【13】Blending Days

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Getting a month off work had been alarmingly easy. As it turned out, me completely breaking down in front of the therapist had been a major red flag to him. My terrible state had accidentally helped me greatly.

In my defense, I hadn't intended on coming on too strong, but after a few minutes of talking to the professional, my tongue had freed itself, an endless flow of words had poured out of me. I'd cried an entire river as the stress and anguish of the past few weeks had forced their way out of me, through a flow of word vomit I couldn't stop.

Between that, the weight loss, and the lingering effects of the pregnancy scare, the psychiatrist had urged me to take a month off work. He'd also given me a prescription for Xanax, and asked that we met again in a fortnight. Although it was tempting to take the medication and feel better, I couldn't, for fear that it might diminish the sharpness of my mind. Now was not the time to feel dull and slow.

Still, I said nothing to the man, accepted the prescription, and took my leave. Because I didn't want anyone else to be aware of my plans, Kev only knew that I'd been advised to rest and take some time to get better. The pain in his eyes when I'd told him had been difficult to bear, and the urge to cave in and confide everything in him had been hard to resist.

But there was no way I'd involve him in this. It would put him at risk of becoming an accomplice, and there was no way I'd let it happen. Not only did I refuse to put him in this position, I also knew Lex would be strongly opposed to it as well. The man had an infant daughter to take care of. He couldn't possibly be involved.

Kev had also accepted the fact that I'd want to be closer to Lex by spending some time at his place, so my temporary move there didn't pass as weird. Everything was unfolding perfectly, my plan free of obstacles so far.

When I entered Lex's apartment on Tuesday, the day after my visit with the psychiatrist, I was full of energy and hope. With me, I had a bag with more things, since the ones I had in my chest of drawers here wouldn't be enough. When I went to settle them in the walk-in closet with the rest, my heart tightened as I crossed Lex's room. Would I even be able to sleep here? As I'd lay there in Lex's bed, I'd most surely be reminded of all the amazing moments we'd spent in it, the discussions, the breakfast, the cuddling, the sex...

Dismissing the overwhelming nostalgia, I made my way to the dressing room. The entire time I was putting my things away, my eyes were drawn to a particular drawer. In it laid the ring Lex had bought for me. It symbolized the future that had been taken from us, the promise of more that we didn't have any longer. But we would. I would get him free and we would have everything we'd always wanted with one another.

Unable to hold myself any longer, I went to the drawer as soon as I was done. I opened it and quickly fished out the blue box. With my thumb, I popped the lid open, admiring once more the incredible jewel within. Somehow, I regretted having found it, as it had ruined the surprise. But at the same time, I was glad I had, since it was the very tangible proof that, regardless of what Lex said now, he had, indeed, wanted to marry me so we'd spend the rest of our lives together.

Impulsively, I reached to take the ring out, putting the empty box back in the drawer. I admired it against the light, marveling at the flawless stone, holding it between two fingers. Before I could help myself, I slipped it on my ring finger – where it belonged, despite everything.

As I stared at my hand and the solitary jewel on it, emotions filled my heart, making my chest ache from their intensity. Thirty-four days. I had thirty-four days to get Lex out, so he could properly ask me to become his forever.

Invigorated by this, I made my way to the Lexcave. I had shit to do and no time to waste.

The entire day was spent either getting to know the hacking community and chatting with them as Frexx, or studying and learning from Lex's amazing work. As suspected, I was catching up on everything relatively fast, given my pre-existing talent for coding in general. Still, it was a lot to process, and my head was stuffed and foggy by the end of it.

It was all so absorbing that it took Oli sending me a text to come out of it. I checked the time on my phone, stunned to see I'd been sitting there for over nine hours.

"Hey, Dora. How was your first day of leave?" Oli had sent.

We had established a code, so we could easily navigate through this. If I mentioned a fantasy show or movie, it meant I needed him to come over to help. If I spoke of something from the science-fiction genre, it meant I required his remote assistance. Horror meant an emergency, and he had to come as soon as possible. So far, I hadn't encountered anything that demanded his immediate intervention, so I responded accordingly.

"Very relaxing. I spent the day watching Parks and Rec," I texted back. If anyone got the idea to check, they would indeed see that the show had been playing the whole day from my Netflix account, right from Lex's home cinema.

Oli's answer came a few seconds later, distracting me from the script I'd returned to. "Alright, good to hear it went well. Text me if you need anything. Remember to eat."

Shit, he was right. I'd been so engrossed in my research, I had completely forgotten to eat or drink. I sent him a quick thank you, wishing him a good evening, and headed out of the secret office to head to the kitchen.

The content of the fridge was understandably spoiled for the most part, and I scolded myself. I'd completely forgotten about this, and it had now been five weeks without anyone taking care of it. With an annoyed grunt, I maneuvered the crisper out. I didn't have time for this. And it also meant I'd have to go out and waste time on grocery shopping as well.

Remembering that Lex had someone taking care of that for him, I considered the possibility. Every hour that I could spare could be helpful in my grand enterprise to save Lex.

"Mary, what happened to the woman who took care of the groceries?" I asked.

"Katya's contract is still active, but it's on hold at the moment. Do you wish for me to contact her agency so she can resume her services, as she used to?"

Looking down at the drawer full of partially rotten veggies, I considered Mary's question. It would be very helpful to have someone handling that sort of thing. It meant I didn't need to spend time cleaning, shopping, or putting things away. Although it was a luxury I'd never allowed myself before, having a punctual housemaid would be a great asset. Lex had allowed this woman to be here a few times a week, even when he was at work. It meant he trusted her.

"Yes, please," I answered Mary, my decision taken.

"An email has been sent to the agency. I will keep you posted as soon as I receive an answer."

"Thanks, babe. Do you have any UberEATS functionalities?"

"I am afraid I do not."

"Okay, I need to add this to your system at some point."

Taking out my phone, I quickly scrolled through the app to find what I could order. I ended up picking the same Thai restaurant Lex and I had ordered from at some point, knowing the delivery was fast and the food good. As I waited for my dinner to arrive, I took care of emptying the fridge of everything that was spoiled. Luckily, I'd thought of taking the garbage out, which meant there wasn't any five weeks old nightmare going on in there.

The delivery arrived a little in advance, and after thanking the man who brought it up, I returned to the Lexcave, ready to dive back into everything.

The following days all blended together. My resolve was strong, and nothing could stop me. The ring on my finger kept reminding me why I needed to push through, motivating me to keep going even when I'd feel hopeless. I was growing used to its presence, enjoying its weight, meaning, and beauty.

Being stuck in this small room, with no window to help me keep track of the day passing, made time completely irrelevant. Just like casinos where everything was done to keep the clients in. I became absorbed by my task and oblivious to the passing hours. The only thing that made me stop was when I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, fatigue making my brain inefficient and useless.

Anytime I was about to pass out, I got out of the room, stopped by the bathroom for a rapid shower, a quick moment to brush my teeth, and then I let myself fall headfirst into Lex's bed.

Although I'd been scared that sleep might elude me, it turned out I was too tired and drained by hours of intense studying to have enough brain cells left to dwell over things. Also, the smell of him that lingered on the sheets comforted me, giving me a sense of homeliness that helped soothe me. Every time, I hugged the Lex-scented pillow and fell into slumber with him in my lungs.

Five hours after going to sleep, my phone would ring – thanks to the alarm I'd set up – and I'd sparsely dress up to go back to my mission. There were no more days or nights after a few of these cycles. The concepts didn't matter any longer. There was being up, then being too tired to remain up, and then sleeping so I could be up again.

My only connection with the outside world happened through texts, as various people would take the time to check up on me. A few times a day, Oli would remind me to eat, which never failed to make me smile. I'd taken a moment to add a new functionality to Mary, and had given her a full list of restaurants I might appreciate, as well as the dishes I'd enjoy. Then, I'd created a command that made her order something random for me. It wasn't much, but it brought some sense of surprise and unpredictability to my otherwise monotonous schedule.

Although this way of life was odd, I accepted it, knowing it wouldn't last for long. Only until I managed to get Lex freed.

I was deep into analyzing an outdated script from Lex when I heard someone at the front door. With my hands frozen over the keyboard, I listened carefully, wondering what this was about. Sheer panic flooded me when whoever it was used a set of keys to open the lock.

Shit, what the fuck was that? Oli didn't have a key, and he would have texted me before coming anyway, just like Kev.

"Mary, close the hidden door," I instructed, opening the security software.

As the secure panel closed, I quickly found the live feed of the camera that looked over the entrance door. At the sight of the woman displayed on the screen, I let out a reassured breath. Was it already Friday?

It was Katya, the maid, with a bag full of groceries, here to clean and dust. Shit, she'd really scared me. Looking down at my clothes, I grimaced. I'd woken up about two hours ago and hadn't taken a moment to slip on anything, too eager to resume what I'd been working on. As a result, I was wearing one of Lex's old T-shirts, with only a pair of panties underneath. I could hardly go out like this, or take the risk to reveal the concealed door to her.

With a defeated sigh, I accepted the fact that I'd stay stuck in there for the next four hours – until she left the apartment again. I hadn't eaten anything since waking up, but at least I had a water bottle with me.

Because the room was heavily soundproof, I couldn't hear anything she was doing out there, but kept track by asking Mary for updates. Eventually, I became absorbed by my work again, trying to figure out how I could revamp Lex's old script. I remained focused until my phone rang, about three hours after Katya had arrived.

Seeing that the call came from Oregon, my heart tightened. I quickly picked up, and sure enough, it was from Sheridan. Once I'd accepted the call, Lex and I were connected, and his voice warmed me all the way inside.

"Hi."

"Hi," I answered. "How are you?"

"I'm okay. As okay as can be, at least. How about you?"

"I'm okay too. I'm glad you called, I missed your voice."

"Yes, it seemed appropriate to call you today."

Perplexed by his statement, I checked the date on my screen. Ah, shit. "Happy Valentine's day, baby," I wished him, having completely forgotten.

Of course, he caught that, because I was shit at hiding things. "You'd forgotten?"

"Well... The days have been blending together, lately. And Valentine's was never a big deal to me."

"Yeah, me neither. But I thought if we couldn't be together for it, I should at least call you." I nodded, slightly hurt by that fact. Even though I'd never liked the commercial aspect of it, it was still lovers' day, and we were missing our first one, being forced apart. "I'll be honest and say I thought you might come and surprise me today," Lex continued. "Especially since Kev told me you were taking a leave from work. But the visitation hours are almost over, so I guess it was a bit sentimental of me."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck... He was right. I should have gone to him today, even just for an hour. We should have been together, even if we couldn't touch, even with that damned glass between us. I should have remembered about Valentine's day and hopped in the Benz to visit him.

"I'm so sorry, Lex," I said, emotions clutching my throat.

"It's fine. It was stupid of me to get my hopes up. You'll be here on Sunday, as usual, and it's good enough."

The realization that I would lose eight hours on driving Sunday made me hesitate. An entire day of work would disappear entirely if I went to visit him. At the very least, it was eleven hours where I wouldn't be able to learn, progress, and come up with my flawless plan to impersonate Nammota.

"Are you not coming on Sunday either?" Lex asked, somehow hurt and irritated at the same time.

"I'm sorry. I'll try. I'll really try. But I've got so many things to do, I'm not sure I can."

"Aren't you off work?"

Shit.

I couldn't tell him what I was doing. Not only were these calls monitored and archived, but he also would never accept my plan. If he knew I was actively working on impersonating him to get him freed, he'd demand that I stopped, worried about the repercussions.

Fuck. I'd just admitted, on a recorded phone call, to being extremely busy with something when I was supposed to be spending my days watching Netflix and doing absolutely nothing, stuck into depression.

My heart dropped into my chest when I realized that the only way out was to break his heart. The reason why I couldn't visit him as often as I used to had to be personal, not because of a busy schedule.

"Lex, it... it hurts me every time I see you." The confession wasn't even a lie, as I'd ended up crying in the car after most of our encounters, but it was still wrong. It didn't matter how broken each of these left me. I'd forever go back and see him. "I've been living at your place for the past few days, and this is helping me get better. The memory of you, of us, of how it used to be... Seeing you slowly lose yourself in there it's... it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

There was a long silence, where none of us said anything. Nothing of what I was saying was false, it was entirely true. But I'd go through hell and back for him, and I hoped he knew that somewhere deep down, and he'd get that there was more to this.

My eyes fell to my hand on the engagement ring he'd bought for me, my thumb playing with it out of habit. This was proof none of what I was saying was real, proof I'd forever be his, that I'd forever want him.

"I don't think I can visit you as often as I used to," I eventually concluded, administering the final blow.

His silence was excruciating, but there was no way I'd give our opponents any kind of ammo they would then use against us. This was truly for the best, and I hoped with everything I had he'd forgive me for doing this. He would understand, eventually. He'd accept I had no other choice.

"I get it," he finally answered. "I'll tell Kev he can come to visit me again. Do everything you can to get better, Andrea."

"Kev wasn't visiting you anymore?"

"No. I wanted to use all my visiting credit on you."

His words administered yet another painful blow on my aching heart, shattering it into my chest. My hand swiftly traveled to my mouth to muffle the sob that rose.

"I'm so sorry," I said, struggling to keep my voice steady.

"It's alright. I was the one who wanted you to distance yourself from me. This was always going to happen, and it's better now than further down the road."

I wanted to tell him. I yearned to be honest, to confess to him I wasn't giving up on him, not now or not ever. But until I could meet him again and maybe find a way to show him none of this was real, he'd have to remain in the dark, convinced I was turning the page.

"Fuck, I need to go," he suddenly let out. It was impossible to tell if it was because of some external interference or because he couldn't handle more of this.

"I'm so sorry, Lex. I love you. So fucking much."

"I'll call you on Sunday. Take care, Andrea."

He hung up without another word, and I remained unmoving, my phone over my ear, blankly staring at whatever was in front of me. His aloofness, his detachment... it revealed I'd broken him a little more. As much as he'd wanted me to get over him, the mere thought that I had given up on him – so easily and so early – had hurt him greatly. It couldn't be further from the truth, but I had no way to let him know.

For endless minutes of despair and loneliness, I remained numb to the world, barely able to focus on what was on the screens. By the time I was done pulling this off, what would be left of us? Would he lose his trust in me, would he move on?

As painful as it was, our story wasn't the thing I wanted to salvage. Lex had to be freed at all costs. I had to get him out no matter what, even if it meant losing him. He was there because of me, so it was my mistake to repair and atone for.

"Katya has now exited the apartment," Mary spoke out of the blue.

The urge to be free of this oppressing room shook me out of my apathy, and I stood up to get out. My first stop was to the kitchen, to drink a glass of water and check out the fridge. There, after making an inventory of what Katya had added, I took out a box of leftover fried rice. Perched on a chair at the high counter, I ate the dish without even taking the time to heat it up.

Deciding I'd wandered around in my panties for long enough, so I headed for Lex's room once I was done. As soon as I entered it, pure dread fell upon me.

Oh God, no!

Running to the freshly made bed, I grabbed a pillow and shoved my face in it. When nothing but the flowery scent of detergent came back, I threw it away and grabbed another one. They all knew the same treatment until I realized with utter despair that Lex's smell was gone entirely. Katya had changed the sheets. I couldn't even blame her for it, she'd only been doing her job. It was my fault. I should have thought of that and told her to leave them on.

The last shred of hope I had was crushed when I checked the laundry

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