kaminari denki - the only heartbreaker

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the only heartbreaker by mitski <3

CW: description of a funeral, brief mentions of the afterlife

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"Do you believe in the afterlife?"

"...Huh? What... Huh?"

"Do you believe in the afterlife?" I repeated the question.

"What... are you talking about?"

He stares at me, wide-eyed.

"What kind of conversation starter is that? Are you sure you want to ask me such a question?"

I shrugged.

We stared at each other for a while. I was beginning to think that I made the mistake of opening my mouth and asking such a question, until he started to speak.

"I mean, It's real to me, I think. It just means that we can still hang out even once we're uh.. y'know!"

"Do you believe in it?" He asked.

We were staring at each other in silence again. I pursed my lips, trying to think of an answer.

I turned away before speaking, "...Are you hungry? We can eat the snacks that I packed."

His eyes narrowed.

"I see what you did there! Avoiding the question, are we? Whatever, it's no big deal anyways. Let's eat!"

He started reaching towards the different plates filled with food, stuffing his face with the different snacks we brought for the date.

I watched him, smiling.

I wanted this moment to last forever. I wished that this could have lasted forever.

Well, who knew that this would be the last time I would ever be able to see him like this again. Life sure does love causing as much destruction as possible, doesn't it?

When someone broke the news to me, I thought that I'd cry. But, I only stood there silently, listening to them as they expressed their remorse. Listening as they told me about the funeral.

When I walked towards his home the next day, I could see a large group of people dressed in black coming into view. I recognised most of them; his neighbours, our classmates and friends, his relatives. His parents. Understandably, they looked distraught.

I decided to walk straight into their house, towards the living room where the coffin was placed.

When I reached the doorway that led to the living room, I could only stare at his coffin, not able to from my spot.

I couldn't do it. When I saw the picture of him smiling so widely, I was trying so hard to pull it together.

I knew that I couldn't take another step without breaking down, so I stayed there. No one paid me any mind throughout the whole ceremony, anyways. They probably assumed that this was my way of mourning.

I watched as his family members came and went, as our classmates paid their respects, as did a whole bunch of people I've never seen before drop off flowers. I stood there throughout.

Even though the ceremony lasted the whole day, even though I was so hungry and thirsty, I did not step any closer to him.

Only when it was time for him to be sent for cremation did I take a step closer. I had to see him one last time.

Why did I wait till now to do so? I wasn't sure either.

As I slowly went closer and closer, his face slowly came into view. His eyes were closed, face paler than usual, with a small smile plastered on his face. Other than those slight differences, it looked like he was only asleep.

All the flowers that everyone had given him were placed neatly into the coffin. There were so many that it looked as if he were laying in a meadow.

I barely had a look at him, when someone came over to close the cover to the coffin. I wanted so badly to stop them, but I knew that I couldn't stop the inevitable.

I watched as they wheeled him away, carefully placing him in the back of a van. They were going to the crematorium.

I watched his parents hop into the same van, as the van rode off, becoming smaller and smaller, until I could not see it anymore. It was only then did I take my eyes off of him.

Everything else that happened afterwards was a blur. I only knew that I left the house after saying my goodbyes to those cleaning up, and eventually I found myself walking up the stairs of some apartment building.

It wasn't until I reached the top most floor and stepped onto the rooftop of the same building when it hit me.

He's gone.

I was never going to see him again.

I didn't know I had it in me, all those tears, crying as if there were no tomorrow.

I started thinking about that picnic. About the conversation we had. I thought about how I avoided his question. I wasn't even sure why I did that.

Maybe the afterlife is real, and he's there doing who knows what. At least I can be assured that he's somewhere where I can find him.

Or... maybe it really isn't. Maybe it's just a made-up concept to console people like me. There is no proof of its existence, but, neither is there any of its non-existence.

All these complicated thoughts were too much. I shook my head, pushing all of them away as I snapped back to reality. I was still on the rooftop.

I looked down onto the quiet and empty road down below. It seemed so far away.

I was sitting dangerously close to the edge at this point, so close that a gust of wind could just push me off the building.

I looked back up at the moon and closed my eyes.

I took a deep breath.


- fin -


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