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LOSALINI

There are, in my understanding, five stages to a breakup.

The first stage, confirmation. This happens when either the words "We're done" or "It's over" slip from your lips, or in my case, when you simply walk away after witnessing your slimy ex cheat on you. This, I believed was the easiest of all the five stages. You just say those words and you're over it.

Second, comes the feeling of loss. Somehow you just feel like there's something missing. Something that you've grown accustomed to isn't there, like your favorite sweater that you wore every winter but can't anymore because it got so tight that it constricts your breathing, or like losing that favourite doll that you slept with every night because you believed it kept the bogeyman away.

In my case, it was the lack of chocolate chip muffins Mrs Burns baked every Wednesday morning which Nate always gave me before first period. And in this case, it was a huge loss, considering those were some really good muffins.

The memories haunting you. That was in my belief, the third stage. Wherever you go, whatever you do, your thoughts are on them. Would they have liked this? Would they have liked that? Or I remember when we went on a date there and he shoved his ice cream in my face.

These thoughts, these memories are ever-present, always there, haunting you like that horrid class photo you took back in eighth that just wouldn't disappear. The memories for me were clearly embedded within. Even in my room, photos of Nate or of us both seemed to pop out of nowhere. They were everywhere. Not to add the fact that I had about three hoodies and a pair of Jordans of Nate's that I hadn't wanted to return because they put me straight to sleep because they smelled of him, a sweet pine and the scent of morning dew and mint.

Fear. This is the fourth stage and I believed it was the hardest. It's where you have those thoughts of turning back because you don't know what to do next. In this stage, you yourself are your own enemy. You don't know how to move on, how to rid yourself of that stench of a memory that person left behind, imprinted into your very soul. Fear of the unknown, fear of what is to come next and fear that you can't truly reform yourself enough to become a person that doesn't depend on him or her.

This is the toughest stage because human beings have a natural tendency to choose the easy road, or to like familiar paths, even like to know what to expect. The familiarity of the old relationship would push this fear into the foresight of your mind, making you not want to change anything or to not try anything new. Just like how most people don't like moving houses or moving to a new country altogether because it lacks familiarity and boasts of the unknown. In my case, fear made me question whether I was truly ready to throw away my six-month-old relationship with Nate, even if I knew that he had cheated on me.

Acceptance, the last stage. This happens as soon as you get over the fourth stage, just like how a descent is easier than the climb up a mountain. Acceptance, when you finally acknowledge that there is no longer a relationship, not even an ounce of a hope that it could happen again. No shell of the relationship remains. No wistful thought, no passing memory, not even the pain of it ending.

These were in my understanding what made a healthy and easy breakup.

However, my breakup with Nate wasn't like this. It didn't follow the natural order of how I thought a breakup should be.

First, for me, came the fear of whether I was in the wrong or whether I had done something to cause him to cheat on me. Then came the acceptance. Then the confirmation when I walked out. The feeling of loss gradually followed when I woke up the next day. This carried on for the next week and a half. It didn't help that Nate had since left me more than a hundred texts since that night and about twenty, if not thirty, voicemails.

In one momentary lapse of judgment and when I felt at my lowest, I listened to one voicemail.

"Liiiiiiz," Nate's voice resounded in my room that was shrouded completely in darkness. "Liz, baby. Answer my calls, baby. I miss you." A sniffle filled the room before the sound of something shattering as it hit the ground followed. "Shit! Liz, Liz, baby. I need you. I need you please. Answer my calls. Text me or something. Tell me it isn't over, baby. Please, please, please, please. Baby, it ain't over. It can't be over! You're my forever, Lizzy. My foreveeerrrr..." Snoring followed soon after and after two minutes of listening to Nate snoring I concluded he was completely lost to the world of the conscious, at least until he sobered up.

For the past week and a half, Nate was persistent. He'd been as persistent as he was when he wanted to change his C+ grade to an A because he thought that his essay on why football was the best sport ever played deserved more recognition.

And for the past week and a half, Alyson acted as a shield between us, always turning Nate away when he came to talk to me and always telling him he wasn't welcome when he came over to sit with us during lunch. She was godsend and thankfully understood why I didn't stop when she called for me at Brianna's party.

"Liz please." Nate looked almost torn as he came and stood by me at our table during lunch on Thursday. "Just give me another chance."

I couldn't say a word, instead I slowly chewed on the sandwich that was already in my mouth.

"Another chance?" Alyson was the one who gasped out the words as she glared at Nate with untested loathing. "You cheated on her! You broke her heart! And you expect another chance?"

"And I'm sorry. It was a mistake."

I finished chewing the sandwich and swallowed before I turned to look at my ex. He still looked amazing and the dark circles that were expertly covered up with some tint hid them from sight. His hair was messy and not the sexy type of messy. It looked like he really didn't care what he did with it. But despite this, Nate still looked amazing.

"A mistake is forgetting to feed your pet fish in the morning," I croaked out as I squeezed my hands into a fist. "A mistake is forgetting to pick up your younger siblings because you were thinking of your ten-page essay. What you did-" my voice cracked and I smiled at Alyson when she rubbed my back reassuringly. "What you did, Nate, was not a mistake! It shouldn't hurt like this if it was. I don't even know how naive I was dating you!"

"Liz, babe, I-" He started to reach out but stopped when I held a hand up.

"Let's go Alyson," I said. "I just lost my appetite."

For the rest of the day Nate kept a distance and I was quite relieved. I didn't know if I could keep it up anymore.

As I drove home, I decided that I needed to start on the eight-page essay on Theodore Roosevelt when I got home. When I opened the door, the sound of laughter hit me, causing me to stop short.

Laughter? That was one sound that had been pretty nonexistent in this house for the past few months.

"Mom?" I called out when the laughing and chatter continued.

What was going on?

"Mom?" I called out again. "Mom?" Now worry was starting to set in.

Just then the sweet aroma of freshly baked goods hit me, making my mouth water.

"Mom?"

"In here, Liz," she finally replied from the kitchen.

Hoping everything was fine, I dropped my bag on the sofa in the living room and started for the kitchen, catching the sound of people chattering nonstop.

Of all the things I was expecting to see when I turned the corner and entered the kitchen, the last thing that I could possibly expect was seeing my mom, now resembling her old self, drinking coffee and sharing anecdotes with Taylor's mom, Zoe Blackstone.

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