I used to like Valentine's Day when I was younger. Everyone in class was less discriminatory on who got their chocolates and cards, but I'd always end up with the most on my desk in middle school. Even then, I was like a warm little center of the universe people gravitated towards, like the god damn sun.

The first few weeks back at school had gone by relatively drama-free, although I was starting to think I'd contracted the plague by the way people avoided me. I couldn't say I was all that upset about it - the more people left me alone, the less they'd notice the bags under my eyes and the sickly color my cheeks had taken on.

Between my word vomit moment at the sports banquet and the increasingly fanatical rumors about my breakup with Jordyn, it seemed like I'd become a social pariah overnight. But then Valentine's Day hit, and freshly single me was suddenly inundated with adoring eyes and chocolate, just like middle school.

"I don't understand why you get all the candy and less than subtle utility closet invites," Chris grumbled between noisy chews. I'd gifted him a box of CVS brand chocolates I'd found in my locker earlier, but I was only half listening. "I mean, I am objectively better looking, and objectively a better football player."

"Uh huh." I nodded, keeping my gaze fixed across the library at Kaia and Jackson, who were sitting way closer than they needed to be, smiling and laughing about what I could guess was not the contents of open textbook on the table in front of them.

Chris followed my line of sight and let out a sigh. "Dude, you need to stop."

I ignored him. "Do you think if he just wakes up one morning without eyebrows, Kaia would break up with him?"

Chris grabbed a hold of my face and forcefully turned my head to face him, his fingernails digging into my cheeks. "I refuse to let you become this kind of guy."

I scoffed and ripped myself away from his grip. "What kind of guy?"

"A walking cliche," Chris shot me a deadpanned look. "You know, the kind of guy that gets hyper-fixated on a girl just because she told him she's not interested. You're all about the chase, but then what? You did the same thing to Jordyn over the summer, and look what happened."

"That's different," I insisted, wringing my hands together. "You need to stop watching stupid teen dramas on Netflix."

"How so?" Chris asked, slapping his palms down on his pants. "Enlightened me, Dallas. You mean to tell me this isn't about the sex? That you actually feel some type of way about her?"

I watched as Kaia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, glancing up at Jackson with a tiny glint in her eyes. Jackson had his head down towards his notebook, and when he finally looked over at her, she turned away with a faint smile. I wondered if that's how I looked now, eyes wide and longing when I knew she wasn't looking.

"I don't know," I finally turned away and began packing up my books.

"I don't get it man," Chris shook his head. "When did this even happen? To be clear, I'm not talking about your impromptu romp at the party."

I jammed my calculator a little too aggressively into the front pocket of my backpack. "Does it matter?"

"It should," Chris insisted. "Kaia is the one who's so eager to define how you do and don't feel about each other - I mean, she followed you into a bathroom - and yet she is the one who's still in a relationship."

I scoffed. "Thanks for your input, Christopher the Wise."

"Well while I'm being wise, let me remind you that she's your direct competition for Valedictorian. She's going to Dartmouth, she's academically unforgiving, and she will hate you for taking that away from her."

"There's a thin line between love and hate," I said plainly, standing up and slipping my backpack on.

"There you go with the cliches again." Chris groaned as he shrugged his backpack on as well and followed me out of the library. We went our separate ways to our lockers, where Rochelle was quick to meet me with a sly grin.

"Be my Valentine?" she asked, dropping a box of candy hearts in my hand. "I figured since we're both single, we can commiserate on our ability to sabotage our own relationships together."

"Of course." I returned her grin, turning the box over in my hands. "Despite the fact that you're like the fourth person to give me a box of these. You know candy hearts are gross, right?"

"Just open it." She gave me a light shove in the arm.

I did as she instructed and dumped a few in my hands, inwardly cringing at the recognizable chalky texture. I had no idea how people actually ate these. As soon as I could actually make out the messages printed on the hearts, I let out what felt like the first genuine, full-bodied laugh in a while.

The pink one said lose my number, a green one read hater, and my favorite, a blue one, said get bent. I dropped them back in the box.

"Have I mentioned that I love you?" I gave her a subtle jab in the hip.

She offered me a coy grin. "You could stand to mention it more."

After a moment, she leaned up on her toes and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, giving me a gentle squeeze. "You look like you needed a good laugh."

I humored her with a soft chuckle. "Among other things."

Rochelle's hug lingered, almost as if she truly understood my offhand comment. But she didn't. Nobody did.

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I took another bite of my sloppy Quik Mart burrito, watching a glob of nacho cheese whiz drip onto the thigh of my sweatpants. I groaned and dabbed at it with the sleeve of my sweatshirt, my knee refusing to cease it's jittering. I glanced at the clock on my car's dashboard - 10:38 pm. He was late again. 

I knew it should have been a sign - I had eight whole minutes of opportunities to drive out of the Quik Mart parking lot, but the need outweighed all rational thoughts. I'd almost finished my burrito by the time Danny dropped into the passenger seat of my car, bringing in a blast of cold air with him.

"You actually eat that garbage?" he asked me, nodding his head to the bundle of foil I clutched in my hand.

"You're late," I deadpanned him. "I didn't want to look suspect just sitting in a parking lot at 10:30 at night, and I was hungry, so I went in and got food."

"Alright, whatever." Danny dug around in the pockets of his purposefully weathered Carhartt jacket and produced a small plastic baggie. When he handed it to me, I couldn't help but frown at the little white pills between my fingers.

"There's only six here."

Danny only met my cynicism with a scoff. "I gave you six last time. You know, you're really only supposed to take half."

I glanced down at the remnants of the nacho cheese stain on my sweatpants. "Listen I'm just...I'm just stressed, okay?"

Danny shrugged. "Alright, alright, you don't need to explain your personal shit to me. Look I need the money, so I'll give you more next time, but..." he paused and raked a hand through his dark mess of curls. "Just be careful, man. If you don't slow down, you're gonna get stuck chasing."

I uncurled a $20 bill from my wallet and handed it to him. "Chasing what?"

"Whatever it is that you're trying to feel, or not feel. Because this..." he gestured to the bag in my hands. "...is always going to be a temporary fix."

feeling fine, coming down, never back cause we're never out
you'll never call the cops again, i'll never call her mine
in my head, in my head, i get lonely sometimes

cocaine jesus / rainbow kitten surprise

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a "filler" chapter? who's to say.

so i was struggling to title this chapter - i was toying with a few but wasn't sold on any - but then 'too little too late' by jojo came on my spotify shuffle and there's one line that goes 'you don't like me, you just like the chase' and i was just like OPE THAT WORKS. so thanks 16-year-old jojo, you're still a queen and after all these years that song still SLAPS.

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