LXV- Learn to Deal

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I get home and rush to my room. Everything bad happened here, everything I hate. The first day of school, Dean kissed me on this bed and I liked it. Just months later he was pulling my pants down and holding me down. I used to love him, I used to think we would grow old together and live some fairy tale ending.

I was wrong, he never loved me he just loved to control me. He lied about getting help, he lied about trusting me, he lied about everything! I look at the posters on my wall, they're filled with reminders of the music we both loved. We always had that much in common. I grab the top and rip them down, tearing the logos of my favorite bands. A sense of relief washes over me but it's not enough, everything in this room reminds me of him. The black clothes, the long sleeve shirts, I pull them out of my closet and grab a pair of scissors. I cut through the fabric hastily, needing the satisfaction of destroying something he made me wear. Whether it be from his bruises or his attempts at hiding my body from the rest of the world. They fall in slivers on my floor, yet another place he pinned me on.

When I go back to my closet to find more reminders of him, I find the halter top I wore when he hit me for the first time. He was so outraged so I finally gave in to him. Now I realize that it only gave him incentive to do it again, and again, and again. The rage that I've been suppressing for so long finally bubbles over. I scream and throw the shirt across the room. It hits the vanity and I go up to it. All of this jewelry, the necklaces and the earrings, he bought for me. I don't want any of it. I drag my arms over the surface and let everything fall to the ground. When that isn't enough, I grab the mirror and throw it. It hits the wall and shatters on my floor.

"Livia stop!" My mom screams as she walks in and looks around my room.

I stop, my breathing ragged and heavy. "Why should I?" I gesture to the room with a shrug, "None of it means anything to me!

She takes a step into my room, "Please talk to me, tell me what's going on."

I don't even know what's going on at this point. I just know that I'm angry. "You have no idea what I went through because you were never here!" I yell at her. It's not her fault, but I'm supposed to feel safe in my own home and I just don't.

Tears start to fall down her face. I made her feel guilty for working so much, it's something I had never done before today. "I know, I'm never going to forgive myself for what happened to you." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. None of this is fair, I used to be so happy before this year. I was naive and in denial but happy.

"I can't be here." I say softly.

My mom stays in her spot beside my doorway, as I walk past her and get out of this house as quickly as possible. This morning I found out that I got into my dream school. By lunch I was explaining to a very good friend of mine how my ex abused me. I feel so out of control, like nothing can make me feel better. Maybe it's because I know that nothing can take back what happened. Dean was always going to hurt me.

I drive to Shawn's house and park. I always come back here, it doesn't take a shrink to figure out it's because I feel safe here. Shawn would never hurt me, in fact, he's gone out of his way to protect me.

I turn my car off and get out. I don't have a key but Shawn always keeps the basement unlocked in case I ever wanted to work out when he wasn't home. I haven't needed to be there without him until now. There's still more anger inside me then I know what to do with.

So when I walk in through the basement I put my gloves on. The punching bag now hangs right in front of me. I want to picture it's Dean and hit him back. It's easier than I thought it would be, so I fix my stance and pull my arm back. I hit the bag as hard as I can, so hard that I can feel it through my glove. I grit my teeth and do it again. Then I think about Luke and how he heard stories and did nothing. I have to hold the bag steady after that punch. I think about Becca and how she protected him and hit it again. Then about Hunter and how he couldn't wait one more week for me to end things with Dean on my own. Just because I forgave him doesn't mean a part of me isn't still a little bit mad. I hit the bag for a fourth time but it's me that I'm mad at. I had several chances before he proposed to leave him. I just let fear and love get in the way. I called Luke pathetic but I am too, I let things get worse. I never let the authorities handle things even after I almost had to go to the hospital. Even after New Year's, when he came back. I keep hitting the bag over and over again. I'll keep my promise to Dean, if he ever touches me again I won't think twice to put him in jail.

After a while my hands go numb but I push through it. The gloves start to feel heavy on my fists so I take them off and continue my assault on the punching bag. I hit it so hard and for so long that my knuckles start to crack and bleed. It's not the worst pain I've ever felt so it doesn't phase me. I don't know how long I've been here but I don't feel any better than before.

Dean has been the center of all my pain, he's made sure that everyone thought little of me. Luke being the prime example, everyone else just thinks I'm weak. Weak and easily controlled. They wouldn't be wrong and that hurts me the most.

"Livia, you have to stop." Shawn says from behind me. I didn't hear him come home. When I don't listen he comes up to me and grabs my hands to stop me. "God dammit you're bleeding." I finally snap out of it and look down at my knuckles. They look worse than they feel. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up." He carefully leads me up the stairs and to the bathroom. I sit on the toilet while he looks through his cabinets for peroxide. I stare at the wall in front of me. I don't want to pretend like I'm okay anymore, so I don't. "This is going to sting." He warns me as he stands in front of me with the peroxide.

"Just get it over with." I tell him. Shawn looks down at me and sighs before pouring the liquid on my knuckles.

It stings but I suck it up and bring all of my attention to the shower curtain beside me. Once he's done, he grabs some cotton balls and presses them down on my knuckles. "I called your mom to ask if you went home. She said you tore apart your room and then left. I had to take an educated guess that you would be here." I'm not surprised my mom told him, she trusts him. I don't feel like talking, he already knows what happened and why I'm so upset. "It took all I had not to follow after you. I still had two more classes, I had to stay." I knew he wouldn't be able to. It would've looked too suspicious if he had.

Shawn goes over my third knuckle and I wince. It hurts a lot more than the others. He mumbles an apology. I lick my lips and look up at him, "I'm so angry." Is all I can manage to tell him.

"You have every right to be." He moves on to the next hand, pouring the peroxide and then dabbing it up with cotton balls. "I can't imagine what's going through your head right now."

He's being careful, trying not to say or do the wrong thing. Is that because he's scared I'll run off or because he doesn't want me to be mad at him too? I'm not mad at him, he knew but he protected me as much as I would allow him. "I'm so tired of thinking about Dean and what happened to me."

Shawn moves to grab some Neosporin before coming back to put it on me. "You haven't been dealing with it. That's why you can't stop thinking about it. Your subconscious is screaming at you but you're not listening, you just keep on pushing it down until something like what Luke said triggers you."

"Maybe you're right, but that doesn't mean I'm invalid for being mad at Luke."

"You have every right to be mad at Luke. However, he might've chosen to believe what Dean was saying because it was easier than accepting that his friend was so horrible." I stare at my hands, I didn't think about it like that.

A small smile reaches my face, "When did you become so wise?" I ask.

"It comes with age." He finishes up on my hands and puts everything away.

I stand up and we make our way out of the bathroom. "I don't know what to do now." I'm still upset but I have a little more understanding now.

"Now you go home and talk to your friends." I give him a confused look. "Your mom told me they were there for you."

As much as I don't want to, I know that he's right. I need to go home and tell them how I really feel. I hold his hand, making sure not to touch my knuckles. "I wish you could come with me."

He smiles at me. I've always loved that his smiles are always genuine and never forced. "Me too but this is something you should do on your own anyway."

I lift up and kiss him. He wastes no time in kissing me back, but it's only for a few seconds before I have to pull away. "I'll see you at school in the morning." I tell him and walk out to go back home.



When I pull into my driveway Becca and Luke get out of their car. I go up to my porch while they follow me inside quietly. "Livia thank God you're home!" My mom rushes up and wraps her arms around me. I slowly reach up to pat her on the back. I'm surprised she's not mad at me for yelling at her and running off.

I pull away first, turning to shut the door behind Becca and Luke. "We're going to go up to my room, mom." I say.

She gives me a concerned look, "Are you sure that's such a good idea?"

I only nod, walking up the stairs with them close behind. They need to see that I'm finally not as okay as they think. Shawn was right, I haven't been dealing with it. It's about time I started. "It looks like a tornado came in here." Becca mentions.

Luke steps over the ripped up posters on the floor to get inside more. I sit down at my bed and look up at the two of them. "I was the tornado." They look at me carefully. "My parents were always on a business trip so most of the abuse happened here." I look around my room, there's glass shattered and remnants of my freak-out everywhere.

Luke takes a step toward me, "Livia, I had no idea. I swear I knew what he was saying was wrong."

I put my hand up to stop him, "I'm mad at you. When I was with Dean I forgave him so easily. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm mad at you for thinking that I could be into something so disgusting. I'm mad at Becca for not defending me, for defending you. I'm still upset with Hunter for showing a recording of what I thought was private. I'm pissed off at everything that happened behind closed doors and everyone still thought I was madly in love with him." He quite possibly ruined my life. "I'm also so mad at myself because I didn't seek help. I needed to do things my way but in the end it didn't matter. He still found a way to hurt me and I still got labeled the victim." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "I don't want anyone to be sorry. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I just want to get over what happened and move on. I couldn't do that without you guys seeing this room. Every reminder of Dean is in this room, so when I've cleaned it up I'm moving on. I'm acknowledging that something bad happened to me. Then I'm going to stop being mad at the world and get over it."

I don't know if I'm even making sense but Luke reaches down and picks up a torn up poster and crumbles it up in his hands. "Then let's get started."


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