one year later

"Remember, you gotta follow through."

I picked up another football from the bag and held it the way I knew I could, tossing a tight spiral down the empty field.

"So even when you let go, you're still moving forward."

Caden Jacobson watched me with wide eyes as I threw another football downfield. I'd helped coach a 12U team last fall, but I was mostly responsible for their offense, and by extension, young quarterback Caden. I'd been working with him most of the summer to get him ready for his last year of pop warner before high school, since I'd be leaving for Vermont at the end of August and unable to coach the team again.

I liked Caden - he reminded me a lot of myself. All the better parts of me, anyway.

We'd been all alone out on the football field for most of the morning, so the sudden surge in voices pulled my attention towards the athletic facility. When she stepped out into the morning sunlight, my heart stopped.

I'd never prepared myself for when I'd see Kaia again, mostly because I never thought I needed to. But there she was, all perfect hair and sunkissed skin and a smile that rivaled the sun. We made eye contact, and the way my heart lifted in my chest told me everything I wasn't ready to admit.

I expected her to keep walking, but she didn't. She came right toward me, and it felt like I'd been shot full of lightning.

"Uh...keep working on that," I blurted out to Cade. "I'll be right back."

I met her halfway at the sideline of the field, and a gentle breeze kicked up her hair as she smiled up at me.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey yourself," I returned her smile.

A silence lingered between us, and both of us fumbled to then speak up at the same time.

"No uh...you first," I said with a chuckle.

Kaia bit down on her lip. "Well um...you look great. Really, I mean it."

"So do you," I replied. "I mean it. How are you? How's Dartmouth?"

"It's good," she nodded. "Really good. Can't wait to go back."

"I'm happy for you. I mean that, too."

We shared another awkward smile, and she rocked back and forth on her heels as she readjusted her Nike bag on her shoulder. "Dallas, I'm sorry I didn't come to see you after the accident. I...I wrote you a note a few months ago...I don't know if you got it, or not..."

"Yeah, I got it." I nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't reach out, I just...didn't really know what to say."

"Yeah, I figured," she shrugged.

That was true, just probably not for the reasons she thought. I kept the note in my desk drawer, and every so often I'd glance at it, running my hands over her perfect script handwriting and wondering how things would have been between us if I hadn't driven it into a ditch. Literally.

"You know..." I sighed out, running a hand down the side of my face "It's not your fault."

"The logical part of me knows that, but the part of me that cared about you a little too much lingers...and asks me what I could have done differently."

"Nothing," I shook my head. "It's all on me. If it hadn't been you, it would have been somebody else, because at that point I was just so determined to self-destruct. There wasn't anything you or anyone else could have done."

Kaia let out another heavy sigh. "Okay well...thanks for saying that."

"Ya know, I've learned over the last year or so that I can't blame other people for things I've done to myself. Just gotta accept it and move on."

I knew from the way she pinched her lips together how much that resonated with her. I had in fact directly blamed her for things that I'd done to myself, and she was really the only person that I hadn't made amends with, because after all of that, how could I face her? But here we were, face to face.

"Well, you look like you're moving on alright." She nodded towards Caden, who was still running plays as if he had a whole offense in front of him.

I let out a sheepish chuckle. "Well they say those who can't do, coach. I had a lot of free time last year since I was only taking a few classes at the community college, and...I kind of liked it. More than I thought I would."

A smirk graced Kaia's lips. "Well, from what I just saw, you kind of look like you could still do."

"I don't know about that," I grinned down at her, feeling heat pool in my cheeks. Maybe from the sun. Maybe from her smile. "I'm transferring to Middlebury up in Vermont this Fall, and I haven't decided if I'm going to try and walk onto the team or not."

"Middlebury huh?" Kaia let out a wry chuckle. "After all the kicking and screaming you did about going to Cornell, you're still ending up at a Little Ivy."

"Trust me, the irony isn't lost on me." I folded my arms over my chest. "But I've also learned not to knock things I haven't tried. Besides, my dad's best friend's daughter is going to be a freshman, so I'll have someone there."

"That's good." Her smile returned, this time more bright and more beaming than the sun, and I sweltered under it. "I'm proud of you. You deserve it."

"Thanks. I'm starting to believe that too." I nodded and sucked in a breath. Another moment of silence lingered, neither of us willing to be the one to say goodbye. So I decided I wouldn't let goodbye become an option.

"So I was thinking...well, Middlebury is only about an hour and a half drive to Dartmouth. Maybe if it was alright with you, I could come see you play. I've never actually seen a field hockey game before."

Kaia laughed and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Yeah, well you've been missing out. But...yeah, I'd like that."

And so it wasn't goodbye, it was see you later. And maybe I was a little heavier, and maybe my hair was a mess, and maybe I looked older than I was, but she still looked at me like there was something good in my tired eyes.