Author's Note:

I'm so sorry. I have no other words. Gah.

xoxo,
Q.

I’ve been staring at this picture for a solid twenty minutes now, without exaggeration. Honestly, I’ve probably been staring at it for even more. I keep telling my brain to start functioning and tell me what it means, but I just can’t. So I decide to procrastinate, pulling out my phone and dialing Nate.

“What do you want?” He says as a greeting.

“I sold my soul to Josie Guthrie and I’m so sorry.” I blurt out quickly in one breath.

“What?” Nate says, completely lost.

I sigh. “I needed something from Josie Guthrie, so I told her you asked Jess out in order to get it. I’m sorry. I feel like a total jerk.”

“Good. You should.” Nate says. “But what is it you wanted from her?”

“Never mind. Just believe that it was important.” I say. “Are we cool?”

“Of course, man.” Nate replies, easily. “Talk to you later?”

“Yeah.” I answer and end the call.

I focus my attention back on the picture.

I can’t.

I just.

I don’t even.

Who could’ve possibly taken this picture? There’s no way Emery knew this was taken.

To clarify, the picture is of Emery and I in St. Thomas’ Psychiatric Hospital, when he took me to meet Ember. We’re holding hands and my lips are pressed to his cheek. We’re both completely unaware that the picture is being taken.

So here’s my question.

Who took that picture?

I already know it wasn’t Josie. After I promised to give her valuable information on Nate and Jess—which I still feel guilty about—she spilled all the details and told me that she got the tip from an anonymous email she couldn’t trace and that they would send the picture if Josie promised to tell everyone that Emery was the one who told her.

So whoever it was really wanted me to think Emery was the one who told.

I still have no idea.

And it’s aggravating me.

“Gabe!” I yell.

“What?” he shouts back.

“Come help me!” I demand.

I hear him grumble, but then his shuffling footsteps can be heard in the hallway and then my door opens and he comes in.

“What do you want?” He asks, closing the door behind him.

“Come help me figure out who outed me.” I say.
Suddenly he’s interested.

He grabs a chair and pulls up next to me. “Hold up. I thought Emery was the one who outed you.”

I shake my head and point to the picture on my screen. “No, look.”

Gabe really doesn’t need as long as I took to gather the same amount of information.

“Dude, there’s no way Emery knew this picture was being taken.” He says.

I nod, insistently. “I know. But then who took it?”

*

“Are you sure?” I ask for the hundredth time.

Gabe sighs once again. “For the last time, Luke, no, I’m not sure. There’s no way to be sure unless you confront her about it.”

“She’ll just deny it.” I say.

Gabe rolls his eyes. “No shit, Sherlock. It’s still your best shot.”

I rest my forehead in my hands. “This is so fucked up.”

Gabe snorts. “We passed ‘fucked up’ quite a while ago.”

I face him again. “But why would she be at the hospital? I refuse to believe she followed us, she’s not that batshit crazy.”

“I don’t know,” shrugs Gabe. “Maybe she did. Or maybe she was just there and she snapped the picture because she saw you guys.”

“Ugh,” I groan. “I really don’t wanna deal with this.”

Gabe slams me on the back, hard. “Tough shit.”
*

She doesn’t answer any of my phone calls.

I mean, I can’t honestly say I expected her to, but I still keep on hitting Redial despite it always going directly to voicemail.

It’s for this reason that I decide to track her down after school. I text Gabe telling him to wait for me to come and find him, and then head to where I assume she’ll be—by her locker.

Sure enough, there she is, applying a thick coat of lip-gloss on and I’m struck by a sudden sense of déjà vu.

But then I remind myself how different this situation is to the last.

“Luke.” She says with a twisted smile on her face. “How can I help you?”

“I need to talk to you.” I say firmly.

She snorts. “No time.”

“Make time.” I insist.

Her smile falters a bit when she realizes how serious I really am about this. She rolls her eyes and slams her locker shut.

“Fine. Five minutes, that’s all you get.” She says, and walks into an open classroom. I follow her, closing the door behind me.

She jumps up so she’s sitting on one of the desks.

She crosses her legs so her skirt hikes up.

She pops her bubblegum.

“It was you.” I say, realizing in that instant that I’m right.

“What was me?” she asks, innocently, arching her back and puffing out her chest.

“You sent the picture of me and Emery to Josie Guthrie.” I say.

Vanessa’s smile falters a little bit, but she catches herself in time.

“Why would I do that?” she asks.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Vanessa.” I snap. “I know it was you.”

She doesn’t really seem to want to defend herself. She shrugs easily, like it’s no big deal.

“Yeah, I did. I saw you guys in the hospital.” She says.

“What were you doing there anyway?” I ask.

Vanessa’s cheeks turn the faintest shade of pink. “I was visiting someone. Not that it’s any of your business.”

I almost feel bad for her, but then I remember why I’m here. “Yeah, well, my relationship with Emery was really none of your business either, but you didn’t seem to care about that, did you?”

Vanessa crosses her arms firmly. “Well, you could’ve at least told me.”

I stare at her like she’s lost her mind.

“Why?” I exclaim. “Why on earth would I tell you, of all people?”

“Because I was your girlfriend!” she yells, back on her feet. “Because you made me feel completely stupid and humiliated and like I wasn’t worthy of you!”

I’m silent as I soak all this in.

“Vanessa…” I finally manage to breathe out.

Vanessa sucks in a deep breath and refuses to look at me, blinking rapidly—blinking away tears.

“Vanessa, listen, I’m sorry.” I say with a sigh. “Really. If I had known earlier, I never would’ve done what I did. I never wanted to hurt you.”

She snorts; the oddly sensitive side of her is gone just as quickly as it came.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” She says. “I can do better.”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“Still.” She says with a little grin. “Despite getting caught, I served my purpose, didn’t I? You broke up with that kid, just like I knew you would. See, I know you, Luke Adams. I know what kind of guy you are. Just ‘cause you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re still not the same old player you’ve always been. Leopards never change their spots. You’ll always be this guy, Luke. You’ll get close to love…and then you’ll get scared and run in the opposite direction.”

I stare at her, unable to form words.

She shrugs. “I may be a bitch. But I’ll grow out of it. I may be the high school slut, but I know that one day, I am going to find someone who loves me for me, and when I do, I’m going to love him right back. But you? You don’t know how to love, Luke.”

And with that, she walks out of the classroom.

*

I’m really not sure what I’m supposed to think. I feel incredibly stupid. I feel like I should’ve known. I feel guilty. I think back to myself yelling at Emery all those times, thinking that he was lying when he claimed he didn’t tell…and all along, I was the one that was wrong.

I feel awful, genuinely sick to my stomach. And I don’t want to admit it to anyone. I can’t believe I completely cut off Emery. I didn’t even listen to him.

I need to get this out. I need to talk to someone about this. Honestly, the only person I want to talk to is Emery, but I can’t even begin to imagine what I would say to him.

I can’t talk to Alana about this. She would just respond with an “I told you so” and just be all smug about it.

Gabe’s already helped me so much with figuring out who it was that outed me—which I still can’t get over, fucking bitch. I clear my head of thoughts of her—mostly because I don’t want to think about what she told me—and decide to call Peter.

I go through my contacts until I find his name and, once again, I pause as my thumb hovers over the screen.

I don’t know why I’m hesitating. Peter has been clear in telling me that if I ever need his help in anything, that I should feel comfortable calling him at any time. So why am I so unsure?

That’s when I realize it.

Peter’s a great guy. He’s sweet and relaxed and witty, and he gives the greatest advice…but I don’t trust him enough to talk about the important things in my life. I don’t feel safe talking about the important things with him. Just as I start to worry about that, I convince myself that it’s because I’ve only known him for so long, and instead scroll to a name and a number I know I can trust.

It rings four times and then a panting voice says, “Hello?”

“Toby,” I say, immediately worried. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He replies, sounding confused. “Should I not be?”

“Why are you panting?” I ask.

“Oh, my phone was in my room and I was in the kitchen. Sorry.” He explains.

I breathe a sigh of relief. “Don’t be sorry. You just had me worried there for a second.”

Toby sighs sadly. “Hey, relax. I think we’re safe for now. So what’s up?”

“I found out who outed me.” I reply in a quick breath.

There’s a pause on the other line, and then Toby says, confusedly. “I thought it was Emery.”

I shake my head, even though I know he can’t see me. “It wasn’t.”

“Who was it then?” he asks.

“Vanessa.” I reply, my teeth gnashing.

Toby gasps audibly.

“What. The. Hell.” He says, dramatically. “Are you serious?”

“Yep.” I nod. “She admitted it.”

“Oh my God, Luke, what even…” he trails off, unable to finish. “This is insane. Did she say why?”

I roll my eyes. “Some garbage about me being her boyfriend first or whatever. It was complete bull.”

Toby whistles. “Woah, Luke, I’m sorry, man.”

“Thanks, little dude.” I say, flopping down on my bed.

“So what now?” he asks.

I sigh. “I don’t know. I feel like I need to talk to Emery about this, but I wouldn’t even know what to say.”

“I can imagine.” Toby says, understandingly. “Listen, Luke, I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. You know how it is with Emery, you really don’t have to think about what you say. You can just be yourself.”

I know he’s right. With Emery, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, or try to impress him…I can just be me, and he’s happy.

“Alright. Thanks, Toby.” I say, smiling.

“Anytime.” He replies, echoing the words I said to him months ago back at me. “I mean it.”

*

I feel so uncomfortable being at school. I don’t know how to carry myself. I greet Alana in the morning as usual, but I leave quickly, not wanting her to notice that something’s wrong.

It’s not even like someone’s wrong; I just…haven’t really soaked it all in yet. I make eye contact with Vanessa on the way to first period, but she quickly looks away and hurries off. I don’t say anything. I don’t want to think about our conversation right now.

I don’t really want to think about anything right now. I don’t even want to be here.

I’m scared of talking to Emery…but at the same time, I really, really want to talk to him, despite me having absolutely no idea where I’d even begin.

Walking to lunch with Emery would be the perfect time to talk to him about Vanessa, seeing as it’s a long walk and it’s just the two of us, but I can’t seem to get over the nervous feeling n my stomach.

Just when I gather up the courage to say something, we arrive in the busy lunch line and I give up.

I’ll just talk to him later.

When we take our seats at the usual table, Katy jumps into speech immediately.

“Okay, now that you’re all here, I have to tell you guys something.” She says, in a tone that suggests we’re about to hear some serious gossip.

“Spill.” Jess encourages.

 Katy pauses. “Okay, this might be totally inappropriate to be sharing so openly, but…”

“Okay, now you have to spill.” Jess demands.

Katy lets out a nervous giggle. “I slept with Rowan.”

Drew chokes on his water and Toby pats him on the back with a little smirk on his face.

Nate whistles provocatively and Katy blushes.

“How was it?” Jess asks, interestedly, leaning forward. This is where Alana and Nate mentally check out of the conversation.

“Better than having sex with Drew.” Katy replies, shooting Drew an apologetic grin.

Drew rolls his eyes.

“I didn’t know there was anything better than that.” Toby quips.

This is where Nate and Alana jump back in.

“Oh, he got you there.” Alana says, grinning at Katy, who waves her off.

“Okay, okay, you win.” She says to Toby, who grins and smacks his lips onto Drew’s.