thirteen

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“where the light falls

and the beautiful stays,
when the stars settle in,
come with me.”

"I never really understood the plot of this movie." Luce pointed out, breaking the silence as Percy Jackson And The Lightning Thief played on the tv--the tv that we had managed to drag in front of the couch so we could actually watch it.

I curled up on the couch and held onto the duvet over me. I was barely paying any attention to the movie. I wasn't even feeling tired at this point.

"You should read the books," I murmured. "They're way better than the movies."

She hummed in response but didn't really say that she'd read them. Knowing her, she probably wouldn't. Luce wasn't the one to read books. I was the one who used to inhale them on a regular basis.

"Popcorn?" Luce asked, passing me the bowl. I picked up a few and tried shrinking further back into the couch.

"Can we watch something else?" I asked her quietly.

"Rerun of Supernatural?" She asked and I shrugged.

Luce stopped the current one and clicked out of it. The next few moments went by in total silence, except for the TV, and I felt my eyelids drooping. Every time my eyes fell shut, I could perfectly picture (and feel) Alastair's warm lips, and each time I opened my eyes with a small jerk just to get that thought out of my head.

I didn't want to think about it, but at the same time I wanted so badly to think about it. It had felt so good. It had felt amazing. And that scared me a little. Not because I was in denial of my feelings, but because I knew it as a matter of fact that it wasn't supposed to feel this good. 

That just happened in stories and books and movies. Such emotions never appeared in real life, I knew that.

I shook myself out of it and focused back on the show playing in front of me. Luce was indulged in it. I wanted to feel distracted too.

"Have you ever liked someone, Luce?" I found myself asking.

She glanced at me before looking back at the TV screen. 

"What do you mean?"

"Have you ever...liked being around someone?" I rephrased my question, not really sure where I was getting this courage from. I didn't like expressing my feelings, but this was making me feel unsettled more than usual, and I needed an answer.

"Yeah?" She sounded confused. "I mean, I like being around you. Mom too. Mase is nice too, but you know I've never really been close with the others."

I merely hummed in response, staring down at my lap.

She continued giving me a confused stare until it dawned upon her that I wasn't meaning the question in that way. "Oh, you mean like-?"

I shifted a little uneasily.

She let out a small chuckle. "Are you crushing on someone? Who is it?"

My throat constricted a little and my face heated up in embarrassment.

She seemed to realize just as quickly and took back her words. "Right, my bad. Well yeah, I've had my fair share of crushes too...but I don't think I like anyone in that way. You know how busy I am always anyway. I don't think I've got time for any sort of relationship. At least not right now."

I looked up at her. "Does it scare you?"

"Why would it scare me?"

"You know, because..." Why would anyone like me?

She crossed her legs and faced me, the TV show still playing on the screen. None of us were really paying attention to it--which just proved this all to be more serious than I had thought because never in my life had I ever missed out on Supernatural

"Everyone gets such doubts, Lia," Luce said. "That doesn't mean you stop yourself from being happy."

I couldn't help but frown at her. "But I wouldn't be happy."

"Why would you say that?" She asked, placing her elbow on the back of the couch beside her and propping her chin on it.

"I don't know." I knew, though. I just didn't know how to frame it into words.

She gave me a reassuring smile and squeezed my shoulder. 

"You like someone," she said.

I didn't know if I liked Alastair, but I did like the way he made me feel when he had kissed me. It was something deep inside me, something so warm and happy. He made me feel that way.

"Is there something stopping you from believing in that?" She seemed curious now.

I glanced over at the pale white walls.

"I think." I stopped before forcing the words out of my mouth. "If I accept it, it won't last long. I think that's what I'm afraid of."

******

The next day when I went to the hospital for my routine shift, I found that Alastair was discharged already. I wasn't really looking forward to a goodbye, but it still made me sad that he'd left and I hadn't gotten the chance to see him one last time. Not that he had a choice in that matter, I guess.

But would he have wanted to see me if he had the choice?

Things went on the same. I got busy with my shifts, helping out as much as I could have. Luce usually accompanied me most of the time, and if not Luce then I had some other staff member with me. It all started going back to normal. I busied myself with taking care of people.

But after the next three days, I started growing a bit restless. Nothing went out of the blue. I went to the hospital each day and night, came back just like that. Life remained normal. What bothered me was that Alastair hadn't yet called me. He'd said he would contact me. He hadn't told me when, but he'd said that he would.

Why hadn't I heard from him then?

Almost a week passed by. Each night, I found myself wondering why he hadn't called me yet, staring up at the plain ceiling above my bed, hoping that my phone would buzz with an unknown number. 

It didn't though. I started despising myself for expecting so much every passing day.

Another week passed by and I concluded that he probably didn't want to be reminded of his time at the sanitarium. He must've been moving on. Or maybe he forgot to add in my number. Maybe he washed his hand or something before he could've copied down the string of numbers. I didn't have his number so there wasn't any hope really.

I started dismissing thoughts regarding him whenever they passed through my head, which always seemed to be easier said than done. I had a few days left before my volunteering program came to an end at the Oak Valley Sanitarium. I'd miss working there--there wasn't a doubt about it--and I wanted to make the most of it in those remaining few days.

I still kept to myself most of the time. But I made many friends amongst the staff. Everyone was nice and caring, just like Luce had told me. Even though I had a whole month left to go back to my hometown, I still found myself hoping that this month could stretch out a bit longer.

That evening, I willingly went to the grocery store, accompanied with Rowan (because Luce apparently thought I'd get lost again), to pick up some things for dinner. Also, Luce's cereal boxes were emptying out pretty fast. Not me, obviously. Luce practically inhaled them whenever she got back from the hospital, tired and stressed out of her big head. I didn't really get her addiction to Fruit Loops.

"Tell me why people like eating fruity cereal when they can eat this instead?" I asked, pulling out the box of my favorite chocolate cereal and waving it in front of Rowan's face.

He looked up from his phone and gave me a confused look. "Because people like Fruit Loops? I don't know."

"But why?" I added it in the cart because I was hungry too. I needed loads of snacks to go through this weekend, even if that meant (what an unfortunate thought) fucking Fruit Loops.

"Why do you like these?" He jerked his head towards the large chocolate cereal box that I had just stuffed in the cart.

"Because they're amazing?"

"Maybe that's what the others think too when picking up a box of Fruit Loops." He pointed out with a smug smile.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "That is pretty wise."

He gave me a smirk this time. "I'm the wiser one, obviously."

I playfully shoved him and continued down the aisle before we reached the fruits and vegetables one.

A whole hour went by like that. We somehow ended up at the cash register and waited as the guy behind the counter slowly started to check out our stuff. It started paining me halfway at how slow he really was.

I packed in all the bags inside Rowan's car once we were finally done and got inside. Rowan started driving as I turned on the radio, opening the bag of newly bought crisps on my lap. I was starving

"Want some?" I waved the bag towards him just as he scrunched up his nose.

"No, thanks. Your choice of flavors is hideous," he replied.

"No, it's not," I said defensively and munched on some. "Your choice of songs is hideous."

Our bickering went on for half of the ride. I was still munching on my crisps, enjoying my life, listening to some 5SOS song on Rowan's oldest playlist (as he put it) when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I didn't pay much attention to it since I was halfway assured that it must've been Luce.

"Barbeque flavored crisps are not hideous. Have you ever tried them?" I asked him.

"Yes, and I threw up right after," he replied.

I laughed and scrunched up the empty bag of crisps. "Weirdo."

He said something right after but I found myself wondering why it was just one buzz that I'd felt in my pocket. If it had been Luce, she wouldn't just stop at one text. She pestered me until I replied. Which either meant it was Mum, or Steph, or--

I fished out my phone and switched it open in just a heartbeat. When I saw the unknown number on it, I could swear that my heart nearly lurched out of my chest. 

I probably would've waited before opening that text if it had happened a week ago, or maybe the week before that. But it had been two whole weeks since I last saw Alastair and I really really hoped it was him.

I clicked on the text and held my breath.

Unknown: can you meet me at the dutch street? -Alastair

It was just that. No hello or even a how are you. But then again, I think it would've been awkward if he had started with that.

I quickly typed a reply,

Me: hey, sure. Right now?

I couldn't help but grimace a little when I looked down at my text. He waited for two whole weeks before texting me once and I waited not even five minutes before replying. I sounded so desperate. And wasn't I really?

I was a little surprised, and a whole lot relieved, when he replied just as quickly.

Unknown: yes.

And then another popped up just a few seconds later,

Unknown: if you can.

My heart had started racing already. I didn't know why he wanted me there. I wanted to ask him, but did that even matter? At least he'd texted me. At least he wanted me there. 

Me: okay. I'll be there in a few mins.

And then I found myself wondering where this Dutch Street even was. I knew no street names whatsoever. I didn't even remember the exact street names of my own hometown.

I looked down at our short conversation and noticed that Alastair was typing again.

Unknown: it's right behind the great library.

I had this faint and confused smile on my lips when I asked Rowan to stop the car and drop me by the road. The library wasn't that far from here and I knew I could make my way around it on my own. Besides, I don't think Alastair would want any more company than he'd asked for. Would he?

Rowan had seemed unsure at first, but he shrugged it off along with my thanks (in advance) for taking the grocery bags up to Luce's apartment. He drove off after giving me one last glance and I found myself watching his car disappear amongst the traffic.

I cautiously pulled my hoodie sleeves over my fingers and started walking towards the library. As I neared closer, I could practically feel the anxiousness starting to eat me up from the inside. I stopped walking when I reached the library and wondered if Mrs. Hutchins was in there. I could go inside the library instead of meeting up with Alastair. I certainly did not owe him.

I didn't.

But I did tell him I'd be there in a few minutes.

That's why I found myself turning around the corner of the building and walking down the only small, narrow alleyway. It was a typical old alley. I was glad it was still evening and the sky hadn't gone dark, not yet. I didn't even want to know the type of things that went up in such alleyways during nighttime.

I was walking and walking until the small alley opened up into a street, which for some reason was mostly empty. It had various shops on the other side. Few people walked by, some of them sparing me a few glances, and I just stood there, not sure where to go. 

It was quieter here than most of the busy streets in this town.

I looked around, trying to spot Alastair's familiar face, when I felt warm fingers loosely wrapping around my wrist. I turned around abruptly, my eyes going wide, before I was pulled into some other empty alley.

"It's just me." I heard before I looked up. It was Alastair.

I released the breath I was holding and mentally told myself to calm down.

"Hey, um..." My eyes trailed down to his hand which was still enclosed around my wrist. I felt myself growing conscious, a lot more conscious than normal. Though a small part of me breathed out a sigh of relief when I realised that he was holding my wrist over my hoodie sleeve.

He looked down too before slowly letting go of my wrist. I pulled it back against me and crossed my arms, mainly because I didn't know what else to do with my hands.

"How's...everything going?" I asked him when the silence seemed to stretch on.

Now that I was looking closely, I noticed that he looked better and worse at the same time. Exhausted. There were dark shadows under his eyes that told me he hadn't been getting much sleep lately. 

He dragged a hand through his ink-black hair and leaned into the concrete wall behind him. I copied his actions and leaned against the opposite wall. There wasn't much space between the two anyway. It was a narrow alley.

"Fine." He murmured, but then I noticed the frown and I realised that he was probably lying.

"Really?" I stuffed my hands in my hoodie pockets. "I mean, that's good obviously. I'm glad you're doing better."

He was staring at me when I looked up and the frown was still there.

I opened my mouth to ask the obvious. Because now that I was here, with him in front of me, I really, really wanted to know. 

"Why didn't you call me before?" I asked, trying to hold back my inner turmoil. I really didn't want my head telling me how extremely clingy I sounded at that moment. "You know, I...waited a lot, but you didn't call me. Or text me. And obviously, you didn't have to. You don't owe me anything. It's just...it took you two whole weeks. You could've just--" 

I stopped when I realised it was just me blabbering now.

"Sorry." I whispered and looked down at my sneakers.

"I thought you wouldn't want me to." He finally said, sliding his own hands into the pockets of his black jeans.

I looked up at him, surprised. "What?"

There wasn't a frown anymore. His face held nothing, an expression that didn't really make it easy for me to figure out what he'd meant by those words.

"Why would I not want you to text me?"

His gaze flickered to my own, staring at me with this confusion as if it should've already been obvious.

"Because I kissed you. And you didn't seem so thrilled about it."

My eyes widened a little but I evaded my surprise with a light clear of my throat.

"It's...fine." I wasn't looking at him. I found it hard to look back at him, not when the sun's reflection made his eyes look like beautiful pools of silver. "So you must've called me here for a reason?"

He looked away too. And the way he clenched his jaw didn't go unnoticed by me. Was he angry that I had diverted the topic so quickly?

"I saw him again." He said, his voice tight with uncertainty. Or maybe it was anger.

"Him?"

He looked back at me and I was surprised to see the way his eyes seemed to look so torn between thousands of emotions. Conflicted. It took me a while to realise that he was finding it hard to frame his words.

"I...I need to tell you about him." That didn't answer my question, but it seemed like just saying that was taking every amount of self control within him.

"Okay. I'm listening."

"No, not here." He shook his head and I found his gaze travelling towards the almost empty street at the end of the alleyway. "Come on." He said and started walking away.

I started following him out of mere confusion, not wanting to be left behind. 

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

He didn't bother sparing me a single glance from over his shoulder. And to catch up with his long strides was a giant pain in the ass.

"Somewhere quiet."

"But it was quiet there." I panted. I complained a lot, no surprises there. "That spot was actually quieter than--" 

I stopped with my face just inches away from his back when he stopped. Then I sidestepped him and looked up at where he was looking.

It was the library's back entrance.

"Oh," I murmured. A library made sense.

"Do you think it'll be less occupied right now?" He seemed anxious. Seeing him like that made me feel anxious.

"Yeah, I think it's only busy around noon. It shouldn't be right now."

He nodded and started walking again. I followed him until we were inside the library, behind a tall shelf, where I think I'd first met Rowan. It was a tad bit creepy that Alastair chose to sit down right beside the old pair of leather bound books where Rowan had apparently found that page of those music notes. I decided not to point that out.

Instead, I sat down beside him, crossing my legs and facing him. Then I quickly fished out my phone and texted Luce that I'll be back home in a bit.

By the time I had switched off my phone, I noticed that Alastair seemed even more distracted and fidgety than he'd looked a moment ago. He hadn't started talking yet and I had a feeling he was dreading to tell me whatever this was all about.

I sighed. 

"You know what this library reminds me of?" I spoke up, training my gaze towards the tall book shelf in front of us. "It reminds me of that one time when I got trapped in the local library back in my hometown." 

I felt his stare on me and realized that I had his attention. 

"The librarian apparently didn't see me and locked me in. I was reading this really good book and I fell asleep. And when I woke up the next morning, my parents were throwing a bitch fit. Especially Mum." I laughed softly, remembering how scary she had looked when I got back home.

"Why didn't the librarian see you?" Alastair asked with a small, genuine frown. At least he wasn't

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