I'd eased back into the party with relative inconspicuousness, despite the fact that I was under the impression I could legitimately bounce off of walls. I knew nobody had paid attention to where I'd gone, but that didn't stop me from overanalyzing the way people greeted and congratulated me. The crowd had shifted, the faces had been replaced, the sky had darkened, and the early onset of night came down on us. I just kept moving, doing laps around the kitchen and the den and talking to people like I was the god damn mayor. I was afraid if I stopped, so would my heart.

Apparently Chris had fallen asleep in Mr. Higashioka's study, and he reemerged an hour later, completing his metamorphosis and shedding his champagne-soaked shirt like a cocoon in exchange for one of Anthony's many Boston College tees. Even though I wouldn't be caught dead repping gear from another ACC school, my body hated me and my stubborn pride as I shivered in my still-damp button up shirt.

"Come on, I've got us up next at the pong table," Chris said as he slung his arm around my shoulder. I felt weird keeping things from Chris, and I wondered if he knew as I squirmed under his grip.

As would be expected, Chris and I quickly attracted a small crowd as we played two seniors on the soccer team in beer pong. I'd become hyper-aware of the way people looked at me. Could they hear the way my heart pounded as it tried to escape my chest? Could they taste the dopamine that seeped out of every orifice of my pore like honey?

It was as if my brain was tuned into a different radio frequency than everyone else's, and all I could pick up was static. I didn't know if I was already coming down from the high, but I knew I hated whatever this feeling was, like you're chasing after something and no matter how hard you go and how fast you run, it just moves further and further away. I just didn't know if I was reaching out for the high, or something else.

"I don't wanna play anymore," I grumbled after I missed another shot.

I turned away from the pong table and inadvertently let my gaze fall over the thinning crowd dispersed throughout the den. I wasn't sure if I saw her first, or she saw me first, but when our eyes finally met from opposite sides of the room, the electricity that shot through me could have lit up a small town. Kaia Greene had seemingly stepped out from the void, and it wasn't until that moment that I realized I'd been looking for her all along.

And just as quickly as it lit me up, it all went dark when she turned away and disappeared into the thriving ecosystem of the party. As if we were conjoined by a tiny string, when she moved, I felt compelled to follow.

"Dallas?" Chris called after me. "Dallas, you can't just quit!"

"I don't quit," I replied over my shoulder. "I'm just avoiding losing."

I spotted Kennedy sitting on the kitchen island, swinging her legs back and forth as she casually flirted with some girl in a blue hoodie. I guess I wasn't the only person in the mood to act upon emotionally-driven impulses. People did horrible shit when our hearts were being held in someone else's hands, and even though I should have been mad at Kennedy by default, part of me understood. I knew how Rochelle operated, and I also knew how Kennedy looked at her - probably the same way Jordyn looked at me. You can't force yourself to love someone, no matter how much they might love you.

"Have you seen Kaia?" I blurted out as I wedged myself between Kennedy and blue hoodie girl, who scoffed and walked away.

"No, I haven't." Kennedy threw me a pointed look.

"Bullshit."

Unfazed, Kennedy let out a heavy sigh. "You know Dallas, I never liked you. There's something about you...your entitlement, your fake swagger, you think it's charming but it's just annoying. And one day people - including Kaia - are going to see you for what you really are behind all of that. Just a sad little boy so desperate for attention and validation that you'll do anything to get it."

Maybe if I didn't have pure grandiosity pumping through my veins, that would have actually hurt.

"That's so interesting, Kennedy," I deadpanned her. "You know who you are?"

She shrugged. "Enlighten me Dallas. Who am I?"

"Absolutely nobody." I paused and rested my hands on the counter, leaning closer into her. "And you'll do well to remember that."

I ripped myself away from her and tried not to feel the sting of her words. My head was spinning, but by this point, my body was moving on its own as I maneuvered through the first floor and to the stairs. A group of girls I didn't even think went to our school were huddled around another girl, hysterically sobbing. She glanced up at me as I got closer to them, with little rivers of black running down her cheeks. I bolted past them, up the steps two at a time.

There was something to be said about having sudden, striking clarity of what you want. The world opened up, and I felt so god damn invincible, nothing could break me. Not even falling harder than I ever thought possible.

It felt like a heavy, stale haze had lifted when I made it upstairs. Ghosts of twisted up relationships could be heard behind closed doors, and I slipped into the first open room I saw before my own ghosts came to haunt me.

Anthony had two older sisters, and despite the fact that neither of them lived at home, the Higashiokas kept their daughters' bedrooms as if they were gone forever, and nobody could bear the deconstruction of someone's whole existence in a little room. Ryann had taken a gap year before going to college and traveled all over Asia, so her walls were covered in little tapestries and far too many photo collages tangled up in string lights. A jade colored dragon figurine sat on her bedside table, and I wondered why she wouldn't have taken something like that with her when she moved out. Jade was considered to be a lucky stone, and usually signified things like virtue, kindness, and wisdom. Maybe Ryann just didn't need any more luck.

I lowered myself onto the bed and forced myself to pay attention to my breathing. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale. Do it again. Pretend you can't feel your heart trying to rip itself through your chest. Act fucking normal.

The door creaked open, and it made me jump to my feet. Kaia slipped in and shut the door behind her with a soft click.

"I saw you run up here like something was chasing after you." She bit down on her lip. "You alright?"

A clap of thunder rumbled the house, and soon enough sleet and snow and ice could be heart pelting against the windows. The whole room dimmed, but something about her still glowed in the little twinkling lights hung from the walls. It was the first time we'd spoken directly to each other in what felt like weeks, and her first words asking me about my wellbeing seemed to only rattle my insides. If I was her, I'd hate me, just like Kennedy said.

I swallowed any of that bullshit down, and the grandiosity took over. "I was looking for you, actually."

"Oh?" She arched an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah," I nodded, dragging my gaze up the length of her body. She wore a leather jacket that looked like it was large enough to fit me, but the way it casually hung off her shoulder made it seem perfect for her. It was still nowhere near as perfect as the way her jeans hugged every inch of her long legs.

"You, uh...you look really good," I sighed out.

"Well, thank you." A smile cracked whatever stone-faced facade she had going on. "You...you look soaking wet, actually."

"You missed the champagne showers earlier," I grinned. "And everyone singing Bon Jovi."

"I'll try to contain my disappointment," she said with a grimace.

My heart throbbed in my ears as she walked up to me, slowly and methodically like there was a greater purpose to every step she took. She was close enough for me to catch a whiff of her flowery perfume.

"Your nose is bleeding," she stated.

I reached up and brushed my hand under my nose and sure enough, came away with blood staining my fingertips.

"Shit," I sighed out. "I get nosebleeds in the winter sometimes, it's nothing really."

Kaia rolled her eyes and gestured for me to sit down on the bed. "I'm sure there's small towels in the bathroom. Just sit and don't do anything stupid."

She motioned for me to sit back down on the bed before skirting around it and to the small bathroom on the other side of the room. I kept my head tilted back as best as I could, but my shirt already looked like it belonged at a crime scene.

"So who's room is this anyway?" Kaia called from the bathroom.

"Anthony's sister's," I replied, still fumbling around as blood spilled from my nose. "Or...it was, I guess. I'm pretty sure she lives in LA full time now."

"Can't say I blame her."

Kaia reemerged with two forest green towels and sat down on the bed beside me, our knees bumping ever so slightly. She reached around to the back of my neck and tilted my head forward with one hand and pressed a damp towel to my nose with the other. Music fluttered faintly through the floor.

"Aren't I supposed to tilt my head back, not forward?" I asked, my voice half muffled behind the towel.

"Actually, I was always taught if you tilted your head back, you could choke on your own blood," Kaia stated plainly. "Just pinch your nose until it stops."

I did as she instructed, and the taste of metal lingered at the back of my mouth the same way her touch lingered on my skin.

"I'm sorry." The words came spilling out of me, and even though I knew I was nowhere near as coherent as I wanted to be, the little bit of cocaine confidence I had left kept going for me. I took the towel away and tried to wipe off any remnants of blood on my face.

She let out a tired sigh. "About what, Dallas?"

"Bailing on you on Halloween." I let my shoulders slump. "And just everything after that. I think maybe...we were kind of having a moment? And I just..."

"Went and kissed another girl?"

Even though Kaia sat up straight and held her chin up, there was no hiding the hurt in her eyes.

"Did you want me to?" I sputtered out. Foot, meet mouth. "I mean...kiss you instead?"

Our knees brushed against one another's, and without realizing it, we had been inching closer. It wasn't conscious, it was just magnetic. I reached over and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, letting my hand linger on the side of her face. She closed her eyes and inhaled, like she was trying to process the sound of the hail against the window and the lingering warmth of my touch in some logical way. I was burning up, and I wondered if she felt it.

"Dallas," she finally sighed out. "There are people downstairs that will notice that both you and I are not there."

"So what?" I scoffed. "Fuck everyone else. This is about me and you."

"You know, it's really not that simple," Kaia finally spoke up, her words softer than I expected. She absentmindedly toyed with the button on my shirt sleeve cuff.

"Okay, then here's something simple." I shifted my body to face her, swallowing down any sliver of doubt, logic, or anything else that would stop me from jumping over the edge. "Do you still want me to kiss you?"

Kaia glanced down at my mouth, and I felt the need to run my tongue over my bottom lip.

There was a beat of silence, and even though the party still lived and thrived downstairs, it was quiet enough for me to hear the blood pumping through my ears. Finally, Kaia let out a breath. "Do you want to kiss me?"

"I do." I leaned closer to her, letting my words dance on her cheek. She brought her hand to my chest, and I was sure she could feel how desperately my heart wanted to escape my body.

"Then kiss me."

So I did.

The softness of it at first took me by surprise. I wasn't used to it. Jordyn and I thrived on feverish instinct, but there was none of that in Kaia. She was delicate with me, even as she ran her hand up my chest and placed it on the side of my jaw, subtly pulling me closer. I slid my arm around her waist and let my fingers caress the exposed sliver of skin at the small of her back between her shirt and her jeans. Her whole body leaned into me, and she fit there perfectly. Too perfectly.

We fumbled with each other's clothes, like my shirt had too many buttons to undo and her earrings got caught in her shirt. But past the layer of awkward unfamiliarity, there was a desire to feel each other in a way other people hadn't. Like we were each other's firsts.

"Dallas," she sighed out as she pulled away, but still close enough for me to count the stars of freckles under her eyes. "Is this a good idea?"

"Probably not." I brushed my thumb over her lip and rested my hand on her cheek. "But it's not like we need to make a pro-con list. I mean...unless you want to."

She rested her forehead against mine and let her hands travel down the front of my chest, finding the buckle of my belt. The softest smile graced her lips. "I'm not a list maker."

and i swear there's a ghost on this island
and his hands all covered in blood

antichrist / the 1975

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do you love my kids as much as i do? maybe??? not me taking 60k words and 26 chapters for main characters to kiss. *angel emoji*

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