63| I'm 50 Shades of Fucked-Up

THE psychoanalytic perspective was associated with Sigmund Freud. It largely focused on the role of unconscious conflicts to determine behavior and personality. The cerebral cortex regulates most complex behaviors like motor control, sensations, and decision-making. Rods are visual receptors cells that are sensitive to light, but not to color. They're responsible for black and white vision and peripheral vision.

I finished circling the last bubble on my test right as the bell rang. I smiled to myself knowing that I had aced it. The psychology test was my last final. Not of the day. It was my last final being in high school forever. It was surreal and exciting all at once.

I sprung up from my chair and as did the rest of the class, cheering as we ran into the hallways. Last day of school for seniors meant throwing every piece of paper, every homework assignment, every graded test onto the floors of the hallways around the school. Most people did that, anyway. But I kept my assignments and study guides. I would probably find them useful one day, is what I liked to tell myself.

"SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!" Troy yelled, suddenly appearing beside me and grabbing my shoulders. He released his hold and grinned at me. "Did I sneak up on you again?"

"As always, Troy," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Sorry, man. But hey! School's out, my dude!" He exclaimed. "You heading up to the beach with us later tonight?"

"Obviously," I said. "I'm driving up with Logan and Porkchop."

"Sick. I'll see you then, my man!" Troy yelled, then running towards the exit doors.

I finally got outside, heading straight towards my Jeep. I could already see Logan standing by the passenger side and Porkchop was standing by the back doors. They were laughing about something I assumed was a dumb think Porkchop said. She turned around and saw me as I walked over towards her and she smiled.

"Jeep boy," she greeted me.

"Pierce," I said, immediately wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her.

"Jeep boy?" Porkchop asked. "Logan, if you forgot his name, it's Noah."

Logan rolled her eyes. "Right, sorry PC."

"Let's head out, why don't we?" I said, going over to the front seat. We all hopped in and I started to drive off, heading in the direction of the cafe in town. A celebratory drink was in store for all 3 of us as we'd finished the last finals of our entire high school careers. It was insanity.

"I think I might have demolished that final," Porkchop said, leaning his body forward with his arms on the back of both of our seats.

"Oh yeah, you took the AP physics final, didn't you?" I asked.

"Yes sir," Porkchop confirmed.

"And you think you did well?" Logan asked. I shot her a look that told her not to doubt Porkchop and she just shrugged.

"I definitely did well. I mean, every answer was B," Porkchop said.

"You did not color in B for every answer," Logan said, turning around to face him.

"What have I told you, Logan? You have to B aggressive!" Porkchop exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. "Now would you play some pump-up music, please? I need to celebrate!"

I rolled my eyes and turned on Porkchop's favorite song as we drove down the streets of Columbus.

"Bingo by Jacob Sartorious? Are you kidding me?" Logan groaned.

"IT'S MY FAVORITE SONG!" Porkchop defended before singing along to every lyric.

And you know what? I joined in, too. Logan grumbled at first but soon joined in herself. I knew she couldn't resist a good sing-along. Even if it was Jacob Sartorious blaring through the speakers. It earned us plenty of weird looks from other seniors driving through the streets, but we couldn't give a single shit.

"BINGO, BINGO!" Porkchop practically screamed.

You could say that we were on top of the world.

✯ ✯ ✯

"Charlie, I cannot believe you seriously brought the P-word to our barbecue," I said, shaking my head as I cooked up some steaks.

A huge group of us were having a cookout on Acworth beach, celebrating being done with high school. Of course, Charlie was here because Savannah had invited him despite the fact that he was a freshman. And like the fool he was, he had brought porkchops.

"Did you not learn your lesson at the team bonding barbecue?" Jordan asked, shaking his head in disappointment.

"I didn't think it would happen again!" Charlie exclaimed. He was currently holding an ice pack against his head. Porkchop had already chased Charlie down the beach, tackling him and acting like a maniac. As per usual when someone would bring porkchops into the equation.

"You thought wrong, Charles. You thought wrong," I said.

I continued grilling the steaks and looked over, watching the girls who were all sitting in a circle on the beach laughing about who-knows-what. I could see Logan smiling and laughing at something Bianca was saying. I was addicted to seeing her smile. It made everything in my life worth it.

I never believed in love. I never believed that I would fall in love. Not because I wasn't worthy of the feeling, not because my only other relationship had ended in a coming out ceremony. It was only because I never thought love was a true concept. I believed it was only that of movies and fictional books. I believed that love was only meant for the people you would read about or the people you would watch on the big screen in a movie theater. Falling in love was meant for the lives of people who didn't even exist. But I knew my beliefs weren't true when Logan came along. When I dropped all of my hatred for her and started to see who she really was on the inside. Not a vindictive, competitive bitch that was full of herself. Rather, a beautiful, sarcastic girl that just needed someone to love her. Someone she could open up to. I believed I was a capable candidate.

Just watching her sitting in the sand, laying back and perched up on her elbows made me happy. Like I could be here on this beach with her forever, even if I wasn't right beside her right now. We were close enough that my heart felt full. Complete.

"Noah," Tanner's voice came from behind me, breaking me out of my inner monologue. "Steaks almost done?"

I nodded. "Yeah, any second now," I said.

Music was playing lightly as everyone got up and grabbed food. Options of steak, burgers, hot dogs, or (of course) porkchops. We all sat on the beach as we ate, talking about finals. Talking about how glad we were to be done with finals. Porkchop shared his confidence when it came to his AP Physics final test, earning him weird looks from practically everyone. But no one could tell Porkchop that they didn't believe in his technique. We all just smiled and nodded.

Once we'd finished eating and it was darker, the music cranked up. Everyone got up, disposing of the paper plates before dancing and playing drinking games. Tanner and Bianca were going head-to-head in a game of beer pong, Chad was chugging as many beers as he could in 2 minutes, inevitably on his way to a blackout. Logan and I stayed and watched Tanner and Bianca face off.

"Oh hell yeah!" Bianca yelled when she scored another ball in one of Tanner's cups. "Drink up, boy. Drink. Up."

Tanner reluctantly grabbed the cup before bringing it to his mouth, downing the drink and slamming it on the table once he finished. "You're gonna pay for that one, Bianca."

As Tanner was about to take his turn, he suddenly stopped, looking up towards the parking lot of the beach and furrowing his eyebrows. I turned around to see what he was looking at. It was dark, but I could vaguely make out the silhouette of a familiar person walking our way.

"Great," I muttered as the figure walked closer. I held Logan close beside me, hoping she wouldn't turn to see who it was. But unfortunately, she did. And her once happy face was replaced with a grimace.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Logan asked, pulling out of my embrace and walking closer towards the unwelcome visitor.

"Logan, I need you," Billie said. The dim light of the string lights hung near the beer pong table barely lit up her face, revealing a complete mess. She looked as if she hadn't slept in weeks and she'd been going through terrible withdrawal. She must have been completely out of drugs.

"I don't want to hear it," Logan snapped.

Bianca stepped away from the table and towards Logan and Billie, crossing her arms. "Billie," she said.

"Bianca."

"Get out of here," Bianca said. "You're not welcome."

"Last time I checked, this isn't a private beach. So I can be here all I want," Billie retorted. "Just let me talk to my goddamn sister."

"Where's your boyfriend?" Logan asked before Bianca could say something else. I felt on edge just witnessing this. It was the first time I'd seen Billie since she was a senior in high school. The first time I'd seen how Logan was around her. Visibly tense and irritable. The last thing I wanted was for her night to be ruined once again by her sister.

"He's in the car passed out," Billie said. "Please Logan just... I need money."

Logan scoffed. "Seriously? You're back here to ask me about money again? You're seriously unbelievable."

"Come on! Look at me! I look like I'm freaking dying!" Billie exclaimed, stepping closer towards Logan. I quickly stepped closer towards Logan, placing my hand on her arm. Billie looked at me up and down, then rolled her eyes. "The boyfriend in the flesh. Noah Locke. I remember you."

"What's it to you?" Logan said.

"The parents are going to kill you if they hear about this. You being here drinking with your little high school boyfriend," Billie said.

"And let me guess, you're going to go tell them?" I asked.

"I'm gonna do whatever I want," Billie said.

"Go for it, bitch," Bianca snapped. "You telling them won't do shit. So I suggest you run off with your crackhead boyfriend and find some other way to get your dirty drug money."

"What gives you the right-" Billie started to speak, but before she finished her sentence, Logan was punching her in the face. With her right hand.

Billie stumbled back, holding onto her face. She glared at Logan and Logan cursed under her breath, holding onto her wrist. It was still injured. Surely punching someone wasn't going to help make it feel better.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Billie yelled. "Oh, you are so dead, Logan!"

"Eat it, bitch!" Bianca yelled, then grabbing one of the cups full of beer and throwing it at Billie's face, drenching her hair.

Billie glared at Bianca and then back at Logan. "Fuck you," Billie shot out. "Mom and dad will hear about this."

"Doesn't matter. I'm not nearly as bad as you," Logan fought back.

Billie huffed and then turned and walked away, leaving the way she came. Hopping into her car and driving away in an instant. I turned to Logan who was still holding her wrist, wincing in pain as I lightly touched it. She faced Bianca and I was expecting Logan to get angry. To run away. To be pissed off to the point of tears. To want to leave. But she didn't do any of those things. Instead, she looked at Bianca and smiled. And then they both laughed.

"You're amazing," Logan said in between laughs.

"I was tired of that bitch," Bianca said, shrugging.

Tanner walked over, wrapping his arm around Bianca's shoulders. "And this is why you're my dream girl."

The festivities resumed shortly as Logan and I made our way over to one of the coolers, grabbing her an ice pack and placing it on her wrist while we sat in the sand. I watched her as she looked out towards the lake, a smile still on her face. How could someone smile after just getting in a fight like that? After punching her crazy sister? After her sister threatened to tell her parents about tonight?

"Staring is rude, Locke," Logan said, then turning to lock eyes with mine. I just shook my head. "What?"

"You just surprise me more and more every day," I said. "You shouldn't have punched her, though."

"No. She deserved it," Logan said.

"I know she deserved it. I'm just talking about your wrist."

Logan smiled and rested her head into my chest. "Don't worry about me, Locke. It doesn't even hurt that bad if we're being real here. I do think I might have just kicked my recovery back a bit, though..."

"You're crazy," I said.

"I'm more than crazy," Logan said, looking me in the eyes and grabbing my chin. "I'm 50 shades of fucked-up."

"You really just said that. Didn't you?" I said, shaking my head.

Logan smirked. "I really just said that." Logan set the ice pack down and got up, then taking off the oversized t-shirt she wore. Underneath, she was wearing a swimsuit. She looked down at me and held out her left hand towards me. "Let's swim."

"Right now?" I asked.

"Right now," she confirmed.

"You do realize it's going to be freezing."

The smirk on her face remained. "Whatever. I don't think you'd be able to handle the cold anyway."

I raised my eyebrows, remembering when she'd said that to me before. Many, many months ago. "Is that a challenge?" I questioned.

"Duh."

I smiled and grabbed her hand, standing up. We ran towards the lake, not stopping as we fully ran into the cold water. Logan dunked her head under and I followed suit. We both came up for air, soaking, and cold in the lake water. I shook my hair out, running a hand through it. Logan's gaze was looking out towards deeper in the lake, watching the horizon as the sun finished setting. Colors of yellow, orange, and pink decorated the bottom of the sky, preparing for the darkness to take over the night.

My right hand reached over to lace Logan and I's fingers together in the cold water. Lifting her hand up, I placed a delicate kiss on her bruised knuckles before returning them to the water. We both looked towards the horizon. We became used to the cold after minutes of being submerged in the icy water and it was no longer unbearable. It was peaceful and comfortable. The sound of music blaring became slightly muffled as our distance from the rest of the group grew. We could hear the slight sound of waves, boats on the water in the distance, and crickets surrounding the area.

"We agreed to be platonic frenemies the last time we were in this spot," I said, breaking our silence.

Logan smiled but kept her gaze on the fading sunset. "I know. I remember that day."

"You showed up just to apologize to me," I said. "You must have really liked me." I poked at Logan's side and she splashed water onto me. I chuckled.

"Oh, shut up."

I caught glimpse of Logan rolling her eyes at me. Once a gesture that had been annoying, a sign of her hatred for me. Now it had become something that she did when I said something stupid, when I annoyed her, but it wasn't because she hated me. It was because I was being an idiot and she loved me.

"I did really like you, though," Logan admitted, looking down at our hands laced together in the water. "I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I liked you."

"I knew it," I said.

"Whatever, you suck," Logan muttered.

"Let me enlighten you on the psychology of love," I said.

Logan looked at me. "Are you serious?" She asked.

I nodded and she rolled her eyes again. "The human brain likes the idea of falling in love. It supports it. It's why we get the strong physiological response that we do when we feel attracted towards someone," I said. "And according to the triangular theory of love, I'm sure you've heard of this theory, there are three components to being in love."

"Please do enlighten me on these components," Logan said.

"You have intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy is about closeness, connecting with the person you are attracted to, bonding with them. Such as when we bonded at the team bonding camp. Or when we became friends. You see?" I explained.

"I see."

"The second is passion. It's mostly about sexual attraction. Infatuation," I said, moving so I was standing in front of her. I moved my arms around her waist and lifted one hand to cup the side of her face. "You could say our physical attraction," I moved my lips to whisper in her ear, "is quite undeniable."

"I guess so," she said, although her voice was slightly shaky. I smirked and pulled away.

"And the last factor, commitment. Being able to commit to one another, to the idea of being together," I said.

"And... don't forget that oxytocin is thought to play a part in love. It's released into the brain during certain sexual pleasures," Logan's lips hovered above mine and now my breathing hitched, "which contributes to the ability to bond with one another. Would you find that to be correct?"

"I would," I said, my voice its own type of shaky now. She had the same power over me as I had over her. We both made each other feel this way.

Slowly, our lips found their way towards each other. Her velvety soft lips that tasted slightly of mint connected with mine, bonding together. I was sure the oxytocin was being released into both of our brains at the moment. I remembered just how much I loved to kiss her. How she would lightly suck on my top lip before letting me into her mouth, deepening the kiss. How her hand would find its way to the back of my neck, then up to my hair, digging into my locks. We slid closer and closer together, there was no visible gap between us.

"Hey lovebirds!" A voice yelled from up on the beach.

We broke away from the kiss, turning to look at Cayden who was yelling for us.

"Come up for air for a few minutes, would ya? We're gonna make a toast!" He yelled, then retreating back up the beach.

I smiled at Logan and interlocked our fingers once more before we left the lake. She threw on her t-shirt and we walked over towards everyone, sitting by the bonfire. Everyone held a drink in their hand as Porkchop stood up to give the toast. Why Porkchop? Because he was the best candidate, obviously.

"A toast," Porkchop started, "to finishing high school, getting ready for the next big step in our lives, and, of course..."

There was a drumroll as we waited for Porkchop to finish.

"... A TOAST TO OUR QUEEN, HARRY STYLES!" Porkchop yelled, raising his glass in the air right as One Direction's Live While We're Young started playing on cue. We all laughed, clinking our glasses and cans together.

A toast to finishing high school, getting ready for the next big step, our queen Harry Styles, and of course... a toast to falling in love the psychological way.

✯ ✯ ✯