"and I was
never sure

I didn't ask Maria about Alastair. She didn't really say anything about him either. Mrs. Hutchins seemed happy that I made a new friend and Maria was pretty polite with her too.

I didn't quite understand why she was hanging out with me when she could've hung out with her friends (I'm pretty sure she had friends), but she accompanied me and seemed genuine so I tried not to ponder over it.

"Hey. Will you be coming home for dinner?" I asked Luce on the phone as I stood in one quiet corner, a bit away from the bustling crowd.

There was a loud shuffle on her end. "Oh no, I don't think so, Lia. There's a lot of work I need to do here and there's--" I waited for her to continue but she quietened down. "I'll try but I can't be so sure."

"Why? Did something happen?"

"Mrs. Hawthorne came back again." It was a small whisper this time. I realized that she must be around some other staff members. Not Jim, I told myself, or I would've heard him over the phone with how loud he talked. "We're trying but...things are just burdening up."

I wrapped my free arm around myself and leaned back against the tree bark. "Is he not getting any better?"

Luce hummed a little before letting out a tired, breathy laugh. "I've been stressed, Lia. It was never like this. I always knew how to help people. It's just...it seems like he just doesn't want any help."

I couldn't help but feel bad for her, especially when she sounded like that.

She sighed heavily. "It's fine, though. I'm not giving up. But I'm sorry for ditching all of our plans. I promise I'll make it up to you."

When she ended the call, I stayed leaning against the tree for a while, replaying her words in my head.

It seems like he just doesn't want any help.

What if he did, but just didn't know how to ask for it?

°°°°°

"Will this be fine?" Rowan asked me, referring to the old silver device in his hands. "I couldn't find an iPod or anything like that."

I looked down at the object in awe. "Is that a walkman?"

He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's old but I think it still works. I've changed the batteries and I've added in some songs like you asked me to."

Once he had handed me the silver Walkman, I slid it into my hoodie pocket and looked at him with gratitude. "Thank you so much, Rowan. You're the best."

He gave me a smile. "No problem."

"Also, do tell Vera that Luce and I are sorry and will be there for dinner tomorrow night."

Not tonight, sadly. I hoped Luce wouldn't be too busy tomorrow.

It was almost nighttime as I exited Luce's apartment to catch a cab. Since I was very much familiar with where the hospital was, it took the cab a few minutes to pull up in front of it. I'd taken two whole days off my shift, which surprisingly, nobody seemed to care about. Maybe they really didn't care how efficient the volunteers were, or maybe Luce had been right; more volunteers had rolled in.

As I entered the hospital, things were absolutely the same. The staff at the reception area paid me absolutely no attention after asking for my ID. I tried searching around for Luce. It was almost closing time and most of the patients were asleep. Every hallway was quiet and there was something calm and haunting, both, about that.

As I stepped out of the elevator, heading for psych unit 200, I stopped midway when I noticed that the hallway wasn't really empty.

Stuffing my hands in my hoodie pockets, I slowly walked forward, my eyes curiously darting across a few of the staff members standing outside a particular room. And then my eyes widened a little when I realized it was Alastair's room. Room 221.

Something was wrong.

"What are you doing here, Lia?"

My breath hitched a little in surprise before I looked over at Jim, who was looking at me with raised brows. His usual grin helped slow down my racing heartbeat, because it wouldn't be too serious if he was grinning.

"What's happening here?" I asked him instead of answering, nudging my chin slightly towards the specific room. The door was closed, even the shutters were pulled down.

He shrugged in response. I noticed the exhausted look on his face as he made a move to shrug off his coat. "Are you here to see Lucy? I think she's kinda busy in there, you might've to wait."

"Why?"

He looked a bit uneasy, almost unsure. I had never really seen him like that ever since I started volunteering--which hadn't been for too long, but still.

"His usual episodes. But it's under control now," he said. "I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee. Do you want one?"

I said yes even though I hated coffee.

Once he left, the hallway seemed to go a little quieter and I sat down on one of the waiting chairs.

Episodes. Usual episodes. What had Jim been talking about?

Half an hour passed by as I sat there. At one point, Jim came by to give me my cup of coffee. He accompanied me for a while before some other staff member asked him to come up to the office to file some paperwork. He invited me to come with him but I told him that I'd just stay here and wait for Luce.

It felt much better to sit here and wait.

I lost track of time as I waited there, not really on my phone, but lost in my thoughts. Most of the staff left and I was left alone in the quiet and empty hallway. I felt tired but not so much to actually fall asleep. There was a thing about hospitals that made me feel uneasy, and I felt a bit too uneasy right now.

"Lia?"

I looked up and saw Luce. Then I stood up just as quickly, which was a mistake since both of my feet had gone numb by then.

"What are you doing here?" She asked me with a small frown, glancing down at her wristwatch. "I thought you weren't coming in tonight. Are you all right?"

I licked my lips when I felt my mouth going dry. "Yeah. I'm fine. I just came here..." My eyes cautiously trailed towards Alastair's room. "What happened?"

"To whom?" She asked.

"Alastair."

The confusion left her face. "Are you here to see him?"

I slid my hands in my hoodie pockets and trailed my fingertips over the surface of the Walkman. "I just wanted to give him something. I think it might help him."

"What is it?" She asked, rubbing her eyes.

I hesitated a little before taking out the Walkman.

"A Walkman?"

I nodded.

"When did you get one?"

I just shrugged in response.

She blew out a long sigh and nodded. "Okay. Go ahead. Don't leave this in there, though. And keep a watch when you take this thing in there. I'll give you a few minutes."

I didn't think it would be so easy. "Is he still not sleeping?" I asked her quietly.

She shook her head. "He just needs time."

When Luce left the hallway, the sound of her footsteps slowly fading, I quietly opened the door and walked inside. The room was absolutely the same. The same bare walls, the same empty room, even Alastair looked the same. At least until I stepped forward and noticed his extremely disheveled state.

He looked pretty much done with his life.

"Please leave."

It took me a moment, a long moment, to accept the fact that he'd been talking. To me. It surprisingly hadn't even taken me a few words this time to get him to notice my presence.

"What?" I asked, startled.

His eyebrows furrowed in what I assume was irritation and I noticed the way his hair was messed up in complete disarray. "Can't I get a few goddamn minutes alone to myself?"

My mouth slightly parted in surprise and when I realized that I had it open for too long, I closed it shut. "I'm sorry, I just--"

"Just fucking leave."

My eyes widened this time and I felt my heart picking its pace.

Why did I keep coming back here only to get embarrassed and kicked out?

Maybe Luce should've stopped me. Or maybe I should've stopped myself before coming in here again. How stupid.

I took a step back before turning around. I was actually really heading for the door to leave and probably never come back when Luce's words replayed in my head.

He just doesn't want any help.

He needed help. Everyone needed some help once in a while.

All I needed to do was swallow the little ounce of dignity left within me and offer him that help. What's the worst that could happen? He'd probably shout at me this time. Not really that worse, huh? It's not like I never had people shouting at me before.

I turned around once again and inwardly cursed at myself before walking near his bed. He didn't even bother looking at me, threading his fingers in his hair, almost gripping onto them as his head hung low. He looked miserable.

I sat down on the empty armchair beside his bed, slid my hand inside my pocket and took out the Walkman with the earphones.

"Why aren't you leaving?" He didn't even sound angry or irritated anymore. It sounded more like a plea laced with that soft lilt of an accent. I felt my heart racing a little more at that.

I rotated the Walkman in my hand, not sure how to speak up.

"I got this for you." I finally said, and the silence after that almost made me grit my teeth.

His brows were still furrowed into a frown as he slowly eyed the Walkman in my hand. "What's that?"

"A Walkman."

He looked up at me with those grey eyes and I had to ignore the sudden urge to shrink away from it. From the sheer intensity.

This time he spoke up much slower, almost as if confused. "What does it do?"

"Oh." I whispered. "It...plays music."

His frown disappeared and I genuinely hated the way he could stare at someone for so long. I could never stare at anyone for that long.

"I don't understand," he said and I realized that he genuinely sounded confused this time. Did he really not know what a Walkman was? I mentally shrugged. I suppose a lot of people didn't.

I held out the Walkman towards him and plugged in the headset. "It's really just like an iPod. But much bigger." I told him after gathering up the courage within me. "Here, put these on."

When I handed him the earphones, his eyes darted from the Walkman to my face. It seemed like he couldn't really decide what to do first: throw me out of this room, or toss aside the Walkman first.

But then he took the headset and I breathed out a quiet sigh of relief.

"Here's where you start it from." I pointed over at the Walkman and his eyes carefully followed wherever I pointed. "And here is where you can stop the music from. This is the forward one and this one is how you go back the tracklist."

Once I was done instructing, I waited for him to put on the earphones but he just looked back at me. I couldn't help and notice the way his eyes seemed so incredibly open, raw and honest, empty and miserable, just like his whole state right now. And that surprised me. How could someone show so many emotions through their eyes alone?

Eyes are the gateways to your soul. Mum bought me a sweater that said that.

"Why am I supposed to listen to this?" He asked, almost demanded, and I wanted to roll my eyes.

Instead, I shrank back in the armchair and pulled up my legs before crossing them. Then I pulled my hood up too because his stare was getting unnerving.

"It'll help you sleep," I said, taking out my phone. "Why else would I be here?"

I didn't really see his reaction to that or watch him for the next few minutes, just so that he'd get over it and actually try it out. I had a feeling that he liked music and this might put him to sleep, a peaceful one judging by the episodes Jim was talking about.

I just, I thought, wanted to help.

After a few minutes of scrolling randomly on my phone, I couldn't help but feel glad when I glanced up at him. He was leaning back against the headboard and his eyes were closed. Wisps of midnight-black hair were falling over his forehead, almost over his eyes, but he didn't seem so miserable anymore.

He looked at peace.

I didn't really know if he was sleeping, but this much was fine. It made me happy to know that I could've been of some help. I, once again, settled back in my chair and waited for Luce to come back, probably to tell me that it was time to leave.

It felt peaceful.

I too closed my eyes, feeling the tension and sadness disappearing into thin air.

It felt nice.