Chapter 11

Friday, Chad asked me to meet him in the college learning hall. I went there during lunch because it's only my free time. Wala akong balak pumunta kaso nga lang nalaman ni Tina kaya pinilit niya ako.

"It's decided then?" Chad smiled at me.

I nodded casually and smiled even though part of me doesn't really agree on this. It's strange because dating was never a problem to me. I can easily play with guys before without strings attached. I can effortlessly play with fire and not getting burned.

"Gusto mong sunduin kita? Saan ka sa Ugac?" Mas lumapit sa akin si Chad.

I stared at him for a moment. Mas lalong lumalim ang tingin niya sa akin. Magkatabi kami at sobrang lapit niya sa akin. Amoy ko ang pinaghalong pabango at natural niyang amoy.

"Hindi na. I'll just meet you at SM." Tipid akong ngumiti.

The more I think about it, I realized Tina is right. When was the last time I entertained a guy? I was too busy with other 'things'. But then, I try to reason out that there's nothing wrong with that. So what if I break my own norm right?

Nang mag-uwian ay mag-isa akong nagtungo sa main. Balak kong i-chat mamayang gabi si Axev. I'll tell him I can't come. I don't know but thinking about it, I feel something heavy on my chest. So I should at least inform him because it isn't nice to let him wait for nothing.

I was walking on the hallway in front of the friendship park when someone swiftly passed by beside me. Kumunot ang aking noo nang makita ang isang Medtech student na tumatakbo. My forehead creased even more when I thought she was familiar.

Nasa tapat na ako ng learning hall nang mahagip ko ng tingin si Axev sa may center pathway. He was walking alone but then the Medtech student approached him. Umawang saglit ang labi ko nang mapagtantong 'yong parehong babae ulit 'yon. What is her name again? Ember?

Why do I keep seeing them together? Now, I don't really know if I even need to doubt that something is going on between them. Hinawakan ito ng babae sa braso at hinila patungo sa gate. Nagpaubaya si Axev, kahit medyo umiiling, hanggang sa mawala sila sa paningin ko.

Doon ko lang napansin na natigil na pala ako sa paglalakad at nakatayo na lang sa harap ng learning hall. I took a sharp breath and resumed walking, trying to erase in my mind what I saw. Should I still chat him tonight?

Malapit na ako sa gate nang makasalubong ko si Brett na nagmamadali. May dala siyang illustration board na may guhit ng isang building. Nakabalot ito sa transparent na plastic. Kung hindi ko pa siya tinawag ay hindi niya ako mapapansin sa sobrang pagmamadali.

"Brett!"

Biglaan ang pagtigil niya at nang nilingon ako'y bahagya pang nagulat.

"Uy, Sien." He acknowledged, sweat dripping on his forehead.

Agad ko siyang nilapitan. Naglakad siya papunta sa gilid ng daan para hindi makasagabal sa mga estudyanteng dumaraan.

"Pwedeng favor? Can you please tell Axev if you see him that I won't be able to come tomorrow?"

Nagbago na ang isip ko dahil sa nakita kanina. Napakurap si Brett sa sinabi ko, mukhang naguguluhan pero kalaunan ay tumango rin. Nagkamot siya ng ulo at inipit ang illustration board sa tagiliran niya.

"Sige. Walang problema." He nodded.

"Thank you. Sorry sa abala." I smiled apologetically.

"Wala 'yon." Tumawa siya bago muling nagpaalam.

I watched him as he run to their building. I bit my lip, feeling a bit guilty. Mukhang naistorbo ko pa yata siya.

Kinabukasan, medyo late akong nagising. I woke up around nine. Ala una ang usapan namin ni Chad. Hindi ko alam kung anong plano niya pero sa SM kami magkikita. We talked last night and he said he'll take me somewhere.

Isang linggo na lang bago ang Christmas break namin at nag-desisyon sina Tita na dito na namin idadaos ang Christmas. Some of our relatives might come too. Tina, Cadeo and Nicus are going to places except for Darwin and Yesica, at ako rin.

Chad was already at SM while I was still at home, preparing. Hindi pa naman ala una kasi at tapos na rin akong maligo. Isang crop topped blouse at itim na knitted skirt ang sinuot ko. I brought a jacket too just in case.

I met with him in front of World Balance. He was all smiles as he greets. Nang hawakan niya ang braso ko ay medyo nagtagal ang titig ko do'n. He was busy talking about his plans but I couldn't take my eyes off his arm on me.

"Let's go?" Ngumiti siya sa akin.

I blinked at his face then smiled. "Sure."

Bahagyang tumaas ang kilay ko nang tumigil kami sa harap ng isang Fortuner. He's driving he said. Hindi ko alam kung saan niya ako dadalhin pero aniya'y malapit lang din naman. I was chatting with Tina while we're on our way and she's asking for updates. I don't know why it's a big deal to her, no'n naman ay wala siyang pakialam.

"That's the riverside, right?" Tanong ko kay Chad nang makita ko ang ilog mula sa highway.

"Yeah. Gusto mong puntahan 'yan next? I have plans for us, sorry." He smiled.

I shook my head and smiled.

"Hindi naman, curious lang. Nakikita ko kasi 'yan mula sa building namin sa Lecaros and it looks magnificent from there lalo na kapag hapon."

Chad took me to a formal dinner. Hindi ko inaasahan 'yon because he's not the formal guy. The foods were expensive and he said that he'll pay for it. Kaagad akong umiling do'n.

"I will pay for my food." Ngumiti ako.

"Sien, I should be the one paying. I was the one who asked you out and on top of that, I'm the guy here." Kunot noong sinabi niya.

"Does being a woman make a difference?" Tumaas ang kilay ko. "I have money and I can pay for my own. I don't let a man pay for me."

Tinitigan niya ako, mukhang hindi makapaniwala. He smiled and shrugged.

"I once thought you're a woman who likes to be pampered... that's why I brought you here." Aniya.

"No, thank you." I replied with a sarcastic smile on my face.

He smirked and called for a waiter. Siya ang palaging nagsisimula ng usapan. He's already a second year college taking up Geodetic Engineering. He asked things about me too and I answered it with concise information.

Chad is not a boring guy, I give him that. He's playful too and very frank. He took me to places and I enjoyed it. The problem is that, he keeps on holding me. I was observing and I think he got the hint.

"Should I take it slow, Sien?" He asked.

Natigilan ako sa tanong niya pero mas nagulat ako sa sariling tugon.

"Yes."

He stared at me, confusion is written all over his face. Siguro dahil alam niyang hindi naman ako gano'n. At kahit ako nama'y hindi alam kung ano talagang nangyayari sa akin. I can have a boyfriend within a day without even thinking of anything, just pure flirting and game. But taking it slow, really, Sien?

"What changed?" Tumawa si Chad.

Hindi na ako nagsalita at ngumiti na lang. Alas singko nang mag-text sa akin si Tita. Umuwi raw ako ng maaga dahil sa labas kami magdi-dinner. I told Chad about it.

"Pwedeng SM muna tayo? May bibilhin lang ako." I requested.

"Sure, samahan na kita." Aniya.

Hindi na ako nagreklamo at hinayaan siyang sumama sa akin. We went to National Book Store together. Nakasunod siya sa akin sa may school supplies nang may tumawag sa kaniya. Nagpaiwan siya sa isang shelf kaya hinayaan ko. I was busy picking a wooden box for gifts when he came to me.

"Sien, pwedeng iwan muna kita saglit? I have friend at Octagon, tingnan ko lang." Aniya.

I nodded and he left. Nakapili na ako at papunta na sa may counter nang makasalubong ko si Axev. Mukhang papunta siya sa pinanggalingan ko kaya naman nagkasalubong kami.

I literally froze when I saw him. My breathing hitched and my heart palpitated. Halos mahulog ang tatlong box sa aking kamay kung hindi ko lang naayos ang postura ko.

He was wearing a sky blue shirt and black casual shorts. His expression hardened when he saw me. His brows furrowed more than usual and his lips were in a grim line. His hazel eyes turned darker. I don't know if he's angry or not.

I bit my lip when nobody of us moved for a minute. I took a sharp breath and tried to smile at him. My lips were trembling and my heart is still in chaos. Shit.

"Hi..." halos manginig ang boses ko.

Naglakad ako palapit sa kaniya dahil sa counter din naman ang tungo ko. His jaw clenched at my greeting. He licked his lips and advanced to me. Tumigil kami pareho sa gilid ng isang Fiction shelf.

He towered over me as soon as he neared me. What is he doing here? I realized that question is stupid because what else would he be doing at a book store? Grocery? Gusto kong magmura sa sobrang pagka-sarcastic ko sa sarili.

"You look alive and healthy..." malamig niyang sinabi.

Kumunot ang aking noo. "Huh?"

His eyes turned to slits and his jaw clenched even more.

"Akala ko may nangyari sayo kaya hindi mo ako sinipot kaninang umaga." Pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin. "But looking at you now you look fine to me."

"What?" Nalaglag ang panga ko.

Mas lalong nagsalubong ang kilay niya. Naghintay siya kaninang umaga? I told Brett to tell him! What the hell?

"Why do you look so surprise? I told you to meet me this Saturday, at our usual place. Anong nakakagulat do'n, Dea?" Tumaas ang kilay niya.

I bit my lip as I struggle to find words because I can see that he's really pissed. It's not my fault! Sinabihan ko ang kaibigan niya.

"But I... I..." suminghap ako nang makita ang mas lalong pagkunot ng kaniya noo. "I told Brett to tell you that I won't be able to come."

Saktong pagkasabi ko no'n nang sumulpot si Brett sa tabi niya. May hawak itong cartolina sa kamay.

"Bro, wala na silang tracing paper. Try natin sa Rob-"

Natigilan ito nang makita niya ako. His eyes widened then he smirked.

"Uy, Sien." Inakbayan niya si Axev.

"Hi, Brett." I smiled at him and glanced at Axev. "Uhm, hindi mo nasabi kay Axev 'yong sinabi ko kahapon?"

Natigilan si Brett sa sinabi ko. Axev glanced at him with knotted forehead. Tinanggal ni Brett ang pagkaka-akbay sa kaniya. Napangiwi ito na parang may napagtanto.

"Shit! Sorry!" He scratched his head and glanced at Axev. "Sorry, bro. Nawala sa isip ko sa dami ng requirements natin. Sorry Sien, nalimutan ko."

He looks apologetic as he look at me. I gave him a small smile. Hindi naman niya 'yon kasalanan. And besides, I feel like it's still my fault. Dapat ako na lang ang nagsabi sa kaniya para diretso but then I don't know what's gotten into me.

"It's fine." I assured him.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Axev. His jaw was still clenching but his expression seemed to lighten a bit. Sinulyapan niya si Brett at itinagilid ang ulo. Nagulat na lamang ako nang tumango si Brett, sumulyap sa akin at ngumiti ulit bago kami tinalikuran at naglakad papunta sa mga school supplies.

Naiwan kaming muli. I sighed and looked at him. He took one step towards me causing me to suck my own breath.

"Did you change your mind?" He asked in a serious tone.

Hindi ko aagd nakuha ang punto niya. My forehead creased as I stare at him. Nagsimulang mangalay ang mga kamay kong nakahawak sa tatlong kahon.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

"I thought you want to know the reason why I want to meet with you?" Tumaas ang kilay niya.

Suminghap ako nang maramdaman ang kakaibang pintig ng aking puso. I bit my lip because something is on the back of my mind... that one thing I've been denying to myself. And once again, I began to assume which is so a bad thing.

At bago pa ako makapagsalita, may tumawag na sa pangalan ko. I felt my heart on my throat when I saw Chad approaching us. Pagkalapit niya ay agad niyang hinawakan ang aking siko. I flinched at his touch as I try to look Axev in the eyes.

Nang bumaling siya sa harap ay 'tsaka niya lang napansin si Axev. His almost light expression hardened as his eyes landed on Chad's hand on my elbow. He tilted his head, showing his defined jaw.

"Uy, Axev." Chad grinned at him.

Kumunot ang aking noo at nabaling ang tingin ko kay Chad. They know each other?! When I glanced at Axev again, I caught his small nod at Chad, expressionless. And then he averted his cold and dark gaze to me.

Nanlamig ako sa klase ng tingin niya. He looked at me like I did something wrong. And I felt the hum in my bones, shivering down. Pakiramdam ko may mali akong nagawa at bigla akong inatake ng guilt.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito? Ano? Laro bukas?" Ngumisi sa kaniya si Chad.

His brows furrowed when he glanced at him. Mabilis lang 'yon at binalik niya rin agad sa akin ang tingin. I wanted to say something but I can't find the right words. Sumulyap sa akin si Chad, nagtataka sa katahimikan ko.

Axev licked his lower lip while looking at me. He nodded to himself, like he realized something. And without a word, he turned his back on us and walked away.

I opened my mouth to call his name but nothing came out. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa mga kahon na hawak sa pagpipigil sa sariling sundan siya. Why do I feel so guilty? My heart was clenching and I couldn't understand why it stings there.

"Sien, you know Axev?" Tanong ni Chad.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and glanced at him. Bahagya kong nilayo ang braso ko na ikina-kunot ng kaniyang noo. I forced a smile and nodded at him.

"Babayaran ko lang 'to. I need to go home now." I said and left him there.

Nang makauwi ako sa bahay ay pakiramdam ko pagod na pagod ako. I took a bath again since we'll be having dinner outside. At sa kalagitnaan ng mga ginagaw ako, hindi ko matanggal sa isip ang nangyari sa NBS.

Every time I think about it I feel the pinch in my heart. The way he looked at me like I did something wrong... it's still so vivid in my mind. I wanted to grab my phone and message him. Pero ano bang sasabihin ko?

I want to debate with myself that I didn't do anything wrong! We don't have anything between us so why the need to be guilty? But damn it, it still doesn't feel right.

Hindi ako masyadong nagreply kay Chad no'ng gabing 'yon. Nang sabihin kong matutulog na ako dahil pagod ay hinayaan naman niya ako. But then, I can't sleep because my mind is heavy so I watched movies instead.

The last week of school is not that hectic anymore. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit kailngan pang pumasok e wala namang ginagawa. Tina is asking me about Chad. I just showed her our conversation instead because I'm too uninterested to talk about it.

"Yesica, teka lang." Naasar na sinabi ni Nicus.

Nilingon ko silang dalawa. Nasa canteen kami dahil lunch na. At kanina pa nagtatalo si Nicus at Yesica dahil sa phone ni Nicus na ayaw niyang ibigay rito. I shook my head while watching them.

Pag-angat ko ng tingin ay kaagad kong nahagip ng tingin si Axev na papasok sa canteen kasama si Gavrie at isa pang lalaki na hindi ko kilala. Today is Thursday and it's the last day of their exam.

Nag-uusap ang mga ito habang naglalakad sila patungo sa counter. His serious demeanour is on display as usual. Walang bakas na kahit na anong ekspresyon sa mukha niya. He's even carrying a thick book with him.

And when he glanced at my direction, I wasn't able to retreat my gaze quickly. I know it's just coincidence that his eyes immediately landed on me. His cold eyes locked with mine. His brows furrowed and his jaw clench. Iniwas niya ang tingin sa akin sabay iling nang may sinabi si Gavrie sa kaniya.

Suminghap ako at binawi na rin ang tingin. Nagkatinginan kami ni Tina. Para bang nagmamatyag siya sa akin kanina pa. She smiled a little at me and I just shrugged. I feel like she knows something... but she also know that I don't want to talk about it.

"Ang kulit naman." Nababadtrip na sigaw ni Nicus kaya sinulyapan ko ulit ito.

Yesica stopped bugging him. Natahimik silang dalawa at mukhang agad namang pinagsisihan ni Nicus ang pagsigaw niya.

"Anong bang problema niyong dalawa?" Si Darwin.

Tinitigan ko sila. Yesica zipped her mouth, not looking at Nicus. Nicus sighed and tried to talk to her but Yesica stood up and walked out. Ang resulta, sinundan naming siya habang si Nicus naman ay kinausap ng dalawang lalaki.

"He doesn't want me to use his phone. May titingnan lang naman ako. No'n naman kayang kaya niyang ipahawak sa akin 'yon." Yesica replied when I asked her what's wrong.

"Kayo ba?" I asked the question I've wanted to ask since I felt like something is going on between them.

Natigilan si Yesica at napatitig sa akin. She looked away and shook her head.

"Hindi. Paano mo naman nasabi 'yan, Sien?" Labas sa ilong na sinabi niya.

Siniko ako ni Tina at palihim na umiling. Tumango ako at tipid na ngumiti kay Yesica.

"Hayaan mo na si Nicus. Minsan hindi mo talaga maintindihan ang takbo ng utak no'n. Baka may porn sa phone niya kaya gano'n." Tumawa si Tina.

Umiling na lamang si Yesica at hindi na nagsalita. I glared at Tina because of her jokes. She just shrugged at me.

Nang mag-uwian ay mag-isa akong nagtungo sa main. Sa Lecaros na naghintay ng masasakyan si Tina. Sa main gate ako susunduin ni Tito kaya mabilis akong nagtungo ro'n. Chad asked me out but I told him that Tito is coming to fetch me. Hindi kami nagkita sa buong araw dahil may exam sila.

Nasa may tapat na ako ng accounting nang makasalubong ko si Axev na may hawak hawak na papel sa kamay. May binabasa siya sa papel at nang ibaba niya ito ay nagkatinginan kami. Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at hinintay siyang makalapit pero nilagpasan niya ako at lumiko sa accounting.

My lips parted as I watch his back until he vanished on my sight. Napakurap ako at hindi nakagalaw sa kinatatayuan. Nanikip ang aking dibdib at mas lalong luminaw sa akin ang lahat. Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi.

My hands felt cold and if my phone didn't ring, I don't know how much longer I will stand in that damned hallway. Gritting my teeth, I left the university with full recognition of what I truly feel.

Kinabukasan, kung hindi lang huling araw ng pasukan para sa taong ito ay hindi ako ngingiti. I don't have the mood for smiles because I stayed up late. Nagsasaya ang lima dahil nga bakasyon na pagkatapos.

"Tayo lang yata walang chrismtas party. Balak ko pa namang regaluhan ng Kopiko 3 in 1 ang kung sino mang mabubunot ko." Tumawa si Tina at inakbayan si Darwin.

"Pasalubong ko na lang pagbalik mo mula Vigan. Iyong Lumpianada, ang alam ko sikat 'yon do'n. Gusto kong tikman."

"Bobo, e 'di panis na 'yon pagdating dito." Tina rolled her eyes.

And they started with their banters again. I'm going to miss them, though. Two weeks lang naman ang Christmas break. I joined them with their banters and we took photos afterwards.

Sabay kami ni Tina no'ng uwian kaso nga lang tinawag siya sa Faculty kaya dumiretso muna ako sa learning hall para maghintay. At nakikipaglaro yata ang tadhana sa akin dahil muli kong nakasalubong si Axev. Kaunti na lang ang estudyante sa paligid dahil pagabi na at siguro'y maaga ang uwian ngayon.

His brooding eyes bore on me. He was alone and I'm not sure if he's on his way home. Pero sa main gate naman yata siya madalas lumalabas kaya hindi siguro muna siya uuwi.

Tumigil ako dahil papalpit na siya sa akin. At nang muli niya akong nilagpasan ay hindi na ako nakapagtimpi. I've been thinking about this too much that I think I need to say it out loud. I need to talk to him.

"Axev," I called and turned to him.

He didn't stop walking which made my forehead creased. Hindi niya ba ako narinig? Suminghap ako nang nagtuloy