【02】The Plea

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The world crumbled around me at what his words revealed. Helpless, I stood there, unable to form coherent thoughts, my heart shattering into a thousand tiny shards.

I'm taking the deal, Andrea.

His declaration resonated like the harshest of sentences within me. He was taking the deal. He would admit to having hacked into a federal database and gathering top-secret information. Once he did that, there was no turning back. Once he admitted to this federal crime, he would go to prison for ten years at the very least.

If he did that, there would be no more hope to have him exonerated of those crimes. It wasn't as bad as the possibility of spending his life in prison, but it was still terrible in so many ways.

This wasn't happening. No. This wasn't real.

"No, you're not," I let out, too shocked to think of anything else to say.

"Andrea, my decision is final. I'm not risking life in prison."

"But you could also get no prison at all. Lex, you can't lose hope. Please, don't do this."

"I can do ten years. I will still have half of my life to live when I come out. But if we lose the trial, they might as well give me the death sentence."

"Don't say that. I'm sure you can win. Your attorneys can win. You're acting like there are only two options, dismissing the third one entirely."

"I would rather pick the sure outcome than gamble on one I have no control over."

"But there must be another possibility. There's no way they'll find you guilty, they don't have enough evidence."

"They have plenty of evidence, Andrea. And I am guilty; of what they accuse me of and of things they don't even know about. If they get one incriminating evidence, I'm done. I can't take that risk."

Tears gathered at my chin, which was how I realized I was crying. "But what of us, Lex? Aren't you willing to fight for us? Are you expecting me to wait for you for ten years?"

"No."

The gravity of his tone, the terrible meaning behind the single syllable, tore my heart apart. He was taking the deal, and he wasn't expecting me to wait for him.

"What does this mean?" I asked, hoping with everything I had this was a misunderstanding.

"Because my fate is sealed for the next ten years, it doesn't mean yours has to be too. I don't have a choice, but you do. When I'm away, I want you to live your life, to move on, and to find someone who truly deserves you."

His detached words knocked the air out of my lungs, as efficiently as if he'd punch me in the chest.

So after everything, that was it.

This was the way we ended.

He would take the deal, go to prison for a decade, and I would have to move on. He was giving up on us, rolling over, refusing to fight. I couldn't believe this. After everything we'd been through, after all the things he'd told me, after he'd pretended to love me so much, he was abandoning me.

"You're not even going to fight for us?" I accused, my eyes glaring at him through a mix of despair and anger.

"I'm doing what is best for everyone."

"You are what's best for me. But if you take this deal, you will kill our story before it even has a chance to start."

"This for us separately; not for us together. I understand your anger, I understand why you're feeling betrayed, but trust me, Andrea, this is the best solution. You'll see it with time." He was being pragmatic, controlled. His heart had no place in this decision, his brain taking the lead. He'd made his calculations, and this was the only logical solution he could see.

"I don't think I ever will, Lex. You're giving up on us. You're not even trying to fight? I thought you loved me? I thought you'd do everything for me?"

My lack of cooperation was frustrating to him. As much as he tried to remain stoic and firm, I could see hesitation slowly gaining on him. He had to realize how definitive his decision was. The instant he would take that deal, our fate was sealed, forever gone, forever stolen from us. Even without considering us, ten years was too much. Lex couldn't spend that long imprisoned, especially when the alternative might be none at all.

"I'm doing this for you," he eventually said. "I'm doing this so you don't commit perjury when they ask you to testify because I know you will. I'm doing this because when I take the deal, it all ends. You won't be put on the stand, it won't smear all of this mess onto you, it won't drag you through this shit show."

"Once more, you're making my own decisions for me, then? Taking my choices away? Haven't you learned anything, Alexander?"

"It's also my decision to make. My life is on the line, I'm in charge of this."

"And I can accept that. But don't you dare pretend this is for me! Don't you know by now that I would do anything for you? I will support you all the way, I will bear the trial process, I will be there for you through all of it, Lex."

"I'm not dragging you to hell with me."

"I'll be in hell, regardless! But if I have a choice, I'd rather be in it with you."

"And this is killing me," he roared, his control finally breaking. "I'd do anything to protect you and knowing you are willing to take so many risks for me is torture. You're not coming down with me, Andrea. I won't let you."

"Don't you understand there's no 'me' without you anymore?!" I let out, my voice turning into an uncontrollable sob. "I can't do this without you, Lex. You're a part of me, you're my entire world."

As if it was impossible to repress, he took a step toward me, wanting to comfort me, needing to hold me. But his infuriating control took over again, and he kept a safe distance between us. He was doing the best he could to make this as easy as possible, even though none of it was. If he held me, I'd never let him go, and I suspected the other way around was just as true.

"So this is it?" I sobbed, in one last, final attempt to make him change his mind. "You're taking the deal and ending us? Do you think anything will be left of you once you come out, after ten years imprisoned? How can this be the best alternative, Lex?"

"This is the only way I can be in control. The only way I can decide what happens."

Of course. This was about him controlling the narrative, making a calculated decision, not leaving anything to chance. The reasonable and thought-through decision made no sense to my bleeding heart. Where was the hope? Where was the love? Where was his faith?

By taking the deal, he was delivering two sentences. His and our story's.

"I can't believe this is how we end," I struggled to say.

"Once more, this is how our story ends, but not us as individuals. You will move on eventually, and this will all become a thing of the past. Our story will slowly become a distant memory, and that's when you'll see what I'm doing is the right thing."

"It's impossible, Lex. I can never forget about you, never let you go. Can you ever forget about me?" He hesitated, his features tensed and troubled. Of course, the answer was no. The truth was the same one for both of us.

"For the next decade, you will be the only thing on my mind, Andrea. When I'm locked up, waiting for the years to pass, I'll think of you. I'll be hoping you've moved on, that you're having the life you deserve, the family you want, and a man who loves you as much as I do. You have always been a breath of life, and I'll be hoping this is exactly what you're doing; living."

His confession was the last drop. The ultimate blow to my shattered heart. This wasn't fair. None of it was. Not when we'd struggled so hard to find each other.

Unable to hold back, I threw myself on his broad frame, touching him for the first time in three days. With my arms tightly wound around him, I held onto him, my temple pressed against the strong wall of his chest.

"I want a family with you. I want you by my side. I want a lifetime with you. None of this matters if I'm not doing them with you."

His arms remained at his sides, stiff and unwilling to hug me back. Fuck, he truly wasn't changing his mind. He was really taking that deal, really ending what we had, really spending the next decade in prison.

At that moment, I hated him as I'd never hated him before. Fuck his resolve. Fuck his brain. Fuck his logic. Fuck his pragmatic mind. I hated him for not fighting. I hated him for not hugging me back. I hated him for taking this decision without taking my opinion into account. This was supposed to be our lives, tied as one. I'd thought we were in this together, but this was the painful reminder that we'd only been together for so many months, that despite the immeasurable love we had for one another, nothing else was tying us together. I was just his girlfriend; a momentary paramour.

I hated him so much that I wanted to tell him, to let him know how he'd broken me, how he'd ruined the last of me. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting.

But I knew he was.

Despite how detached and cold he was, I knew the internal turmoil he must have been going through. He was being strong for me, holding back for me. He was trying to rip this off like a band-aid, trying to make it as efficient and painless as possible, but I was making it so incredibly hard for him.

"I love you," I professed, my declaration muffled by the fine fabric of his shirt.

A few seconds passed, and he didn't say it back. However, his arms lost their battle, and he wrapped them around me, holding me tenderly. This was our last time doing this. Our last time embracing, our last time touching.

In a few minutes, he would be brought in front of the judge. He would plead guilty to a fraction of the crimes he'd committed in exchange for ten years of his life. From then, he would be sentenced and charged, brought straight to federal prison for an entire decade.

This isn't happening...

We remained in this poignant silence, vaguely hearing the activity outside the room. His strong, familiar heart was beating against my ear, and I tried to memorize everything about it, aware I would never hear this again.

"Don't do it," I begged. This couldn't be our last moment. This couldn't be our story. I refused to accept it. "Don't take the deal. Let us fight for your freedom. Give us a chance to win."

Three soft knocks came from the door behind me, and I tightened my hold on him. Lex's large hands clasped my shoulders, and he gently pushed me away, silently asking me to let go. When I looked up at his handsome face, he avoided my gaze, holding onto the last shreds of strength he had in him. The panel opened, and I had no choice but to comply, moving away from his comforting hold. The lawyers came in as I wiped the tears from my cheeks, trying to erase the proofs of my dismay.

"Mr. Coleman, it's time to go. Are we to proceed as agreed?"

Despite him not looking at me, I begged him with my eyes, begged him to say no, to change his mind. In the end, it was pointless. Lex had made his decision, and as he'd warned me, it was final.

"Yes, we're taking the deal," he told them.

His gray irises finally met my desperate eyes, and I read the apology in them. Allowing himself one ultimate show of tenderness, his hand reached for the back of my head, right above my nape, and he brought me closer to him. His lips met my forehead for a lingering, sad, and poignant instant. With my fingers clasped around his wrist, I tried to keep him right there, wanting this moment to last forever.

But it ended too soon for my tastes, and he pressed his forehead against the spot he'd so lovingly kissed.

"I'm sorry, Andrea. I hope you can forgive me one day." Moving back, he straightened his jacket, turned his impassive mask on, and turned to his counselors. "Let's go."

The following moments were a blur, as I was barely conscious, devastated by the turn of events I hadn't seen coming. Minutes ago, upon arriving at the courthouse, I'd been so full of hope and faith. I'd been so certain Lex would leave with me by the end of the prelims, that this nightmare would end.

But now, all of this was gone. Lex wouldn't be free again for the next ten years. And there was nothing I could do about it.

More tears welled up in my eyes, hopelessness taking over every other thought. This was the end of us. He, himself, acknowledged that. He knew what taking the deal meant, and he was still willing to take that decision. He was renouncing his freedom, our story, me. He was doing what he thought was best, what logic dictated.

I had to respect his decision, but it felt so wrong, it was incredibly hard to swallow it. This couldn't be our story.

Some noise outside brought me back to reality, and I suddenly remembered I needed to get to the trial before they closed the doors and denied me entrance. I had to be there for him, regardless of what would happen in the following hours. Despite our upcoming ending, we needed each other for a little longer.

The security guard closed the door right behind me as I entered the courtroom. It was packed, filled with curious people, journalists, individuals of the law... This was going to be like a great show to them, the first step of Nammota's prosecution. The first chapter of the famous hacker's downfall.

Kevin's blond hair was easy to spot, and right next to him, Michelle. There was a free seat next to her, and I walked toward it, trying my best to take care of my runny makeup. The fingers I swiped under my eyes came back smudged with mascara, and I didn't want to imagine how awful I must have looked.

As expected, it was impossible to hide that I'd cried, and Shelly and Kev's concern was instantaneous. "What happened?" she worriedly asked.

With a voice low enough so the surrounding people couldn't hear, I explained the reason for my state. "He... They made him a deal. Ten years of prison if he pleads guilty on one count of cyber hacking into a federal database."

"I guess it's generous of them, given the charges against him, but it's still too much. Lex won't do well in prison, just his money alone will get him in trouble. I'm sure his lawyers can get him out of the whole thing untouched."

"No. He's taking the deal," I explained, my voice cracking with agony. "He'd prefer the ten years over the potential lifetime." Shock, pain, and doubt crossed their faces as they failed to grasp what this meant.

A door to the right opened, and Lex was escorted in by two armed guards, his lawyers following closely. He scanned the room, the trail of his gaze stopping on us. Before it could linger, one of the officers pressed him to keep walking, pushing him toward the defense's side.

They all sat, the attorneys putting some of their things out on the table, the prosecution already installed on their own half of the room.

"Please rise," the bailiff demanded. When everyone was up, he proceeded to introduce the judge who would preside, and a big and broad man in a black robe entered through a door behind the judge's bench. He sat, shuffling through the pile of papers he had in his hands.

"Everyone may be seated," he announced. After that, the members of the prosecution introduced themselves, then the ones of the defense. "As I understand it, the prosecution has offered a plea deal to the defendant?"

My heart hammered in my chest like a drum. There it was. The moment that would change everything, that would seal our fate, that would condemn Lex.

"Yes, your honor," the woman in charge of the prosecution confirmed.

"And what are the conditions to this deal?"

"For pleading guilty to one count of gathering national defense information, including top-secret information, the accused will be condemned for the maximum sentence for the crime, so two hundred and ten months. We offered it to be a split sentencing, with ten years in federal prison, and seven and a half years on probation."

The judge went through his papers once more, probably in an attempt to grasp the depth of the case. From what I'd understood, Lex "only" getting ten years, given the extent of the crimes he was accused of, was quite lenient. It was why he was so quick to accept it. Ten years was nothing compared to the alternative; given all the cybercrimes he'd committed.

He'd told me I would understand, eventually. That I would see his point, see he didn't have a choice, and as lost as I had been moments before, I could now see it. Ten years seemed like a lot, but scaled to a human life, it was only one-ninth of it. Maybe it was better to sacrifice one-ninth of your life than to risk the entire rest of it.

"I have spent the morning reviewing the charges against the accused," the judge explained. "From what I understand, Mr. Coleman is to be held accountable on several charges of accessing secured national databases, stealing classified information from military departments, national intelligence, and several federal administrations. I also see there are charges of fraudulent activities involving money transfers, which may amount to well over four hundred million."

Fuck, when everything was put like this, ten years didn't seem that bad. If they irrevocably linked Lex to Nammota, he would lose so much more than the rest of his life. Men like Julian Assange or Edward Snowden were living proof of how far those things could get.

Everything about this was so complicated. It was a dilemma between two deeply unsatisfying outcomes. The fact that we could lose the trial was putting everything in perspective, making me wonder if picking the ten years wasn't indeed the best choice.

The judge hesitated, focused on the papers sprawled in front of him. He could refuse the plea deal if he deemed it too little. I would have hoped for him to refuse five minutes ago, but now, I desperately wanted him to give Lex this chance, this opportunity.

"The court accepts the terms of the deal that was offered to the defense by the prosecution," he eventually declared. Relief flooded me. Lex could make the choice he'd decided on. He could keep control of his life, even if ten years of it were to be taken away from him.

"Mr. Coleman, please rise." Lex stood from his chair, following the judge's injunction. "If I accept your guilty plea, you will be convicted of the crime to which you are pleading guilty today, and you will not have a trial. Do you understand?"

"I understand, your honor."

"There are constitutional rights you would have at a trial, but you are giving them up permanently in this case by pleading guilty. I need to make sure you understand the rights you are giving up. You give up the right to enter or continue a plea of not guilty, and to have a trial by jury with a lawyer assisting you. You give up the right to be presumed innocent, and the right to have the government prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you are guilty. You give up the right to watch and listen as the witnesses against you testify, and the right to confront those witnesses. You give up the right to choose whether to testify or to remain silent during the trial."

As I'd understood it, If Lex pled guilty, it was all over. He couldn't change his mind down

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