For over two weeks now, I had thought I was strong enough. Truly, I'd believed I could handle it, that I could endure whatever the situation would throw at me.

But this was too hard.

Even if Lex was here with me, he wasn't with me. I was desperately alone in this, and it was so hard to bear the weight of everything on my own.

It might have been stupid, but what I'd just witnessed, seeing Lex pleasuring himself in the shower, was my wake-up call. I'd been fooling myself, making excuses, lying to myself because I needed ways to cope. To explain why he wasn't looking at me the same way, I'd told myself he wasn't there yet, that his libido was on hold.

How fucking stupid could I be? How many other lies had I told myself to feel better, to justify his attitude? My love for him had made me blind, stupid, and I'd refused to see the truth all along.

But it was right there. It had been there ever since he'd been back.

Lex didn't want to talk to me, and even when he did now, it seemed forced, as if the act was demanding some great effort. He didn't seek my company, and wasn't considering my pain. This entire time, he'd been selfish, which I'd forgiven because of his trauma, and I'd been foolish, dismissing the damage I'd endured myself.

I too had suffered greatly, my anguish so strong I'd actually broken down a few times, only to build myself back up on my own. But I didn't have enough strength left in me to do the same for him and not crumble. Not anymore. I needed to be cared for, to get the support and love I was giving to Lex. The one he wasn't giving me in return.

There was only one place where I'd be able to get it, and I suddenly craved to get there. I needed to be cherished and loved unconditionally. Staying here and enduring Lex's somber mood was taking a serious toll on my mental health, and I had to look out for myself before I reached a breaking point.

As I made my way to the dressing room, I realized just how much I needed my parents, how terribly I wanted to leave this place. Once in there, I grabbed a bag large enough to contain enough of my things for a weekend. Holding it in my shaky hands, I hesitated. I needed more than that. Staying there, with Lex so reluctant, was crushing me more every day. I was way too far ahead of him, and waiting for him to reach my level was agonizing.

Instead of my small bag, I picked the largest one I could find. I'd bring it back here whenever I could. With a pile of my clothes in hand, I headed back to the bedroom and settled it on the bed.

The perspective of leaving was making me light and relieved. Until now, I hadn't realized just how heavy the tense atmosphere was on me. The signs had been ignored, but the way I felt now couldn't lie. I needed to get away from here, and we'd have to work on our relationship in another way. We could see each other now and then, while Lex kept going to his therapy sessions and I minded my own mental state.

After a few back and forth between the bathroom, the walk-in closet, and the bedroom, most of my things were either packed or sprawled on the bed, waiting to be shoved into the bag as well.

Just as I was coming back with another load of clothes, Lex came into the room, wearing nothing but a towel, low around his hips. Fuck... His undressed state was dangerous for my resolve to leave. I wanted him. I wanted to be with him, but not like this. Not anymore.

His eyes travelled to the mess on the bed, and he then looked at me with incomprehension in his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"I'm packing my things."

"Why?"

"I'm spending the weekend at my parents' house."

"That's a lot of things for a weekend, Andrea," he pointed out, his eyes back on everything I'd taken out. There was a mix of worry and incomprehension in his voice.

"I'm not... coming back afterward. I need a break, I need to get away for a bit."

Lex took a moment to let that one sink, his features frozen with confusion. As for myself, I took a moment to admire his shape, and everything the white towel didn't cover. Only God knew how long would pass until I got to see him like this again, in this most vulnerable state.

"Have I done something?" he eventually asked, troubled.

"Yes— No... I don't know. I can't be here anymore. I thought I had enough strength in me, but I don't. I'm not tough enough."

There was something broken in the way he was looking at me, and it made my heart ache. I couldn't change my mind, I couldn't grow soft. This didn't mean we were over. No, we were just changing strategies. Reassessing so I wouldn't suffer so much anymore. Sensing his eyes still on me, I made my way to the bed and pushed a few more of my clothes into the bag. Shit, I'd need another one if I wanted to take everything with me today.

"I don't understand," Lex said next to me, somewhat irritated. "I thought we were doing better."

"I thought too. Really, I thought it could be enough. But it's hard, Lex. It's too hard. Being here with you, and being ten steps ahead, waiting for you to be ready... I believed I could do it, I really did. But it turns out I don't have enough patience." The way my voice trembled forced me to take a break and gather myself. After a few deep breaths, I was ready to keep going.

"I've been fooling myself, thinking you wanted this, needed me here, but now I feel like I've just been imposing my presence on you. It's excruciating being here and wanting to be with you so much, when you barely tolerate me. You don't look at me the way you used to, you won't talk to me, you won't hold me... Every interaction feels like you're forcing yourself to do it, and it's painful. I'm missing our connection so much, and being here only reminds me we've lost it. And I don't mean just the sex, I mean everything."

"Why now?" he asked, and the fact that he wasn't denying any of my assumptions or trying to reassure me only confirmed what I'd thought. "Why are you suddenly giving up?"

Embarrassment made me hesitate, so I didn't answer right away. But honesty was what we needed the most, so I spoke truthfully. "I don't think you realize the mental state I was in when you were away. I was blaming myself so much, I didn't think I deserved any form of pleasure, like a self-imposed punishment. And now that you're back, I'm not indulging either, because it's you I want, not just the pleasure."

I didn't dare to explain my reasons further, hoping he'd connect the dots himself. Thankfully, his genius brain didn't take long to figure out where I was going with this. "You saw me just now, in the shower."

"I'm not blaming you for it," I felt compelled to say, which was the truth. "You're free to do whatever you want with your body. But it hurts me to see you feel so comfortable with it when I've been in agony for three months."

"I never asked for that. You didn't consider me so much for everything else, so I don't get why this was an issue for you."

His words shocked me so much, it was as though the air was physically punched out of my chest. He was irked, which I couldn't explain. Why would he be annoyed with me when I was giving him exactly what he wanted by finally leaving him alone? Something was set aflame within me, warming up for whatever would follow. "I did what I had to, and if you can't accept it, that's your problem."

"Right, so committing a crime that could have you in prison for the rest of your life was okay, but I guess you draw the line at orgasming."

Okay, now he was purposefully trying to anger me. Apparently, we were about to have the conversation we'd needed for a fortnight now. But it wouldn't be as calm and understanding as we'd wanted. We weren't ready for it, though. He wasn't even dressed, for fuck's sake. But everything that had been building up was demanding to come out, and it demanded it now.

"Go fuck yourself, Alexander," I hissed. "You have no idea how much I endured."

"And me?! Can you imagine how much I suffered? I was alone in there. You stopped coming to visit, because you were doing God knows what with fucking Oliver."

My eyes rolled of their own as I struggled to fold a top before giving up, rolling it into a ball, and angrily shoving it into the bag.

"You need to let go of your stupid worries with Oli! I've never wanted him as I want you, and he'll never be anything more than a friend."

"And how the fuck am I not supposed to have doubts when you spent weekends and entire evenings with him, but couldn't even be bothered to visit me anymore?! I was going mad with anxiety and doubts. I had a thousand questions I couldn't ever know the answers to. It was pure agony, Andrea, to be stuck in there, wondering if you were already moving on."

"We were working together to get you out," I reminded him, infuriated by his insulting assumptions.

We were full-on yelling at each other, and somehow, it felt good. All the frustration that had accumulated since his release was getting out. The pressure in me was slowly lowering. All these things I'd wanted to tell him were finally being said, even if I was screaming them at him.

"How could I guess that? How could I ever imagine you'd do the worst thing you could possibly do? I would do anything to protect you, and you put yourself in more danger than I could have ever imagined."

"I did everything I could to protect you!"

"But you didn't have to. You had the easy part. All you needed to do was move the fuck on."

Oh, fuck no... He hadn't just said that. Clearly, his sessions with Michelle had done jack shit if he could still think like this. My blood boiled in my veins, and I moved away from the bed toward him, trying to look imposing despite our size difference and the mesmerizing muscles of his upper body. We were having one of our biggest arguments, and the scene was surreal, with Lex in his towel and me in my pretty dress. I was certain this moment would forever be engraved in my mind.

"Don't you fucking dare minimize my experience!" I warned him. "I'm not claiming I've had it worse than you, because I can't even begin to imagine what you went through, but it doesn't mean I had it easy!"

"And how was it hard, Andrea? You were out there, free to do whatever the fuck you wanted!"

"I didn't feel free, Lex!" I screamed. "I might not have been locked up, but I was in there with you, every single day. And now you're back, you're finally here, but you seem to be even further from me than you were in Sheridan. At least we talked, at least then you looked at me like you loved me, like you wanted me in your life!"

"Of course I love you! I'll forever want you in my life. But this whole fucking mess has made me realize we shouldn't be together."

That one felt like a stab, and the sharp pain it unleashed was so distracting, my anger went down a few notches. It left me tongue-tied, and we only stared at each other for a moment, unsure what to say after this. Even he seemed surprised by what he'd just stated, as if his tongue had spoken before his brain could have formulated the thought.

"What do you mean, we shouldn't be together?" I asked, hating the way my voice trembled.

He sighed, passing a frustrated hand over his face, the firm muscled of his arm flexing from the gesture. "Andrea, you risked your life for me. You risked your freedom over mine. This doesn't feel right. I can't bear the idea that you'd sacrifice yourself for my sake." He paused, and I didn't dare to move or talk, almost certain he was about to break things up with me.

The idea was killing me inside.

"That's why I've been staying away from you. Because if I let you close, I won't resist you. If I let myself take what I want, I won't ever be able to let you go. Pushing you away is the only way I won't cave in, while I figure out what's best for you; for us."

"You're what's best for me."

"No, this can't be it, Andrea. You can't be willing to sacrifice everything for me like you did. I'd do anything to protect you," he continued, "but I don't know how to protect you from yourself."

"Can't you see it's the same for me? I didn't have any other choice, Lex. I had to get you out."

"And that feels normal to you?" There was almost some form of grief in his eyes, and I was convinced he was mourning us, our story.

"Nothing about us has ever been normal. But nothing has ever felt more right either."

He didn't respond to that, but looked at me with what almost looked like distraught. Maybe he was right, maybe we shouldn't be like this. Maybe the way I'd so easily decided to break so many laws just for him wasn't okay. Surely it wasn't, but I didn't care. We already knew this. As I'd told him in the past, I loved him too much; and the other way around was just as true.

My mind was filled with so many conflicting thoughts, I only stared at him, unable to form coherent sentences. He couldn't end this because we loved each other too much. He was considering it, though, somehow convinced that what we had was dangerous. That our love could destroy us.

"Don't you fucking dare break up with me," I threatened. When he didn't respond, anger rose within me again, reborn from its ashes.

During our argument, we'd moved close enough to each other for me to be able to push on his chest. "Can't you see I had to? You're not the only one who suffered." I gave him another shove, trying to take him out of his mutism. "I've been through Hell, Lex. Without you, I was wasting away. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was constantly crying... For the worst hour of my life, I even thought I was pregnant, and when—"

"You what?!" he asked, swiftly grabbing my wrists, so I'd stop pushing him away. I hadn't meant to disclose that information, but it was too late to take it back. With him so close, his domineering frame towering over me, I felt myself being torn apart again. Just like I'd been then, wishing with everything I had that I was both pregnant and not.

"I was barely eating, and it fucked me up. I lost fourteen pounds at some point because of the stress," I confessed, refusing to meet his eyes. My gaze was lost somewhere on his chest, barely perceiving the tanned skin and the thin hair scattered on it. "My period just stopped, and I thought I was pregnant with your baby. I wanted it so much, Lex. I wanted your child because I knew it might be the only thing I'd have left of you. You were going to abandon me," I reminded him, my shaky voice interrupted by sobs. "But when it turned out it was only the stress, I spent the entire night mourning what never was and never would be."

Finally, I mustered the courage to look up at him, my eyes filled with tears, my wrists still prisoners of his grip. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his voice so troubled and confused.

"You were already going through so much, it seemed cruel to add to it. But I suffered too, Lex. So much. I ached for you every single day."

There was an acceptance in his eyes that hadn't been there before. He seemed more empathetic toward me than he'd been in weeks. Seeing an opening, I came closer to him, my eyes locked into his gray irises.

"Now, do you see it? Do you understand I had to get you out for my own sanity? What I did wasn't an impulsive whim; it was survival instinct. Between the guilt of putting you there, and the fact that life has no meaning without you in it, I had to get you out. I refused to accept that I'd never actually hold our child in my arms."

He wasn't responsive, but I could tell his mind was running at full speed. His firm hold on me became uncomfortable, so I twisted my wrists in his hands. He let go of me, his eyes still lost somewhere on my face.

"I'm not going to apologize for what I did, because I'm not sorry for it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to. So if you can't forgive me for it, Lex, I don't know what we can do from here. Everything I did, you would have done it too. Regardless of you knowing how to handle it or not. You would have done everything you could to get me out too."

This statement – which we both knew was true – took him out of his stupor. There was a vulnerability in him that had nothing to do with his nakedness. Had it been rational or not, this unshakable opinion he'd had of my actions was quivering. He was finally hearing my side, perceiving just why I would take such risks. Why I'd had to do it, regardless of the danger.

"The way you're worried for me, how pissed you are that I did it... It's because of how much you love me. Can't you see I love you just the same? Please, stop acting like I committed high treason when you would've done exactly the same."

He seemed rattled to his core, still speechless. Something was happening within him, but I couldn't tell if it was in my favor or not. Regardless of whatever conclusion his mind would come up with, I'd done everything I could. I'd told him everything that was on my chest, had justified my actions, and had poured my heart out to him.

Now, the best thing I could do was to leave, as I'd decided, and allow him to be alone to reflect on everything, and take some time to find it in his heart to forgive me. A weekend at my parents' would help me refill my need for love and affection, which I needed so much more than I'd thought. In the meantime, Lex would have the time alone he'd been desperately seeking.

By staying here, I'd been selfish, refusing to listen to his needs because mine were different. I'd needed to be with him, and he'd needed some time to re-center himself, to return to the life he used to have.

Leaving him standing in the middle of the room in his towel, I went to the bed, to finish packing my things. Silent tears gathered in my eyes but never made it down my cheeks as I organized the bag, wondering how I'd manage to put everything in it.

Because he was barefooted, I hadn't heard Lex come closer. But his hand was suddenly on my arm, startling me. I turned around, finding him much closer than I'd thought. Confused, I looked up at his conflicted gaze, moving back when he came even closer. The edge of the bed prevented me from further retreat, so I remained stuck there, caged by all of him.

"Lex, what are you doing?" I asked, my heart clutching painfully at what I could read in his familiar eyes.

With both hands, he framed my face, pressing them delicately on me. He held me here, face up, as his eyes scanned me, seeming like they were discovering what I looked like for the first time. He was close enough for the warmth of his skin to seep through my dress, adding to the way my own body had turned into a furnace with his proximity.

After everything that had happened, I didn't want to read into this and come up with more lies to tell myself. But my heart and my body didn't know that. One was beating hectically, and the other was melting with each second that passed.

Right at this instant, he was looking at me the way he used to, with love, want, affection, respect, desire... Lost into his magnificent eyes, I let myself drown in the moment, feeling like I used to before, remembering what it felt like to be held by him. His tenderness, it was both too much