“you are

"Lia, are you even listening to me?" Luce asked.

I was most definitely listening, but not enough to remember what she'd been talking about a few seconds earlier. My head was elsewhere. More specifically, I was thinking about Alastair.

"Who's coming over?" I asked her before pushing away my freshly showered hair from my face. I was sprawled on the couch, the couch that I had come to adore a lot by now. It was warm and soft and engulfed me like a warm hug.

I heard Luce sighing and shaking her head disapprovingly at me. She seemed humored though as she took out various boxes of cereal from one of the cabinets. From the corner of my eye, I saw that they were Fruit Loops; Luce's favorite.

"Some of my college friends. I asked them to come over since it's been a little long the last I saw them. What do you think I should cook?" She asked me. She sounded excited.

I let out a hum and looked up at the plain white ceiling. "You should buy some glow-in-the-dark stars for my bedroom ceiling. I've got plenty of them in my room back in New York. Mum doesn't really like them, but they actually glow in the dark. Isn't that cool?"

"All right." Luce gave me a look.

"Is something wrong?" She asked after she had sat down near the kitchen counter, making herself a bowl of cereal. "You seem highly distracted."

I shrugged, still partially lost in my thoughts. "What's Camberley Prep Academy?"

"A college here." She spoke up after swallowing. Luce was one to care a lot about her table manners, even when she was eating a bowl of cereal, and even when there was no one else eating alongside her. "A private one too. Why? Are you looking for applying at colleges here?"

"Obviously not," I mumbled. I hated new places.

"Then?"

"I made a friend," I stated, then cringed when I realized how pathetic that sounded. People make friends all the time. And something even more pathetic? It was a lie. I was lying. "She studies there. She told me she'd love to give me a tour there or something."

I hadn't yet talked to Maria. I did have her number (we exchanged it back at the bake sale) but I still hadn't conjured up the nerves to call her. What would I even say? I didn't think she'd agree to the plan--the stupid plan, as I was coming to realize. Why did Alastair think Maria would help me sneak in?

I couldn't sneak into a private college, I thought. It was stupid to even think of doing it. Why the fuck would I do that?

Because of the journal Alastair mentioned, a voice spoke in my head. Alastair thinks it might help. And hadn't I told him that I'd help him?

"That's cool. It's nice that you're making friends here." Luce grinned.

"It's not cool." I grumbled under my breath, covering my face with both of my hands.

She chuckled in response. "So will you be here for the little party I'm arranging?"

"I don't know. I hope not." The idea of sneaking into a private college dormitory was stupid, but at least that way I wouldn't have to meet new people--Luce's amazingly intellectual college friends, for that matter. How fucking awkward would that be?

Luckily for me, it seemed like I had a perfect enough get-out-of-jail free card within my grasp. All I needed to do was gather up my nerves and phone Maria.

Couldn't be so hard.

A few hours later, I found myself calling Maria.

I figured if I didn't call her, I'd just keep on thinking about doing it, and if I kept on thinking about doing it, I'd only be just a little more on edge. It wasn't like I had anything better to do anyway. I didn't even have a shift at the hospital today. Sundays were off for me and Luce, both. Truth be told, I wasn't sure if I was relieved or a bit disappointed that I won't be seeing Alastair today.

"Hello?" It was Maria.

"Hey, Maria. How are you doing?" I initiated the conversation, glad that Luce was out doing some grocery shopping and I was all alone in the apartment.

Apart from the traffic noise, there was just silence on Maria's end, all until she spoke up, "Lia, hey, yeah I'm good. What about you? How's Al doing?"

"I'm good too. He's...good too."

"Why did you hesitate?"

I opened my mouth, staring stupidly at the wall in front of me, before deciding to come straight to the point. 

"Look, is there any way you could help me sneak into your college? Into Alastair's dorm?" Only when I'd said it out loud did I realize how much I hated saying. I hated even thinking about it. I didn't want to sneak into a boys' dormitory, for fuck's sake.

Maria went silent once again and I nearly grimaced.

"Uh...sure?" She sounded highly bewildered. "Even though I never really took you as the desperate type."

"What?" I asked weakly.

"I mean..." She trailed off. I think she was smiling. "You sound desperate. For. Um. Al's got the charm, I suppose, but sneaking into his dormitory? That sounds like--"

I pushed my face into the cushion near me and groaned out loud, so loud that whatever Maria said next went muffled for my ears.

"I'll pretend you didn't say any of that." I gritted my teeth. "Also, Alastair wants you to help me sneak into his dorm. Do you hear me?"

"Yeah." She murmured. "And why does he want that?"

"I need to get something for him," I told her, closing my eyes shut. Her words were now forever scarred in my head. "Can you help me?"

"Sure." She said it like it wasn't a big deal. "But there's one problem."

"What?"

"There's a party I need to be at tonight," She replied.

"And?"

"And if you need my help tonight, we might have to make a few stops along the way," she said. "Just one stop actually. The party."

I couldn't help but scrunch up my nose again. "Why?"

"Because Gwyn would be there."

I waited. And waited. But she didn't say anything more, almost as if that much was an explanation enough. I frowned. "Why does it matter if Gwyn is there?"

"Well...because I don't really have the card to Al's dorm room anymore."

"You don't?"

"Not really, no. They took it from me ever since...you know, Al's been gone. They won't let anyone go in there until Alastair comes back. If he ever comes back. Or else they'd just give the dorm to someone else, I think."

I pulled at the loose thread on my pajama bottoms. "Well then how do we get in?"

"They took the card from me, but I think Gwyn has one. Al gave it to her. You know, girlfriend privileges." She replied.

"Oh." I blinked, thinking back to the pretty ginger I'd seen in the hospital yard. "Right."

"So Gwyn's gonna be there at the party as well and I'd just need to steal it from her." Maria continued.

"Why can't you just ask her to give it to you?" I asked her, confused. I was confused. Why couldn't have Alastair just asked Maria or Gwyn herself to retrieve that journal for him? Did Gwyn even know about that journal? Did Maria?

Maria let out a bark of unamused laugh. "Are you kidding me? She's got issues, dude. She doesn't let go of things, things that are related to Alastair, so easily."

I pressed my back into the couch and pulled one of the cushions closer to myself. "Maybe that's just because she loves him?"

I wasn't really expecting Maria to snort in response. "She damn well knows that she shouldn't, Lia."

I frowned again.

"I've been friends with Alastair for years. Even if he thinks he can do love, he can't. Everyone knows that. Even Gwyn."

I fell silent at that.

"He's never really been serious with any girl, as far as I know. I don't know. He's never serious with anyone actually. Mostly he just...pulls all those guards up around everyone. Especially when his family's involved. It's only ever academics or extracurricular activities or that one time this stupid modeling agency went after him," she added in, then laughed softly. "That was a nice time. But...yeah. He can't do all that now, can he? Not when he's in that...hospital."

I sighed, sad and anxious and my heart strangely aching for him. For Alastair.

"So, are you up for crashing a college party?"

I hesitated. "I don't like socializing."

"Well, there's a first for everything, right?"

I couldn't believe how pathetically easy it was for her to convince me and tag along. It wasn't like I hated parties. I didn't. I just didn't prefer going to parties in a place where I absolutely knew no one. It made me feel edgy and anxious and a bundle of nerves.

That's exactly what was going in my head as I rummaged through Luce's closet, looking for something decent to wear to the party.

"Wow, Lia, some manners you have," Luce commented as she peeked inside her room, her hands full of grocery bags. I would've helped but I was in between an existential crisis.

I shouldn't go to that party, I told myself. It wasn't wise. I'd know nobody there except Maria. Also, why was I even trusting Maria at this point? What if she added something in my drink? Hell, why was I even thinking of drinking in the first place? I wasn't even 18 yet.

At one point I decided to ask Steph about it. She'd know how to handle this crisis of mine. But then I thought about how she'd probably be with Tara right now and Tara would seriously be of no help whatsoever.

"No, no, I can't go," I murmured to myself, my hands stopping at the closet doors. "So many strangers. I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" Luce asked as she came inside the room once again. This time she had no grocery bags with her.

I looked at her helplessly. "I...I need something to wear to this party."

"Oh." She frowned at me. "You're going to a party? I thought you were being taken for a tour around The Academy or something?"

"Yeah, well, change of plans."

"Why do you sound so anxious?"

I inhaled deeply and looked at her with wide eyes. "I don't know. I think I'm freaking out. I don't wanna go but I know I have to and I'm scared because there will be so many strange faces there and I'm just...freaking out, okay?"

Luce raised her brows. "Okay."

The misery didn't leave my face.

"Well, I think it's great that you're socializing more. What kind of party is this again?" She asked, narrowing her gaze ever so slightly.

I held a sparkly gold dress between my fingers. I never really expected Luce to have such a sense of fashion.

"A college party."

She hummed and started rummaging through her closet. When she pulled out a short red dress, a short-sleeved one, I could only give her a blank look in response.

"It's a bit too short on me, so it'll fit you perfectly. Also, I think red will look good on you," she said.

"I need something with long sleeves." I looked over at the dress. It was a pretty dress with a black laced neck. I liked it, but it wasn't for me.

"What? Why?" I didn't give her a reply. "Never mind. I've got another one in here somewhere, I think."

As she rummaged further into her closet, I stood by the wall and waited impatiently. After a few seconds, she pulled out a long-sleeved, dark green mini dress.

"Thanks, Luce." I gave her a relieved smile. "You're my savior."

She smiled back. "Before you leave, send me the address of the place. And no drinks, is that clear?"

"Why would I drink?" I scoffed. I didn't even like the thought of alcohol anywhere near my lips.

"And no mingling either. I mean, you're old enough and whatever, but I don't really want you going off with anyone, any guy, not when you're going to a new place."

I gave her a patronizing look of disbelief. "Do I look that desperate?"

She waved it off with a grin and told me that she better start with preparing for her own little get-together party. I left her to it and went over to my room, pulling out a decent pair of black leggings that I had thankfully stuffed into my suitcase at the very last moment.

Maria texted me that she'd pick me up from my apartment around eight, which was awfully wrong since she came by my apartment around ten. Till then, some of Luce's college friends had already made an appearance.

"You're having a party here?" Maria asked me quizzically when I opened the front door, trying to pull on Luce's ankle boots on my feet at the same time.

I noticed her black strap dress, hugging her curves in all the right places, which she had paired with a leather jacket. She looked pretty.

"I didn't expect you to know what fashion is." Was what she said to me.

I scoffed and headed outside, closing the front door behind me. "Thank you, Maria. You look amazing yourself."

She smiled and linked her arm with mine, dragging me outside. I tried not to act too surprised. "In my defense, I've only always seen you clad in boring hoodies. Who knew there was a hot chick buried deep inside?"

I passed her a funny look as we stepped past the apartment doors. "You sound drunk. Should I be concerned?"

"Of course not. But FYI, be careful 'cause I swing both ways."

I smiled and followed her as she let go of me and led me towards her car. A lot colder than last night and I was glad I'd pulled on my long black coat at the very last moment.

"So how bad is it going to be? The party, I mean." I asked her when I was seated inside her sleek, expensive-looking car. I was a bit jealous that she was the one driving it and not me.

"What do you mean?" She glanced at me before adjusting the rearview mirror. "Sorren's parties are like the fire parties throughout the whole college semester."

I leaned back and ran my hand through my hair. Not pulled up into a ponytail tonight--Luce had threatened me with vile things when I'd tried so--and now, I was once again thinking of my hair and how they had grown a bit past my shoulders. I had this nagging thought to get them cut again.

"Am I supposed to know who that is?"

I saw Maria grinning as she drove. "Actually, yes. He does these parties in that family mansion of his, all year long. Also, he doesn't invite people outside of college. Good thing you've got a pretty face, though. He'll let you in when he sees how hot you look in that dress."

A beat of silence passed by.

I bristled. "That makes me feel uncomfortable."

She kept on driving with that stupid smirk on her lips. "Welcome to Camberley Prep Academy, Lia."

The next few seconds went by in complete silence before I blurted out, "You're not serious, are you? I don't--"

She gave me a funny look. "Why? Got a boyfriend back at him?"

I looked out of the window uneasily. "No."

"Have you ever had sex before?"

"...no?"

"Kissed a boy?"

I looked at her incredulously. She laughed and nudged me. "Geez, calm down, I wasn't judging. Besides, you don't have to kiss someone if you don't want to. Not that anyone wouldn't want to kiss you when you direct those pretty dark eyes at them."

I nudged her back.

"Just saying." She grinned. "But hey, stick by my side, okay? These parties get wild within mere seconds. And the sexual atmosphere in there, don't even ask."

"You're making it sound like a horrifying place."

Maria just laughed in response.

If something bad happened tonight, I thought, I'd sure as heck be killing Alastair myself.

°°°°°

"Piss off, Sam." Maria shoved the blond guy away from me before linking her arm through mine. "This one's with me."

I groaned out loud as Maria dragged me out from that nauseatingly loud room. The entire house was loud and buzzing and packed up with so many people.

"This is bad," I concluded.

Maria glanced at me with a grin. "Not a place you'd plan your very first kiss at, huh?"

I passed her a really bad look, even though I was glad she'd pulled me away from that Sam guy. I wasn't going to thank her right then, though. Not when she was the one who'd dragged me into this godforsaken place.

"Can we leave now?" I pleaded. "Are you done? With...Gwyn, you know?"

It had almost been an hour since we'd come here. It had been decent when we'd just arrived here, and now--as I looked around--almost everyone was busy making out. Why were college parties always like this? I asked myself.

"Yeah, I got the card." Maria replied.

Once we made our way to the college grounds, I couldn't help but stare. The Academy was way bigger than my own college. Three tall Victorian buildings stood together in an arc, with huge oak trees surrounding them. It almost seemed an eerie place to be at under the glistening moonlight.

"Welcome to The Academy," Maria whispered for the second time tonight, placing a finger on her lips and gesturing at me to quietly follow her towards the nearest building. Judging from her cautious way of walking, it must've been the boys' dormitory.

"So what is it that Al wants you to steal?" She asked me in a hushed whisper as I followed her inside the tall building. It looked like a castle from outside, or at least like the castles in movies.

"It's not stealing if it's his own stuff." I murmured.

She scoffed. "Yeah, right. Do you know what might happen if someone saw us sneaking in here right now?"

I glanced at her anxiously.

"I'll get suspended, yes. But you'll probably be confiscated for the night." She told me over her shoulder.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked her in horror, stopping dead in my tracks.

She stopped too and turned around. I think she wasn't joking. "The security here has always been kind of strict."

"Kind of?" I was embarrassed at the way my voice came out more like a squeak.

She gave me a sly smirk. "Come on now. You don't wanna stay here when there are more chances of being spotted here than inside."

The whole way up in the elevator, I was grumbling and cursing my life for bringing me here at this point.

When we reached the third floor, Maria once again motioned at me to keep quiet (even though I hadn't opened my mouth once) and we exited the elevator into an empty dark hallway. The hallway lights weren't on, and the moonlight peeking from the tiny balcony at the very end made it look so so creepy.

"There it is." Maria stopped and faced me, pressing a silver key-card against my palm. "I'll stay here and keep a watch. If I knock twice on the door that means someone is coming and--"

We both stopped dead in our tracks and Maria fell silent when we heard footsteps, followed by hushed voices. I looked over at Maria with wide eyes and she literally groaned. Out loud.

"I'll handle this." She glared at me, almost as if telling me that this all was my fault. "Go now. And don't come out until I say so." Then she gave me a final shove towards Alastair's dorm room, towards the closed door.

I hurried and swiped the card over the slot. After a flicker of a green light, the door clicked open and I dashed inside, shutting the door behind me just as quickly and