," I said, my voice weak and tired.

A look that mirrored that of relief flashed across my fathers' faces, though not because I broke up with Tyler but rather because they perceived that nothing more serious was afoot. "I'm so sorry, Addi," Papa said as he wrapped his arms around me. "I know how much you liked him."

"It'll all be okay. I know it's not what you want to hear, but maybe it's for the best," Padre added as he rubbed my arm in a comforting manner.

I shook my head. "No, it's not. We broke up because of me. I was being stupid and I wasn't telling the truth and in turn, I put him in danger. He hates me."

Papa shook his head. "Addi, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure what you did wasn't as bad as you make it out to be."

"It's worse." Tears welled up in my eyes. "Dad, I...I love him. I love him the way you said you love Padre. And...And I outed him."

A look of shock flashed across both of my dads' faces before they exchanged looks.

Papa held me tighter as his eyebrows furrowed. "What happened?"

The wall I was using to hold and hide everything came tumbling down and I told them everything from Tyler and I's progression in our relationship, to Kyra's threat in the gym, to coming out to Ian at the party, to Tyler and I's date, to the break up. By the end, I was sobbing into Papa's shoulder, though I had no tears left to cry. The recollection caused a whirlwind of emotions to tear through me, ripping me apart on the inside to the point that I was physically shaking on the outside.

"It's okay, Addi, let it out," Papa gently cooed as he kissed my forehead and ran his fingers through my hair while Padre rubbed my back.

"It's n-not o-okay! I messed everything up and–"

"–and it was an accident," Padre finished. "Addison, you have to understand that you'll make mistakes, some worse than others, but no mistake or misstep constitutes being outed. And while luckily neither of you were name-dropped, that falls into Kyra's hands. And although her actions are vile and completely out of character, she's the one who outed you. She's the one who did this, not you. And although, as your father and I and Ian have said, you should've told Tyler sooner, I understand where you came from. You're forgetting that I was in that same exact place. Both of us were. I don't fault you for doing what you thought was right, even though it didn't turn out the way you wanted. You didn't expect for any of this to happen, that's why they're called mistakes. We learn and grow from our mistakes."

"And I know you're hurt by Tyler's reactions, especially because you care about him so deeply, but he's shocked and hurt and confused. Like he said, we don't know his family situation and where they stand on the LGBTQ community, so this might be a scary situation for him. We're not blaming you but..." Papa trailed before he shook his head. "This shouldn't be happening. Not to you, not to anyone. I understand that Kyra's upset, but the fact that she went this far, especially knowing our story, this is unacceptable. In fact, I'm going to call her mom and–"

"No, dad, please don't," I begged as I brought my eyes up to Papa's. He was fuming. "I don't want to make things worse. Besides...I don't know, her mom might be in the same boat as her since they've both been in the same place and...look, I just don't want to add fuel to the fire."

"Well then, we can speak to the principal. This is all happening at school, right? She'll be able to put a stop to it and punish Kyra accordingly. What she's doing is putting people in danger," Padre suggested, but again I shook my head.

"The principal is going to want to know details and, like I said, Tyler isn't out yet and it's not my place to put him in a position where his hand would be forced." I sighed as I readjusted Tyler's sweatshirt. "I don't want to focus on Kyra right now. Besides, like you guys said when this all started, she's acting out of pain and I don't want to punish her even more than she's already been punished by my actions."

"But pain doesn't excuse her actions, Addison, and I don't want you to think it does. People who care about you don't do things like this, they just don't, and if she's willing to put you through all of this out of pain, then she should be ready for the repercussions." Papa's voice was stern as he spoke. Irritation swam through his words and swam laps in his eyes.

"Okay, but I really don't want to talk about that right now, I don't think I have the mental capacity to right now. I just...how do I get Tyler back? I feel so empty and alone without him. I mean, you should've seen the look in his eyes and heard his voice as he spoke...I broke him. How could I do that to someone I love?"

"Addison, honey, like we've already said, you didn't hurt him intentionally and I think he knows that. But for now, just give him the space that he asked for," Padre said as he gently swept my hair from my forehead. "I know it'll be hard, trust me I know, but you need to give him time to process everything. This is hard for you, and don't take this as me minimizing your feelings because that's not what I'm doing, but imagine how hard it must be for him assuming that he doesn't have a support system." The very thought was like a punch in the stomach. I got nauseous from the thought that I put him in a position to suffer alone in silence. "Just give him some space, and when both of you are ready, try to talk it out in a safe environment. You know this house is always open for anything, I mean duh, you live here, so take advantage of it. We're both here too."

"Yes," Papa agreed. "But for the time being, staying apart is the best for your emotional and physical safety. If Kyra sees that you two are physically separated, that'll likely fulfill her craving for revenge, thus might stop her from name dropping both of you. Make her think that she succeeded in separating you two for good, then she'll theoretically back off. But listen to me closely when I say this Addison, because if you don't and I find out another way, there are going to be some serious issues because there's no need for you to do anything stupid: if she continues making threats, let me know immediately and I will be in your principal's office in a heartbeat. You know what, I just might still go now because this whole situation is so ridiculous. But the point still stands: the moment you even think she's planning on telling, you call me. I don't care where I am or what I'm doing, I'll pick up and come right away, okay?"

"Same thing with me," Padre agreed.

Despite how juvenile and annoying they could be at times, my fathers were extremely serious when it came to me and my siblings, and didn't let anything slide. They loved us and they made sure to show it.

I nodded. "Okay."

Papa grinned down at me before he kissed my forehead. "I know it's scary, Addi, but your father and I are here for you. You can't forget that, okay?"

I mutely nodded as I buried my face in his chest. Both of my father's held me tighter and despite the reassurance they'd offered me, they couldn't stop the tears that fell from my eyes or the dark clouds that grew bigger and bigger over my head, blocking out all warmth and sunshine.

There in the warm protective arms of my fathers, I cried myself to sleep.

***

It was a bit past 12 in the morning and I was staring at my ceiling.

Outside of my window, I could hear the symphony of cars driving by and people walking the streets, creating the blood in the veins of the city that never slept.

I woke up at about 10:48 after I'd fallen asleep in my fathers' arms and I hadn't been able to go back to sleep since, not that I wanted to. I was afraid that if I closed my eyes even for a second, I'd see Tyler's smile or feel the ghost of his kisses or hear whispers of his laugh. I'd keep falling in love with him over and over again just to wake up without the title of being his.

My chest tightened as my stomach growled, begging for some kind of nourishment while simultaneously reminding me that food was a luxury that I wasn't worthy of. Despite the mild comfort the conversation I'd had mere hours ago had brought me, that comfort had come and gone and left me with nothing but questions and doubts. Would Kyra really stop if she thought she'd succeeded in tearing Tyler and I apart? Could I really get Tyler back? Was it possible to say enough apologies? Did she truly realize the dangerous cliff she was dangling us both over?

The thoughts made my head ache.

Suddenly, a knock sounded from my door so softly that I nearly thought I imagined it. "Addison, are you awake?" Azalea's voice gently called from the other side of the door to the point that I wouldn't have heard it if I were actually asleep. A part of me didn't want to respond in hopes that she would go away and leave me to wallow in my futile self pity, but the other part of me was desperate for the companionship of my best friend.

"If I wasn't awake before I definitely am now," I obnoxiously whisper-yelled back as I wiped the dampness from my cheeks from the tears that had pulled themselves from deep within me. I heard her softly chuckle before she slowly opened the door in order to avoid the hinges creaking and waking up my other siblings and parents.

"Hey," she said after she walked in and shut the door behind her. "Can't sleep either?"

"How did you know?" I asked as she climbed into my bed and laid next to me, though she didn't bother to actually get under the sheets.

She shrugged and the silver designs on her hair bonnet momentarily caught some of the moon's light that was slipping in from my window before releasing it again. "Call it our sibling connection or whatnot. What's been going on with you, Addi? You've been so...distant, and we usually tell each other everything but now it feels like...I don't know, like, I know you but I also don't and it scares me. First you started disappearing from dinner then you stopped talking to me and then your appearance started changing, then when you did start joining us it felt like you were hiding behind a mask and putting on a show just to fall apart again when the curtain dropped." She bit her lip and shook her head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to read you like that but I'm just...worried. You're, like, one of the strongest people I know and to see you like this hurts me, and as your sister, as annoying as you might think I am, it's my job to go down in the trenches with you the same way you've done for me so many times."

"I don't think you're annoying...at least not too annoying," I said with a humorless chuckle, causing her to give me the "seriously?" look since I'd completely ignored everything else she said.

I let out a breath of defeat as I turned on my side so I could face her, putting my hands under my head to support it. "Thanks, Azzy. It's just that things have been...complicated for the past month or so and it's only gotten worse. I'm...bisexual and I broke up with Kyra for this guy that I like and she caught us together. Needless to say, she didn't like it at all."

My sister knit her dark eyebrows together in thought. "Was it that guy who came over for dinner? Is that why she left so suddenly and so upset?"

I slowly nodded my head. "My and Kyra were already broken up but she didn't see it that way, it's a long story. But you can't tell anyone. He's not out yet."

She nodded in understanding. "Well, I'm happy for you, Addi. Does he make you happy?"

"Beyond belief," I instantly answered. "I...I love him."

A grin spread across her face as she whisper-squealed and hit me on my shoulder. "Aw, look at you two being so cute together! My brother's in love. So when can I start calling his brother-in-law?" she joked, completely unaware of how downhill everything had gotten. Once I broke eye contact, her smile fell. "What?"

"We, uh, we broke up today. Ky told me when she caught us that she had the power to out us since I'd hurt her, therefore she had the right to hurt me. I should've told him, but I didn't. I was too scared that my perfect fairytale would come crashing down. And she did. Not directly, but she started a rumor that there are two gay guys on the football team hooking up so...he found out and we broke up."

Azalea's eyes grew wide and her mouth went agape. "That rumor was about..." Her tone told me she'd heard the rumor too and the puzzle pieces started falling together. "My God, Addison, I'm so sorry."

"Me too," I admitted. "Papa and Padre talked everything out with me since they've had experience with it but...I don't know, I still feel so trapped and numb. Like I deserve it and that I don't have the right to feel so down since I'm the one who brought it upon us and I'm the one who put Tyler in danger and–"

I was silenced by Azzy pressing her finger to my lips. "Addi, stop. Don't go down this road, okay? It's not your fault."

The more people told me that, the less true it felt. The heat of frustration filled my chest as my vision blurred with tears yet again. I was tired of the salty drink of my tears because I knew that numbness would be it's chaser.

I just wanted to feel ok again.

Seeing my shift, Azalea wordlessly wrapped her arms around me and I held her close. However, I didn't let myself fall into the insurgent fit that was looming over my body like a thundercloud that was ready to release its storms at a moment's notice. I just let my baby sister hold me, consoling me in the wordless language of our youth.

I hadn't realized how much I missed my sister's embrace until that moment. Needless to say, neither of us got sleep that night.

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