Chapter 25

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Chapter 25

I stared at the empty bottle in front of me. I looked around the store before landing my gaze on the empty bottle again.

Anong oras na ba? Tiningnan ko ang wristwatch. Tatlong oras na pala ako rito sa Gongcha. Hinilamos ko ang palad sa mukha at humugot ng malalim na hininga. Should I go now? Madilim na sa labas, alam ko.

I inhaled a large amount of breath and stood up. There's no point in going back to the university. It's past 8 in the evening already. Sigurado akong sarado na ang mga room sa Lecaros. I left my bag there and my phone and wallet is inside it. Buti nga at may pera pala ako sa bulsa ng uniform ko.

I feel drained and heedless of my surrounding. My mind is spinning around what happened today and part of it is travelling back to the past. I cannot explain how I feel or maybe I'm just too beat to process it.

Halos makatulog ako sa biyahe pauwi. Si Manong Julius ang nagbukas ng gate para sa akin. Wala pa ang dalawang sasakyan, ibig sabihin hindi pa umuuwi sina Tita.

"Sien, buti naman at nakauwi ka na! Akala ko kung anong nangyari sayo." Bungad ni Ate Caria sa akin.

"Galing akong SM, Ate." Pagod kahit ang boses ko.

"Ha? Gano'n ba? Nasa loob si Axev. Kanina pa naghihintay. Pumunta siya rito ng mga alas syete pagkatapos ay umalis din at kababalik lang ulit. Hinahanap ka, nag-aalala sayo."

Kumunot ang aking noo. Tinuro ni Ate Caria ang living room bago lumabas ng bahay para kausapin si Manong Julius. Mabilis akong nagtungo sa living room at nang makita si Axev ay natigilan din.

Agad siyang tumayo nang makita ako. Salubong ang kilay niya at halata ang pagod sa kaniyang mukha. Hindi ko alam pero mas lalo akong nanghina nang makita ko siya. Nanginig ang labi ko at naramdaman ang panunubig ng mga mata.

Gusto kong takbuhin ang distansya namin at yakapin siya ng mahigpit. Gusto kong sabihin lahat ng nagpapabigat ng loob ko pero umurong ako nang makita ang pagod at antok sa mukha niya. He's carrying with him his drawing tube, T-Square and laptop bag.

"Saan ka galing?" He asked coldly.

Hindi ako agad nagsalita dahil mukhang galit siya. My heart clenched when he walked towards me. His expression was hard but there was a glimpse of worry in his eyes. Tumayo siya sa harapan ko at pinasadahan ng tingin ang buong katawan ko.

"You didn't attend your last class and you left your bag. Saan ka pumunta?" Kumunot ang kaniyang noo.

I opened my mouth to say something but I think even my mouth is tired. Tumingala ako sa kaniya at mas lalong umurong ang luha ko nang makita ang panlalamig niya. He looks so tired and sleepless.

"You left your phone too. Where did you go?" He asked coldly again.

Saglit akong pumikit at nang muling nagmulat ay halos maiyak ako. I don't know, I really don't know how to express what I am feeling inside. And to be questioned by him in this manner is triggering something inside me. My lips trembled and my tears poured without a warning.

"Can't you just ask if I'm okay?" I gasped.

His lips parted. He closed his eyes for a second and heaved a deep breathe. Niyakap niya ako ng walang pasabi. My tears poured on his uniform.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered. "I was just worried. Tinawagan ako ni Tina para ibigay ang bag mo dahil hindi ka raw pumasok sa huling klase niyo. You left everything so I don't know how to reach you."

Hindi ako nagsalita at umiyak lang sa dibdib niya. He was rubbing my back but I still don't feel okay. I want to say so many things but I don't know how to put it in words. Ilang minutong gano'n bago ako humiwalay. I wiped my own tears while he tried to help me.

"Nag-aalala lang ako. I was about to call your Tita just now." Aniya.

"I'm fine," Is all that I could say.

"No, you're not. May problema ba?" Tanong niya at inangat ang mukha ko gamit ang kaniyang hintuturo.

I stared at his eyes. Should I tell him? Sa gitna ng paninitig ay narinig ko ang pagtunog ng message ringtone niya. Hindi niya iyon pinansin at nanatili ang tingin sa akin. Huminga ako ng malalim at umiling na lamang.

"I'm... I'm just tired. Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko kanina kaya hindi na ako pumasok."

He stared at me for a while, like he's trying to see if I'm saying the truth or not. I tried to smile and palmed my face.

"Sobrang pagod lang ako at hindi ko na talaga kayang magpatuloy kanina. Hindi ko nadala ang bag ko dahil nagmamadali ako sa pag-alis."

"Bakit hindi ka umuwi ng diretso?" His brows furrowed.

"Nagpalamig ako sa SM. I just... I just want to rest now." I smiled a little.

Umiling siya. "Are you sure that's the only-"

He was interrupted when a phone rang. Sa kaniya 'yon, I know his ringtone. Kaagad niyang kinuha ang cellphone sa bulsa at sinagot ang tawag. It says there 'Christine'. I think it's his classmate. Iyong madalas kong makita na kaklase niya.

"Hey," he greeted, not tearing his gaze away from me. "Sorry... oo, pupunta ako. Alas nwebe?"

Pinirmi ko ang labi at humugot ng malalim na hininga. Napapadalas ang overnight nila dahil sa mga ginagawa nilang design. And it's already past eight in the evening. He needs to go now but part of me... wanted him to stay because even if I can't tell him right now, I still want his presence.

"Sige, uuwi lang ako at maliligo. Diretso na ako r'yan." He said and ended the call.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga nang magkatinginan ulit kami. He sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of nose.

"I need to go." He sighed. "I'm worried so just take a rest, alright? Tawagan mo ako kung may problema."

Tipid akong tumango. Niyakap niya ako saglit bago binalikan ang mga gamit niya at umalis. Kinuha ko na rin ang bag ko at umakyat sa taas. I checked my phone but I didn't reply to any message.

Buong gabi, halos hindi ako makatulog. Hindi matanggal sa isipan ko ang lahat. I slept late and woke up so early. Four in the morning, I am already awake and I have nothing to do. Wala akong ganang magbasa kahit may quiz ngayong araw.

Axev wasn't online and we didn't talk much last night. He was obviously busy, he didn't message me anymore after he replied to my good night message. I forced myself out of my bed so I can go to school. Ayaw kong magtaka sina Tita... dahil hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sa kanila ang nalaman ko.

Some of my classmates asked me why I skipped class. Si Kean pala ang nagbigay ng bag ko kay Tina. I gave them the same reason I gave to Axev. Tina saw me before I entered my class and I told her the same. I don't have the energy to explain to them so I just keep on repeating my answer.

I feel so paranoid and I hated it. Sa tuwing nakabukas ang pintuan ng room at may dumaraan na mga teachers, napapalingon ako agad. At sa tuwing lilipat kami ng room, hindi ko maiwasang sumulyap sa mga nagkaklase, sa isip na baka siya ang nagtuturo.

The day finished and I was so eager to go home. Mag-isa ako habang naglalakad papunta sa main. Gusto ko na lang umuwi at magkulong sa kwarto. I didn't even check my phone for almost the whole day. Nasa harap na ako ng friendship park nang mapalingon ako sa may hagdanan papunta sa library dahil sa tawanan.

Natigilan ako nang makita si Yesica. May mga kasama siya. She was smiling and laughing while talking to her companions. And when her head turned to my way, kaagad akong lumihis ng daan. Nanginig ang mga tuhod ko habang umiikot sa kabilang direksyon.

Kimberly Alvarez.

Yesica Alvarez.

It just doesn't sink in to me wholly. I can't... I really can't comprehend it. How could this happen? Hindi ko alam kung paano nangyari 'to, pero mas hindi ko alam kung paano tanggapin.

I never met Yesica's parents. She's the most silent in our group and there are a lot of things I don't know about her. But this? This is unbelievable. I don't even know where to begin with.

"Okay ka lang?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nang makita si Kean ay muli kong binalik ang tingin sa kawalan. Another week just started and I feel drained again. Monday pa lang pero pang-Friday na ang pagod ko. We have only a week left before midterms and lessons are heavy now.

"Just tired." I said.

"We have a quiz later, kakayanin mo ba?"

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at tumango na lamang. I didn't do well on the quiz because I didn't review. I was pre-occupied all weekend. And I just really don't have the drive to focus.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga nang matapos ang subject namin bago ang Biochemistry. Dala ang bag, tumayo ako at naglakad palabas ng pintuan. I saw Kean watching me but I didn't pay attention to him.

"Saan ka pupunta, Sien?" Tanong ni Kelly na naka-upo malapit sa may pintuan.

"Kuha lang ako ng gamot sa clinic, masakit ang ulo ko." I lied.

Hindi ko na hinintay ang sasabihin niya at mabilis na naglakad palabas ng room. Nasa ikalawang palapag na ako nang makita ko ang pag-akyat ng taong iniiwasan ko. She was talking to one of my classmates who's holding a bag of projector. My throat ran dry and I immediately went into an empty classroom. I waited for them until they disappeared before I moved out and left the campus in haste.

Kean Cansino:

Saan ka? Start na ng Biochem.

I didn't reply to his message. Sa library ako nagpunta at umupo sa pinakasulok kung saan walang istorbo. I don't want to attend her class. It's hard to breathe if we're in the same room for all I could remember is what happened in the past. It's starting to consume me.

Nagdadalawang isip pa ako kung a-attend pa ako ng huling klase. I already skipped class the last time. I tried sleeping while waiting for the time but I can't. I have too much in mind and it's heavy. Pagkatapos ng oras ng Biochemistry ay tumayo na ako. I will attend my last class.

"Saan ka galing?" Bungad agad ni Kelly nang pumasok ako sa room.

Kuryosong tingin ang binigay ng mga kaklase ko sa akin. I massaged my temple and smiled a little.

"Nasa clinic ako."

I didn't entertain more questions. Nang makabalik ako sa upuan ay nahagip ko ang paninitig ni Kean sa akin. He raised his hand and showed me a thumbs up, asking if I'm okay. I nodded and smiled before shoving my face on the table.

"Sien, boyfriend mo." Siniko ako ni Tina.

I stopped eating my crackers and glanced at where she's looking at. I saw Axev walking with Brett, they were both carrying their Arki equipment. Hindi kami nagkita kahapon kahit no'ng weekends pero nag-uusap naman kami sa phone kahit panandalian lang.

I wanted to call him so we can talk a bit but it seems like they're in a hurry. Lumiko sila sa papuntang accounting kaya nawala na siya sa paningin ko. Bumuntong hininga ako at napahawak sa sentido.

"Okay ka lang?"

I gasped and massaged my head. Pumikit ako ng mariin nang makaramdam ng hilo at sobrang pananakit ng ulo. I was just pretending yesterday that my head is aching and now it's happening. Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko nang pumasok pero ngayon lang sumakit ang ulo ko.

"Ang sakit ng ulo ko." I said.

"Hingi tayo ng gamot sa clinic," aniya at sinamahan ako sa clinic.

There was no Biochem for today but I saw that woman in another class. My fist automatically clenched when I saw her smiling while discussing. Mas lalo akong nawalan ng gana pumasok pero pinilit ko pa rin.

I had a fever that night and my nausea was terrible. Uminom lang ako ng gamot pagkatapos kumain at hindi na sinabi kina Tita dahil ayaw kong mag-alala pa sila. Nagkulong ako agad sa kwarto at hindi namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako.

Three in the morning, I woke up with mild cramps. Medyo mainit pa ako kaya naman bumaba lang ako para uminom ng gamot. I feel so lightheaded. I checked my phone and there were three missed calls from Axev and messages too.

That day, I didn't go to school. Sobrang wala akong gana at masama ang pakiramdam ko. Tita checked on me and asked me if I want to go to the hospital. I just smiled and told her that I only need rest because I've been sleepless for the past days. Hindi naman na niya ako pinilit.

Axev called to check on me during lunch. Bibisita raw siya mamayang gabi pagkatapos ng klase niya. Buong araw tulog ako, nagigising lang kapag iinom at kakain. Wala na ang fever ko pero medyo nahihilo pa rin kaya kahit gusto kong magbasa dahil may quiz raw kami sa Friday, hindi ko nagawa.

"Kamusta ang pakiramdam mo?"

Humiwalay ako mula sa pagkakayakap kay Axev at tipid na ngumiti sa kaniya.

"Okay na. Wala na akong fever."

"Magpahinga ka ng maaga ngayon. Papasok ka ba bukas? You should rest for another day so you will regain your strength."

He was massaging my hands. I was just staring at him... I really... really want to tell him what I am going through right now. Pabigat ng pabigat habang lumilipas ang araw.

"Alam mo namang kahit isang araw ka lang absent, marami kang hahabulin. I can manage. I'll be fine tomorrow."

Tinitigan niya ako at huminga ng malalim. Tumango siya at hinaplos ang pisngi ko.

"I'm sorry... I know I've been neglecting you for the past weeks. Ang dami lang ginagawa, hahanap ako ng oras para sa atin." He said seriously.

Umiling ako. "Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo at... naiintindihan ko naman. Mas importante 'yan..."

"And you're important too..." he uttered. "Hahanap ako ng oras."

But before I could tell him that I want him to stay for more hours because his presence comforts me, he received a call from his classmate again. That's when he said that he needs to go over again to his classmate's house.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang gusto kong maiyak nang sabihin niyang kailangan na niyang umalis. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam at hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit gano'n. Nang makaalis siya ay agad akong nagkulong sa kwarto. I received a message from Kean that night.

Kean Cansino:

Kamusta? I heard you're sick.

Sien Almagro:

Yeah, pero okay na. Were there quizzes today?

Kean Cansino:

Luckily, none. Pero tinatanong ka ni Ma'am Alvarez. You missed three classes in her class already.

Hindi ako agad nakapag-reply. Pumikit ako ng mariin at humugot ng malalim na hininga. I don't want to attend her class. I don't want to be reminded always of how my mother died and how my father betrayed us. Kahit nga tingnan siya, nanginginig na ako.

Sien Almagro:

Sige, salamat. Papasok ako bukas.

"Ano? Ayos ka na?" Tanong ni Tina nang magkita kami sa learning hall.

"Oo. May PDF ka ng new lesson sa Biostat?" I asked.

Tumango siya kaya nilabas ko ang cellphone. After sending it to me, she gave me back my phone.

"Hintayin lang natin si Yesica para sabay sabay na tayong kumain."

Umawang ang labi ko sa sinabi niya. My heart clenched and the pace went faster. I swallowed the lump in my throat and stood up. Napaangat ng tingin si Tina nang kunin ko ang bag ko.

"Saan ka pupunta?"

"I... I need to do something." I said and didn't wait for her reply.

Hinalamos ko ang palad sa mukha nang makarating sa room. I've been avoiding Yesica for the past days because I don't know how to act around her after what I found out. I have so many questions I want to ask but I can't get myself to talk to her. It feels heavy and I don't feel the same way anymore.

There was a surprise quiz on one of our subjects and I wasn't prepared. I got the lowest score and I felt bad. I felt so terrible. Gusto kong umiyak pero hindi ko magawa. Pigil na pigil ang emosyon ko hanggang sa matapos ang buong araw.

Hindi ko alam pero dinala ako ng aking mga paa sa building nina Axev. May break siya ng one hour at madalas ay hindi siya umaalis ng building nila. Wala na akong lakas umakyat kaya tinawagan ko na lang siya. I just want to see him and tell him everything in the hopes that it will lessen the weight.

"Hey," he greeted when he answered.

"Hi. Nasaan ka?" I asked weakly, my voice is on the verge of breaking down.

"Sa library. May tinatapos lang akong research paper." He said.

I heard some voices, probably his classmates. I closed my eyes and nodded like he can see me. A tear escaped my right eye but I instantly wiped it.

"O-okay..." suminghap ako.

"Are you alright? Nasaan ka?"

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi at hinilot ang sentido.

"Pauwi na..." I stopped when I felt my voice tremble. "I'm... I'm so tired."

"Alright. Magpahinga ka agad pagka-uwi mo. I'm sorry... I want to see you later but we're rushing a project."

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. I just bid my goodbye and ended the call. Muli akong pumikit dahil patulo na talaga ang luha ko. My heart is clenching and I feel more exhausted than ever. Exhausted is not even enough to describe what I am feeling.

Pagmulat ko ng mata ay nahagip ko agad ng tingin si Yesica na galing sa kabilang building. Saktong pagtayo ko ay ang paglingon niya sa direkasyon ko. I gritted my teeth when she started walking towards me. Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran at naglakad paalis.

"Sien!" She called out.

I broke down the moment I reached my room. I feel so heavy inside but I feel empty at the same time. Messages keep on coming but I don't have the energy to read them. Yesica called but I blocked her number. Tina called too but I declined.

The only message I check was our set's groupchat. Nanginig ang labi ko nang inanunsyo na may quiz kami bukas sa Biochemistry. How could I take a quiz when I am not attending her classes? I don't even want to ask notes from my classmates or even open my book for that subject.

Fuck. Why is it so fucking messy? How did it get so fucking complicated? My life was just fine. It was fine... so this 360 degrees turn is mind blowing. I am not fucking ready for all of these.

"Sien! Sien!"

Iniwas ko ang tingin kay Tina na agad iniwan ang mga kaklase sa kubo para puntahan ako. Hindi ko siya pinansin at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad pero nang may humila sa kamay ko ay pwersahan ang pagtigil ko.

"Sien, tangina... 'di mo ba ako narinig?" Kunot noong tanong ni Tina.

"May klase ako," malamig ko siyang tiningnan.

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Okay ka lang? Iniiwasan mo ba si Yesica?"

I almost rolled my eyes. Iniwas ko ang tingin at nagpatuloy sa pag-akyat sa hagdan. She called my name again and I felt her following.

"Sien, may problema ba?" She tugged my arm again.

Napapikit ako at hinablot ang kamay bago siya hinarap. Wala akong lakas makipagsagutan sa kaniya.

"Late na ako. Please lang..." I said and started walking away from her.

Narinig ko ang pagsinghap niya at pag-alis. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng hagdan papuntang ikalimang palapag nang makaramdam ng matinding hilo. Kung hindi lang ako agad nakakapit sa hawakan ay baka nahulog na ako. I gasped when I felt my surrounding spin. Nanlabo ang paningin ko.

Napa-upo ako sa may hagdan. The timing must be wrong because there we no students around. I can hear the discussion going on a nearby classroom. My head was aching and I still felt dizzy.

I was groping my phone inside my bag, planning to call Axev so he can take me to the clinic. He doesn't have a class in this hour. Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang tinatawagan siya. Malabo pa ang paningin ko kaya hindi ko magawang tumayo.

His phone just keeps on ringing. It was my fifth call and he didn't answer still so I gave up. Pakiramdam ko mawawalan na ako ng malay. Kumapit ako ng mahigpit sa hawakan at pinilit na tumayo.

I can do this... I can handle myself.

"Sien?"

Agad akong lumingon

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