"one day

I was a whole lot jittery when I reached Nora's house. And not because I was nervous to see my friends all together, but because I had been feeling like that ever since Mum confronted me back in the kitchen.

Mum knew. She knew bits of what had happened back in Oak Valley, I was sure of that. But did she know about Alastair? Would I be okay if she knew about him? Was I even okay with the fact that Mum knew something was up with me? I wasn't hiding it properly. I was failing to pretend anymore.

When I rang the doorbell, Emma--Nora's little sister--opened the door. She seemed rather ecstatic to see me.

"Lia!" Emma exclaimed with a huge smile, wrapping her arms around my waist. She was too cheerful for a nine-year-old.

"Hey, Em." I managed a smile, even though I think I was shaking a little. Probably the cold. "How're you doing?"

"I'm good." She replied and stepped away from me. "Did Mason not come with you?"

That, I realised, was why she had seemed so excited to see me. She and Mason, well, kids these days. Not giving a fuck about the grown-ups.

"He's back at home watching SpongeBob," I told her as I entered the familiar house, closing the front door behind me.

"Which episode?" Emma asked with wide, curious eyes. She shared the same brown curls with Nora, and on her baby face, they looked a little too adorable. Or maybe that was just because I had a soft spot for nine-year-olds.

"How would I know, Em? I hate SpongeBob, remember?"

She giggled and grabbed my hand before pulling me towards the familiar lounge. I noticed she was in her pink barbie pyjamas; the ones that, as I had learned, were her absolute favourite.

I'd like to say Nora's house had changed after all those years when we never really stayed in contact, but it hadn't. This house was still the same. And I was glad about that. At least something remained the same.

"Mommy, Lia is here!" Emma shouted and Pam, Nora's Mum, stepped out from the other hallway, passing me a warm smile when she saw me.

"Hey, sweetie." She said that to me, then looked over at Emma who was still, might I add, gripping my hand. "Emma, stop pestering the poor child. Lia, honey, go ahead. Everyone else is up in Nora's room."

"Why can't I join in on the sleepover?" Emma pouted. It strangely reminded me of Mason. These kids and their pouts, I swear to God. "Lia, can I join your sleepover?"

I looked over at Pam helplessly.

"Emma, stop bothering her."

"But why not?" Emma exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes despite the fond smile on my lips. "It's fine. You can join us, Em." Pulling her along, I started heading upstairs. Emma happily followed, bouncing on each step. "You're such a stubborn nine year old."

"No, I'm not." She giggled again, tugging at my hand.

As we neared closer to Nora's bedroom, Emma started bubbling with questions. "What do you do at your sleepovers?" She asked me curiously. "Do you watch movies? Are you gonna watch Frozen or Frozen 2?"

I looked at her. "Which one do you think we should watch?"

"None. They both are boring." She shook her head, widening her eyes dramatically. This kid was way too dramatic for her own good. "We should watch Rapunzel."

"Sure." I laughed. It was relieving to let go of the faint paranoia within me. It was relieving to not feel so trapped anymore. I guess Emma was to thank for that.

When we reached Nora's room, her door was closed shut. I knocked briefly before making my way in with Emma right behind me.

"Lia, finally!" It was Steph who exclaimed. "We thought you weren't coming."

I smiled apologetically at all three of my friends. Steph and Nora were sitting on her bed. Tara was sprawled on the black beanbag.

"Sorry, guys," I murmured.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Nora asked, glaring at her little sister. Those two didn't go along as well as Mason and I did. I guess that had something to do with Nora and her inability to be nice around kids.

"Lia invited me to the sleepover!"

"Like hell she did." Nora passed me a look. "Fuck off, Emma."

I heard Tara sniggering at that.

"Dude, don't swear in front of your little sister." Steph frowned. She might've been the only one out of all of us, excluding Emma, who actually despised swearing. I never asked her why.

"No, you fuck off, Nora," Emma spoke up loudly. I grimaced.

Turning towards Emma, I gently pried her fingers off my hand. "Hey Em, no swearing. You don't repeat such words." I told her. She nodded with another one of her pouts. "How about you go bring some pillows from your room. We'll make a pillow fort."

That was enough for her to run out of the room eagerly.

"Why don't you just adopt her?" Nora asked me when I joined them on her bed, shrugging off my coat. "You'd be doing me a favour, Lia."

"What's the coat for?" Tara asked quizzically. "It's not even that cold outside."

Oh.

"I...felt cold." I hesitated. Not the cold, I thought. I just felt too paranoid at night.

Thankfully, they didn't pay much attention to it and soon we were all crowded on Nora's bed with a big whiteboard resting against the headboard. Steph was writing down stuff on it as we talked.

"Any ideas?" Steph asked, looking at all three of us.

Somewhere in between, Emma had come back and Nora had to put Tangled on her mini TV so that Emma wouldn't interrupt us.

"Not really." Tara shrugged. "I don't know what goes around in such festivals."

I nodded because I agreed. Besides, I had too much on my mind to think about decent ideas.

"We can do one of those things with the stuffed bears," Nora suggested. "You know, throw hoops and win a bear!" She had her hair flowing down her shoulders, snuggled up halfway against her cushions and halfway leaning on my side. I was a little tempted to shove her off of me.

"We can." Steph nodded and noted it down on the board.

"Oh, oh, oh!" Tara rushed out in what looked like excitement. "How about a kissing booth?"

I nearly grimaced at that, ready to say a big fat no. Even Steph seemed a little, well, unsure.

"A kissing booth," Steph repeated in a murmur.

Nora laughed at that. "God, Tara, I sometimes forget how bad you like sucking people's faces." And I grimaced again (for real this time). Nora and Tara barely went along, but when they did, it was all uncomfortable talk.

"Why do you all have to be so graphic?"

Tara ignored me and passed Nora a knowing smirk. "I guess that's something we have in common."

"True." Nora laughed again. "Anyways, I think kissing booth's a good option."

"I don't want to kiss random strangers." I frowned at all three of them. "That's like...disgusting, guys." I even shuddered at that, for further emphasis.

Both Nora and Tara laughed this time.

Steph, however, seemed a little lost in her thoughts. When she did break out of it, she started nodding. "No, I think kissing booth's a brilliant idea. I feel like that type of stuff attracts more people."

I could not believe she was actually saying that. Was this how peer pressure felt like? "God, No." I shook my head. "I'm not doing this."

"It would just be a peck on the lips, Lia." Tara rolled her eyes. I could see how excited she was at the prospect of it. I should've been surprised, but this was Tara we were talking about. "Not a full-on makeout, geez. Besides, all four of us are hot chicks. We're gonna raise so many funds for those art kids."

I shuddered again. The picture I was getting in my head by just thinking about it all troubled me more than anything.

"Nope."

"Lia." Tara stretched out my name as I saw Steph scribbling something else on the board. "It's not like you'd be cheating on your boyfriend or something. You don't even have a boyfriend or a crush for that matter."

I tried not to let my expression waver at her words, I really tried. But I still felt myself tensing up a little. I still felt that constant twist in my stomach, the one I got whenever I started overthinking these days.

No. No. No.

"I know." I forced it out. "But...still."

"Lia doesn't have to kiss someone if she doesn't want to," Nora said, leaning a little further against me. She must've felt me tense up. "Lia can be the one outside our booth to collect the tickets. Steph can ask a few more people to volunteer with us. I'm pretty sure I know a few girls myself who'd love to help us out in the booth."

I blinked in surprise, glancing at Nora. She wasn't looking at me, and I was glad that she wasn't. It felt like I'd start tearing up right then, that easily, which was just so pathetic. I didn't know how to get used to these sudden rush of emotions.

Steph agreed, though. Tara too, after a little more persuading. And I didn't know I was holding my breath until I finally exhaled.

"Thanks." I later told Nora as we picked up the two huge bowls of popcorn, making our way out of the empty kitchen and back towards Nora's bedroom.

"For what?" She seemed confused.

I shook my head and avoided her gaze. "Just thanks. That's all."

We watched a movie after that. A horror one, despite Steph and Tara freaking out about it multiple times in between. It was a great distraction though. I couldn't even remember the last time I had watched a movie with my friends like this. Watched a movie and enjoyed it at the same time. I found myself getting lost in it, all until it was way past midnight and I felt too exhausted to keep my eyes open anymore.

Finally, the credits rolled.

"I'm gonna fall asleep on this beanbag if I stay here one second longer," Steph murmured, sounding as tired as I felt.

"Night, bitches." That was Tara before she plopped down on her mattress, the one that was situated at the far corner of Nora's big room--bigger than my own (but hey, wanting a room up in the attic had been my own choice).

Somehow, Steph found her way towards her pull-out mattress too, falling asleep almost immediately. As I laid down on my own mattress, besides Nora's bed, Nora peeked down at me from one corner.

"Hey. You know, you can take the bed and I can take the mattress." She whispered, the tips of her long brown hair almost touching my cheeks.

"Why?" I passed her a frown.

"I don't know." She shrugged. "It usually seems like you don't get much sleep."

That was a little too nice of her. Despite getting a whole year to get used to her friendliness again, I still found it hard sometimes.

Trying to get the tension off my stiff shoulders, I rolled them. "I'm fine, Nora. Go to sleep. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fall asleep any second now."

Which was the truth actually. I fell asleep just a few seconds later.

I don't know how long though. I don't know how long I slept. Probably two hours or less--at least that's how it had gone every previous night. But I guess I misjudged the whole situation. I thought if I was out of my house, sleeping in someone else's room, I wouldn't have the recurring nightmare I had been having for more than a week now. I thought things might be different now that I wasn't lying down on my own bed.

I clearly underestimated how toxic my thoughts could be.

The nightmare, I had it again.

And it was so deeply ingrained in my head that I literally could've felt the horror of it, the fear slipping into me even when I was deep into sleep. It was horrifying, that feeling. That feeling of hopelessness. That feeling of letting go of one thing that I had never meant to let go of.

I saw his beautiful, grey eyes again. They seemed to take my breath away, like every other time. I saw him. I saw my Alastair. And then he was dead. And I had his blood on my hands, under my nails, on my clothes, all around me. And I was crying--sobbing--because I wanted to rub it off. I wanted to rub off the blood and the dreadful feeling that was clawing up my stomach.

But then it all vanished into complete darkness.

I woke up when I felt someone shaking my shoulders and nearly bumped my forehead onto Nora's when I sat up with a jerk. There was a faint ache in my knuckles. I realised I was gripping the duvet a little too tightly, so I let it go.

"Lia." It was Nora, staring at me with wide eyes.

Oh God.

"What..." I trailed off, noticing how dry my throat felt. I was slowly, painfully growing aware of the tears too, and how cold my cheeks felt. "I'm sorry, I didn't--"

"Outside," Nora whispered, cutting me off, and she still seemed so surprised as she got up from her bed, looking all groggy and exhausted, before gripping my arm and pulling me out of her room. I figured she did that because she didn't want Tara and Steph to wake up too.

We kept on walking and walking and I nearly stumbled twice until we reached the dark empty hallway that led to the kitchen.

I think I was shaking a little. Not a little, I realised, as I sat down on one of the dining chairs and Nora handed me a cup of water. I could see the ripples in the water as I clutched onto it. I was making it tremble.

"Lia," Nora started but I cut her off, shaking my head.

It was pretty obvious that I wouldn't be able to get out of this without giving her some sort of reasonable explanation this time.

"Are you all right?" She asked me in a whisper. I could see the exhaustion on her face. I hated that I had woken her up from her sleep. Or maybe she hadn't fallen asleep yet. Maybe she was awake when I had started crying in my sleep. I couldn't decide which was worse.

"Yeah." I managed a croaky answer, then chugged down the whole glass of water. My throat felt parched. I hated this so much.

"Do you..." She trailed off, rubbing her eyes with her fingertips, still frowning. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

That nightmare was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

"No. No. It's fine." I shook my head again, willing myself to inhale and exhale deeply. Not too fast. Not too slow. It took me a while every time this happened, to get back into my head, to get that dreadful picture out of my head. It always took me a while to breathe back to life. Because yes, it did feel like I was dying; that horrifying feeling whenever I had this nightmare.

It wasn't fair. This wasn't fair.

It wasn't supposed to go this way. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to wake up every middle of the night because of those constant, reoccurring dreams about him. About Alastair.

"What?" Nora spoke up, looking more than just wary this time.

I swallowed. "What?"

"You just...you said Alastair." She said and her frown softened a little. "Lia, is this about him?"

I was shaking my head again. I don't know why I wasn't telling her. Maybe because if I said it out loud, every single thing about this would get real. I didn't want it to get real. If it got real, it'd get scary, and I would then fall into that deep, endless pit again. All over again. The scary one. Alastair wouldn't want that. I didn't want that.

How was I supposed to stop myself from falling?

"This wasn't a one-time thing, was it?" Nora asked slowly.

"No," I whispered, not looking at her. I couldn't make myself look at her. What would I see in her eyes? Worry? Pity? Sadness?

I heard her inhale deeply, slowly. "This isn't normal, Lia." She leaned towards me from across the table. "Maybe this is more serious than you are letting on."

"I'm sorry."

"God, don't apologise." She sounded frustrated, almost insulted. "Lia, you've got to tell me things like these. Things that bother you. Things that are falling out of your grasp."

I was silent. Both of us were silent after that.

"What good will that do?" I asked her in a small, tired whisper. There was this dreadful feeling bubbling in my chest. Not panic, but sadness. I felt so so sad.

"You won't have to go through it alone."

I shook my head. I could feel the stinging sensation in my eyes. I knew I was going to cry. This is what happened every single time.

"I don't want to go through it at all, Nora," I whispered, scrunching up my forehead. "I...miss him. And I just want him back." Pressing the heels of my palms against my eyes, I inhaled a shaky breath. But I was already crying. How much worse could it get?

"Lia." Nora sounded sad too. How could she be sad when she didn't know how I felt? How could she be sad when she didn't know how awfully empty I felt without my Alastair?

Why was it when I finally had something, something that meant so much to me, that it was taken away from me?

"It's okay, Lia," Nora murmured, pulling my hand into hers and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I...I know it won't get better. Not anytime soon. But I'm here for you, you know. Don't shut me out. Please."

I didn't try to stop the tears then. Because there wasn't anything else I could've done.

******

The next day at college went by the same. I got busy with my classes, head bent over my textbooks as I filled up my brain, lecture after lecture of science and equations and the most complicatedly named compounds.

That seemed to be one of the few normal things left in my life anymore. How extremely sad it was that I was looking forward to chemistry equations at this point. That, and my friends.

"What class have you got next?" Hailey asked; one of the few people who I talked to in my Psychology class. I wouldn't say we were close friends, but we talked sometimes. We talked like friends.

"Oh. I've got a free hour." I spoke up, clutching my books against my chest as we walked towards our lockers. "What about you?"

"Maths." She pouted, then smiled. "I'll see you around!"

And then she was gone. As I made my way towards my locker, I got a text from Steph asking me to come over to the auditorium to help her out with a minor crisis. Knowing her, it was probably the new designs she had sketched for this semester's theatre play. Steph was, in my opinion, the best person for that task, hence why every one of the theatre kids had voted her to be the props designer this year. Still, she doubted herself sometimes.

I typed a quick reply, telling her I'll be there in a few seconds.

I was wrong though. About the time, I mean. I realised that it would take me more than just a few seconds when I turned around from my locker, which was now closed shut, and watched Noah making his way from the end of the hallway.

Towards me.

It was probably the thousandth time I wished he didn't study here, the one college I went to. But we don't always get what we want, do we? This town wasn't big enough for more than two colleges. It wasn't like back in Oak Valley.

Oak Valley. Why was it that I always found myself thinking about that one place?

I hung my head low, pretending that I didn't see him, and started making my way towards the auditorium. I dashed actually. That, however, didn't stop Noah from catching up with