65| I'm Better Than You, Logan Pierce

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65| I'm Better Than You, Logan Pierce

EVERYTHING officially hit me. I was officially freaking the fuck out.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, the gold graduation gown covering over the dress shirt I wore underneath. The graduation cap was sitting on my vanity just waiting for me to put it on. But I couldn't do it just yet. I was freaking out, stuck in place, staring at myself in the mirror and unable to move. I was giving a huge speech today, graduating, and not to mention, getting momentous news that would either make or break my college career.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of a hyperbole. But still. It was still a lot.

"Noah, honey!" My mom yelled from downstairs. "We have to leave any minute now! Are you almost dressed and ready to go?"

I sighed and finally built up the courage to grab the cap and place it on top of my head. The red tassel fell to the side and I left my room. I walked downstairs to meet my mom who was waiting for me. Her smile grew at the sight of me.

"You look so handsome! Ugh, my boy is so grown up," my mom gushed, stepping forward to fix the way my gown was.

"Thanks, mom."

"Okay. We have to go. Your father and sister are already in the car. Time to head out!" My mom exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

The car ride to the school was nerve-wracking. The graduation ceremony was always held in our football stadium, so it wasn't a long car ride. But that didn't change the fact that I was shitting my pants. I was valedictorian, giving the biggest speech of my life thus far. What if I didn't remember everything I wrote? What if I got up to the podium and had the biggest stutter of my life? Or what if I just straight up passed out?

"You're not gonna pass out," Amelia said, shaking her head.

"Did I say that out loud?"

"You said all of it out loud," Amelia informed me. "Even the part about you shitting your pants."

"Language, Amelia," my mom warned.

Amelia shrugged. We pulled up to the school parking lot and my parents and I went separate ways. I made my way towards the field where all of the seniors were standing in neat, organized lines waiting for the music to start to play. Then, we would all walk and find our seats on the chairs on the field and the graduation ceremony would begin.

I walked around the field until I found Logan and the others all lined up next to each other. I smiled and ran up behind Logan, wrapping my arms around her. She spun around to face me, grinning and pressing her lips gently against mine. That feeling would never get old.

"Noah Locke," Jordan greeted me, slapping my hand.

"The man with the speech," Cayden said. "Is our amazing valedictorian ready to blow us all away?"

"I might be," I said.

"Well that wasn't very confident," Logan said.

"I can't help it. It's a big speech," I said.

"You've got it in the bag, man," Troy pitched in. "On a completely unrelated note, can you believe who's singing our class song?"

"Don't get me started on that," Logan said, rolling her eyes. The guys turned their attention towards a different conversation and Logan smiled up at me. She laced our hands together. "Have the nerves hit?"

I nodded. "Hit like a bus this morning. I think I had an existential crisis in the shower. I couldn't stop staring at the tiles on the wall thinking about how I might die today."

"You are such a drama queen. You're not gonna die today," Logan said.

"But I might. What if I slip on ice while I'm on stage during my speech and fall off?"

"We're in Georgia, there's no reason you'd slip. It's like nine hundred degrees today."

"Okay, but what if I just walk up the steps and face plant? Thus knocking myself out."

Logan grabbed at the sides of my face. "You are not going to face plant. Stop thinking about the what-ifs or you might die freaking yourself out," she said.

I sighed. "Can't help it." She released her hands from my face and held my hand again. "Have you... seen your parents?" I asked.

Logan looked down towards our hands and shook her head. "Let's not talk about it?"

"We won't talk about it," I agreed. Things were complicated with her and her parents. I didn't want to overstep any boundaries or push her to answer me.

"The Grigio's are here for me, though," she said, laughing. Her eyes met mine. "Never in my life would I have thought that the Grigio's would be my only type of family at my high school graduation."

"How does it feel to have Sebastian Grigio as a brother?" I teased.

Logan groaned. "That's another thing not to get me started on. He basically harasses me every night. He tried to serenade me last night with the graduation theme."

"How do you-"

"-serenade someone with a song that has no words?" Logan asked, finishing my sentence. "Trust me, Locke, it's not something you want to know the answer to."

Speaking of the graduation theme, that's when it started playing. I smiled down at Logan and squeezed her hand before letting go so she could stand in front of me in a single-file line. It was time to walk to our seats and then the ceremony would begin.

I'd been working towards this day for the past 4 years. Doing everything I could to make my dreams of going to Stanford and playing volleyball come true. And now here I was. I was going to play volleyball no matter what. I was even the valedictorian, giving the biggest speech ever. And on top of that, today was the deciding day in whether I would get the biggest most prestigious scholarship of my life. Maybe to others, it seems like I'm overreacting. That it's just a scholarship and not a huge deal. But to me, it was more.

My parents hadn't been forcing me to be the best like Logan's parents. I was working for this all on my own. It was my own life goal. And I needed to meet the goal. I was still a competitive asshole even though my number one competitor was now someone I was madly in love with.

And as a competitive asshole, I really wanted that damn scholarship.

✯ ✯ ✯

Everyone was clapping as the choir finished singing their own rendition of The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Noah and I had been quietly singing along in our seats, simultaneously annoying the shit out of Bianca. But we couldn't help ourselves. We loved Hannah Montana. And by default, Miley Cyrus was Hannah Montana. And when Hannah Montana was playing, you bet Noah and I were singing.

Jeremy, Gracie, and Bianca had all placed a bet on whether I was going to cry at graduation or not. We'd agreed that Gracie and Jeremy would, Bianca definitely wouldn't, but apparently, it was iffy with me. They went back and forth before finally deciding that I was going to cry. Although, as of this morning, I was aware that most of the boy's volleyball team had gotten involved in the bet as well. Most of them bet that I wouldn't cry. Whoever won would collect 10 bucks from each participant. Like it was a game of goddamn Monopoly or some shit.

The choir then moved on to sing Strawberry Swing by OneRepublic. I couldn't pay much attention, instead reverting my attention to the bleachers. Crowds of parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, you get the point. Even if I searched hard enough, I probably wouldn't be able to tell if my parents were there or not. But I couldn't help myself from searching still. And I got a strong feeling that they weren't here.

Maybe I was overthinking it. I was always overthinking. My mind just wouldn't shut up.

Last night after Sebastian left me alone, I was watching Chris D'elia stand-up on Netflix when suddenly, something hit me. The overwhelmingly powerful feeling that my parents hated me. And I hated them. And they weren't going to ever speak to me again. And they weren't going to come to my high school graduation. And so many more things.

My mind had been running wild. I expected the feeling to go away this morning, but it just became even more intense. I did a good job hiding it from my friends and from Noah, mostly staying away from the topic as a whole. But I wasn't fooling myself. My heart was beating like crazy and there was an incessant feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Not the good kind of butterflies, but the bad, nervous kind. The kind that is so persistent to the point of making you uncomfortable.

I snapped out of my thoughts right as the choir finished their song and the principal walked up to the podium. Noah sat up straight next to me and instinctively, I squeezed his hand. He was about to go up and give his speech and I could tell just how nervous he was.

We were both nervous as hell today.

"It is at this time that we would like to introduce our most accomplished student at our school. He is a scholar-athlete, captain of the boy's volleyball team. And at the top of his class, we are proud to announce him as our 2019 valedictorian!" The principal exclaimed. "Give it up for Noah Locke!"

Noah sent me a smile before standing up, making his way to the makeshift stage. He took his place behind the podium, lightly tapping at the microphone to check if it was working even though the principal had just used it 2 seconds ago. I chuckled a bit and he looked out towards the crowd, smiling. His smile warmed my heart even from a far distance.

"Hello, class of 2019. Looks like we made it!" Noah started, earning a few cheers from random seniors in the crowd. "But really, here we are. It's graduation day and I don't know about any of you, but I never really thought this day would come. It seemed so far away on the first day of freshman year. It felt like the time would never come and high school would drag on forever. But that wasn't the case in the slightest bit. Not for me, that is.

"I was a completely different person when I started high school. I'm sure all of us can relate to that fact. We're not exactly the same as we used to be. And that's a good thing. We've all changed, morphed into the people we've become today. We're exactly where we're supposed to be, right here, right now."

Noah's eyes caught mine and he smiled. He smiled for me. "Going into senior year was the scariest thing ever to me. It's the year that we have to figure our shit out." He turned and smiled weakly at the principal as if apologizing for the bad language. The crowd was met with laughter.

"It's the year we have to figure everything out," he corrected himself. "The year we have to decide what we want to do with our lives, where we want to go to college, if we want to go to college. We have so many choices to make and we're just a bunch of naive teenagers. Teenagers that still live with their parents and rely on them to be role models for us. And for some, it's harder than others.

"It's the year of realizing stuff, in the words of the great Kylie Jenner. And I don't know about all of you, but I sure as hell realized a lot of stuff this year. I realized what true friends are, just how important they are to have and to hold onto. I realized how hard life can be sometimes. How tough certain trials and life can be, but there is always a way to get through it. And above all, I realized what love means. I realized just how strong love is. Just how powerful it is. Not just with the girl I love, but with the people I love who I surround myself around."

I smiled and... what was that? It couldn't be. A tear threatening to escape my eye?

"Life is nothing without love. Without being able to care about people and surround yourself with the people who matter most to you. People who lift you up rather than bring you down. It's cliche, but it's just true.

"I'd like to step away from the emotional cliches to end off my speech with a piece of advice for all of us."

Yep, it was definitely a tear. And now it was rolling down my cheek.

"We will continue to face countless challenges in our lives, countless hardships. And we'll think there's no possible way we'll get through it. There's no possible way we'll be able to move past the shit we're going through. Pardon my language..."

I rolled my eyes at him. I was sure he could tell I had done so even without looking at me.

"But we need to remember that these challenges are not going to come to us just to break us down. Just to put us through a tough time. No. Challenges come and you can't just sit back and give up. You have to face it head-on. You have to be able to face the challenge and not be afraid of failure. Because failure is a big part of life. Rejection is a big part of life. It's just how life works.

"But each challenge you go through, whether it involves school, relationships, or family-" Noah paused briefly, his eyes connecting with mine again, "-just know that you will get through it. You can do it because even if you are scared out of your mind, even if you have no idea what the hell you're doing... you'll figure it out."

Another tear. Oh my god, this was so infuriating. I wiped it away and Noah never looked away from me.

"We each live our own lives with our own truths. And as long as you stay true to who you are, as long as you don't run away..." He winked and I laughed as another tear rolled down my cheek, "... then you'll conquer each challenge you face."

The crowd erupted into applause and so did I.

"She cried!" Jeremy exclaimed. I looked over at him and rolled my eyes as he motioned towards the volleyball boys behind him. "You owe us all 10 bucks."

I didn't even care that I cried. I usually would because it was weak to cry. But I accepted it today, knowing that it wasn't weak of me to cry. It was totally acceptable.

Noah walked back to sit beside me, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," I said back. "And your stupid speech."

Noah chuckled and the principal went back up to the microphone. "Now before we get on with this ceremony, I would like to present the student chosen to sing this year's class song," he said. Noah and I looked at each other, both rolling our eyes. "Here to sing We're All In This Together, give it up for Clay!"

And Porkchop made his way to the stage.

Yes, Porkchop.

No, he can't sing.

Yes, we all loved it regardless.

Once the entirety of the senior class was announced, walking up to the stage and grabbing our diplomas, the ceremony came to an end with one final song played by the band. Once they finished, parents and family members made their way down to the field to take pictures with their children and to congratulate them. It was supposed to be an emotional, yet happy moment for all families.

Not mine.

As Noah's parents met us down on the field, I continued to search around. Holding onto the hope that my parents might be here. The Grigio's came over to congratulate me. Gracie's family did, too. I took pictures with my friends and with Noah, all while still trying to find out if my own family had shown up. It surely seemed like they weren't here.

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder and I knew it was Alice. "Oh honey," she said.

"They aren't here," I said under my breath. "I don't know why I really thought they would've been. How stupid am I?"

"You are not stupid, Logan," his mom said. "Come on. We can all go celebrate still, right? We'll have a big, celebratory lunch at La Belle's."

I weakly smiled and nodded as Alice let go of me and started heading towards the parking lot. Amelia and Noah's dad followed behind her and Noah walked over to me, grabbing my hand. He didn't say anything before we started walking to follow them.

I always imagined this day differently. It was a good day, don't get me wrong. I had spent the ceremony sitting by my friends, Noah had given his amazing speech, and I'd witnessed Porkchop singing a High School Musical classic. I couldn't deny that I was happy. But I wasn't only happy. I was upset, too. And it was showing more than it had been earlier.

Billie was supposed to be here. She was supposed to be my normal sister, attending my high school graduation with hopefully a normal boyfriend. She wasn't supposed to be addicted to drugs and actively ruining my life.

My parents were supposed to be here. They were supposed to be cheering me on, being proud of me for my decisions. They weren't supposed to hate me just because I didn't choose the same path as my sister. Just because I threw that dream away for them.

I was stuck in my head. As we walked up the concrete steps and towards the parking lot, I couldn't think of anything else besides the fact that this day wasn't what it was supposed to be. It was almost perfect. With Noah by my side, no day could fully suck. But still, that was the overwhelming feeling right now.

"Logan!"

My heart stopped. Noah didn't let go of my hand but registered the voice the same as I had. We both stopped, turning around together. If I did it alone, I might have gone insane. But I did it with Noah.

My parents ran up towards us. Their eyes were slightly watery and as I looked into them, I couldn't stop myself from moving forward, wrapping my arms around them in a tight hug. I don't remember the last time I hugged them. The last time I felt their arms wrap around me. The last time they spoke nice words to me. But as they pulled away, the nice words were finally spoken.

"We couldn't miss our daughter's graduation," my mom said.

"No matter the terms we've been on," my dad added.

"We've been, well... assholes," my mom said and laughed. "We've been assholes to you. We realized that once Billie visited us again."

"We've been taking our frustrations out on you and it's been unfair. We realize how selfish we've been with your life," my dad said. "We're proud of you, Logan. We are. We just-"

"You don't have to explain yourselves," I interrupted. There was fear in their eyes as if I were about to tell them to fuck off. Or yell at them. "Come celebrate with us," was what I said instead.

I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to be angry. I just wanted my parents to be proud of me. And they were saying they were. It was all I ever wanted.

Maybe today could be perfect.

✯ ✯ ✯

During lunch, my parents actually talked to me about things other than grades and volleyball. They still asked me if I really hated volleyball, to which I responded, "Yes, it makes me a bitch." But I appreciated that they were trying and they really were. They wanted to hear about how I decided on M.I.T., how I knew that I wanted to learn more about physics, everything. They truly heard me out, wanting to know every little detail. They even asked Noah about his own

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