"I desire the things

"It's not mine." I blurted out, my wide eyes still trained on the box in Luce's hands.

She leaned back against the couch tensely. "Yeah, well, that doesn't really answer my question."

I licked the dryness off my lips and stepped closer into the lounge, walking towards the couch but not really sitting down. I needed to take that box out of her hands. I didn't know why but it just felt like I needed to.

"I..." I trailed off and noticed her gaze on me. She patted the empty space beside her on the couch. I sat down after a little hesitation.

"Back when Alastair was still in the hospital, he asked me to get something from his dorm. A journal. But I...I saw this too. And..." I trailed off again, my throat closing up on itself. "I didn't want to leave it there."

Luce was silent for a while, her fingers trailing across the box. "So it's his."

"Yes."

"And he doesn't know that you have it."

I shrugged. "I don't think so. He must not have noticed its absence." And that was good. Beyond good. "Which is good."

Luce nodded and faced me.

"Why did you take it?" She asked.

I looked at her, merely blinking in response. Wasn't the answer to that obvious enough? But then I realized that no, it wasn't. Not all of it. Luce didn't know where most of my fears came from. Sometimes, I didn't know where they came from either.

"Because I don't trust him with it," I replied, then copied her actions and leaned back against the couch. Perhaps the fact that I wasn't bothering to lie was what made her look surprised. "And I don't want him to do it again."

She exhaled slowly, almost as if she had been holding her breath. That almost made me start fidgeting.

"Okay." She said, "I'm glad you're not making up shitty excuses, Lia."

I relaxed a little, grateful that it wasn't so tense around us anymore. "My excuses aren't shitty."

She rolled her eyes despite the small smile on her face. "So are you going to fill me in on stuff?"

"What stuff?"

"This stuff." She replied, tugging onto my hoodie sleeve. I looked down at it and noticed the Camberley Prep Academy crest at the top.

"I don't know, Luce," I replied honestly. "Things happened. They...they didn't go the way I was expecting."

"In a good way?"

"In a good way," I said. "More than just good. I'm...relieved." Relieved that it hadn't gone sideways like I had been expecting. I looked up at her with a small smile. "So you know, thanks. For not letting me give up."

I owe a thanks to Nora too.

Luce nudged my shoulder with hers. "Anytime." Then she passed me a small, knowing smile. "Isn't that what sisters are for?"

I breathed out a laugh and closed my eyes, resting the back of my head against the couch. "Yeah." Except that I still hadn't expected it.

"So am I supposed to act like a real grown-up now?" She asked, combing a hand through her hair. Luce liked keeping her hair down as much as I liked keeping mine up. "Ask you to not close your door when Alastair's around?"

I made a face at her, despite feeling the heat crawling up my neck. "What? No." I said, discreetly trying to cover my neck with my hoodie. If Luce saw the mark on my neck, which had thankfully gone a shade lighter from what Alastair left me with, I might have to hear her teasing remarks for the rest of my life

"God, that's like a little too much," I added with a short, nervous laugh.

"But Mom would've done the same." She grinned at my mortification. We both knew Mum would have done that and a lot more embarrassing things. But never for me. Because I never brought boys home.

And surprisingly, my mum never even cared about that, about my very slow dating life. I think that was because she had lost faith in love, for good this time, after her constant arguments with Dad arose.

"Look, don't do that. Don't do anything Mum would do
Please." I straightened up from my leaning position. "Mum's not here. She doesn't need to know about this. Besides, this isn't even that serious."

"Oh?" She stretched it out, raising her brows at me. "So what I just saw from the window, when you were in his car, that wasn't serious?"

I groaned out loud before getting up from the couch. "I never tease you about Jim."

"Well, we don't make out in his car, do we?"

"Luce," The way I said her name made her break out laughing. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

She sobered up and tried forcing a serious look on her face, nodding. "Got it. I'll heat up dinner for you."

I shook my head in disbelief, ready to head for my room when I remembered the box. My eyes drifted towards it and it was still in Luce's hands.

"Can I have that back?" I asked her.

"What?"

"The box. Can I have it back?"

"Oh." She looked back at the box. I couldn't help but notice the way her shoulders tensed just a little. "Should you?"

I blinked in surprise. "What do you mean?"

She seemed to be contemplating for a few seconds and ended up sighing. "I don't know, Lia. I don't think you should keep this with yourself."

I was left surprised, again, while I tried registering what she was actually referring to. That, and the way she handled that box a little too cautiously, made some awful memories flash in front of my eyes. Those memories that I still had a hard time letting go of.

"I won't use them," I said in almost a whisper. I was glad she heard it though. Something about this situation, and that box, didn't let me voice it out any louder.

"I'm...sure you wouldn't." But I heard the uncertainty in her voice, the underlying hesitation.

Did she know? How would she, I thought. She couldn't know about things that I never told anyone. That wasn't possible.

"Lia."

I looked back at her and saw the frown on her face. "What?"

"Are you all right? You went a little pale." She was still frowning, then softly shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't...I wasn't implying that I don't trust you. I do. But--"

"It's fine, Luce." I rolled my shoulders, just like I had seen Alastair doing a hundred times, trying to relieve some of the tension. "I get it that...my panic attacks have unsettled you. But it's fine. I'm fine. I don't self harm. You honestly don't have to worry about that."

The hesitation went away as she stared at me. Then she sighed and extended the box towards me.

"All right." She said, "I trust you when you say that. I also trust you to talk to me if something bothers you enough to cause another panic attack."

I nodded and gave her my most genuine smile. "I'm working on it."

I'd like to believe that I was.

******

"So you're all good with Nora now?"

I nearly grimaced when I heard the edge in Tara's voice, a kind of sharpness that told me she was pissed and trying not to show it at the same time.

"I'm not good with her--"

"Not besties, you mean." She cut me off.

"Yes." I sighed, shaking my head as I looked across the kitchen counter. "We just talked."

I heard her scoff on the other end, as if she couldn't believe it.

"So what now?"

"Tara--"

"No, Lia, what's going on with you?" She asked exasperatedly. "First it was the whole Noah thing and now you're best friends with the popular bitch again?"

I blinked in surprise.

"You know, the only person I can think of calling a bitch right now is you." I didn't, however, make it sound rude like she had been doing.

Tara let out a laugh at that, a humorless one.

"We're growing apart. You, Steph and I. And you don't even care."

"I do care."

"No, you don't." She sounded disappointed. "We were there for you when you had no friends, Lia. How can she even be friends with you when you were hooking up with his boyfriend behind her back?"

I went silent at that. Stunned and silent. Because for some unknown reason, I had been expecting--hoping--for Tara (at least) to not believe in that.

"I...never hooked up with him," I said, then frowned. "You'd like to believe Alicia over me? That sounds like you don't care about our friendship, Tara."

It was her turn to go silent and almost instantly, I felt bad for sounding so mean.

"Look, I just...I don't know how to make you all believe in me. I'm trying to let go of things." I added a little desperately.

I heard her sighing on the other end. Knowing her, she might probably still be pissed at me, but she wasn't going to snap at me anymore. She knew I was trying.

"Besides, how did you even find out about Nora and me?"

"Not from you, obviously." She grumbled. "I had to pick up some flowers for my aunt so I went to your mom's shop. Nora was there, chatting all happily with your mom."

"Oh," I murmured. "Did you not talk to her? Nora, I mean."

"I don't like her, Lia."

"Tara," I momentarily closed my eyes. "We all used to be friends."

"Yeah...I know." She sounded hesitant. "But she's still more into that shit popularity."

She has changed, I wanted to say. But what did I know? So what if she was there for me when I had been having a panic attack? That did not mean she would be there for me when I went back home. It might just have been the guilt that made her help me in the first place.

"I'm sorry," I told her, meaning it.

She didn't say anything in response. I wasn't expecting anything either.

That's exactly when I heard the loud dripping noise.

"Is that water dripping?" Tara asked, clearly hearing the noise too since it was dead quiet where she was right now. Probably her attic. Tara had a spacey attic in her house which she had renovated all by herself, turning it into a small cozy room. It was usually so quiet there whenever she used to invite Steph and I over.

"I think so," I murmured and got up from the kitchen stool. "Wait a sec. Let me check."

As I passed the lounge window, I saw that the sky had already started darkening up. It often irritated me how quickly time passed these days.

I followed the distinct dripping noise, my phone still over my ear, and stopped by Luce's room. It was empty since Luce was out. That, however, did not explain why I was hearing full-on water dripping from her bathroom.

"Are you near a waterfall?"

"That's not how waterfalls sound like." I scrunched up my nose as I pushed open the closed bathroom door. Even the lights were off.

When I switched one open, I was a little surprised to see the small bathtub overflowing with water. The entire floor was wet, and I found it out the hard way.

"Fuck." I winced when I felt the cold water seeping through my socks and against my bare feet. Rushing towards the bathtub, I turned off the faucet and stared at the overflowing water with wide eyes.

"What happened?" Tara asked.

"The bathtub." I breathed, watching as all the water drained out. It was ice cold, making me shiver a little. "The tap was open."

"Huh," Tara responded. "Weren't you alone in the house though?"

I am, I wanted to say. But the words were stuck in my throat.

Later when I ended my call with Tara, threw my wet socks in the laundry, I called Luce to ask what the hell was that about. She was just as clueless as me.

I mean, it couldn't have been Luce who forgot to close the tap when she left the apartment. Because Luce had left hours ago, and the bathtub would have been overflowing way before this if that had been the case.

But it wasn't. Luce told me that she didn't go anywhere near that bathtub. Which, to be fairly honest, creeped me out. Perhaps Luce's apartment really was haunted.

I didn't get to tell her that, though. But I did tell that to Alastair when we met up at the lake later that night to skate--as per my request. I liked skating with him, despite my awful skills. And ever since he told me that people actually skated on that lake, I wanted to do it too.

Who wouldn't want to skate at such a beautiful place?

"Yes, and when I went in there, the whole bathtub was overflowing," I told him as we both walked side by side amidst the woods, heading for the lake.

I felt a hand on the small of my back. When I turned around and looked up at Alastair, my eyes trailed down to the pair of skates that he had extended towards me.

"Maybe you opened the tap and forgot about it." He suggested.

"Or maybe the apartment's haunted."

He smiled as if that mere thought was hilarious.

"Don't you believe in ghosts?" I asked him and stopped by the lake, admiring the view like every other time we came here. A small cold breeze swept by us, making me shiver just a little.

"I don't know if I'm supposed to," He replied. I glanced over at him and a wisp of his hair fell over his forehead. I had an urge to push it away.

Instead, I just smiled.

"That's such a debatable answer," I said before plopping down on the grass, pulling on my skates. "What I don't get is why ghosts lurk around us?"

"Unfinished business?" He suggested.

I grinned, too busy tying my laces to look up at him. "So you do know about ghosts." Then I glanced over at the lake, at the frozen ice. "What if it breaks?"

Alastair followed my gaze at the lake, his hand in his hair as he pushed it back.

"It wouldn't." He smiled down at me, looking just as beautiful as the moon above us. "Besides, I'll be there with you."

"You sound so sure of yourself." I rolled my eyes, despite knowing that him being with me was something I would always be grateful for.

"I do know how to swim."

"In such cold water?"

"Yes."

"But it'd be cold." I frowned at him. "Why would you swim in such ice-cold water?"

He shrugged. "I used to swim a lot during winters. The water's usually cold. It sometimes even gets frozen at the top."

I couldn't help but shiver again, not because of the cold, but at what he just said. "That sounds deadly. You're strange, Alastair."

"Am I not?" He murmured slowly as he bent down to tie up his own laces.

"But I'm just as strange as you," I added before appreciating the way the skates perfectly fit my feet. "And I like you. So it's fine."

I couldn't really not stare at the breathtaking smile he sent me after that. It was just enough for me to wonder how the fuck was he so beautiful--like every other time I stared at him for too long.

When I stepped on the ice, it felt just like at the ice rink. I felt anxious and excited at the same time.

"Let's not go in the middle." I pointed out as I gazed at how far we were from the grass. "I'm scared it'll break."

"Okay." He agreed and I gripped his hands a little tighter. The wind whipped across my ponytail, sending dark strands on my face. And since I didn't have my hands free, I couldn't really push them back.

"Do you maybe wanna try it on your own?"

"Do I?" I glanced at him anxiously. I was scared to let go.

"It'll be fine. Let go of my hands slowly. And try not to think too much about your balance." He said, watching me all the while. "Just breathe."

I inhaled a deep sigh and nodded. "Okay. But if I start to fall--"

He grinned. "I'll catch you. Promise."

I slowly loosened my grip on his hands. He didn't move. Neither did I. I didn't even realize that I wasn't holding onto his hands anymore as I stood there on the ice by myself. Everything felt fragile, like it might break any second. It felt overwhelming and exhilarating.

"See, you're doing just fi--"

I tipped forward, losing my balance, and aimed straight for the ice.

"Careful." He stopped the fall just like he had promised, and tucked his arms around my waist. I stared at him wide-eyed with my breath stuck in my throat and clutched onto him for dear life.

"Breathe," He reminded me, and I did. Then he was laughing. "I guess I jinxed it."

"You sure as heck did."

I relaxed just a little when he pulled one hand away from my waist, softly pushing away a few strands of my hair that came dangerously close to my eyes.

We skated for a while after that, mostly together. He'd convince me to let go for a few seconds. I'd try maintaining my balance, but when I'd lose it, he'd be there to catch me.

"Ophelia?" He asked softly as we skated, his grip gentle around me as my forehead rested on his shoulder.

"Yes?"

He was silent for a while, thinking. I had a feeling he was wondering whether saying it out loud would be worth it or not. Naturally, that made me a little anxious.

"You never told me who Noah is," He said.

I felt myself stiffening at that. He must've noticed it too since he stopped skating. And when I pulled away to look at him, he didn't really let go of my waist.

"What?"

"You mentioned his name that night." He continued with his eyes on me, determined. "At my dorm. Who is he?"

Who is he.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I inwardly cringed when the lie slipped out of my lips, way before I could've thought twice about it. It was a natural instinct. For a second, I forgot about everything and just lied.

I also saw the surprise on his face. "Why would you say that?"

I swallowed uneasily and forced my gaze away from his eyes. Anything but his eyes. "Because I really don't know what you're talking about, Alas."

"You're lying, Ophelia." He sounded frustrated. "I can see that."

Naturally, when someone caught your lie, you denied it. "Why would I be lying?"

He chose to ignore it.

"You don't have to lie to me, Ophelia. I thought...I thought you knew that." I noticed the way he tried to hide the hurt from his expression. It made my stomach twist in a sick way.

Why was I lying? Why was I lying about Noah? After all, hadn't I told him myself--prepared myself enough--that I would open up to him? Hadn't I told him that we'll talk about this later?

All of the fear that was still inside me told me that that wasn't true. I mean, I had said that, and I had meant to open up to him, but not Noah. I wasn't going to talk about Noah. I never talked about him, no matter what.

Why? Because I hated thinking about him. I hated that awful, pathetic feeling when I remembered all those times he used to be there. If I think about him, it'll feel like he was here. Even if he wasn't here, he'd be here nonetheless.

And I didn't want to go back into that scary dark abyss again. It was awful. Scary. Lonely.

"Ophelia--"

"Honestly, Alas, I don't get why you're so onto this one topic." I cut him off. It almost felt like it wasn't me speaking, just wanting to push him away until he started ignoring this one topic. I was scared. "If I'm lying, which you seem so hell-bent on believing, I must not want to talk about it. To you. Did that ever cross your mind?"

I didn't mean to say all that. I didn't mean to sound so harsh. I really