43 | Lie to Me

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"Hair of the dog, man."

Anthony pressed a cold can of Bud Light to my pounding forehead, and I held it there for a few moments in a shitty attempt to soothe my vodka-induced headache.

"I know it seems counterintuitive, but just drink it, you'll feel better."

I'd spent the better part of the second half of the night alternating between puking in the men's bathroom and dodging cruel glances from the 150 students I told to go fuck themselves in my incredibly glib, unprecedented Prom King speech. We'd all congregated at Anthony's immediately after the coach buses dropped us back off at school around 9:30, and we discarded our suits for sweatshirts while we waited for the rest of the post-prom party-goers to descend upon Anthony's for one last senior hurrah. Meanwhile, I made a mental note to never drink Ketel One again.

"I don't really know how much better it could make me feel unless it can somehow transport me back in time and stop belligerent drunk me from making that speech," I groaned, finally taking the can off my forehead and popping it open.

Chris slumped onto the couch next to me. "You could just keep drinking until you black out again and pretend it didn't happen. We barely have class next week anyway, then graduation, and then you never have to see any of these people again."

I settled for taking a long slug of beer as a response.

"I mean, it was really cringy, secondhand embarrassment watching you do it in the moment," Anthony chuckled. "But now that a few hours have passed and I think back on it, it was pretty fucking great. I mean, everyone expects you to say something meaningful and poignant, but your drunk ass just blurts out I fucking hate all of you-"

I held up a hand to stop him. "Okay I know I was blacked out, but I really don't need to relive it."

Anthony shrugged and retreated into the kitchen to finish setting up a keg. Chris tucked his feet underneath him as he shifted on the couch to face me. He dropped his voice to almost a whisper, even though there was nobody around to hear us.

"You really meant what you said, didn't you? I mean, drunken words are sober thoughts, right?"

I picked at a hangnail on my thumb and sighed. "I guess. I don't know. I'm just..." I tilted my head back into the couch and shut my eyes. "I'm so done, Chris. I'm done putting on a face for assholes I don't even like, and I'm done giving myself to people that don't give themselves back."

"You're talking about Kaia, aren't you?" he asked.

"I don't know. Maybe." I shook my head, as if the physical act would expel all the thoughts brewing like a storm. "I don't wanna talk about it. I just want to forget tonight ever happened."

As much as I was prepared to forget what happened at prom, nobody else was. As the rest of the senior class filed into Anthony's, I caught more than enough venomous glances and vicious whispers. Could I blame them? The illusion of Dallas Gunther had been shattered once again. But these people weren't my family - they had no obligation to make attempts to understand. They could only continue to point and whisper and speculate on how I'd lost my damn mind. I couldn't even pretend I was okay anymore - I could only numb myself from it all.

So I glued myself to Chris's side for the night, I sank beer pong shots, and I became the Dallas Gunther people thought I was. And I drank. And drank. And drank.

"Okay champ, I think we're taking a break," Chris said as he led me away from the pong table after we'd won three games in a row. "I know you wanna get out of your own head, but that doesn't mean your head needs to be back in the toilet."

"I have a remarkably selective short term memory," I slurred out, clutching onto Chris's forearm for balance.

"You also have a remarkable knack for sinking beer pong trick shots and getting drunk after you've just recovered from a blackout. Just don't move, I'm going to get you some water." Chris sat me down on one of the corduroy couches in Anthony's living room. The same couches we'd jumped up on, sang Bon Jovi, and sprayed each other with champagne after the state championship game. The same night that was the catalyst to my downward spiral...landing me back on the same damn couch. If only I knew then what I knew now.

As I hyper-focused on a frayed string on the couch to keep my head from spinning right off my shoulders, a shadow stood over me. In my increasingly deteriorating state, I didn't realize until it was too late that she was dumping her full cup of beer onto my head, sending stale sticky liquid down my cheeks and the front of my shirt.

"The only thing you're king of is being a fucking asshole," she muttered, and as she walked away, laughter followed her. The noise swelled as the room spun, and I sputtered out cheap beer as it soaked the front of my shirt. "What the...are you fucking kidding me?"

I felt a gentle hand on my forearm lead me out of the living room, and I hated that I could still recognize Jordyn's touch anywhere, in any state of being.

"That was so bitchy and unnecessary." Jordyn said as she took me down the hallway and towards the bathroom. "I know people are pissed about what you said at prom but like..." she huffed out a sigh. "It's none of their god damn business."

She shut the bathroom door behind us and sat me down on the edge of the bathtub. She moved to the sink and ran a hand towel underneath the running water.

"Why?" I managed to croak out.

"Why what, Dallas?" Her voice was soft, but she sounded bored, and I couldn't blame her. I was bored of me and my bullshit too.

"After everything I've said and done to you...why do you keep trying to pick me up?" I let out a wry laugh. "I'm done, J. Checked out. Unsalvageable."

She gently shushed me as she pressed a wet towel to my beer-soaked face, brushing bits of sticky damp hair off of my forehead. "Don't say that, you've had a long day, you're just drunk."

I sighed as she went back to the sink to wring out the towel. "You know...this afternoon, I was getting ready and...I had the worst thought."

Jordyn bent down in front of me and pressed the towel to my neck. "Yeah? What was that?"

"That I'm going to be stuck with myself for the rest of my life..." I felt the words leave my mouth the way I imagined my soul was leaving my body. "And that's fucking terrifying."

"Hey," Jordyn put her hand to my cheek. "It's alright. It's all going to be alright. People love you, okay? I love you."

"No," I shook my head as I tried to choke down this horrible feeling clawing its way up my throat. "No, you say that, but you don't really. You love this idea of me that you've made up in your head, but I'm not responsible for him. He's not me."

Jordyn kept her hand to my cheek and wiped away a lone tear that had escaped with her thumb. "You're wrong. I do love you. Whatever you are. However you're feeling. I'm...I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed it."

I forced out another chuckle through the growing tightness in my throat. "J, why can't you just lie to me? Be selfish. Just once. I know I would. I'd lie to me."

As I moved to stand up, the room spun around me again, and I had to press my hand to the tiled wall to keep myself from falling over. Jordyn reached for my forearm, but I pulled away.

"Dallas, wait-"

"No," I snapped with as much malice as I could muster. "You don't get it. None of you fucking get it. I don't need you, I don't need anyone. Just...just go. Leave me alone."

I didn't really want to be alone, but I didn't want her to see me crumble and collapse either. Somehow that was worse.

Jordyn shook her head, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. "I...I can't. I can't leave you like this."

"Fine," I quipped, making an attempt to stand up straight. "Then I will."

I stormed out of the bathroom and made a beeline down the hallway, not even letting Jordyn make an attempt at stopping me. I shouldered my way through the party towards the front door, desperate to escape the suffocation. People pinned their glares to me as I stumbled by, and maybe from the depths of the party I heard someone call my name, but I threw myself against the front door of Anthony's house and slammed it behind me. I tasted rain in the spring night air, and sure enough, little droplets of water began to fall from the sky and speckle the front of my beer-soaked t-shirt. It felt cool against the back of my neck, and for just a moment, I felt like I could breathe.

My moment ended quickly as a few other seniors had congregated on the lawn, glancing at me and whispering behind their hands. Jackson fucking Britton stood among the group and gave me a smug once-over.

"Going for your drug run, Gunther?" he called out to me.

I spun around on my heel to face him and flung my arms out to the side. "Yeah, you caught me. I guess I just can't help myself...just like how your girlfriend couldn't resist helping herself to me."

I expected Jackson to launch himself at me, but he didn't. A sinister smirk worked its way across his face, and he shook his head. "You know what? You two deserve each other. Although the way I hear it, even she's over all your shit."

"Stop, just stop."

As if she'd just stepped out of the void, Kaia walked up to us and put herself between Jackson and I. My heart careened into my throat at the sight of her, wide-eyed with her hands up at both of us. "Both of you, just cut the shit."

I glanced around for my car, thankful for the first time ever for its glaring red color. I just needed to make it to the curb and I was in the clear. I couldn't bear to look at her, so I tore myself away and made a run for my car.

"Dallas, wait stop!" Kaia called after me. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards her, but I lost my balance and almost sent both of us tumbling into the grass.

"Are you okay? Where are you going?" she asked, trying to steady me as she clutched both of my biceps.

"Home," I slurred out. "I'm obviously not welcome here."

"Dallas you can't," she sighed out. "You're drunk, you can't drive. If you want to go home, I'll take you-"

"No," I snapped at her, ripping myself out of her grasp. "Not you. Anyone but you."

She reached for me again. "Dallas, please, let me help you, let's just go-"

"For fucks sake Kaia, leave me alone!" I slipped on the slick grass as the rain began to come down harder and fell back onto the door of my car. A clap of thunder rumbled the ground underneath us, and my bones began to shiver in the damp, cold air. "You can't do this to me, you can't pick and choose when you want to care and when you don't. I can't handle this anymore, I can't."

I scrambled for my keys in my pocket to unlock my car, my hands shaking as rain dripped off locks of my hair and onto my cheeks.

Kaia glanced around in a state of panic, and she threw her hands out at Jackson and whoever he was still standing with. "Can you go get Chris, please? Can fucking someone go get Chris Thompson?"

She was met with blank stares as everyone began to migrate back inside to take shelter from the rain. Black smudges set in the creases under her eyes as she looked up at me, rain trickling down her face. "Don't go. You can't. You can't go."

"Everyone else has already let me go, Kaia. Why can't you?"

Kaia put her hands to the driver's side window of my car. "Dallas Gunther I swear to god if you get in that car-"

I scoffed and shot her one last glare. "You'll do what? Hurt me? Break my heart? You've already done that."

Kaia recoiled as if my words had physically harmed her. Maybe they had. Maybe I'd hurt her as much as she'd hurt me. It was the nature of our relationship, after all. Who could outdo the other, all the way down to the last blow.

I ducked down into my car and started the engine, flipping on the windshield wipers as I tore away from the curb and down the street.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I slammed my hands against the steering wheel until they ached, and rain came down harder as I sped through the empty center of town. Tears stung the corners of my eyes and blurred the world around me. I wiped my nose on my sweatshirt sleeve and choked back another sob.

I clenched my jaw. "What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Another clap of thunder rumbled through the night, and a flash of lightning illuminated the dark through my bleary eyes. The light lingered, and as I rubbed the stars out of my peripheral, I realized far too late it wasn't lightning. It was headlights.


i still don't know why i'm careless
you drag me out of a lonely state of mind
i'd never cut you on purpose
i'm just beginning to take hold of my life

lie to me / the dangerous summer

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