28 | louise bridge is falling

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Louise was surrounded by frogs.

She sat up, surveying the rolling green field. There were bullfrogs in knitted jumpers. Red-eyed frogs in boots. Large frogs eating crackers, small frogs in bowties, spotted frogs that were playing fiddles...

What the hell?

Louise climbed to her feet. She was dressed in a long white dress — not a dress that she would choose to purchase — and her feet were bare. A warm breeze rustled the trees, soothing as a mother whispering to a child. A large stone obelisk loomed ahead of her.

Louise blinked.

No, not an obelisk; a large tombstone.

She took halting steps toward it, stretching out a hand. It was bigger now, but she would have recognized the tombstone anywhere. She stretched out a hand, brushing the engraved words with her fingers.

Camille Langford

Loving mother, wife and sister

Always forward, never backward

She swallowed. Dropped her hand.

"Pretty cool, right?" a voice asked.

Louise whipped around.

Millie was sitting on a large grey boulder, eating an apple. She was dressed in jeans and a white cardigan, her dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. Juice dribbled down her chin. Her sister wiped it away with a pinkie finger, the gesture so odd and familiar and distinctly Millie that it brought a lump to Louise's throat.

"The frogs, I mean," Millie continued. "The tombstone's pretty cool too, but I wish you'd gone for a different font." Her sister tilted her head. "What is that? Baskerville? People will think I'm a wealthy Victorian lady that died of consumption."

Louise shook her head. "You can't be real."

"It's nice to see you, too."

Her sister finished the apple, pitching the core into the field. A tree sprung up from the ground, bursting into bloom, pink-and-black flowers exploding like umbrellas on a rainy London street. Louise's throat felt dry.

"Am I dead?" she asked.

"I hope not," Millie said. "I was going to ask you to redecorate the dining room, and it would be much harder to do that if you were dead."

"I don't understand," Louise said slowly. "How did I...?" It came back to her in a rush. "The car accident."

She saw it in flashes. Sebastian's sharp smile. Tires squealing. Glass shattering. Millie stacked her feet, one ankle resting on her toes.

"Yeah," her sister said. "That looked painful."

Louise swallowed. "So I am dead."

She wasn't sure how to feel about it. Part of her — and Louise hated to admit it, even to herself — felt relieved. There'd be no more nightmares. No more worrying about the endless to-do list, or arguing with the kids, or crying in the loo at work. She'd see her parents, and Millie, and James. Finally, Louise thought, finally, she could rest.

"Not exactly," Millie said. "You're in the In-Between. Consider it like a waiting room."

She bunched up her white skirts. "What if I want to come with you?"

"Don't say that."

"It could be for the best." Louise flopped down on the grass. "I'm not cut out to be a parent, Mils. I've messed it all up; Hugh's been suspended from school. Ben and I argue all the time. And Vienna..." She held out a hand, letting a small frog in a bowtie hop on to her palm. "Well, you know what Vienna's like. I know you thought I could do this, but I can't. I'm not you. No matter how hard I try, I'm not you."

"You don't have to be," Millie said.

Louise stroked the frog. "I miss you." A lump rose in her throat. "And Mum and Dad. I wish I'd been busy that night, or that we took a little longer at Harrods, or that James had the flu and you had to stay in. I wish that anything had been different. I need you, Mils." She looked up at her sister. "I can't do it without you."

Millie's green eyes — so like her own, Louise thought, and Max's, and all the Bentley's — were calm. "You can."

"I'm alone," Louise whispered.

"That's not true," Millie said. "And you know it."

Louise paused her petting, and the frog gave her an indignant look. She swallowed. Thought of Hugh humming to himself as he stacked LEGO, and Vienna happily smacking people with a plastic wand. Thought of Max ruffling her hair, and Ophelia reading a book, and Ella smiling as they clinked wineglasses.

And she thought of Ben.

Ben, his green eyes crinkled in amusement; Ben, hunched over his desk, rubbing at his jaw as he thought; Ben, dressed in grey trackies, flipping pancakes on a Sunday morning, his brow furrowed in concentration.

She would miss him.

And, if she were honest with herself, Louise knew that Ben would miss her, too.

The frog hopped off her hand.

Louise looked up. All the frogs were darting towards the obelisk; they vanished as they touched the stone, blinking out like stars. Millie rose.

"You don't have long," she said. "Do you want to go back?"

"I don't know," Louise said.

Her sister's face softened. "I can't decide for you, Lou. The choice is yours." She stepped closer. "But for the record, I never expected you to be the type of mother that knows how to sew or make gourmet dinners. I didn't give the kids to you because you're perfect; I gave the kids to you because you know how to make people feel loved."

There was a fierce pride on Millie's face, and Louise's eyes began to burn. She stretched out a hand to Millie — as she had done a million times before, on the way to school, or after a nightmare, or when she'd fallen on the ski hill — and her sister caught it, just as she always did.

Louise's throat felt thick. "I want to go back."

"Then go," Millie said, squeezing her hand.

"I love you."

Louise wanted to say it over and over again, to imprint the words on her sister's heart. She'd never get to say them again. Millie smiled, as if she knew that Louise was thinking. As if she'd been thinking the same.

"I love you more," Millie said. "Look forward, Louise." She dropped her hand. "It's the only way to keep going."

Her sister stepped towards the obelisk. Shafts of white light spilled in from all directions, like a cheese grater held up to the sun. Louise shielded her eyes.

"Millie?" Louise called.

Her sister's voice sounded distant. "Yes?"

"Was any of this real?"

"I don't know." She could hear the smile in Millie's voice. "You tell me."

And the world vanished.


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