Chapter 28

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Chapter 28

"How are you these past days, Sien?"

Nginitian ko ang therapist at nagkibit-balikat.

"Getting better... I think."

Tumango ito at ngumiti pabalik. May kinuha siyang chart at may sinulat do'n bago ako muling tiningnan.

"Do you still have a hard time sleeping at night?"

"Twice or once in a week, I think."

"What have you been up to these days?" She asked after writing down something.

"The usual... but I'm starting to read some books you recommended."

She smiled. "That's good! Do you still cry a lot? What do you think changed after our last session?"

Huminga ako ng malalim at tumango. "I still do... nothing changed much really. I'm still trying to be kinder to myself."

Tumagal ang session ng isa't kalahating oras. Pagkatapos no'n ay lumabas na ako ng room at kinausap naman ito ni Tita. I've been undergoing therapy for two months. Iyon kaagad ang inasikaso ni Tita pagkarating namin ng Manila.

It was uncomfortable at first. I couldn't express my emotions well but Dr. Guzman helped me get over it. It's been two months and I could say that I'm starting to get better. I cut all my connections to most people I know, I took a break in social media and I focused on my therapy.

"Sien, Mia is here."

Tumayo ako at kinuha ang gym bag ko. Pagkatapos kong kausapin si Tita ay lumabas na ako para tingnan si Mia. She smiled when she saw me. She's one of my high school friends and she's the only one who knows that I'm in Manila.

"Tara na, nagsimula na raw sila."

Another month passed and my therapy just ended last week. The Doctor said that I could just come back if I feel like I need it again but I hope I don't anymore. Last month, I started joining dance classes with Mia to keep myself occupied.

Pagkarating namin sa ikalawang palapag ng gym kung nasaan ang dance class ay agad kaming pumwesto dahil late na kami. The dance instructor pointed us. Pinandilatan nito kami kaya natawa na lang ako.

"Ano? Tuloy ka na?" Tanong ni Mia habang nagpupunas ng pawis.

I drank on my hydro flask and nodded. Kinuha ko ang towel at nilagay sa balikat ko.

"I'm leaving next week."

Ngumuso ito at umupo sa tabi ko. Tinapik nito ang aking balikat at pareho kaming humarap sa mga nagsasayaw. They're the new batch, tapos na kami at mamaya ulit.

"Babalik ka naman 'di ba?" Tanong niya.

Ngumiti ako at tumawa. "Syempre, it's just for two months. I need to go back so I can prepare for the FEU-CAT."

"Akala ko sa Philippine Women's University?"

I shrugged. "Tita changed her mind. Aniya, mas gusto niyang magtapos ako sa alma matter niya."

"Sabagay, FEU is good. May kakilala akong nag-aaral do'n but she's taking nursing."

We talked for a while and when the DI called for our batch, tumayo na ulit kami. The next week, I left for Hawaii with Tita and Tito. I will be staying with Tita Carmen and her family. It's a good thing since my closest cousins are there. After two weeks, bumalik din si Tita at Tito sa Pilipinas.

During my stay there, I visited so many places. I also created new social media accounts and my friends there were limited. Si Tina lang ang kakilala ko from Cagayan. When we talked, kinamusta niya lang ako at ang buhay ko sa mga nakaraang buwan. I can sense that she's being extra careful not to mention anything to me, adding that I am not asking her anything.

"Sien?"

Lumingon ako at nakita si Karie, isa sa mga pinsan ko, nakatayo sa may mga rattan sun lounger. She was holding a phone in her hand.

"Someone's calling you," she waved my phone.

Mabilis kong tinanggal ang mga binti sa pool at tumayo para pumunta sa kaniya. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at nang makitang si Tina ang tumatawag sa Facetime, sinagot ko agad 'yon.

"Girl, pakitakpan." She rolled her eyes.

Tumawa ako at tinanggal ang cellphone sa pagkakatapat sa aking dibdib. I'm just wearing a bikini. Imbes na dalawang buwan lang ako rito, nag-extend ng isa pa pero siguradong uuwi na ako sa susunod na linggo para makapaghanda sa FEU-CAT.

"Bakit ang haggard mo?" I asked.

"The school year is done! Hello, third year!" She laughed.

I smiled and sat on the sun lounger. "Congratulations, Valentina."

She immediately glared at me. Tumawa ako. She really hates being called by her whole name.

"Ang baho talaga ng Valentina." She made a face. "Make sure to get admitted this school year. Hihintayin kita sa dulo."

"Yes, Tina. Nagpahinga lang naman ako pero wala akong balak tumigil. I still have the dream."

"Mabuti naman." She sighed. "How are you?"

"Better than ever," I smiled genuinely.

It was hard to overcome the things that happened and honestly, getting better is a lifelong process. I can say that I'm getting better every day because I chose to. I may not get my old self back but I'm also starting to love the new me. The old Sien is still there but it's overpowered by the new Sien.

We were talking about my experiences here when a question popped up in my mind. Kinagat ko ang labi habang pinapanood si Tina na magkwento. My heart clenched when I dodged the question but I was uneasy as minutes passed by.

"He graduated right?" The words slipped on my tongue.

Natigilan si Tina at nilapit ang mukha sa camera. Kumunot ang kaniyang noo.

"Ha? Ano 'yon?"

Ngumuso ako at napahugot ng malalim na hininga.

"He... graduated this month right? Or not?"

Tinitigan niya ako at ilang segundo bago siya tumango.

"Yeah, he did... as Summa Cum Laude."

Umawang ang labi ko pero agad ko ring itinikom. I... I feel proud. Nanikip ang dibdib ko at nilunok ang bukol sa lalamunan. That's good. His hard works paid off. Summa Cum Laude... that's too high. He said it's impossible to achieve that but he did. He did and I'm proud.

"That's good." Tumango ako at tipid na ngumiti.

Hindi na ako muling nagtanong at mukhang naramdaman naman iyon ni Tina kaya iniba niya ang usapan. Siya lang talaga ang kinakausap ko sa mga dating kaibigan ko sa Cagayan. Wala akong balita sa iba dahil hindi ko naman tinatanong si Tina.

It was another difficult time after I got admitted at FEU. Kahit nariyan si Tita para gabayan ako, I still need to adjust with the culture and the system. I was back to being a second-year student. Nothing changed about Med Tech, it's still challenging as ever.

I made friends that I struggled with. At some point, there's really that thought of giving up, especially when you're breaking down over a failed practical or moving exam. There are always those countless disappointments whenever you gave your best effort but it was still not enough.

"Sien?"

Agad kong pinunasan ang luha nang marinig ang boses ni Tita. Inayos ko ang mga libro at gamit sa lamesa at sakto namang nakalapit na siya sa akin. Nanatili akong nakayuko dahil alam kong nakatingin siya sa akin.

"What's wrong?"

Umiling ako at suminghap. I heard her sighed and fixed my books on the table.

"Mahirap?" She asked softly.

I raised my head a little and nodded. I didn't do well again in one of my major practical exams. It's frustrating because I know that I did my best to study. I didn't sleep for that pero bakit parang walang kwenta 'yon?

"Is this really your dream?"

Unti-unti kong inangat ang tingin kay Tita dahil sa tanong niya. Tipid siyang ngumiti sa akin at hinawi ang buhok na dumikit sa pisngi ko. Pinirmi ko ang labi at tumango.

"This is my dream."

Tumango siya at hinaplos ang pisngi ko.

"Everyone has dreams to chase but the important thing is to be carefree." She smiled. "Sien, you're always pressured... nakikita ko. You're putting too much pressure on yourself that you're not allowing it to rest or even enjoy just a little."

"Ang hirap po kasi..." humikbi ako.

"Everything is hard, nothing comes easy, Sien. Allow yourself to fail because it proves that you're trying. If you don't fail, then you're not even trying."

"I'm giving my best, Tita... pero parang kulang pa rin." Umiling ako.

Third year na ako and this is the last semester. Next year, if I will pass, I will have my internship already. Kaya hindi ko magawang mag-relax dahil pahirap ng pahirap.

"Parang kulang pa rin? You think of it that way because you don't appreciate your own efforts."

Tiningnan ko siya. Bumuntong hininga siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Pinisil niya ito at muling pinunasan ang aking pisngi.

"If you think that you have given your best, then that's good. Huwag mong isipin na parang kulang. That's your effort, your hard work, pinaghirapan mo 'yon. Instead of thinking that it's not enough, why don't you give credits to yourself for doing its best? Then tell yourself that next time, we'll do better than this. Ano sa tingin mo?" Ngumiti siya.

Kinagat ko ang labi at tumango. I palmed my face and cried. Niyakap ako ni Tita.

"Learn to rest when you're tired and learn to accept that failures are inevitable. However, don't let your failures define you. Do better than yesterday and be carefree. Malapit ka na... kaya mo 'yan."

Kumaway si Tina nang sagutin ko ang video call niya. Kakauwi ko lang galing university. Galing akong Sky Deck sa Intramuros kasama ang mga kaklase ko. Katatapos ng exams namin kaya nagkasiyahan.

Kagaya ng sinabi ni Tita, I should let myself enjoy as a reward for doing my best. And she's right, it helps me relax and forget even for a moment the hellish situation that I'm in.

"Ang laki ng eyebags mo," kumento niya.

Sumimangot ako at tumawa. "Mas malaki 'yong sayo."

Hinawakan niya ang mata at tumawa. She's wearing a scrub uniform. She's currently in Baguio for her internship. Kasama niya si Nicus. Naka-usap ko na si Nicus last year pa and of course, he had a lot of questions. Alam niya ang nangyari sa amin ni Yesica pero hindi ang mas mabigat na rason kung bakit ako umalis.

"Tangina, ang toxic naman kasi rito sa ospital. May mga kasama kami from other universities and my gosh, they are treating this as a competition! Kapag wala 'yong Chief Medtech, nagrerelax lang sila! Kapag nariyan, akala mo kung sino. Mga punyeta-"

And there she goes again with her rants. She's always telling how toxic her internship is. Kung ikukumpara sa posisyon, sila raw ang nasa pinakababa as interns. Mas mababa pa raw sa janitor. I don't know if she's kidding but whenever I hear her rants, kinikilabutan ako.

"Sa tingin mo ganiyan din kapag kami na?" Ngumuso ako.

She shrugged. "Depende, sana mababait mga boss niyo. Alam mo ba? May isang sobrang pakialamerang intern dito. Sobrang pabibo niya kaya muntik na niyang matapon 'yong CSF na nakalagay sa centrifuge! Putangina, kapag natapon niya 'yon, damay damay kaming lahat! Nakakaasar!"

Umawang ang labi ko. Hindi ko alam kung tatawa ako sa sinabi niya. What the hell?

"Seryoso? CSF?"

"Oo! Kapag natapon 'yon, sinasabi ko, gagawin ko siyang pasyente!"

CSF or cerebrospinal fluid is found in the brain and spinal cord. It is taken to diagnose if you have a problem in your nervous system. Sobrang hirap kumuha ng sample kaya naman parang ginto ito kung ituring.

"Kung natapon, e 'di ambag ambag na lang kayo ng sarili niyong CSF." I said and laughed.

"Girl, ikakamatay ko ang procedure." Hinawakan niya ang sentido at umaktong sobrang problemado.

"Hanggang internship ganiyan pa rin talaga style ng hair niyo?" I was pertaining to the bun.

"Sien, tatak Luwisyano 'to. Porket Tamaraw ka na ngayon?" Nagtaas siya ng kilay.

Tumawa ako at umiling. Nag-usap pa kami pero dahil kailangan ko nang mag-review at may gagawin na rin siya ay tinapos na namin ang tawag.

Kinabukasan ay nag-meet up kami ng mga kaklase ko sa Plug It sa may España Boulevard para mag-review. We always do this every time there's an upcoming quiz. Luckily, I found a good circle of friends. Iyong alam nilang magsaya pero alam din nilang magseryoso. Kung hindi sa España, nasa Dapitan naman kami.

"Nasaan si Lib?" Tanong ni Ciara.

"Nasa Tayuman. Nauna na, gagong 'yon." Umiling si Renz at binalik ang iPad sa bag.

I fixed my things too and put my iPad in the bag. Hinilot ko ang sentido at bumuga ng hangin.

"Huwag niyong sasabihin na maglalakad ulit tayo?" Si Ciara nang palabas na kami ng Plug It.

"Maganda sa brain function 'yon."

"Ang layo! Hindi tayo sa UST ha, FEU tayo." Ciara rolled her eyes.

Tumawa ako at tinapik sa balikat si Renz. Nag-commute na lang kami at kahit medyo traffic ay mas mabilis naman kaysa kung naglakad kami. Minsan kasi ay nilalakad na namin 'yon lalo na kung 'di naman kami naghahabol ng oras.

Pinuntahan namin ang ibang kaklase sa may Freedom Park. Si Lib na galing Tayuman at hindi kami sinipot ay muntik nang bugbugin ni Ciara. Sabay sabay na kaming pumasok pagkatapos mag-share ng mga reviewers.

"Fuck, this is so toxic." Renz massaged his temples.

Pumikit ako, medyo inaantok na. Tinabihan ako ni Renz sa sahig. We only have three months left for our internship and everyday gets really more toxic than yesterday because emergency calls are almost unending and laboratory tests come almost every hour. Wala pa akong maayos na tulog, pero nasanay na rin ang katawan ko.

"Guys, don't forget the comprehensive exam." Narinig ko ang boses ni Lib.

Nagmulat ako at nakita siyang nagtatanggal ng gloves. Galing yata siyang ward. Tiningnan niya kami at umiling.

"We still have one night shift left before day off. Spirit up!"

"My gosh! Nahawakan ko 'yong tae!" Nagdadabog si Ciara habang papasok ng room.

Hindi ko napigilang matawa. Renz laughed too and some other interns who's with us in the room. Ciara looks so problematic. Galing siyang laboratory.

"Ano bang gamit ng gloves, Ciara?" Umiling si Lib. "Guys, iwasan niyo na siya. She might be contaminated or something."

Sinapak ni Ciara si Lib kaya naman nag-asaran na sila. Hindi araw araw ganito dahil sobrang toxic ng schedule namin. Tuloy tuloy ang night shift, usually hanggang tatlong araw. Minsan lang kami magsasama-sama dahil palitan kami sa laboratory.

"Guys, zombies are coming!"

Agad kaming tumayo at nag-ayos. Iyong intern na natutulog na sa sahig ay parang patay na biglang nabuhay. I fixed myself as we wait for our clinical instructors or whom we refer as zombies. Sobrang istrikto kasi nila kaya naman lahat kami ay takot. They don't tolerate any kind of disobedience or mistake.

Tina was right when she said that this year is the most toxic year. You get to experience everything that you never imagined during the last three years. Naranasan ko nang mapagalitan sa mga staff o matulog sa morgue dahil pinagbantay ako pero sobrang pagod na ako no'n kaya hindi ko namalayan.

We have the dirtiest job here because we deal with different specimens and I've gotten used to it already. That's the real world. Of course, there would still be breakdowns but those things were now normal to me. Kung nadapa, bumabangon agad.

For the last three months, lumipat kami ng panibagong ospital. We were so careful not to get late or absent para hindi na ma-extend ang internship namin. I can confidently say that my skills are improving every day. I realized that you just need to be dedicated to embrace the suck.

Graduation day was one of the most fulfilling days. I cried so hard because I remembered how hard the four years were. Nag-flashback lahat sa akin ng hirap ko sa nagdaang taon. Looking back at it now, I realized it was all worth it. Everything is worth it.

Tina and Nicus were present during my graduation. They are now both working. Si Tina sa Makati habang si Nicus naman ay nasa Baguio. Nicus is planning to take medicine, I'm not sure. Hindi ko alam na pupunta sila dahil nga nagtatrabaho na sila, sinabihan ko lang si Tina na ga-graduate na ako. Hindi ko alam na niyaya niya pala si Nicus na mag-attend ng graduation day.

After graduation, I got busy reviewing for the board exam. We would meet then and now with some Tamaraw Medtech board passers for tips. The review lasted for months and during the board exam day, I can feel the support of the school. They were all out as much as we were.

"Congratulations, RMTs!"

Hindi ko mapigilan ang iyak habang tinitingnan ko ang result ng board exam. After three days, it was already released! Halos mabato ni Renz ang iPad niya at sunod kong nakita ang pagtatatalon nila.

3311 Osiander, Dea Siennen Almagro

I passed! Damn it, we passed! Niyakap ako ni Ciara habang nagtatalon siya. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin, umiiyak ako habang tinatawagan si Tita. She answered in three rings.

"Yes, Sien? Are you home?"

"Tita, I passed!" Nanginginig ang boses ko.

Natahimik siya sandali bago ko narinig ang reaksyon niya. Natawa ako habang pinapakinggan ang pagsigaw niya sa kabilang linya. I think she's happier than me! Tumingala ako sa langit at pumikit. Mom... I hope you're proud too.

I celebrated with my friends to the point that we got so wasted. At last, a break from everything! Parang isang mabigat na bato na nakadagan sa dibdib ko ang natanggal. All the hard works, sacrifices, pain and everything... it all paid off.

"Sien, nasaan ka na?"

I was checking my pouch while fixing my lipstick. Tina, Nicus and Darwin are in Manila. They want to celebrate my success kahit sinabi kong hindi na pero mapilit si Tina. Pumayag na rin ako dahil syempre, gusto ko rin silang makita lalo na si Darwin na ilang taon ko nang hindi nakita.

"Papunta na ako," I said.

"Okay, papunta na rin kami. Baka mauna na kami ro'n, we'll just wait for you inside."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa isang bar nila naisipang mag-celebrate. I used my car to go to the place. Hindi ko ito madalas ginagamit. It was a gift from Tita and Tito. Nilagay ko ang coat sa kanang braso habang papasok ng bar. I'm wearing a black cami top, leather skirt and black heels.

"Tina, where are you? I'm already here."

I was calling Tina to ask where they are, medyo maingay sa bar dahil sa music. The neon lights were blinding and half are hyped up. Dumaan ako sa may harap ng bar counter habang hinahanap kung nasaan sina Tina.

"Second floor, Sien. Hinatayin kita sa hagdan."

Pagkatapos kong ibaba ang tawag ay dumiretso ako sa hagdan. May nabangga pa akong babae na mukhang wasted na at inaalalayan ng kasama niyang babae. Umiling ako at napangiti. Of course, I've been on that situation before. Sina Ciara ang nag-uwi sa akin.

"Sien!"

I smiled at Tina when I saw her. She's wearing a sexy outfit. Ngumisi ako at hinalikan siya sa pisngi nang makalapit. Nag-uusap kami habang papunta sa table nila. Nang makita ako nina Darwin at Nicus ay tumayo sila agad. I hugged Nicus and then I faced Darwin.

"Long time no see, Darwin." I smiled.

"Wow," he exclaimed and chuckled. "You changed... a lot."

Umiling ako at niyakap siya. Gano'n din naman siya. Mas mahaba ang buhok niya ngayon at mas lumaki ang pangangatawan. Umupo ako sa tabi niya pagkatapos ipatong ang coat sa likod ng upuan. They already ordered for drinks.

We started drinking while they started asking me questions. I just found out that Nicus just finished his contract in Baguio so he's currently unemployed. And Darwin on the other hand is working in Laguna, he's just on vacation.

"What are your plans now?" Si Nicus pagkatapos ubusin ang laman ng baso niya.

Ngumiti ako dahil alam kong sa utak ko ay desidido na ako. "I'm going to pursue medicine."

"Really?" Si Darwin. "That's

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