20: Behind My Realization

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It's been five days since I last spoke to Sabrina. The Thanksgiving dinner at her house I was supposed to be at had no longer been an option. Instead, I had to have a dinner with my parents who usually took the thankfulness right out of the holiday.

This years dinner didn't go too bad considering Andrew was in a surprisingly good mood. He came home the night before from his business trip, and judging from how he was discussing the subject at the table, everything went really well.

He noticed the cuts and bruises that were on display, and had asked if the other guy deserved it. When I replied with a 'yes' - that sounded more like a growl than anything - he raised an eyebrow, but he was satisfied.

Whittney deserved ever hit that came to him, and I enjoyed it too. It scared me how much I loved to beat him to the point where he stopped moving. When I left the house, he was nothing more than an unconscious mess on the floor.

Then there were others who didn't deserve what I did to them. Sabrina didn't deserve to be cheated on, and Harry didn't deserve my harsh words. They both cared for me more than anyone, and I threw their emotions for me out like they never even mattered.

I throw back my head to swallow a shot. Trying to push the thoughts of the last week out of my head is a lot easier when your mind is numb. All the pesky emotions that got in the way of me having a good time would soon not be bothering me anymore.

Before I can bring the next shot to my lips, a certain blond catches my eye from across the room.

"Charlette!" She doesn't react when I call after her. At first I think she can't hear me over the loud music that takes over the room, but when I grab her arm and turn her to face me, I realize it was an attempt to ignore me.

"What?!" She growls, tearing her arm out of my grip.

"How's Harry, is he okay?"

I've been feeling terrible about how I reacted to him coming out to me. I should have supported him, but it was such a shock. 

She crosses her arms over her chest, and glares at me angrily. "Oh yeah, he's fine! Locking himself in his room all week and not talking to anyone is totally normal behavior."

"You think this is my fault?" I huff angrily.

"He thinks you hate him. Ever since you found out he's gay, he's been beating himself up about it."

Looking around a moment, I make sure no one's attention is drawn. When the coast is clear, I grab Charlette by the arm and drag her to an empty hallway - the house the party is being hosted at has multiple.

"What are you doing?" She tries to leave, but I just grab her arm and pull her back. "Are you trying to out your brother in front of everyone?"

A look of disdain crosses her face as she scowls at me. "Is it really Harry that you're worried about, or are you just worried about what people would think if you're friends with the gay kid. What? You afraid people would think that you're gay too? Grow a pair, and be the friend Harry always fooled himself into believing you were."

"I'm not gay," I growl.

"Don't get so offensive about it. It's the twenty first century, no need to be so homophobic."

"I'm not a homophobe either!"

Charlette rolls her eyes and leaves down the hall and back to the party. Clearly she did not believe me. I couldn't blame her - I don't believe me either. It wasn't entirely my fault that I had the mindset. From the way that Andrew always talked about gays, it's not surprising that I have developed the mindset. Every time he saw any display of homosexual affection, he'd cringe - a look of disgust commonly following after. The same look he'd often give Harry.

He knew.

He knew about Harry this whole time, and didn't say a thing. It explained why he was so against the two of us ever having that much alone time with each other. In retrospect, I should have seen the signs. Maybe I didn't want to see them?

A part of me wondered what Andrew would do if I were gay and he found out. The thought sends an unpleasant shiver down my spine. No way in hell would he let that slide. If it were true, he would make the attempt to beat the gay out of me.

Luckily, I am undoubtedly into girls.

Before heading back to the party, I go into the restroom and splash a bit of water on my face. There wasn't a shower in this bathroom, so the small cleanse had to do for now.

When I return to the main room, a few new faces have joined the party. I'm about to find my friends when someone grabs my hand and pulls me towards the kitchen.

"Maddie, what are you doing?" I laugh while she drags me over to one of the bar stools and sits me down. She sits across from me and pours two drinks, offering one to me. I accept it gratefully and took a sip and she did the same. Since Madison made it, the strength of the mix isn't that strong, so I grab the vodka - filling it to my prefered alcohol fulfillment.

The girl opposite from me laughed and shook her head.

I laugh, "What?"

"You know there's a thing called alcohol poisoning, right?" She raises her eyebrow at me. It's supposed to be a joke, but there's a hint of seriousness and concern in her green eyes.

"I've got a high tolerance," I supply. "So tell me," I take another sip. "what's on your mind, Mads?"

A look of unsettling confusion crosses her face as she looks over me. My carefree attitude seems to be putting her on edge. Everyone knew about Sabrina and I splitting up by now, and this wasn't the first strange look I have received.

"You seem oddly okay with everything." Madison observes, squinting her eyes. "I've heard of everyone dealing with things differently, but you're taking it to a whole new level."

"I don't like to dwell," I say, trying to avoid the subject. Plus, I am still a little shaken from the conversation with Charlette. Not to mention I have bigger things to worry about than my relationship status with Sabrina right now.

Where there was Craze - the drug now known as Virgo - Dax was never far behind.

"Bullshit." Maddie immediately stands up and gives me a slight shove. "Holding in everything is just going to hurt you in the long run. Why don't you just talk to me? I talk to you about all my hard breakups - all my boy problems. Why won't you share anything with me?"

Her words bring back the memory of Sabrina using those same arguments against me just a little over a month ago. "The Austin I know doesn't just give up when there's a bump in the road."

"He does now."

"Nope," she disagrees, moving closer. "You are going to go out there, and you're going to win your woman back!" Madison stabs my chest with her pointer finger to force her point across.

"Sabrina's here?" I stand up immediately, with the urge to make things right between us, but a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach holds me back. Just because she's here doesn't mean she'll be willing to forgive me the moment she lays eyes on me. What I've done to her can't be easily forgiven.

Maddie nods. "I just saw her walk in a little bit ago." She nods to the doorway of the kitchen and says: "Go make things right."

I have no idea what I'm going to tell her when I see her, but I'll be damned if I let this opportunity slip away from me.

"Wait," I say before leaving Maddie alone in the kitchen. "Didn't you wanna tell me something?"

"Some things are more important." She sends me a reassuring smile. "Go."

Without wasting another second, I grab my cup and leave the kitchen. It's still early in the party, but a few light weights are already wobbling about. Lifting the cup to my lips, I take a couple sips before my eyes focus on the subject of my search.

The corners of my mouth quickly gravitate south when I notice that Sabrina isn't alone. A junior I don't know by name is holding her hand while twirling her around. The more they dance, the more furious I become. Fists tighten at my sides as my gaze dramatically darkens. Next thing I know, I'm marching to where they are and prying Sabrina away from her dance partner.

"Ow, what the hell?!" She screeches. When she sees that it's me, she relaxes, but not by much. Her eyes are still wide and when she tries to pull her arm away, I just tighten my hold.

"Let her go." Her friend steps forward, a pissed expression on his face. "You're hurting her."

I position Sabrina so that she's behind me - reluctantly I notice that she's rubbing her arm after I release her. Right now, I don't find myself caring. "There, I let her go. Happy?"

"Not remotely," the guy hisses at me.

Now we're standing face to face, both of us fuming. "She's my girlfriend," I growl.

"Ex-Girlfriend," he corrects. "Which means you can't control every little thing she does anymore."

"I never controlled her."

He scoffs, "Is that right?"

An annoyed grunt vibrates in my throat as my shoulders tense and my jaw clenches. "I don't have to listen to this shit." I turn and place my hand on Sabrina's back to guide her away. "Come on, Rina."

For a second she's almost reluctant, but eventually she gives in. When her friend tries to interfere, she stops him.

"It's okay, Aaron," she tells him, sending him a small smile as reassurance. "I'll be fine."

Once we're out of Aaron's range of view, my hand grabs hold of her upper arm instead as I continue to lead the way to privacy.

We enter the hallway that Charlette and I had a conversation in not too long ago, and I open the first door to the right. When I turn on the light the room reveals to be a bathroom, so I push Sabrina inside first - I follow soon after.

"What is wrong with you?!" Sabrina yells in outrage. Clearly she isn't happy with the scene I had caused just a moment ago. Neither am I, but that isn't what I want to worry about right now. Right now our focus would be the fact that she was dancing with someone, and that someone wasn't me.

I lock the door before turning around. She eyes the door carefully before turning her gaze to me.

"There's nothing wrong with me," I inform her, even though we both know that statement is far from the truth. "There's something wrong with you."

"Excuse me?" Sabrina looks at me like she doesn't believe what she's hearing.

"Yeah," I confirm her disbelief. "There's something wrong with you, because you shouldn't be dancing with other guys when you're supposed to be giving us another chance!"

"I've given us so many chances, Austin! But somehow, you always screw them up," she points out. "Besides, we were just dancing."

"'There's no such thing as just dancing,'" I say in a mocking tone. Not too long ago she caught me dancing with Madison, so now I am using her own words against her.

The expression on her face proves she knows exactly what I'm getting at. "This situation is not the same, and you know it." A heavy scowl falls upon my face as I seethe and I run my hand through my hair. "If I remember correctly, it's your fault that we're in this situation in the first place."

"You're being unreasonable!" I complain, throwing my hands up in the air in irritation. "I've said I'm sorry. I've given you your space to think. I've even beat myself up over how big of a mistake I made, and this is what I get? You whoring yourself out to another guy within the first week of our breakup?"

Sabrina lets out an exasperated breath and stares at me in disbelief. "I cannot believe you just said that to me."

I sigh and cross my arms, not saying anything more.

"You're the one who cheated on me, and I'm the one who gets called a whore?!" She huffs out a sarcastic laugh. "No, it doesn't work that way. I'm a virgin, and you've slept with more girls than you could probably count. If either of us were to get that label, it would be you! All because you can't keep your thing in your pants!"

"For the hundredth time, I was fucking drugged! Whittney planned the whole thing with Berkley. I don't know how they got Casey to cooperate, but you and I both know that Berkley has his ways."

"That may be true, but you could have stopped it."

"Oh please, Sabrina. Tell me how I could have possibly-"

"You could have figured out it wasn't me!" Her eyes are now brimmed with tears. "Even though you were drugged, I'm almost sure that you would have had a little alarm going off in the back of your head, saying that something wasn't right."

I roll my eyes at her fantasy. "That's not how it works. What? Did you think the 'power of love' would've knocked me out of the hallucinations and make me realize that the person I was fucking wasn't the person I wanted it to be? It's real life, not a fairy tale. I didn't get that magical revelation, because the world is only filled with tragedy. There's no such thing as a happy ending."

Tears stream down Sabrina's face as she continues to whimper. "I wanted you to be my happy ending."

The weight of my body seems to double as I look at how hurt Sabrina is. I never meant for everything to go the way it has these past couple weeks, but the longer I'm on this earth, the more enemies I seem to make.

"Well," I begin, swallowing the big lump in my throat. "Maybe I'm not supposed to be your happy ending."

"W-what?" Her eyes are wide - full of a fear I've never seen. "What do you mean?"

"That maybe I've been fooling myself." I'm telling myself this more than her. "I fooled myself into thinking I could ever be the right person for you. All I ever do is hurt you. I just feel like it never would have happened if you would've just-"

"If I would've what?" She looks at me, anger blazing in her eyes as she comes to the realization. "If I slept with you?! That's what this whole thing has been about? I didn't have sex with you so you just found the closest slut, and did your thing?"

Whoa, where the hell did that come from?

"No, that's not what I-"

"Don't give me that. Don't tell me another lie. I am so sick of the lies!"

Was I lying? I can't even tell anymore...

"You want me to tell the truth?!" My outburst doesn't just surprise her, but me as well. I take a few large strides forwards, while she stumbles back a few steps. It doesn't take long before she can't back up anymore - the sink counter stopping her efforts. After I grab Sabrina's shoulders, her back hits the wall with a thump.

Her bottom lip trembles as she lets out a whimper. "Austin-"

"No! Answer the fucking question, Sabrina!"

"Yes," she blurts hastily. "I do."

"The truth is, I've wanted you for so long. But do you know what you said every single time I tried going further?" I yell, my rage getting the best of me. She doesn't say anything right away, again, so I squeeze her arms tighter.

"N-no," she stammers. "I said no."

"Exactly, so who's fault was it really, that I couldn't control myself while on that drug?" My face is only inches from hers, and I can feel how much she is trembling. "Who's fault was it that I was deprived so much that I was so easily influenced, huh?"

"I don't know!"

Letting out a sarcastic laugh, I wipe one of her tears from her cheek. She flinches, but I barely register the it. "Yes you do."

"I want to go back to the party," she mumbles so quietly that I can barely hear her.

"So do I, which is why you should just answer the damn question." I grab her jaw lightly and turn it up so that her eyes meet mine. The look in her eyes cracks a little piece of the resilient exterior I recently wrapped around myself. Not enough though. "Answer me!"

Everything is happening so fast, I don't even notice I'm gripping her wrist as tightly as I am until I hear her cry out in pain. I immediately take a step back. She holds her wrist with her other hand, and falls to the floor in a sobbing mess.

The sound of someone pounding on the door startles me. "Sabrina?!" It's Amber's voice and I immediately freeze. "Austin, open this damn door!"

Fear courses through me as she continues to hit against the door, and Sabrina continues to cry. Not knowing what else to do in this situation, I kneel beside my sobbing ex. "Sabrina, listen to me . . ."

"No," she whimpers. "Get away from me."

"I'm so, so sorry." My plead doesn't do me any good, so I try to comfort her more. "Please, I didn't mean to hurt you. It'll never happen again. I promise you."

Amber's knocks get more intense as the time goes on, and I hear Aaron's voice in the background as well.

"You're just saying that."

"What?" I shake my head when I realize what she's saying. "No Sabrina, I promise. Never again. Please, for the sake of the both of us - don't say anything." More tears stain her cheeks, which I immediately wipe from her face. I lean my forehead against hers, my whole body shaking with regret. "Please don't tell anyone. Never again."

Seconds pass by, but it feels like an eternity. I'm holding my breath as I wait for an answer. Finally, she speaks. "Okay."

Suddenly, I feel like I can breath again, but the feeling is short lived when the door opens. Amber and Aaron stumble in after each other - they must have unlocked the door somehow.

"What the fuck did you do?!" Amber screeches at me when she notices Sabrina's fountain of tears.

"He didn't do anything, Am," Sabrina says, quickly removing the hold on her wrist.

"Of course he didn't." Amber scowls at me - the sarcasm never leaving her tone. "He never does anything."

Aaron is staring me down the whole time, and I know I have to get out of here before they start to ask questions. "We'll talk more later," I tell Sabrina, who just nods. Both her friends don't try to hide their distaste for me as I walk out. At the moment, I don't blame them.

Right now, I hate myself too.

Even though it's not even midnight yet, I'm already leaving for the front door. Earlier tonight, there was a little slither of hope that things could return back to normal, but now all I can think about is how much worse I've made everything.

Before anything else can go wrong tonight, I have to get out of here. Luckily I'm still sober enough to drive myself home.

My gaze travels over the crowd of party goers for a second, and then my heart stops. A familiar face is walking through the crowd, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. His brown hair is slicked back, which is different from the shaggy hair he used to have. His leather jacket is hung over his shoulder as he pushes a senior girl up against the wall, while holding her waist.

He whispers something in her ear. No doubt something sexual, by the way she blushes. Then he turns towards me. I hide right before he can see me, blending in with the crowd.

"Austin?" I jump when a hand is placed on my shoulder. Maddie's eyes are full of concern as she looks at me. "Is everything okay?"

My heart is beating so loudly in my head that I can barely hear her - my mind is too busy scrambling for an answer about what to do next. It's obvious he's here to find me. He wouldn't waste his time at a high school party if he wasn't.  Being over twenty-one by now, he had no time for immature teenagers anymore.

Heading for the front door, I grab Maddie and lead her with me. Since I'm afraid, she's freaking out as well, but I just tell her to play along. "What's going on?" She whispers to me as she follows my lead.

There's no time to reply, because he already saw me.

Dax saw me.

***

Uh oh... A cliffhanger... Sorry guys.

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