Moriah Scott

"Would you consider yourself scarred from your experiences growing up? That had to of been traumatizing for anyone who's suffered traumatic losses like that starting from such a young age. Something must really be bothering you Moriah, we haven't talked like this in a few years and you stopped making the effort to schedule appointments" My therapist said and I looked at him for awhile before my eyes moved elsewhere.

I'd had two therapists in my entire life but this was the one I began seeing when I was a teenager and he was more affective then the other one. His name was John Theron and he allowed me to call him John and for some reason that just always stuck with me.

"I feel hopeless right now and even with all the medication in the world I don't know why I still feel like this. It's this feeling of having so much anger and sadness that's always been here but nobody knows how that feels because they don't think like I think and they don't feel what I feel and sometimes I wish I wasn't mentally ill and that I was normal" I said clearing my throat.

"You being a little different is not your fault, okay? Bipolar disorder can not be cured but that is why I am here to help you lead a semi normal life Moriah but you will never be considered what's normal, nobody is and you have to accept that" John explained.

"I know that's not it, it's just I don't know what to do. People think that I'm just mean but I can't help it I just don't know how to show the affection they think I should and everything in my life is stored in my brain. I do what I'm suppose to do but this feeling inside won't subside and it's always there. I don't know how to be happy" I ranted as I looked into his eyes.

John sat the clipboard down to the side and folded his leg over the other and just stared at me as I stared back. His expression was as serious as mine but instead of seeming angry he smiled and looked away for a minute.

"What frustrates you is the fact that people don't get it and they don't understand it because when you look at everyone around you they don't understand how you feel. Ever since your brother died you've felt alone because he was the closest person to you, right?" John questioned and I shook my head no.

"I accept that he's dead and our relationship consisted of us looking out for each other and me taking on the roll of the older brother because he was spoiled by our parents. He understood me but not as much as my sister does because we feel the same and think the same thoughts we just express them differently" I remind.

"I remember a distinct conversation we had a really long time ago about your relationship with her. Where you said when you saw how people treated your sister as opposed to you it made you feel worse than you already did but you never elaborated on that specifically" he reminded.

I remained quiet and looked around the room as he went over to his file cabinet and looked through some folders. It lasted a couple of minutes before he pulled out a large file with my name on it.

"What I meant by that is we think the same thoughts, she says the things that I feel and I say what she feels and when we disagree she's always right in the end but I never voiced that to anyone. When I was a child I was very depressed and I didn't know why, I'd tried to kill myself as a young child but when my sister came I don't think I've ever felt happiness like that before" I said quietly.

"Have you ever had suicidal thoughts recently? Thoughts where you might've felt as hopeless as you feel right now and how you felt back then?" John questioned.

"All the time, maybe twice a month where I actually consider it in deep thought and how I'd do it. I think I'm emotionally disturbed" I said a little above a whisper.

"You don't voice these thoughts to your wife? To anyone around you?" He questioned and I shook my head no.

"My mother would probably cry and move in, my father is just now getting out of his own depression and my wife wants to talk only so she gets what she wants out of me. She doesn't care" I said avoiding eye contact.

"I'm sure she cares Moriah but you have to open up and you have to let her know, you have to let them all know" he explained and I slowly stood up.

"I feel like this is considered being weak that's how everyone looks at it. Being bipolar is being over dramatic, you're a therapist so can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me everything will be okay and tell me that I'll eventually get better? People have been feeding me this bullshit since I was a child but what you won't say is the fact that it doesn't ever get better! I'm so fucking tired of feeling like this it's like I'm running a race with myself that I will never fucking win! My father and uncle won't even accept that their mentally ill and my sister is to busy running away from it all because my family is emotionally fucked up in every way imaginable and my wife wants to bring a fucking child into this shit! But because I'm the only person thinking realistically and not falling for some bullshit fantasy about everything somehow magically working out  I'm a horrible person!" I shouted in complete anger.

"And to you everyone is an idiot, is that right?" He asked and I nodded my head. I walked around the office and looked at all the black and white painting.

"Until people can feel what I feel they can't judge me. I don't know if I even believe in a god anymore why would I want to? He made me like this and he makes no mistakes right? So why have I felt like this since I was an innocent child? Maybe there is a god and maybe he just has a fucked up sense of humor or something, I don't know" I said allowing myself to calm down some.

John motioned towards the couch across from him and I sat down and closed my eyes briefly before opening them.

"We're making progress even if it's small progress. You aren't the first person to feel like this and feeling like this doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong for dealing with it. But the only way I'm going to move forward with you is if you admit you have a problem and you need help, that means showing up for every single appointment and just venting to me. Holding all of this in isn't going to make you happy Moriah and if we really want to get to the root of the problem we need to start at your childhood and work our way up" he stated looking at me.

He awaited a response as tears clouded my vision and I looked around the room again trying to put a wall back up but I couldn't do it, my mind wouldn't allow me to do it. Usually when something like this happens I can hold it in and go on with my life. I hadn't cried since Elias died.

"I-I don't know what to do, I need help and I have a problem" I cried brushing my tears away and he handed me a couple of tissues to wipe my face.

"Your brain is just wired differently that's all, it's okay to admit that you're scared and that you don't wanna feel like this anymore. But if I'm being honest until you get into a better place in your life you do not need to bring a child into this world it's not healthy and it could be triggering for you" John admitted as I leaned back on the couch.

"Sometimes I don't know why I got married, people say Nandy deserves better like I forced her into marriage when it was the other way around. I've never felt this way about a female before, I've had a girlfriend before but I've never had a real relationship like this and it's confusing" I said spacing out.

"Who were you the closest with out of your mother and your father?" He asked and I stared at the white pale wall as his question took awhile to register.

"I don't know, I love them both and it was equal for the most part. I guess I spent a lot of time with my father when I was a smaller child but I started living with my sister when I was fifteen and then I lived with Elias until I was eighteen" I said remembering.

"And why did you live with your sister and not your parents? Did you feel more comfortable with her then them or do you feel your sister took on more of a motherly instinct then your own?" John questioned.

"I love my mother and father and I love my sister" I responded with a shrug and he leaned forward and looked at me as if he wanted me to elaborate.

"I know your feelings towards your family members aren't as simple as you put it. You tell me what you feel comfortable with telling me but there has to be a reason why you're so protective of your sister. From what you described you seem to have taken on the older sibling role a long time ago" he said.

"Nobody is ever held responsible for the choices that they make except her. I use to want to understand but now I don't because I don't care about any of that anymore. At first I was mad and angry that someone had taken Elias away he was my support system and he was my brother and I loved him but-" I began but paused.

"No continue, I like to hear your thoughts Moriah we are making progress!" He cheered as I bit the inside of my cheek.

"I don't want to continue on that subject" I responded looking into his eyes and he sighed and leaned back some in his seat.

"Moriah I think if you jus-" he began but stopped when he saw the glare I was giving him. He folded his hands in his lap.

"Well then I'll just listen, the floor is all yours and you tell me what you want to tell me. Starting when you were a child" he encouraged.

I stood up from my spot on the couch and walked around the room slowly with my arms behind my back as I thought. He had a book shelf on the back wall, half of the books I'd already read and the other half weren't interesting enough.

I liked to read books that didn't have covers on them no matter how boring they were I just like to see the different tones that each of the books had and look at different perspectives of main characters.

"The first time I tried to kill myself I was a small child and my father was yelling about something I can't remember, it was probably something small or dumb. I just remember this nervous feeling that crept over my body and this feeling of complete sadness, not the typical sadness but this feeling can't be described or explained. Something simple that I should've cried over and let go of it after I got out of timeout I overreacted to it. I remember pulling at my face and just scratching it in anger because all the feelings I was feeling I'd never felt before and it was coming at me way to fast and all I knew in that moment was I didn't want to feel like that ever again. I couldn't take feeling like that and so I tried to hang myself but my mother came in and grabbed me before I could figure it out but I was determined" I ranted as I opened the candy jar.

I grabbed some jelly beans and placed them into my mouth as I continued to admire everything in the room.

"You used the word overreacting, why? Why do you think you overreacted?" He questioned as I chewed and glanced out of the window.

"That's what normal people like you call it, right? I overreacted because I was yelled at and tried to kill myself that's simple" I remind putting more into my mouth.

"It's not simple and it's not that cut and dry, like you said an average child might cry or throw a tantrum but you tried to hang yourself. There is absolutely nothing simple about hanging yourself being that young" he reminded.

"That was when my parents got me my first therapist. I use to draw pictures for him all the time and bothersome stuff like that. Nothing interesting happened really after that" I shrugged.

"Really? Your therapist marked that your selective mutism had grown worse after the death of your brother Tristan. You shut down for awhile and use to draw the grim reaper or color with black crayons, can you tell me if you remember that?" He asked and I clenched my jaw.

I slowly opened my hand allowing the jelly beans to fall into the trash can and remained silent. I glanced at John and he sat awaiting my response for five minutes until he got the hint.

"Did I upset you by asking that? If I did Moriah I'm sorry, we can gloss over that for right now" he said and I glanced towards the door.

"We've talked a lot today and I don't want to overwhelm you. I'll see you next Monday for another appointment, we made a lot of progress and I need you to want to get better" he said as he was about to close my file.

He grabbed an old drawing of mine out before he closed it and handed it to me. I didn't bother looking at it as I balled the paper up and walked out of his office feeling void of all emotion.

-

"Moriah I don't know what to do please just think about my feelings for a second. Children no matter how they turn out are a blessing and I really want to be a mother" Nandy cried. I slowly looked at her before feeling someone walk into the living room and glanced in that direction.

"Hey Mo I need you to do something for me, there's this drug deal I made but I feel like it's a set up. You mind asking around or something for me about the dude, my gut is telling me I should do it but my mind is saying something else" Sincere complained as he walked over and leaned on the couch.

I slowly stood up and walked away from the both of them and went into my kitchen. I fixed myself a plate of food before I sat down and preceded to eat feeling like I was in some type of trance.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Dre come into the kitchen. He was drinking a soda and he leaned on the counter and eyed me.

"What's up Mo? I came by to see you earlier but you weren't here" Dre laughed as he sipped on his soda. I eyed him briefly but didn't care to respond, so I chose not to.

I zoned everything going on around me out and focused on the car pulling into my driveway from the surveillance camera. I stopped mid chew as the back doors of the car opened and my two nephews pushed each other out of the car resulting in the youngest one Seven bursting into tears.

Ainsley jumped out of the car after and hit him in the back of the head before pushing him some more on the ground. Seven got up finally and went to my sister who was getting out of the car and looking through her purse.

It was obvious she was yelling at Ainsley by the way she pointed to the front steps and he sulked and sat down. Dre glanced at me as if I was suppose to have some type of reaction and I kept a straight face.

"Did you know they were coming?" He questioned as I chewed my food extra slow and blinked before nodding my head.

"I did" I responded hearing the doorbell ring. Dre got this look on his face before he smiled it off and patted my shoulders.

"It's about time we mend this broken family, this is big" he exclaimed. I noticed he wasn't walking on his crutches like he should've been, he'd been injured during a game a few weeks prior and had been benched for his injury and I knew if Zaire saw him not taking care of his leg he'd push him down.

Dre slowly sat down near me as the front door opened and I heard Nandy gasp. I looked down and shook my head picturing the fake smile that had probably crossed my sisters face at her dramatics.

I got up and went to the sink to wash my hands while Dre took it upon himself to slide my plate closer to him so that he could eat it.

"Bwoy stop it!" I heard a small child yell through tears and as I turned around I spotted my nephews running into the kitchen, Seven was trying to hit Ainsley and was growing frustrated because he couldn't hit him so he began to scream loudly while chasing him.

"This is why we never get invited to people's houses anymore, you need to stop!" Jesse's voice boomed as Seven ran into him. He snatched the five year old up and sat him down in a chair while Ainsley laughed and pointed behind Jesse's back.

"Bwoy, you think that's funny? Go get my belt from the car now" he said without turning around. Ainsley stomped away in tears with his hands balled into fists and I couldn't help the smirk that grazed my face as Jesse finally looked at me.

"Mo I'm sorry they been fucking with each other since we left the island. I already told them if they break anything I'd break them" he reasoned.

"It's alright, kids will be kids" I remind drying my hands off. Ainsley wore his hair in long dreadlocks and Seven wore his hair in shorter curls and resembled Jesse a little more.

"Are you calm bwoy? Because I swear if you start that yelling shit you're going to bed at five o'clock which is an hour from now" Jesse said to Seven who rubbed at his eyes and nodded his head even letting out a yawn which signaled he'd tired himself out.

Seven turned his attention to me before he hopped down from the chair and took a hold of his fathers hand.

"You don't remember him but this is uncle Moriah, this is mamas brother" Jesse told him as Ainsley returned holding a belt as tears streamed down his face.

"Fadda I'm sorry, I won't do it anymore honest" Ainsley cried as he looked up at Jesse who took the belt from him. Jesse pointed to another chair and Ainsley quickly sat down not taking his eyes off of his father who began to put the belt onto his pants.

"I was thinking that maybe we could go and get a tree in the morning as a family or whatever you prefer doing" Nandy ranted as she and Alijah walked into the kitchen.

"Whatever is fine" my sister said politely and Nandy nodded and gave me a look. I stared at my sister for awhile until she finally looked at me with a normal facial expression and raised an eyebrow.

I cleared my throat and folded my arms before Nandy gave me another pitiful look. Moving my arms back down to my aides I forced a smile.

"How was your flight? Did you already check into your hotel?" I questioned my sister who looked almost the same. She'd cut her hair a little shorter but hadn't really aged much to me, it was obvious she was going to age gracefully like our mother.

"The flight was nice and so is the suite, thanks for asking. It's good to see you" she stated and I could feel the awkward tension in the room.

Deciding to end the awkward encounter I walked over and pulled her into a tight embrace and she rested her head on my chest as Nandy clasped her hands together.

"Leave the past in the past, you chose your daughter over the bullshit and I respect it" I muttered as she kissed my cheek.

"Mama I'm hungry" Seven whined and I glanced at him noticing his tears had dried up and Ainsley followed suit wanting food also.

"Moriah I'm hungry too" Nate whined as he appeared around the corner. I glanced at Dre who was eating my plate of food and sighed.

"I can cook something!" Nandy said quickly and Jesse nudged Alijah with his elbow and she gave him an evil eye.

"How about we all go out to dinner, Jesse's treat" Alijah smiled as she walked away. I glanced at my wife before agreeing with a simple shrug as I helped her put the leftovers away in silence.

I figured these feelings I was feeling would subside for the time being, it wouldn't last long though.

Ajani Turner

"You had lots and lots of fun, yeah? You can't abandon your cartel anymore you're a prince likkle mon" one of Knox's guards joked as he cradled him like a baby. To the average person they looked or appeared like monsters and weren't people that you would feel comfortable with approaching but Knox was fond of a few of them including Kemba and Carter.

Carter was the one who was currently talking to Knox and playfully pretending he was going to drop him. Knox yanked on one of his dreadlocks