"...what the heart is
and what

There were a lot of things that I found strangely hilarious. For instance, sarcasm. Or the way my psychology professor tried so so hard not to cuss during class. Or the way Mason--my little brother--thought that it would snow, with newfound enthusiasm, every new year.

And then there were a few things that I just did not find amusing. 

At all.

For example, getting my best friend's locker door smacked into my face. I did not find that funny. 

But apparently few of my college mates, the ones who were near enough to witness the scene, considered it worth laughing at as they passed me by.

"Lia." That was Nora, giving me a look that was a mix in between concern and surprise. She seemed to be the only one who wasn't laughing at me as I leaned against the locker beside hers, rubbing my now-aching forehead. I couldn't help but frown.

"What the hell is up with you today?" She asked me with the same look, closing her locker much more softly than usual as if she was expecting me to step in her way and slam my head on it again.

I had a feeling I'd be getting a bruise there. Not a nasty one, thankfully. But a bruise nonetheless. It might've already gone red, I realised, as I tried to adjust my bangs over the specific spot. Those bangs, I'm telling you, was not a good idea. But alas, I was never one to think before making such hideous decisions. Even if my mum had somehow kinda warned me that I might not like the outcome. 

Mum was right. Like always. But it wasn't like I could do anything about it now. And strangely enough, even if the new haircut annoyed me, it was a fresh change. I liked it.

"I'm fine," I mumbled, trying to avoid the few stares I was getting at that moment. Most were sympathetic ones, but to me, they were all making fun of me. Some were actually. College, yet people still couldn't mind their own businesses.

Nora gripped her sociology textbook but her stare remained on me. I had a feeling she was not going to let this one go so easily.

"Lia, you have been acting like this since the morning." She pointed out as we started walking across the hallway, towards the library.

"Like what?" I didn't bother sparing her a glance. I felt too tired to look anywhere. All I could think about at that moment, apart from the little embarrassing incident a few seconds ago, was sleep. I just wanted to sleep so badly. 

"Like your brain isn't functioning properly."

"My brain's functioning properly," I told her.

Her dark glossy curls bounced over her shoulders as she shook her head.

"Yeah, right. You nearly fell asleep in Biology. And then in the cafeteria? I saw you zoning out. What's going on with you? Didn't you get decent sleep last night?"

Decent, I repeated in my head. Decent was the last thing my nights felt these days.

"I had decent sleep," I replied, sniffing. Talking about sleep made me want to yawn, and yawning made me want to rub my eyes. It stung if I kept them open for too long.

Too busy in my own head, I didn't realise what was about to happen, not until I felt Nora gripping my elbow a little harshly and pulling me to an abrupt halt. I just about managed to stop from swearing out loud at her when I noticed one of the school pillars a few inches away from me. 

Another bruise, a nasty one this time, was what I would've been getting if Nora hadn't stopped me.

"Lia," Nora spoke slowly this time. I could have heard the underlying impatience in her voice. And we weren't making our way towards the library anymore, I realised. "What the hell is up with you?"

"Nothing is up with me." I frowned. I was frowning a lot today.

She frowned back at me.

"You're repeating my words like a fucking robot."

I exhaled through my nose and turned around, heading towards the library myself. A few seconds later, I heard Nora's rushed footsteps catching up to me. I usually liked taking pride in the fact that I was exactly two inches taller than her. Not today, though.

Today I was too tired to care about anything.

"So you're just going to pretend everything's fine." She said.

I did not like how much she was talking right now. Couldn't we not talk? Couldn't we just walk and head to the library and remain silent? What was so wrong with that?

"Everything is fine." I told her. "I just didn't have much sleep last night."

It wasn't a lie, I told myself. But maybe it was. It had not just been last night. I hadn't gotten sleep the night before that, or the few ones before that either. Now that I think about it, it has been happening for weeks. Today was only the day it seemed more profound--my lack of sleep.

I couldn't even make myself think of a day anymore where I slept more than two whole hours. 

"Why not?" She asked me. It took me a moment to register the concern in her voice.

"I don't know. Probably the new neighbours moving beside us. They were too loud last night."

Nora, thankfully, didn't get to ask me more when we entered the library, knowing fully well that the librarian, Mrs Donny, would kick us out if we dared to speak anything in here. She was strict that way, compared to most of the librarians I had met.

As we both got seated around one of the empty library tables, the one situated a little far away from the librarian's desk, I folded my arms and planted my head on top of them. I tried pretending there was nothing around me. Well, at least for the first few seconds. 

"Lia." It was Nora. Again.

I didn't give her the satisfaction of a response. 

"Do you want me to get you a cup of coffee?" She asked me. I couldn't help but notice how soft her voice had gone, almost as if she was afraid she'd shatter something fragile. I wasn't something fragile.

"No." 

"It might help." She offered.

Inhaling deeply, I looked up at her from my arms, trying my hardest not to glare at her. It isn't her fault, I kept telling myself, she's just being a good friend. I had no right to be such a bitch. But how were you not supposed to be a bitch when your head wasn't working properly?

"I tried the whole coffee thing, Nora," I told her, then grimaced a little when I remembered the taste of it. I hated coffee. This wasn't my first time saying it. "It doesn't work on me. I threw up right afterwards." Which was sadly the truth. 

Coffee helped. At least that's what everyone said. And that's what I thought so too until I had a cup of coffee myself. It had just worsened my anxious state, even more so than before. And I ended up puking my guts out. 

So-not a nice experience.

Nora, I realised, looked a lot more worried now. "Really?"

I nodded.

"So you're telling me that this has been happening for days now." She added, her gaze stubbornly fixated on my face. "You're telling me that you haven't been able to sleep for more than just one night."

I opened my mouth, then frowned at her. 

"I don't remember saying that," I said.

"You did, actually." She sighed. "Indirectly. Lia, are you all right?"

I tried not to fidget under her gaze, I really did, but it was hard. Not when her stare felt like something was crawling under my skin, taunting me, eating me up. I shifted in my seat and turned my gaze on a set of books behind her. 

"Lia--"

"Guys!" 

I didn't have to look in the direction of the voice to figure out who it was. The excitement in her voice was obvious. Also, there was only one person that I knew who could whisper-scream. Stephanie.

"Hey, Steph." Nora waved, smiling a little as Steph sat down at our table. It was still a surprise for me to see Nora acting so casually with Steph and Tara, even when I knew they didn't go along well with each other. Tara and Nora usually had this tension around them, unless they were talking about boys (of course). Nora and Steph, however, were not that cautious around each other. Perhaps that was all Steph; she was friendly with everyone. 

Still, I wouldn't lie and say that there wasn't this...elephant in the room when all three of them were together. Because there was. Every single time.

"Nora. Lia." Steph greeted us with a big smile--one that I knew was an excited one. "I've got news."

I gritted my teeth in response, fidgeting with the hem of my sweatshirt this time. I was feeling even more jittery than I'd felt this morning. I wanted to curl in on myself. Everything was starting to annoy me, even the smile on Steph's lips. 

God, what the fuck was wrong with me?

"Lia." Someone touched my shoulder and I clenched my jaw this time.

Don't pull away, Lia. Don't. It's just a friendly gesture.

Yet I still felt like slamming my head on the table.

"What's up?" I ended up saying, meeting Steph's questioning gaze. I could even feel Nora's gaze on me. I wanted to tell her that constantly concerned gazes were starting to really piss me off.

"Good. Everything's good actually." Steph smiled again and laced her hands together. "I came here to tell you guys about something. So the art kids are putting up a small festival. A fundraising one. You know, for the theatre props and stuff. They--we--want this year's show to be one of a kind. And for that, there's gonna be a budget. So they've put up a festival." Her gaze kept darting from me to Nora. Nora nodded along, and I would've done the same if I wasn't so lethargic.

"And I may or may not have listed four names from my side, for one of the fundraising activities," Steph added.

Steph had the most absurd subjects for her A levels. Art and Maths. It didn't make sense to me, but then again, who was I to judge? Steph was pretty good at both. She was actually brilliant at anything related to Maths, just as much as I sucked at it.

"And who are the four names?" Nora asked curiously.

Steph beamed. "You, Lia, Tara and I."

It took me a little moment to register her words. When I did, all I felt was annoyed. I wouldn't have been against it under normal circumstances. You know, when I wasn't exhausted and paranoid out of my mind? 

Right now, however, I just felt pissed off.

"You entered my name without asking me?"

Steph shrugged. "I figured you wouldn't have a problem with it."

"How do you know that?" I asked her, still clenching my jaw.

"Because I know you?"

I frowned. I frowned really hard. "No, you don't. You don't fucking know me."

Oh God, I whispered in my head. Steph seemed a little taken aback by my words. I think I was too. I was finally losing it.

Silence followed my words, but Nora, thankfully, broke the awkward tension with a laugh. It sounded forced.

"Lia's on her period. You know how she gets when she's on her period, right?" Nora spoke up in a nonchalant way. I opened my mouth, probably to tell her that she should shut up, but she beat me to it. "I think it'll be fun, Steph. You got any plans for what kind of fundraising shit we're gonna do?"

Steph passed me a wary glance, before looking at Nora. "Not really. We'd have to brainstorm."

Nora nodded. "Cool. Maybe we all should meet up somewhere to come up with ideas."

Steph nodded too but she was back to staring at me. 

"Lia, you all right?"

No. No. No. Could she hear the no that was right there on my tongue?

"Yeah." I forced it out of my mouth, sliding my chair backwards and nearly grimacing at the creaky sound it made. "Sorry. I just...what Nora said, yeah. I need to go to the restroom. I'll meet you guys in a bit."

When I was inside the restroom, away from all the noise and all the concerned stares, I heard myself exhaling heavily. It felt like an awfully heavy weight sat on my shoulders, gripping onto them, pulling me down. And not figuratively. No, it felt so real. It felt like there were these heavy stones stacked on each one of my shoulders, weighing me down.

It shouldn't have been scary. Yet it was. It was because I wanted to sleep and I knew that I couldn't. I was scared to sleep.

I gripped the edges of the marble sink and closed my eyes shut. Scrunched them shut.

Familiar grey eyes. Those beautiful grey eyes. Dead. Dead. Dead.

"Fuck." It came out in a breathy whisper as I opened my eyes, feeling my stomach twisting painfully in response.

God, why had I let it go this far?

-----------------

damn part two is gonna be a hell of a ride. i may or may not have cried just a teeny weeny bit while writing the next bunch of chapters

xoxo,
Crystal.