Author's Note:

Okay, here's Chapter Seventeen. Enjoy this chapter, because (spoiler alert) something big is going to happen in the next. So this is the "calm before the storm". :)

xoxo,
Q.

PS: I'm hoping for 10k reads on the story before I upload Chapter Eighteen. CAN WE DO IT?!

I wake up to see Emery hovering over me with a sheepish smile on his face.

“Sorry.” He immediately says. “I didn’t want to wake you up; you look so cute when you’re sleeping.”

I smile and lean up to give him a kiss. He pulls away, wrinkling his nose.

“What?” I ask.

“You have morning breath.” He says, and I laugh, placing my hands on his chest and pushing him off slightly.

“Okay, okay, I’m going.” I say, and steal another quick kiss with a sneaky grin before going off to my bathroom. I observe myself in the mirror and groan quietly to myself.

My hair gets like this every morning and I know that it’s not going to calm down unless I take a shower. So, with a sigh, I pull off my t-shirt and jeans—which I accidentally slept in last night—and start the shower.

I take the quickest shower in the history of showers, as I’m too eager to get back to Emery. I wrap a towel around my waist and grab my toothbrush when the door opens.

Emery’s face immediately goes crimson and he stutters an apology before leaving and closing the door. I stare at the now-closed door with wide eyes, surprised at what just happened so quickly.

Then I chuckle to myself when I remember Emery’s blushing face.

After I brush my teeth and splash some water over my face, I pull my jeans back on. I hesitate when it comes to my t-shirt, and then roll my eyes and toss it in my laundry hamper.

I open the door and walk out of the bathroom and back into my room. Emery looks up when I enter and the blush immediately returns to his neck and face and he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip.
I grin. “This is highly enjoyable, you know.”

Emery groans. “Why are you laughing at my pain?” he says, dramatically, and I chuckle, opening my closet and looking for a shirt to put over my very shirtless chest.

He’s still watching me, biting his lip, though he thinks I don’t see him.

“Come here.” I say and he raises his eyebrows. I roll my eyes and beckon him over again. “Come here.”

Reluctantly, he gets off my bed and walks over to where I’m standing. I cradle his face in my hands and press my lips to his in a warm kiss. Emery smiles a little and his hands instinctively go around my waist. I feel a shiver go down my back when his skin makes contact with mine. I will never get over that.

Emery pulls away, grinning. “Put a shirt on.”

“Do I have to?” I whine.

He laughs. “Yes, you do.”

I stick my tongue out at him, but grab a random gray shirt from my closet and pull it on.

“What time is it?” I ask, tossing Emery a t-shirt to change into as well. He catches it and without hesitation changes into it. My fists clench when I see his scar, but Emery doesn’t catch this. Or maybe he just ignores it.

“Eleven.” He responds, and I raise my eyebrows.

“Is Gabe up?” I wonder aloud.

“How would I know?” Emery retorts and I grin at him.

“I’m gonna go check. Be right back.” I peck Emery’s cheek swiftly, which makes him smile, and then leave my bedroom. When I open Gabe’s door, I see a curled up figure under his blanket. I roll my eyes and pull the blanket off of him.

“Hey, asshole, get up.” I say, shoving him. He stirs, mumbling some nonsense and rubbing his eyes.

“Ugh, go away.” He says, when he sees me.

“I’m gonna make some breakfast. If you’re not down in half an hour, I’m not leaving any for you.” I say, cheerfully, before going back into my own room. Emery smiles when he sees me. I grin cheekily at him. “You want me to make you breakfast?”

He rolls his eyes. “Why are you even asking me that question?”

I laugh and take his hand and we go downstairs to the kitchen together. I never really eat breakfast on weekdays and on weekends, my mom usually makes a shit-ton of food that we can never finish.

I open the pantry and grab the first thing I see—pancake mix.

Our kitchen is always stocked for some reason. I can’t remember the last time our fridge was empty. I think my mom sees it as bad luck or something. I start making the batter, flicking pancake mix at Emery every now and them, which causes him to scowl at me, which in turn makes me laugh.

I feel so lighthearted, so free. I can’t remember ever feeling this good. I’ve never struggled with my sexuality before because…I mean, I guess I thought that everyone felt the way I did. But this feels so right. Like I’m supposed to be here, with Emery, as lame as that sounds.

I feel like I don’t have to try when I’m around Emery. I can just be. I don’t have to flirt, or try and impress him. I don’t have to act like someone I’m not or think about what I say before I say it.

I’m completely myself around him. In fact, I’m more of myself around him than I am with my own family, which could be slightly worrying if I let it be.

A part of me wishes I could be open about it. Because I feel so good about myself now. I feel so comfortable with who I am, because I finally know who I am. But then I remind myself that not everyone will be as comfortable as I am. I automatically think of Toby and Drew, and gnash my teeth together. It definitely wouldn’t be a good idea to come out now, and definitely not in my school…or even my city…or state. Or country. Or world.

No, the world isn’t fair to kids like Toby and Drew.

Kids like me.

*

Gabe wasn’t lying when he said that he’d bring the vodka. Don’t ask me where he got it, but after Katy and Alana arrive, Gabe comes downstairs with his arms full. And it’s quality stuff, man, not like the cheap gin we had at Nate’s house.

The doorbell rings again and, as Emery and the girls are talking and Gabe is setting all the alcohol on the table, I go over to open it.

Toby and Drew stand there, both of them with grins on their faces. Drew has a bandage around his head, covering his right ear, but he still looks completely carefree and happy.

“Hey guys.” I say, giving each of them a hug. “I can’t believe you made it.”

Toby raises his eyebrows. “You have no faith in us. No way we’re missing this.”

I snort. “I don’t know what you’re expecting, but nothing remotely exciting is going to happen, okay?”

Drew shoots me a smirk. “It is now that Toby and I are here.”

I laugh and close the door behind them. It blows my mind how Drew’s not even remotely upset. That’s why I love these guys. They manage to keep on going despite all the shit they’re forced to go through. Drew and Katy make eye contact and then quickly look away.

Emery grins. “Guys. You’re going to have to get over this whole virginity awkwardness.”

Toby looks at Emery with raised eyebrows and Drew’s eyes widen fearfully.

“I’m sorry, what virginity awkwardness in particular?” Toby asks.

Emery shoots me a terrified look and I just grin at him.

“Sorry, Em, you’re on your own.” I say with a laugh. Alana raises her eyebrows at me at the nickname, but I ignore her.

“Oh, well, uh…” Emery pauses. “Drew and Katy lost their virginities to each other.”

Toby’s eyes widen and both Drew and Katy bury their faces in their hands at the same time. There’s a small silence, and then Toby bursts into laughter. Drew looks up at him in surprise and Toby pulls him into a hug and kisses his temple. Katy’s face is crimson.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.” Toby says with a guffaw.

Emery grins. “Exactly, guys. It’s funny! Besides, Drew’s with Toby and Katy’s with Rowan, so y’all need to chill out.”

“Wait, you’re dating Rowan Smith?” Drew asks, his mouth agape. Katy nods, now grinning and blushing slightly. “Oh, girl, that man is capital H-O-T.”

“Wow, I’m loving the way this conversation turned out.” Toby says, sarcastically.

“Did you honestly and truly just say ‘y’all’?” I ask Emery, disbelievingly. “Oh lord, I am so proud!”

I pull him into a hug, which he futilely tries to fend off.

Alana grins at all of us, and Gabe groans dramatically, and I can tell it’s going to be fun even though there’s only a few of us here.

It’s a good group of people, people I love and trust, apparently enough to tell them my biggest—and only—secret.

Guess the yuletide really is gonna be gay this year.

*

Nate and Jess arrive together at ten, and as soon as the doorbell rings, Emery and I untangle our hands. Alana shoots me a sad look, but I shrug at her and get up to answer the door.

For the rest of the night, Emery and I sit away from each other, just in case. I make sure not to drink excessively, because we all know how that ends. Then, when Chase Jackson arrives, Alana and Jess glare at me, but I ignore them. Toby and Drew don’t seem remotely troubled, because Chase never once bothered them. Chase’s eyes widen when he sees the bandage around Drew’s head, though.

It starts to feel unfair.

Toby has his arm around Drew, protectively, and Katy is practically in Rowan’s lap. Even Nate and Jess are sitting ridiculously close to each other.

Why can’t we?

When Emery looks at Katy and Rowan, he immediately looks back down at the floor. I stare at him, guiltily, knowing that I’m the one who’s really keeping us a secret. Emery was open about his sexuality in his old school, even though it got him beaten up severely. But…it’s different. He’s known he was gay for years now. He’s had time to…get used to it, I guess.

I cast a look at Chase Jackson, who’s flirting with Angela Waters. He may feel sorry for what the rest of the team is doing to Toby and Drew, but no way in hell would he still be friends with me if he knew about me and Emery.

No, there’s just no way I can win, is there?

But then I look at Emery and I know I’ve already won. Even though we have to keep our relationship a secret, I know that both of us would rather that than not be with each other.

Oh, puke, that’s so fucking corny, I can’t even deal.

Emery catches my eye and shoots me a smile. I smile back at him.

*
I spend the entire Winter Break with Emery. My parents wanted us to go on some kind of family vacation or whatever, but I convinced them that Nate was in town and that we were gonna go to the skate park every day.

I don’t even have a skateboard.

My parents really are easy to lie to.

I feel guilty for lying to them, because they trust me so blindly, but it’s not like I have another option. So every day, I head out, with my parents saying their usual goodbyes to me and Gabe wagging his eyebrows at me, which I respond to by ignoring him.

You’d think I’d get sick of spending every single day with Emery, but I don’t. He’s such an interesting person and it feels so easy talking to him. It just feels right being with him.

I don’t know why. But it feels…real. It feels like more than dating. It feels like we’re sharing our lives. We’re sharing parts of ourselves with each other. I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it. All I know is it makes me extremely happy.

On New Years Day, I ring the doorbell and Mrs. Scott opens it. She smiles when she sees me.

“Luke, good to see you. Come on in.” she says, opening the door wider so as to let me in.

“Thanks.” I say, smiling at her.

“Emery’s upstairs.” She says, and walks back into the kitchen. After I slip off my sneakers and hang up my coat as per usual, I jump up the stairs and go into Emery’s bedroom. He smiles when he sees me and my stomach makes its familiar lurch.

“Hey.” He says, softly, greeting me with a swift kiss on the cheek.

“Hey.” I respond, smiling. “What’re we doing today?”

“Um…” he starts, looking away and speaking quietly. “Will you come visit my little sister with me?”

My eyebrows shoot up. “What?”

He bites down on his lip and squeezes his eyes shut tightly. I take his hand in mine in an attempt to calm him down.

“You really want me to come?” I ask, gently. He nods and I kiss his temple. “Then of course.”

*

It’s only when we’re at the door that I see the sign and the name of the hospital: St. Thomas’ Hospital Of Psychiatry.

My eyes immediately widen in surprise. Okay, I was expecting maybe cancer or meningitis…definitely not a mental hospital. Emery looks extremely pale and nervous, and I think it’s because I’m here with him, so I squeeze his hand and smile at him comfortingly. This seems to calm him down slightly and he smiles back at me, albeit weakly.

We walk in and it’s generally quiet, unlike a normal hospital, though doctors and nurses are walking the halls, with clipboards in their hands and serious expressions on their faces. Everyone looks like they have somewhere to be, which they probably do.

“Oh, Emery, it’s good to see you.” A doctor stops walking and comes towards us when he sees Emery. Emery shakes his hand.

“This is my, uh, friend. Luke.” Emery says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly and adorably.

I shake the doctor’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, Luke. I’m Dr. Ramsay.” He says, smiling, and then turns back to Emery. “I presume you’re here to see Ember.”

Emery nods, swallowing hard. I take his hand again, not caring about the doctor seeing us. Dr. Ramsay notices, but says nothing, which I appreciate, for Emery’s sake.

Dr. Ramsay leads us to one of the rooms, but Emery seems to know where he’s going without the doctor. When we’re outside of the door, I stop him.

“Are you sure you want me here, Em?” I ask. Emery squeezes his eyes shut and opens them again and then nods.

“Okay.” I murmur, and we enter the room.

“Ember, honey.” Dr. Ramsay says, softly. “Your brother’s here to see you.”

The little girl is sitting on the floor, persistently ripping up a piece of paper. I look at her with wide eyes. She doesn’t look seven. She looks four.

She glances up when the doctor says her name, and her eyes light up when she sees Emery.

Her eyes are exactly the same color as Emery’s, only so much bigger, which I didn’t think was humanly possible. She scrambles to her feet and runs at Emery, who picks her up and holds her closely in a hug.

Dr. Ramsay smiles and leaves the room without another word, closing the door behind him.

“Emmy!” The little girl squeals excitedly.

“How are you, Ember?” Emery asks, smiling, as he puts his sister down. She nods energetically.

“Good! Ashley came to visit yesterday.” Ember says.

Emery’s smile falters slightly, but then Ember’s eyes focus on me, curiously.

“Who’s this, Emmy?” she asks. Her language astounds me. I know she’s seven, but she looks so small, and it’s so strange to hear her speaking so well.

“This is Luke.” Emery says, smiling at me and taking my hand in his again.

Ember eyes me, suspiciously. “Is he nice?”

I grin and look at Emery with raised eyebrows. “Yeah, am I nice?”

Emery rolls his eyes at me. “He’s very nice, Ember.”

Ember shoots me another doubtful glance. “You said that about Matt.”

Emery’s smile wavers once again. “He’s not like Matt.” He says firmly. I look at him, questioningly, but he doesn’t explain any more. I make a mental note to ask him about it later.

Ember turns to me. “Why are you with my brother?” she asks, crossing her arms. She’s a cute kid, but I feel the same nervousness I felt when having dinner with Emery’s parents creeping up on me again.

“I like your brother a lot.” I say, honestly, and Emery smiles at me. “He makes me laugh, and he’s a really great guy. He’s brave and smart and he cares so much about everyone around him.”

Emery bites down on his lip, blushing slightly.

And he’s really hot, too.

I neglect saying that last bit out loud.

We spend about an hour visiting with Ember. After a few minutes of talking to me, her suspicious manner fades and she chatters away, excitedly.

I can’t figure out what’s wrong with her.

Besides her strange size, she seems like a completely normal seven-year-old. I watch Emery occasionally and the only times his smile weakens slightly is whenever Ember mentions anyone else coming to visit her, and I can’t figure that out either.

When we say goodbye, Ember gives Emery a big hug and then, to my surprise, she holds her arms out for me to hug her. I pick her up and hug her gently; scared I might break her small frame.

“Be good to my brother.” She murmurs in my ear. I nod, and set her back down. Emery waves goodbye and Ember waves back and then she sits down on the floor again and continues ripping paper like she was when we first came in.

“She likes you.” Emery says, his eyes wide.

“You sound so surprised.” I grin and Emery rolls his eyes.

“No, it’s just…she never likes any of my friends.” He says, thoughtfully.

I put a hand over my heart and pretend to be mortally offended. “Is that all I am to you?”

He laughs and pulls my hand away from my chest, interlocking his fingers with mine.

I don’t say anything else till we get in the car and start driving again.

“Why is she in there?” I ask.

Emery sighs and looks down at his hands, folded in his lap. “She’s schizophrenic.”

My eyes widen. “Oh my God.” I murmur. Jeez, does everyone in the world have some kind of giant fuck-up in their life?

“Yeah. My parents didn’t want to send her there at first. They thought they couldn’t handle it. But then…when she was five, she…” Emery stops talking, and swallows loudly. I take one of my hands off the steering wheel and hold it out for Emery to take.

“She tried to kill herself.” Emery finishes.

“What? Why?” I exclaim in surprise.

Emery sighs. “The ‘voices in her head’ told her to.” He says, and that ugly smile returns to his face. “So in Indiana, they put her into some mental hospital. When we moved up here, we just had her moved to this hospital. So she’s in there now. God knows for how long. I guess till she’s old enough to understand that’s it’s a disorder she has.”

“Emery, I’m…I’m so sorry.” I say, honestly. “I’m so sorry you have so much shit in your life.”

The smile I so greatly dislike slides off his face and he sighs and mumbles something under his breath.

“What was that?” I ask.

A pink tinge creeps up his neck. “At least there’s you.”

I smile and pull our intertwined hands up to my lips, kissing the back of his hand.

*

I don’t ask about Matt till we get back. I don’t want him to feel like I’m pressuring him. We go back to Emery’s place, and his mom greets us when we walk in. Emery doesn’t say anything about visiting Ember, so I follow his lead and keep my mouth shut. Mrs. Scott asks if I’m staying for dinner, and I tell her I can’t, as my mother insisted I spend more time at home with my family.

Emery pouts at me, and I roll my eyes.

“That’s not gonna work, you know.” I say, chuckling.

He bats his eyelashes.

I lean forward and murmur in his ear, “You really wanna do this here?”

He grins victoriously and grabs my hand before flying up the stairs, dragging me along with him. As soon as we’re upstairs, he slams me against the wall and presses his lips to mine. I automatically wrap my arms around his waist as