Chapter 46

The hallway was abandoned when I entered. With trembling hands, I slowly sauntered towards the living room. 

Natigilan ako nang makita si Axev na nakatayo sa dulo ng hagdan. He was about to go up but he saw me and he stopped. Umawang ang labi ko nang masalo ang blangkong tingin niya.

While I was on my up, I was thinking of so many things, debating a lot of arguments, and assessing what I should say. However, now that I am in front of him, I am out of words.

"Why are you here?" He asked in the coldest voice I have ever heard.

My lips parted as I try to utter something, but to no avail, I only managed to lift a finger. My heart was pounding and clenching at the same time. I swallowed the lump in my throat and urged myself to say something.

"If you have nothing to say, then I have nothing to say too." Aniya at tinalikuran ako.

I watched him make his way to the stairs. Pumikit ako ng mariin at huminga ng malalim.

"What were you doing in my condo?" I asked in a low voice.

Tumigil siya sa kalagitnaan ng hagdan. Tumitig ako sa kaniyang likuran na pakiramdam ko pinanlalamigan din ako. I can't tell if he's angry or not. His eyes are blank like he shut his doors to me. At hindi ako sanay na gano'n.

I saw how his shoulders elevated and dropped. He took a deep breath three times before he faced me. His jaw was clenching so bad and he looks so tensed.

Napaatras ako nang mabilis siyang bumaba ng hagdan at naglakad patungo sa akin. Tumigil siya nang dalawang hakbang na lamang ay mararating na niya ako. Kinagat ko ng mariin ang pang-ibabang labi nang nakita ang galit sa kaniyang mga mata.

"I was near to being crazily mad because you're not answering my texts or calls for the past days. What am I doing there? Hindi pa ba malinaw sayo?" Aniya sa malamig na tono.

I heaved a deep breath and looked away. I couldn't stand his stare. Pakiramdam ko hinuhugot nito ang lakas ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong susunod na sasabihin. Naba-blangko ang isip ko.

He licked his lips and nodded. "What was he doing in your condo? Ano bang hindi ko alam, Dea?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin. Igting ng husto ang kaniyang panga at kunot ang noo. Bumalik ang isipan ko sa mga nakaraang araw. I bit my lip and puffed a breath. Hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag sa kaniya pero may parte sa aking ayaw nang magpaliwanag pa.

"You don't need to know," I replied.

Pumikit siya ng mariin at mas lalong kumuyom ang panga. Huminga siya ng malalim at nang magmulat ay bahagya nang namumula ang kaniya mga mata.

"Because I have no right?" He probed. "Because this is just nothing but a no-strings-attached relationship?" Aniya na parang alam niya ang tumatakbo sa isip ko.

I bit my lip to stop myself from saying anything. He stared at me. He clicked his neck and nodded.

"Then what about the kiss? What about the kiss, Dea?" His brows furrowed.

Kumunot ang aking noo. "What kiss?"

He tilted his head. He smiled blankly before he swung back his gaze on me.

"Do I need to turn a blind eye on that too?"

"What kiss are you talking about?" Bahagyang tumaas ang tono ng boses ko.

"You kissed him!" Mariin niyang sinabi. "You look so drunk with the kiss! I told you, I will do whatever you want me to do but I also told you not to play with my feelings. Stop playing with my feelings!"

Umawang ang labi ko sa hinaing niya. My fist clenched and the corner of my eyes watered. Pakiramdam ko dudugo na ang labi ko sa diin ng kagat ko. So he saw it? I felt like someone was watching us, that was him?

I want to apologize, to explain but what's there to explain anyway? I initiated it. It was my will to kiss Kean. I could not give him any explanation that would pacify him because I don't want to lie.

"So what if I kissed him? Am I not allowed? Pwede mong gawin pero bawal kapag ako? That's unfair." Nanginig ang boses ko.

Kumunot ng husto ang kaniyang noo. I smiled because he looks dumbfounded and confused. I want to attend to my wounded heart but my anger got me first.

"What?" He tilted his head.

"I almost believed your words, you know." I smiled even more. "You love me? That's bullshit."

His lips parted. His eyes slowly became see-through. His hazel eyes slowly revealed the emotions he was trying to hide. I saw pain and disbelief.

"I don't understand. If you're already happy with Gianna, ano pang kailangan mo sa akin? Why do you need to spend effort in convincing me with your two-faced love confessions? I don't understand..." umiling ako.

"What are you saying-"

Tumawa ako at halos sumigaw. "How dare you tell me to stop playing with your feelings?! You are the one playing here, Axev! Bakit hindi mo ako tigilan kung masaya ka na pala sa kaniya? Bakit kailangan mo pa akong aliwin sa mga salita mo?!"

"What the hell are you saying?!" Humakbang siya palapit sa akin pero mabilis akong umatras.

"You should have stayed in Palawan with her! Kung hindi ko pa makikita ang mga litratong 'yon hindi ko malalaman na pinaglalaruan mo ako. You can kiss and make out with others so why can't I?! Why can't I?!" Sigaw ko.

Natigilan siya at napatitig sa mukha ko. He closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. Umigting muli ang kaniyang panga nang nagmulat siya.

"You doubted all of my intentions because of those pictures?" Mahinang tanong niya.

He smiled a little and I could not sense any emotion in it. He heaved a deep breath.

"Did you ever trust me?" Tanong niya. "You could have asked..."

Nanginig ang labi ko. "Para saan pa? We're not in a relationship, we just fuck to satisfy each other. Why should I ask when it's crystal clear that she's your girlfriend?"

"Dea," huminga siya ng malalim, "she is not my girlfriend. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi 'yan sayo. And that was making love..."

Umiwas ako ng tingin nang tumulo ang luha ko. I feel like he's nearing his edge.

"I have only ever loved you. Ikaw at ikaw pa rin, hindi pa ba 'yon malinaw sayo? Just because of that picture, you doubted everything I said? You're right, why the fuck would I waste my time on you? That's because I love you!"

I gritted my teeth when I saw his bloodshot eyes. I don't know if I should believe the pain in his eyes, but it looks so real.

"How much more pain do you need to cause me?" He asked weakly. "How long do I need to endure until you realize that I love you enough to endure even a bullet for you?"

My eyes widened at his words. He stared at me like he's so tired of everything. Tumulo ang luha ko. Umiling ako at nagpunas ng luha.

"I want to know... do you love me?" He asked.

Umawang ang labi ko. Kumalabog ang dibdib at hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin. Naasiwa ako sa mga mata niyang pagod na. He looks like he's only holding on lightly, like his hands are bruised severely that he can't hold on any longer.

Hindi ako nagsalita. I know the answer to his question but now that I saw the agony in his eyes, I don't know if that's important now.

"I don't want to do this but I want to make you choose. If you choose me, I'd stay and if you choose him, I'd leave you now."

Nanlaki ang aking mga mata sa sinabi niya. Alam ko kung sinong tinutukoy niya. I looked at him in confusion. My brows furrowed and for a moment, my world stopped.

"What are you saying? Why are you making me choose?"

"Because I don't know if I should continue fighting for this love," he muttered.

"I thought we agreed that there should be no strings attached-"

"I want all of you! I want all the strings attached, Dea!" He cut me off. "I don't fucking want this kind of relationship but I wanted us to make this work. I wanted to do this because I want you. I want all of you every day and not just when you decide that I can have you!"

Pumikit siya ng mariin at tumingala. He's tired. He palmed his face and looked away.

"I'm giving all I can but every time I see you with him, I'm losing hope. You look so happy and carefree when you're with him. I want to be selfish because getting half of you is not enough. I want all of you. Is that so wrong?"

"Don't make me choose." Pumikit ako ng mariin.

"Choose, Dea."

"Stop making me choose, Evander!" I shouted.

Alam ko kung sinong pipiliin ko pero natatakot ako dahil hindi pa ako handa. I am a mess right now. I have so many things to take care of. I know I won't be able to give him what he deserves. I am not yet ready to love him with all that I have. I have hurt him so bad and I won't be able to make it up to him. I can't still do that.

"I lost you once and I could go through that shit again if that's what you want."

My tears fell. He stared at me. Mariin akong umiling. Please, don't make me choose now. I covered my face as I burst into tears. He remained standing in front of me.

Huminga ako ng malalim at pinahid ang mga luha sa pisngi. I looked at him with my heartbreaking.

"I'm choosing him, Axev." I said with trembling lips.

Tinitigan niya ako. Tears slowly formed in his eyes. His jaw moved before he turned his back on me without a word.

"Are you leaving me now?" Suminghap ako.

Tumigil siya pero hindi niya ako hinarap niya. Bumuhos ang luha ko pero pinigilan kong gumawa ng ingay.

"I'm leaving you because I can no longer look at you without my heart breaking." He muttered under his breath before he left for real.

Natigilan ako nang pagbukas ko ng pintuan ay nakita ko si Kean na naka-upo sa may living room. He's already on his uniform. Napatayo siya nang makita ako.

He stared at me. Pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin. I smiled a little at him even though I don't have the strength anymore. Mahapdi ang aking mga mata dahil hindi tumitigil ang buhos ng luha habang pauwi ako.

"Are you alright?" He asked when he neared me.

"Why are you still here? Anong oras na?" Ano mang gawin ko, hindi ko mapigilan ang panginginig ng boses ko.

Kumunot ng kaniyang noo at hinawakan ang mukha ko. Iniwas ko ang mukha dahil naiiyak na naman ako.

"What happened, Sien?" He asked.

Umiling ako at suminghap. I just want to go to my room and sleep. Wala na akong lakas.

"He made me choose and I... I chose you." I looked at him.

Kumunot ang kaniyang noo at unti-unti'y parang napagtanto niya kung anong ibig kong sabihin. Binitawan niya ako at pinasadahan ng kamay ang buhok.

"Why... why did you choose me?" He looks confused.

I bit my lip as my tears poured. I couldn't say my response properly. Nanghina ang tuhod ko at napaluhod na lamang sa sahig. Mabilis akong dinaluhan ni Kean kahit alam kong gulat pa rin siya.

"I know that you didn't choose me because you love me. Kaya bakit, Sien?"

"Takot na takot akong masaktan pero hindi ko alam sobra ko na palang siyang nasasaktan. I don't deserve him, Kean. I don't..." umiling ako.

I was crying so loud. Hindi ko na alintana na pinapanood niya ako. I just want the pain to be gone. I just want to rest and sleep so my mind won't need to shove me my mistakes.

"I don't understand my feelings anymore..."

I felt his arms around me. Mas lalo akong humagulhol. I cried everything, begging in the corner of my mind for someone to take the pain away. Everything is messed up, I messed it up.

Huminga ako ng malalim nang pagbukas ko ng pinto ay si Kean ang bumungad sa akin. Nagtaas siya ng kilay at pinakita sa akin ang dalawang plastic ng take out niya sa Jollibee.

"Hindi ka pumasok?" Tanong niya.

Ngumuso ako at sumunod sa kaniya sa may kitchen. Sigurado akong kagagaling niya ng ospital at dumiretso rito pagkatapos bumili ng pagkain. He messaged this afteroon me that he'll drop by. Kinusot ko ang mga matang mahapdi at pagod. Niyakap ko ang sarili at umupo.

"I took your advice," I said.

He smiled and nodded. He told me to rest. Na kung hindi ko na kaya, huwag kong pilitin ang sarili. I took his advice because I also think that I can't go to school in this state. I don't have the energy. I just want to do nothing and stay in my room.

"How are you feeling?"

Tipid akong ngumiti at hindi na sumagot. Kinuha ko ang isang box ng pagkain do'n at binuksan. I know that he's watching me. Nakatitig siya sa mukha ko. Narinig ko ang pag-buntong hininga niya kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin.

"Papasok ka ba bukas?" Tanong niya.

Umiling ako at nagsimulang kumain. I know that I am not in the position to get absent but going to school will also be useless. Wala akong lakas para gumawa ng kahit na ano. I just need one more day and maybe I can go back after that.

"Alright, take a rest as much as you want." Aniya at ngumiti.

Nang umalis siya ay nagkulong muli ako sa kwarto. My cries echoed in the room. It's surprising how I still have tears left to shed when I've been crying for the past days. Tulog lang ang pahinga ng mga mata ko pero bakit sa tuwing gigising ako ay basa pa rin ang aking mga pisngi? Pakiramdam ko kahit sa pagtulog ay umiiyak pa rin ako.

Kean:

Sunduin kita mamaya. Kain tayo sa labas?

Ngumuso ako nang mabasa ang text ni Kean. Nasa university ako at may dalawang klase pang natitira. Is this guy serious?

Sien:

You have so much time, huh?

Wala akong natanggap na reply pero nang uwian ko na ay tumawag siya. He said in he's outside gayong mag-aalas otso pa lang ng gabi. Anong oras ba ang out nito sa ospital? Bakit labas siya ng labas? Hindi ba siya napapagalitan?

"I took a shift last night so I'm out early today," Kean explained when I asked him how he's out so early.

"Are you still worried? I told you that I'm alright, you don't need to look after me. Hindi naman ako bata," sumimangot ako.

He smiled. "Your eyes look puffy."

I gritted my teeth and looked away. Hindi na ako nagsalita at tumitig na lamang sa labas. He sighed and continued driving. Dinala niya ako sa isang resto malapit sa condo. Hindi rin kami nagtagal dahil gusto kong magpahinga ng maaga.

Natigilan ako nang pagkapasok namin ng condo building ay nahagip ko ang pamilyar na mukha sa may longue. Nanlamig ako nang magkatinginan kami ni Gianna. Nagulat ako nang tumayo ito at naglakad palapit sa akin.

"Sien?" Tawag ni Kean nang mapansin na hindi na ako gumalaw.

He looked at where my eyes were directed. Tumigil si Gianna sa harap namin. Tiningnan nito si Kean at bahagyang tumaas ang kaniyang kilay. Bumaling ito sa akin at tinitigan ako.

"Can I talk to you?" She asked.

Kumunot ang aking noo. What's there to talk about? Tiningnan ko si Kean. He smiled and nodded. I stared at Gianna and nodded a little.

"Let's talk outside," Gianna said and turned her back on me.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at sinundan siya. Why is she here? Sa pagkakaalam ko, wala kamig dapat pag-usapan.

Sinundan ko siya sa may entrance ng basement parking. She faced me when I stopped beside her. Ang suot niyang pulang casual dress ay sumasayaw dahil sa hangin. Her hair is in a high ponytail.

"I came here to personally ask you if you're finally letting Axellis go." Tanong niya sa malamig na boses.

I froze for a moment. Kumunot ang aking noo nang tumaas ang kilay niya. Walang ekspresyon ang kaniyang mukha. Ibang iba sa palangiti niyang mukha.

"I know that you're not Axellis' friend and that you are his ex-girlfriend. He told me that he can't entertain my feelings because he's still in love with you. Hindi ko alam kung anong mayro'n sa inyong dalawa ngayon pero alam kong tapos na 'yon. You two are done, right?"

Mas lalong kumunot ang aking noo. I could not follow what she's saying but I think I can understand. It was obvious that she has feelings for Axev. It can't be denied.

"This shouldn't be your business, Ms. Mateo." I said seriously.

She smiled frankly at me. "The man I like is hurting because of you, Ms. Osiander. That, I think is my business."

I gritted my teeth when I felt my heart clenched. It's almost two weeks since I last talk to Evander. The urge to call him is overflowing but I couldn't do it. I can't do it, I should standby with my decision.

"You love him." Aniya.

It wasn't a question, but a statement. Tinitigan niya ako, bahagyang nanliit ang kaniyang mga mata.

"If you love him then why are you hurting him?" Kumunot ang kaniya noo.

Suminghap ako at malamig siyang tinitigan. "I don't deserve him, Ms. Mateo."

Unti-unti siyang ngumiti bago umiling. Pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin.

"Then make yourself deserving for him. Do you know how ironic our situation is?"

"It's easy for us to say things when we're not in that person's position, Ms. Mateo."

"You love him but you're not willing to compromise for him. I like him and I'm willing to do anything for him. I am ready to give him the world but you are his universe. How ironic, right?" She smiled.

Natahimik ako at napahugot ng malalim na hininga. Iniwas niya ang tingin sa akin at tumayo ng mabuti.

"He didn't want to accept the project in Dubai because of you and now, he accepted it before the project could even be passed to a different team. Kaya alam kong tapos na ang kung ano mang mayro'n sa inyong dalawa dahil tinanggap na niya 'yon." Aniya at muli akong nilingon. "Are you sure you won't regret letting him go, Ms. Osiander?"

Tinitigan ko siya, mabilis ang paghinga ko. "You deserve him more, Ms. Mateo."

Tinalikuran ko na siya bago ko pa mabawi lahat ng sinabi ko. Pumikit ako ng mariin nang tumulo ang luha ko.

"We'll be leaving for Dubai tomorrow. I will give him what he deserves, Ms. Osiander." She said before I could walk away.

Hindi ko na siya nilingon at mabilis na pumasok ng building. Kean was there waiting for me. I thought he left so I was a little surprised. Kaagad kong pinahid ang pisngi at ngumiti sa kaniya.

"Are you alright?" He asked when we're walking toward my unit.

Umiling ako, ayaw nang magsinungaling sa nararamdaman lalo na nang sunod sunod ang pagtulo ng luha. His question triggered my feelings. I was trying to be fine for the past days but now that he asked it, I realized I was really lying to myself.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at nag-squat sa sahig. I palmed my face as my tears poured.

"I want to give him what he deserves too," I whispered.

Naramdaman ko ang pag-squat ni Kean sa sahig para mapantayan ako.

"Then why don't you do that?" He asked softly.

"How... how can I do that when I'm barely struggling to bear with myself? How can I do that when I am a mess? Paano ko gagawin 'yon kung hirap na hirap ako sa sarili ko? If I chose him, I will only continue to hurt him." Umiling ako.

"He's a man, Sien." He smiled. "He's not a boy who would lash out on you because you're a mess. I know that he can handle you."

Umiling ako at sinabunutan ang sarili. "He's already successful and I am this girl who's barely surviving. I doubt myself so how can I trust myself to give him what he deserves?"

Tumango siya at niyakap ako. "I know what you want. Do you want to focus on yourself first? Do that. If that what makes you sleep better at night, do that. Are you sure you won't regret this?"

Umiling ako. I will regret this. I am so sure I am going to regret this. This time, it wasn't me who got tired. This time, it's him. And I didn't do anything to make it right. I was so caught up with myself that I disregarded his feelings.

I stared at the dull ceiling as I opened my eyes. Pumikit ako ng mariin at huminga ng malalim.