27 | Collateral Damage

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height




By the end of the football season, the smell of sweat and dirt and blood had seeped into the floors and the walls of the locker room. No matter how many times things got scrubbed and cleaned, it all lingered. When it was time for me to clean out my locker one last time before we all left for Winter break, I lingered too. Feeling nostalgic was dangerous - it reminded you of what was, but also what could have been.

While there was still a solid four months for me to make a final commitment decision to any DI school, football season ending meant scouting ending. I had to accept that whatever offers I'd been given - or not given - lit up the way to my future, like stars of nameless constellations guiding me into the void.

A weary tiredness hung over me like a storm cloud. While most people were going to use their winter break to party and travel and ski, I was going to hibernate like the cold-blooded creature I'd become.

"Gunther!"

Coach Knox's voice bellowed off of the hallway of the administrative coaches offices in the locker room. Of course, his was the biggest and furthest down the hall, but the emptiness carried his voice. My uniform loafers squeaked against the freshly buffed linoleum as I trudged down the hallway, balancing my backpack and my football bag on one shoulder and clutching onto the facemask of my helmet with my other hand.

"You wanted to see me, coach?" I gently rapped on the half-closed door before nudging it open with my elbow, and I hadn't realized I'd dropped my helmet out of sheer shock until the rattling sound of it hitting the floor jumped into the silence of the office.

A man in a crisp orange golf shirt stood over Coach Knox's shoulder as they fixated in on something on his computer. When the man looked up at me, a kind smile reached his eyes, like he was expecting me. He strode around the desk to greet me and my dumbfounded, awestruck self, who's feet refused to unstick themselves from the floor to meet him even a quarter of the way.

"Oh yes, Dallas," Coach Knox finally acknowledged me, and I swore there was a glint of amusement in his eyes. "This is Coach Dabo Swinney, though I don't think he needs any formal introductions."

I heard Coach Knox, but just barely over the pounding of my heart in my ears. I extended my free hand out to him as he approached me in the doorway of the office, praying they weren't as clammy as I imagined.

"Dallas Gunther." I kept my chin up when I spoke, greeting him with the firmest handshake I could muster even though I was ready to melt into a puddle on the floor.

"I know who you are, son," he grinned through his thick southern twang. "Pleasure to finally meet you."

"I'll let you two speak in private," Coach Knox said as he rose from his desk, giving me one last nod of encouragement before leaving the office.

Oxygen - and quite possibly my soul - whooshed out of my body as I exhaled. Normal people got starstruck about celebrities or movie stars. Football players got starstruck over national championship winning head coaches - coaches that someone like me would give up limbs to play for. The white of the Clemson pawprint logo emblazoned on the upper left chest of his golf shirt seemed searingly bright even in the dimness of Coach Knox's office.

Coach Swinney continued with a grin. "I'm sorry I couldn't get up here sooner so we could chat, we had some unfortunate mixups in our travel schedule last week after your game."

"I'm...I'm sorry are you...?" I turned over my shoulder, half expecting someone else to be standing in the doorway waiting to meet with Coach Swinney. "You're here to see me? Just me?"

He laughed, and I couldn't tell if it was supposed to relieve me or unnerve me. He gestured to one of the chairs in front of Coach Knox's desk, and I dropped into it without hesitation.

"We were very impressed with your performance in the championship game." Coach Swinney leaned against the desk and glanced down at me from underneath the brim of his hat. There was a casual intimidation to him, like you weren't sure if he wanted to be your buddy or squish you under his fancy On Cloud sneakers. "You've displayed a lot of the qualities we look for in a quarterback - the will to fight and win, heart, and most importantly, team mentality. A football game is never won by just one guy, and I think you know and understand that. You can be a leader on and off the football field."

My mind wandered back to the fit I threw at Coach Knox to keep me in the game, and I couldn't stop the grin from gracing my face. Coach Swinney was notorious for benching his starters after halftime if they were winning by a lot, to give other guys on the team a chance to play. Last season, all 64 guys on their roster had in-game playing time.   

I must have had stars in my eyes, because Coach Swinney laughed and clapped his hand down on my shoulder. "What do you say, son? You wanna be a Clemson Tiger?"

I could only muster up two words, but I'd never been less hesitant about anything in my life. "I'm in."

"That's what I like to hear." He pulled a card out of his pocket and pressed it into my hand. "We want you to come down some time during spring practices, and we'll get things finalized, yeah?"

"Absolutely," I nodded, feeling a surge of confidence as I stood up. Or maybe it was just a rush of blood, but I couldn't bother to differentiate right now. "I'm the guy you're looking for. I know I am."

I gave him one last handshake before bolting out of the office like a monster with eight heads was chasing me. I stopped in the hallway outside of the boys' locker room to finally catch my breath, and I wanted to scream. Whatever this feeling was, I needed it injected into my veins on a regular basis.

With my adrenaline pumping harder and faster than I'd ever felt before, I slipped my phone out of my pocket to text Chris. His family had already left for their beach house in Boca Raton, but that didn't mean he could avoid me and my bullshit for long. When I opened our text message thread, inundated with bad inside jokes and NFL memes, something stopped me. While I wasn't in any way prepared to give my dad the I'm not going to Cornell speech, the tenseness that wrapped itself up in my chest told me he needed to be the first to know. The only thing worse than telling him was him finding out through other means. I pocketed my phone and tried to still my thundering heart. 

Have you ever wanted something so badly that when it's finally in your grasp, you don't even want to share it, to risk ruining the integrity of it being pure and good and yours, even if it's just for a moment or two. Putting it in words made it feel small, and I felt anything but that.

✗✗✗

The only people who stuck around after the final bell before winter break besides athletes were the choir kids, and the soft spell of Silent Night carried through the otherwise empty hallways. I threw myself against the heavy oak doors leading out to the parking lot, and even the biting cold couldn't chill the fire of adrenaline coursing through me. I was on top of the fucking world.

But the moment I caught sight of Kaia, I was promptly yanked back down to earth. She strode across the other side of the parking lot with Kennedy and Alexis Meller in tow, lugging their bags of field hockey gear behind them. The wind swept up her dark hair, and it looked like a shadow trailed behind her.

On the surface, Kaia and I had kept things relatively neutral the last week, almost as if nothing had even happened. Almost.

But every time we made eye contact, there was a crackling in the air between us, like lightning right before it strikes the ground. If you blinked, you'd miss it. When she gazed up at me from across the parking lot, lightning struck again, and just as quickly it was gone.

I fumbled around with my football gear as I loaded it into my trunk, daring to cast another glance up at her. Instead, I was met with a sharp glance from Kennedy as she leaned against the passenger door of Alexis's Jeep, and it made my heart lurch. It was conspiratorial. It was knowing.

I hadn't told anyone what happened - not even Chris. I wasn't sure why. Maybe the same reasons I wasn't telling him about Clemson. Kaia apparently didn't share the same sentiment, and the thought of that stung a little.

Kaia, still with her field hockey bag swinging on her shoulder, leaned over to Kennedy and said something to her before turning on her heel and walking away, chin up, right towards me.

"Hey Dallas." When she spoke, her breath materialized in the winter cold.

"Hey," I greeted her in a gruff voice, slamming my trunk shut and forcing myself to look at her.

Tiny snowflakes danced in the air, dotting her hair and the thick black leather collar of her varsity jacket. Maybe it was just the way the light of the quickly setting sun hit her, but she glowed. Even if you don't want to admit it, sleeping with someone makes you look at them differently. You hyper focus on the places your lips have touched their skin, and your name in their mouth sounds like some Pagan incantation, like you may as well have sacrificed yourself to them.

The wind kicked up again, and Kaia made an attempt to tuck her hair behind her ears. "So...got any plans for winter break?"

"The usual," I shrugged. "I mean, mostly just sleeping, drinking a lot of wine, and suffering through the same sordid holiday parties my parents and their friends always throw. What about you?"

I leaned against the side of my car, trying to be casual about this cordiality we'd forced upon ourselves.

"I'll be in Breckinridge until after New Years," she confirmed with a nod. "My extended family always rents a house out there in the mountains."

We both lingered, and unsaid words danced around in the air with the snowflakes.

Kaia pulled at the sleeves of her jacket, glancing around the empty parking lot.  "Um...by the way, I'm on the pill. I mean, in case you were wondering or whatever. I forgot to mention it before."

"Well, the condom also happened to be intact after the fact so..." I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I think it's fine. We're fine."

A thin smile tugged at her lips. "Are you referring to just the other night or like...in general?"

I shrugged. "Both, I guess?"

I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince more - me or her. It was fine...but as she ran her tongue along her bottom lip, the only thing I thought about was kissing her again. Her glance fluttered between my eyes and my mouth, and I wondered if she was thinking the same.

"Okay," Kaia nodded methodically. "Great."

"Great," I echoed.

Maybe at some point over break I'd also find the time to do a deep, self-evaluation of when the hell I became this jittering mess of a guy who couldn't have a normal, only slightly awkward conversation with a girl he'd slept with once.

"So Jackson's coming with us to Breckinridge," she blurted out. "I mean...I thought you should know."

"Oh...yeah, okay. Makes sense, cause he's like...you're boyfriend and all."

"And Jordyn is your girlfriend." Kaia's voice was calm, but she'd sharpened her words before throwing them in my face. "Dallas...you and I both know that what happened the other night isn't happening again. It...it can't."

I shouldn't have expected anything different, but her words still sank like a stone inside my stomach. I didn't know what exactly I thought was going to come of the other night, but the way my heart thumped against my chest when Kaia looked at me told me enough. I just had to hope it would eventually subside.

"Agreed," I nodded, hoping she couldn't hear the hesitation in my voice. "No point in making things complicated."

"Right," Kaia sighed, letting her gaze linger on me again before turning away. "Anyway, I've gotta get going. Have a good holiday break."

"Okay," I swallowed hard. "Goodbye."

I said it as if I wouldn't see her back in school in a few weeks, but something about our conversation felt final. I watched walk to her car and drive away before finally getting in mine and cranking the heat to warm my shivering bones. When you want something so badly, you realize quickly that it's never truly free - the universe demands payment. I'd traded in my feelings as collateral damage.



even if i had to lose you to know you
i'd still be that temporary phase that you grow through
i wouldn't change, wouldn't change, wouldn't change falling for you
i think i could manage being collateral damage

damage / the band camino

✗✗✗

to those saying kaia deserves better...*sips tea*

also Dabo Swinney for president 2024

✗✗✗

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net