Kaine Turner

My therapist Kenneth scribbled down notes and I couldn't help but grow annoyed every time the pen scratched against the paper. I leaned forward and looked down at the shoes on my feet before glancing over at Malik who sat in a rocking chair squeezing a stress ball and then over at Aaron who sat awkward and quiet trying to appear normal and so I decided to talk first.

"I don't think I'm likable, it was damaging to my self esteem as a child to realize that, but overtime and as I've grown it's just something I accept. Some kids get bullied in school and break down from the emotional strain and toll it takes on them but I was already broken down with a crushed spirt so how was the bullying suppose to hurt me? How is someone that doesn't like me suppose to hurt my feelings?" I questioned speaking up. I was hopeful that since I talked first I'd get to leave first like last time.

"We all have wanted acceptance no matter how subtle it might have be. Kaine what I've noticed with you is you tend to lash out at people who hurt you. You want them to hurt how you're hurting and that's not always the best choice" Kenneth responded and I folded my hands on my lap.

"When I was in the fifth grade this little white boy use to harass me in school and throw shit at me as I was walking home. One day he made a comment about me and I can't even remember what the fuck it was but I remember I asked him was his mother enjoying her dirt nap and he ran home crying. His mother died two years prior and I got suspended for hurting his feelings because the principal said he was going through a lot and I was harassing him. I went home and my father beat me like he always did but I didn't care. I was happy that dumb fuck felt what I felt everyday" I explained and my therapist was silent for a moment before he looked at Malik.

"As the older sibling have you ever tried to talk to Kaine about his lashing out?" Kenneth questioned saying anything to get Malik engaged and my brother gave a simple one arm shrug.

"Carl can defend himself, everyone knows he has a reckless mouth, you hurt his feelings and he'll hurt your feelings ten times worse and have you sitting in front of a light socket with a knife ready to kill yourself" Malik said in a really bored tone not taking much of an interest.

I shut down hoping that was enough but my therapist continued to stare at me. I rested my elbows on my thighs as I leaned forward and looked at the walls while feeling my insecurities creeping up.

"I don't like to see people picking on other people, you don't know what people are going through in their personal lives. You just being a decent person can make someone's day and you being a horrible rude person can be the reason that they get pushed over the edge. I guess what I'm trying to say is Kaine is my brother and I don't want anyone to mistreat him because then it hurts me" Aaron tried to explain and I shook my head.

"It's not like that, I just said it doesn't bother me. I'm not crying about it or nothing" I explain and Aaron glanced at me.

"But Angelo and Johan and the people who hang around the house they have a clique mentality and the don't include you in stuff. They say stuff to hurt you and then everyone laughs and you just kinda shrug it off. It's childish just like school bullies but you'd never say anything, you just kinda lash out later on at small stuff and then people call you annoying forgetting what they did to you" Aaron tried to explain.

"Kaine, you say this isn't a problem but it obviously is a huge problem. It goes back to when you were in school and wether you accept it or not it's affecting your self esteem. Your attachment to Ajani can be unhealthy at times from what you've explained to me, but I understand. What you went through isn't okay I need you to admit that" Kenneth stated and I remained silent and stared at the wall again pretending like he wasn't there.

"What the fuck we look like crying about our feelings? He's acting like he's weak when he's not, you think if he sits down with everyone and voices his feelings everything will be fixed? They'll do nothing but laugh at the nigga because he'd look like a clown. Stop setting him up for failure!" Malik snapped.

"Then what do you suppose he do? Continue to suffer in silence about what he's feeling because it's an inconvenience to you and to everyone else?" Kenneth questioned calmly and Malik laughed as he stopped squeezing the stress ball and ignored him.

"Okay let me say this different, Aaron has cried three times during our other sessions together and you haven't uttered a word. But the moment Kaine starts talking about his feelings you get hostile and angry can I ask why?" Kenneth question.

"Because Aaron's the baby of the family and the favorite child. His feelings are allowed to be acknowledged, it's complicated because our mother loved him like you're suppose to love your son and not in the way she loved Malik and our father only hates him because he's dating a boy and he's sensitive. He use to yell at Aaron when he was a little boy and Aaron would cry and then he'd take him out for ice cream because he felt bad about making him cry. He liked Malik because he was his oldest and he had a special bond with them even though he turned the other way to the sexual abuse. He just couldn't stand me because I'm unlikable and I probably deserved it" I explain.

"What was your relationship like with your mother. From what you tell me she has tried to build a bond with you as of recent" Kenneth said looking down at his clipboard.

"It was emotional abuse, I use to love my mom a lot and I remember I really wanted her to like me before I knew what I know now. She was just never around and really into playing with my feelings" I said quietly.

"She said Aaron was her cutest child and that I was her favorite and Carlito was her least favorite and she didn't know why. She said she just didn't like him but than some days she'd dance around the kitchen with him and was extra nice just to make him feel good before she pulled away and would say something to make him cry or call him names. He eventually developed a thick skin and stopped crying though" Malik said with a simple shrug.

"I don't want to talk anymore today. I don't feel anything right now, you want me to express my feelings and I don't want to anymore" I explained as I stood up. I left them alone to finish the session as I left out of my living room and slowly walked down the hallway.

Ajani was coming out of the laundry room and I hugged her tightly resting my head on her shoulder. She was still for a moment before she stroked the side of my cheek allowing me to hug her for awhile.

"I love you and you're amazing and it's okay to be sad sometimes" She explained as she used her other hand to rub my back.

"I love you too" I mumbled as I looked up at Knox who was running after Boa. They both saw us and Boa stopped running and sat as Knox caught up with him.

"Papá lets go" Knox said holding up the dogs leash. I slowly let go of my wife who watched as I put Boa on the leash and Knox ran in front of me wanting to get to the front door first.

"Hijo put a jacket on first" I called as he tugged at the door handle. Ajani tossed me a light gray jacket and I helped my son pull it on before opening the door.

Boa yanked forward on the leash and I had to pull him back to stop myself from falling down the front steps. I extended my hand for Knox to take and he did so as he looked around our gated community.

"We need to have a talk, a serious talk. So you have to listen okay?" I state and he looked up at me with a slight pout.  Kyle and another guard trailed behind us keeping a distant once we went up the street.

"Kay" Knox responded as he looked at Boa who'd stopped and preceded to piss on a small patch of grass.

"Always be kind to people even if they don't always deserve it. You don't wanna be mean like me. Always be nice to girls and don't make them cry" I said and he looked up at me again.

You don't understand yet but you're more fortunate than a lot of kids. Kids that were like me, sometimes all they want is a friend even if they don't admit it, okay?" I questioned looking down at him and he nodded.

"Be nice" Knox repeated as he looked around and I smirked. "Eww" Knox giggled when he saw Boa squat down to poop.

Once he finished I extended my hand wanting the bag from Kyle so I could clean it up but he turned his head and looked away.

"Bwoy I don't wanna ruin the moment you're having, go ahead. I'll clean it up" He mumbled under his breath which surprised me.

We continued walking with Knox occasionally looking up at me and when he'd see I was looking at him he'd smile brightly showing his teeth and dimples.

He stopped walking and lifted his arms up wanting to be lifted up. I paused and squatted down allowing him to jump on my back as he wrapped his arms securely around my neck.

"Don't let go" I said sternly as we walked further. Boa had slowed down his pace after he'd gone to the bathroom and was just stopping to sniff shit.

A familiar car pulled up beside us and I glanced to the side of me revealing Moriah after he rolled his window down.

"Mind if I join you on your walk? I need to talk to you" He explained and I hesitated but nodded. Moriah turned his attention to one of the guards following us that he knew and asked if he'd drive his car back to my house and park it so it wasn't just randomly sitting in the middle of the road.

The guard obliged as Moriah got out of the car and fell into sync with us. He looked at Knox who looked back at him before resting his head on my back as I continued to walk.

"You came all the way over here to talk to me so it must be important. Hopefully it's not bad news, I don't need anymore right now" I explained as I stared straight ahead.

"Has anyone discovered where you live yet? You seen any strange cars driving passed?" Moriah questioned and I shook my head no.

"Not yet but we're ready for when that happens. Why? What's up?" I questioned as Moriah remained silent.

"You realize things have been a little quiet lately. Way too laid back" he explained and I nodded my head. I heard Knox gasp before he pointed to a box of puppies that one of our neighbors were putting out.

"Papá look" He said excitedly and I chuckled and turned my head some so I could see the look of excitement on his face as his eyes lit up.

"You do a good job helping take care of Bam and Boa but I don't think your mama is gonna want you to have another pet. Maybe when you get a little bigger" I said and he pouted.

"I'm nice" he said resting his head on my shoulder and I laughed again. Moriah walked over to the box and looked inside before he glanced up at the owner who was standing near by.

"Are these Boston Terriers?" He questioned lifting one up and it nibbled at his hand. The owner nodded his head before glancing towards his house.

"I wanted to sell them but my wife...man she doesn't think it's right. She just wants them to go to a good home and it's getting colder" He stated and Moriah nodded.

"Come help me pick out a dog" Moriah said and Knox got excited. I squatted down and helped him get off my back before watching him run over and lean on Mo.

They remained squatted down and Knox asked him a million and one questions. Moriah didn't get annoyed surprisingly and they ended up settling on a dog.

"I'll take care of him for you and you can come and visit whenever you want" Moriah assured as Knox began to pet the puppy's head gently.

Knox kept a bright smile on his face as we circled around and headed back to the house. Boa was in a hurry to get back and he kept trying to rush us by pulling at his leash.

"Bam ain't going nowhere, relax" I mumbled taking him off the leash once we got close enough and he darted towards the house going into the gate.

Aaron and Malik sat on the front steps and when they saw me Aaron stood up and shoved his hands into his pockets awkwardly.

"Come Momo" Knox said grabbing his thumb and pulling him. Moriah closed his eyes and took a deep breath before reluctantly following my son.

Aaron stared at me for awhile before he hugged me and I stood completely still. Malik shook his head at the sight while I waited impatiently for him to let go.

"Why are you hugging me?" I questioned and Aaron let go of me and gave a simple shrug. He looked at Malik who was watching our therapist leave.

"I don't know I just thought you'd need a hug and I know you think Malik doesn't care but he does. That's just the way his face looks" Aaron explained. I glanced at Malik who gave a fake smile as he pulled at his beard.

"Nah I'm over it, I just needed some fresh air. I'm not still thinking about it" I said attempting to walk away but Aaron stopped me.

"But Kenneth said temporary fixes aren't healthy, it makes things better for the time being but that's like putting bandaids on a busted pipe. It'll hold the water for a little while maybe a few minutes but soon the water will leak through and make a mess" Aaron said and I remained silent.

"I don't know what I'm suppose to say? Things have been fucked up for a long time and it's hard to admit how we really do care about each other. I just feel closer to Aaron because I practically raised him. I was Eleven when he was born and I didn't think you ever really cared about that type of shit, you know?" Malik questioned.

"You don't think I want that? You don't think I see Ajani with her parents and the men in her family be fathers to theirs kids and not want that? I want a mom that's not fucked up and a dad that's just there like I am for my kids. I never really had an older brother and I wanted that type of relationship. I'm a man so now am I suppose to voice that shit without people laughing in my face? These people don't even want me around but they put up with me because of Ajani and now I'm fucking crying and I don't know why" I said pushing my tears away.

"I'm sorry you felt like that" Malik said looking away and I ignored the looks I was receiving from a few members of the cartel who remained serious.

Aaron looked back and forth between Malik and I as I eventually pulled myself together and relaxed. I'd usually get into this really mellow mood similar to being high and just not take anything serious it was a habit I'd developed awhile ago.

"Maybe we should hug it out, hugs are nice" Aaron said spreading his arms and I stared at him with a look of annoyance as Malik declined.

"I'm tired. Today has been emotionally draining as fuck and it's only lunchtime" I said walking into my house and headed for the staircase. I sighed when I saw Moriah sitting on the steps petting the top of the puppies head while he laid across his lap comfortably.

"We didn't finish talking, I thought I'd let you talk to your brothers first" He explained and I paused before taking a seat next to him. I looked down at my hands waiting for a lecture from him about something.

"First off I wanna tell you how proud I am of you, you take my advice and you aren't as reckless and stupid as your peers. You're a really good dad and I don't think I could ever match up to that if I had my own" He said making me look at him weirdly.

"Wow, that means a lot to me" I explain as I looked down at the watch on my wrist. Ajani was walking passed with Kieran and I reached my arms out and she allowed me to take him from her.

He was calm as I laid him in my lap and he stared up at me. His eyes were a little glossy signaling he'd just got done crying and he smelled like Honest baby wash.

"You don't really have to warn me about anything I've been watching shit closely. Ajani and the cartel have been watching Jenny and my organization has been watching the police. I'm not really nervous or worried but I'm going to leave the game soon, all I wanted was the fast money, none of the other unnecessary shit" I explain.

"Good, you want better for your kids and I want better for you" He said and I turned my head giving him a weird look wondering why he was being so nice to me all of a sudden.

I leaned down kissing Kieran's cheek and he smiled up at me for the first time. When he opened his mouth it revealed his gums and so I leaned down and did it again causing him to smile some more.

"Why are you being so nice too?" I questioned playfully rubbing his belly. I stood the baby up on my lap and he scrunched his face up causing it to turn red before he started crying.

Moriah took him from me as my phone started ringing and I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the caller ID before answering and placing the phone to my ear.

"I'm on my way" I mumbled into the phone as I stood up. I glanced back at Moriah who was having a staring contest with Kieran.

"Hurry up and meet me at the spot, I have something for you" Angelo explained. I raised an eyebrow not really in the mood to go anywhere but that wasn't an option.

"I'm stepping out for a minute if Ajani asks. I'll be back" I said to Moriah before hanging the phone up without giving Lo a response.

"Have fun" Mo teased as he stood up and carried Kieran off to find Ajani I assumed. I walked out of my house were Aaron and Malik were still talking and they both looked up at me and abruptly stopped.

I hit the alarm on my car and side eyed them before climbing into the driver seat. They watched me closely before they eventually resumed talking.

-

I leaned against my car and took a puff of the blunt in my hand. Angelo pulled up beside my car a few moment later in a mini van. He left the car running and got out before he walked to the back and pulled the door open revealing two men hog tied in the back and the seats had been ripped out.

"This is the surprise? And here I am thinking that maybe it was something important and not just you wanting me to be an accomplice in a kidnapping that'll turn into an eventual murder" I said with an exhausted yawn.

"Well I only called you because Johan and Raheem were both busy, but that doesn't take away from my surprise" Angelo stated as he gestured towards the men with a goofy ass smile on his face making him look like a simp.

I lifted up my gun and fired four shots into the car shooting both of the men twice in the head. Lo stared at me before he rubbed his chin and then looked into the mini van again with an unreadable expression.

"Nigga you aren't any fun at all" He complained and I kept a simple expression on my face before I walked over to my car door.

"This is business, it's not meant to be humorous or friendly. We aren't friends just coworkers bonded by blood. Don't waste my time like this anymore when we have a business to run" I stated climbing into my car and he furrowed his eyebrows together.

I started to go home until I got a last minute call from Jade. He wanted me to pull up at some jewelry store he was at in the city and I ended up agreeing after tucking my gun away.

Angelo apologized for slacking off and had people clean up the mess. Without saying anything further he opened the car door and climbed into my passenger seat before I could pull off.

He remained silent and rested his head against the window and fucked with the radio as I pulled off.

I drove to this really expensive jewelry store and Angelo made a face as he stared at the sign on the front recognizing this place.

"Why are we here? You picking up a new