【09】Scary Thoughts

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As I sat in the prison's visiting area the next day, after a restless night spent overthinking and worrying, I wasn't sure what to do once I met with Lex. Should I tell him I'd found the ring? He might be mortified to hear I had uncovered his secret; one he most surely didn't want me to find out about. He was in a humiliating position, and I didn't want to add to it by telling him I'd been looking at his stuff and found the ring.

In a way, I wanted him to know that if he'd asked, I would have said yes. Well, maybe not on New Year's Eve during his potential attempt, because we weren't doing this while he was drunk and undressed. I wanted him at full capacity when he proposed. But otherwise, it was clear I wouldn't have refused a life by his side, me as his wife and him as my husband.

When Lex arrived, I was still debating my options, having a hard time focusing because of the lack of rest. I stood when he reached me, but he didn't make a move toward me, sitting on a stool right away. Before I could take offense, I noticed he was somewhat lost in his thoughts, having his own internal conflicts to deal with.

Just like every time I saw him, he looked more tired, his eyes emptier, his beard darker and longer. He was wasting away slowly, each day eating up a little more of his soul.

"Hi," I greeted him, forcing a smile on my face and sitting opposite from him. He didn't answer, his jaw squared, his gaze lost on the metallic table between us. "What's wrong, Lex?"

"I just had a call with my lawyers."

I froze, already trying to imagine how this could justify his foul mood. Had the case taken a turn for the worse? Were we going to lose? No, we couldn't. There was no way we'd lose. Lex wasn't staying in here until the day he died.

"And? What's happening?"

"They think our best defense is character evidence."

"What is that?"

"It means getting people on the stand to attest to what an honorable and upstanding man I am, to prove to the jury I couldn't possibly be Nammota."

"That's a good thing, right?" I wondered, hoping for the best.

"How is that a good thing, Andrea? I have more enemies than I have friends. Apart from a pathetic handful of people, who can we possibly put on the stand?"

"There are more people who care about you than you think, Lex," I noted, taken aback by his aggressivity. "Oli would do it. All the guys from the dev team would, actually. And Kev, Michelle, Eva, me... Also your family."

"My family wants to stay out of this. How is it going to look for a jury that my own family can't be bothered to testify for me? The prosecution will build a solid case against me, probably using my autism to explain how I'm an outcast, how I view society in a different manner, how I wanted some payback from it..."

The information about his family broke my heart and then made my blood boil. I couldn't fucking believe the Colemans would turn their backs on their own people like this. Not even his sisters?!

"I take it you've spoken to your family, then?"

"Yes, I spoke to Lucy earlier this week. They are trying to help the best they can, but my father made threats, so they can't do much."

"I thought they would fight him on this."

"Yeah, me too. But I know how persuasive he can be, and I realize this can't be all about money."

"Your father is such a cunt," I groaned, feeling my anger rise even further within me. He answered with a single nod, and I decided to leave this behind us, to think rationally. "But even without your family, you still have us to help, Lex. And we will."

"That's another reason why I think this strategy is pure bullshit," Lex explained, the irritation in his tone impossible to miss. He bent forward to be closer to me, and when he resumed, his voice was low enough so the people around us couldn't hear. The visiting room had a few cameras, for security reasons, but the audio wasn't recorded. Not to the extent where they could make out what Lex said next, at least.

"I can't have you and the people I care about put on the stand to lie for me. Perjury is a serious offense, and I won't see you or Kev hurt by this."

"So, what are you saying? We can't lie?"

"No, you can't. I'm going to make sure my lawyers don't put you on the stand, so you won't even have the temptation to do it."

"But the prosecution will, Lex. They will have me on the stand like last time. And I don't care what you think or what you want, I will lie. There's no way I'll incriminate you. I won't give them what they are looking for."

My refusal to cooperate didn't sit well with him, and his jaw tensed, giving him a dangerous look. "Andrea, you need to be reasonable about this. Even if you lie, I might not make it out of here. But if you are caught doing it, you risk prison time. Obstruction of justice, accessory to a crime, you pick one; they can get you in serious trouble."

"If the situations were reversed, wouldn't you lie for me too?" I asked, irked by his inability to see it from my perspective.

"What I would do doesn't matter. I'm asking you not to."

"Then we have a problem, Lex. Because the prosecution will have me as a witness, and I will do whatever I can to save you, including lying."

He moved back, frustrated, trying to come up with an answer to my question. His brilliant mind worked to come up with something as I did the same, wanting to get us out of this impasse. I understood his perspective. I understood he wanted to protect me. I understood the dangers of lying on the stand. But he needed to see it from my side too, and realize I was going to lie regardless, and do whatever I could to help him win the trial.

If the prosecution didn't make me testify, then the issue would be easily solved, and I simply wouldn't have the temptation to commit perjury, as he'd put it. But I hardly saw how they wouldn't involve me. I was his girlfriend; I was close to him. Just like Kevin, it was certain they'd ask us to answer their questions, in an attempt to find discrepancies in our testimonies.

Maybe it was because of the ring I'd found, maybe it was some hope clinging onto it, but an answer suddenly came to me. There was a very easy solution within our grasps, one that would ensure I wouldn't be forced to testify against the man I loved.

"Marry me," I blurted out.

Lex's utter shock told me I should have been more subtle about it and bring it in a gentler fashion.

But that was it. The solution to our problems. Spousal privilege. If we were married, they couldn't force me to incriminate him. I wasn't sure about the exact terms of this law, but I knew it was a solid one; one that could protect us both.

Lex's reaction wasn't what I expected at all, as he stared at me with alarm and apprehension, completely taken aback by my impulsive proposal. When he eventually collected himself, his answer was much blunter than what I was prepared for.

"No."

"Lex, they can't make me testify if we are married."

"I know, but no. I'm not marrying you, Andrea."

It was hard not to take offense when his tone was so full of dread. It wasn't like it was so far from our initial plans. We would have married at some point anyway, it was just more rushed than anticipated.

"What is so preposterous with the notion of us marrying?" I asked with irritation, wondering why he was so opposed to it.

"We're not even sure we would have taken that leap before all this. We're certainly not taking it now. And not for these reasons."

That he'd so blatantly pretend marriage might not have been the outcome of us offended me. It had been. I'd found the proof of it yesterday. He was being stubborn and unreasonable, his attitude closed off and cold, as he used to be when we'd first met.

"It's either that or I'm lying, Lex, so you pick which one sits better with you."

It might have not been fair to give him an ultimatum, but I couldn't see any other solution. Regardless of what he said, I would do whatever it took once on the stand. And I was doing it fully aware of the risks and implications.

"Let's say we do this, we get married, and I lose the trial. What then, Andrea?" he questioned, acerbic.

"Then nothing. My love for you doesn't just stop if that happens."

"Are you seriously saying you wouldn't mind being married to me if I were to remain locked in here for the rest of my life?" He was appalled by the notion, dismayed by it. I nodded, unsure what else he wanted me to say. "Andrea, you can't possibly be serious. If I am condemned, you will have to move on. I'm not letting you waste away your life on me."

"That isn't a decision for you to make. It's my life, I'll dispose of it as I please."

"I won't let you. This is ridiculous. Why can't you see how absurd you're being?"

"I'm not being absurd. It's you or no one, Lex. So stop trying to control me. I'll still be by your side, regardless of the trial's outcome."

There was something dark going on within him, a mix of terror and anger, and I wondered if it was aimed at him or me. Why was he being like this when, had our positions been reversed, he would have done the same for me?

"I won't let you," he coldly declared. "If the trial is lost, then we're done. You won't visit me anymore, I won't contact you again."

His decision scared me as much as it angered me. He couldn't be serious. There was no way he'd pull the plug on us like this, I refused. This was my story too, and I was allowed to be a part of the decision-making. "You can't do that, Lex."

"I can and I will. All I need to do is to remove you from my list, and you won't be able to see me ever again."

That he'd even consider doing this was cruel, unfair, and terrifying. But he was right. There was nothing I could do about this. If we lost the trial, all he had to do was cross my name away, and I'd be powerless, unable to contact him ever again.

"Lex, please, don't," I begged, my anger turning into despair. He couldn't mean it.

"I'm sorry, Andrea. If you can't be reasonable, I'll be for the both of us."

"But you're not being reasonable. This isn't fair, I'm allowed to make my own choices."

"Not if you're irrational about it. And this is my choice to make too. I'm not watching you come week after week, clinging onto me when there's no hope left. I'm not selfishly keeping you when there is so much better for you out there."

"You're doing it again," I protested, my voice littered with pain and heartache. "You're deciding for me, out of some stupid notion that you're not worthy of me. Lex, please... This isn't what I want, I beg you to reconsider."

There wasn't even a trace of hesitation on his face when he shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. "The decision is final. If the trial is lost, I'm ending us. After some time has passed, you will come to see this is the best alternative."

He was serious about this; I could see it in his eyes. It was clear he'd taken the time to think about it before today, and the decision he'd taken was a solid one, built on analysis, calculations, and logic. He wasn't taking my feelings into consideration, only the cold and hard facts, the universal truths.

A new sort of anger rose inside of me, one born of desperation and sorrow. He was fucking serious about this. If the trial in less than a month was lost, I'd never see him again. He would push me out of his life without a second thought, thinking he was doing me a favor when in reality, he was ripping my heart out of my ribcage, tearing it into a million pieces.

This turmoil of emotion all focused on him, since he was the one inflicting them on me, the one who would ignore everything I'd say because he was convinced he was right.

"Fuck you, Lex," I hissed, spiteful. "Fuck you for not respecting my own choices. Fuck you for thinking you're doing the right thing with this."

He didn't say anything, didn't flinch, didn't answer. For the first time since I'd met him, I wanted to physically hurt him. I wanted to slap him so I would at least get a reaction from him, make his veil of pretense to fall. There was no way he was fine with this decision of his. He was hiding his true emotions, disguising his internal battle with indifference.

"I found the ring, you know. And my dad told me you'd asked for permission," I told him, malicious, needing to get a reaction from him. His impregnable mask cracked for a split second, quickly returning to its distant neutrality. "All of this might have changed your perspective on us, but not mine. Regardless of what happens in the future, I'll still love you, I'll still want to be a part of your life."

Standing up abruptly, I looked around, noticing people were eyeing us with curiosity. Fuck, we were making a scene. Wiping away the conflicted tears that were descending down my cheeks, I sent him a vehement glare.

"You are wrong for this, Lex. I hope you'll see it. I really do. This isn't what I want or what I need."

Overwhelmed by too many emotions to process, I took my light jacket off the stool near the one I'd been sitting on. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't be around him right now, not when he was being so obtuse and frustratingly stubborn.

"I'm... going back to Seattle today. I need to process all this, and so do you," I explained, knowing I wouldn't want to be back here tomorrow morning.

If he was disappointed that I wouldn't be back in the morning, he didn't show it, unreadable and apathetic. I loved his mind, I loved his strength, I loved the way he stuck to his convictions... But at this precise moment, I loathed all of that. He couldn't treat me like that, not again. Time should have taught him this wasn't right, that he shouldn't do this.

But somehow, he was convinced he was saving my life, certain this was the right move. In a way, he could be, by ensuring that I wouldn't spend a lifetime tied to him, half imprisoned with him even though I was on the outside.

"I'll see you next week," I said, sounding uncertain even to me. Knowing he had decided on such a terrible fate for us was hard to bear, I wasn't sure how to handle it.

After one last glance at his beloved face tenaciously holding everything within, I turned around, my jacket in hand.

It took everything I had, but I didn't turn back on my way out of the room. It probably was in an attempt at shocking some sense into him, but I already knew this was a lost cause. Even if he agreed to renounce on his decision to push me away, what insurance did I have he wouldn't do it one, two, three months in?

It seemed impossible how everything kept getting lower and lower. I'd thought I'd reached rock bottom by now, but today had proved me wrong. Knowing I might lose him forever, that I might be entirely cut from him for the rest of my life, had to be the lowest this situation could get.

• • •

Hours later, I had returned to my apartment, my mood still the poorest it had been since the beginning of all this.

After ten minutes of crying in the Mercedes in the parking lot of the prison, I'd calmed down enough to drive all the way back to Portland. I didn't want my parents to worry about me, especially after the conversation I'd had with dad. There was no need to add to their worries about me, and I refused to have them hate on Lex. While I didn't like what he was doing, I understood his motives. I doubted my parents would, since they didn't know him as well as I did.

I'd pretended to have a work emergency, forcing me to return up north sooner than intended. They hadn't seemed entirely convinced, but they'd accepted my excuse and wished me a safe drive home.

Tamika wouldn't be as easily fooled, so I was already prepared to tell her the truth—that Lex and I had a fight. From what she'd told me, Darius was coming to our place, since I wasn't supposed to be there, so I'd sent her a text, warning her I'd be home sooner than intended. She hadn't answered, so I worried I might surprise them in the middle of having sex in some random part of the apartment—again. Catching them doing it in the kitchen once was enough, I didn't need to renew the experience.

Making as much noise as I could, I opened the door and entered our shared home. Still overly noisy, I settled my things by the entrance, hoping Darius would hear me. The TV was on, so it either meant he wouldn't and I was fucked (like Tammy), or they were acting very PG-13 and there would be no need for some eye bleach.

As I entered the living area, I spotted them, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie I didn't know, the closed captions on. They looked adorable in each other's arms, wearing comfy clothes, Tammy with her orange and red hair wrap... They'd really grown close and comfortable together, and I was so happy for my friend and roommate to have found herself a good man.

They spotted me at the same time, and Tammy frowned, surprised to see me here.

"Hi," I told them with a hand wave. "Sorry to interrupt. There was a change of plans."

"Are you okay?" Tammy worried.

"Yeah, it's just... Something happened, and I preferred coming back home. I don't want to disturb you two, though, so I'll be in my room."

Waving again, I left them with my bag on my shoulder, to disappear into my bedroom. All I wanted was to shower, go to bed, and sleep the heartache away. I was just done putting my things down on the bed when someone knocked. Before I could go to it, the handle turned and the panel opened, revealing a worried Tammy.

"What happened?" she signed.

Reluctant to tell her, it took me a few seconds to take the leap. "We had a fight. I couldn't stay there. I need some time."

Sensing the distress I was under, she closed the door behind her and came to me, making me sit on the bed as she settled next to me. She insisted I told her everything, so I did, feeling the weight of it all slowly alleviate as I explained what had happened. Once I was done, she didn't know what to make of it, conflicted and just as lost as I was.

"It's okay, don't worry," I told her, giving her a small smile I hoped was reassuring.

"I'm so sorry, Dee... I understand your pain, and I understand why you feel the way you feel. But I can also understand his point, even though he isn't going at it the right way."

"Yeah, I know. That's why it's so frustrating. He won't budge from it, regardless of how hard I try. I get he wants to protect me, but I'm big enough to make my own decisions, mistakes included."

"Yeah, I get that. Maybe he'll come to see it."

"I doubt it." She winced, and I gave her a gentle tap on the knee. "It's okay, I swear. Go back to your man, you two were looking way too cute to let my issues interrupt your evening."

The mention of Darius had her smiling like a schoolgirl, and she offered me a sheepish smile. "I feel bad to have him so easily when you're struggling so much with Lex."

"What?! Oh, my God, don't! I'm so happy for you, you deserve all this, babe. Never let my situation take that happiness away from you. On the contrary;

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