CXIII- Acceptance

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Livia's P.O.V.

I rush out of his room and to the bathroom across the guest bedroom. My nerves are so jumbled that I barely make it to the toilet before puking. When I'm finished, I try to catch my breath just like on the plane. After a minute, I've calmed down enough to get up and look for some mouthwash.

After the third time rinsing my mouth, I exit the bathroom, and walk downstairs. "Are you okay? I heard glass shattering." Dianne says as she touches my tear stained face.

I pull her hand away, nodding. "I'm fine, he just needs a minute." I look between Jack and Dianne. "I'm sorry, I had no idea it would be this bad. I would've waited or-"

Jack interrupts me, "You couldn't have known. You were just helping me."

Katie finishes cleaning up Jack's nose at the table. "If I'm being honest, I don't know how to feel. I mean, I guess it makes sense now that he's explained everything."

"You explained everything? Good." At least Katie isn't mad at me too. She begins throwing the tissues up and putting the first aid kit away.

Dianne nods, "Believe me it's a lot to process but," She pauses to take a good look at Jack, "A mother knows, and that's definitely my son."

"Yeah well, tell Shawn that." Dianne moves to go upstairs but I grab her arm to stop her. "Let's wait until he's sober."

I let go of Dianne as she smiles, "I guess I can come back in the morning. It's been a long night anyway." I glance up at the clock, it's only eight-thirty. Long night is an exaggeration, it feels like it's past midnight. She kisses my forehead, "Are you going to be okay?"

Despite my feelings of uncertainty, I try to be reassuring. "Of course."

She leaves after that. Katie goes to bed next, saying goodnight to the both of us before walking up the stairs. I tell Jack that he's still welcome to stay in the guest bedroom with Katie. "I'm staying but only in case Shawn tries anything." He tells me.

I appreciate him trying to protect me or whatever but Shawn would never hurt me. Not physically anyway. So I change the subject. "How are you feeling, after everything?" I point to his face, "It looks like Shawn got you pretty good."

Jack leans against the wall, looking up the steps. "Yeah well, I can't help but think I deserved it." He pauses, "I thought I had it bad but...I'll never understand what he went through."

I sigh, sitting on the steps, "The same could be said for you. I mean you were practically kidnapped."

Jack chuckles dryly, "That's true. They were good parents though. I went to a foster home with seven kids. It was only for a little over a week while my mom and dad pushed the adoption papers through."

"That's where you met Ty and Layla." I smile, "I suppose Emily couldn't just take you right out of the hospital."

"Yeah," Jack continues, "I thought that place was pretty bad but now...I don't know what to think. What I remember of Dianne, she was so involved. She was happy and healthy and kind. It's hard to think of her as anything but a great mother."

I reach out and grab his hand in an effort to comfort him. I used to think he was a bad guy, out to get Shawn and I for all of the wrong reasons. My instincts were right about him being up to something, but everything else was false. He's a good man who just wanted to find his birth family. "Shawn just needs some time to process everything. If you're patient with him, I'm sure he'll come around." Even though I'm upset at Shawn right now, I know he's just hurting. We'll get past this just like we do everything else.

"Thanks but don't worry, I don't plan on giving up on him. After all, he is family right?" Something catches in his eyes, maybe fear or worry. I try not to think about it too hard and pull my hand back.

"Right well, I should go up there." I point to Shawn's room upstairs.

He agrees, walking up the stairs with me. "Goodnight Livia and Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas Jack." I say, watching him walk into the guest bedroom. Once I've gathered up all of my courage, I open Shawn's door. He looks up at me but I hold my hand up to stop him. "I'm not here to talk. I'm tired and I'm going to bed." I grab my nightclothes from my bag and go to the bathroom to change, instead of in front of him like normal.

I also take the opportunity to brush my teeth before leaving the bathroom. "I thought couples weren't supposed to go to bed angry?" Shawn whispers as I walk over to the bed and get in, making sure to stay close to the edge. It smells like vodka in here but I ignore it. When I don't answer, Shawn sighs and turns the light off. We just sit there, in the dark quietly. Until one of us eventually falls asleep.



I wake up around three in the morning to the sound of Shawn throwing up the alcohol he consumed last night. I groggily get out of bed and walk inside the bathroom. "Don't come in here." He groans but I don't listen. I rinse out the cup on the sink and fill it with clean water. Still half asleep, I sit down on the cold floor right beside him and lean back against the wall. He continues to throw up while I rub his back so that he'll feel better.

When he stops I hand him the water. "Here, drink this. You're probably dehydrated." The only thing he's had to drink in the last twelve hours has been alcohol.

"Thank you." He says, drinking the contents as fast as he can. He must've really been thirsty.

I get up and fill the cup back up with water before sitting back down. Shawn starts to say something before his head is back in the bowl. I continue rubbing his back and handing him water until there's nothing left to upchuck. "I'll see if there's any tylenol." I say, standing back up and looking inside the medicine cabinet.

When I locate some, I hand it to Shawn. "I'm surprised you're not letting me suffer after what I said."

I grab his cup of water and fill it up for the third time. "I don't like to see you in pain." I reply, handing him the cup back. "If you're okay, I'm going back to bed."

"Yeah." He says, throwing back the pills and water. "Thank you."

"Mhm." I mumble, leaving the bathroom and finding the bed to pass back out on.

It's morning by the time I open my eyes again. Shawn is on the floor in front of me, cleaning the vodka that has since dried. "Sorry." He says, "I wanted it cleaned up before you woke up. That way you didn't accidentally step on the glass."

I remove the blanket from my body and stand up. "How thoughtful of you." I sarcastically reply. I know I'm still mad at the drunk, angry version of Shawn but what he said he must've felt. At least on some level.

I go to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. We're going back to New York tomorrow so I'm hoping everything gets worked out between Shawn and Jack before the four hour plane ride. Once I'm done getting ready, I walk out of the bathroom. Shawn is already dressed, sitting at the end of the bed. "Livia, can we please talk?"

"I wanted to talk last night, but you were too busy punching people and throwing things."

"I was drunk."

I turn to him. "I was aware." Sighing, I try to calm down. "I'm sorry, you just really hurt me last night. I knew you'd be mad but I figured you'd at least let me explain."

Shawn stands up and takes a step closer to me, "Please explain now, I'm listening." For the first time this morning, I see the bags under his eyes.

"Okay." I say, trying to get my thoughts together. "I had a feeling Jack was up to something so I confronted him about it. He told me everything and said the only reason you didn't already know was because he wanted you and Dianne together, in person. It made sense so I brought you two together. I wasn't thinking it would blow up in my face so spectacularly, on Christmas." Aside from Jack wanting him to take over his father's half of the company, that just about sums it up.

Shawn hesitates before replying, causing my nerves to sky rocket. "That actually makes a lot of sense." He runs his fingers through his hair, "Fuck me, I'm an asshole."

"Yeah." I agree. "I didn't know you thought so lowly of me." I admit before making my way to the door. It's still early so I have no clue if Dianne is here yet. Or if Katie and Jack are even awake yet, so I head downstairs.

Shawn doesn't follow me and I can't help but feel relieved he doesn't. I have my own feelings I need to get through right now. My questions about Dianne being here is answered as soon as my feet hit the bottom of the stairs. In the kitchen is Dianne making coffee, and lighting a cigarette. "I'm pretty sure Shawn would be pissed if he smelled smoke in here."

"Oh shit, you're right." Dianne says, "It's a bad habit." She tells me, putting it out in the sink and throwing it away. "Coffee?"

I nod, taking a seat at the table. "Shawn is awake, he might be down soon."

"And how are you feeling?"

I rub the back of my neck, "Honestly not great, I haven't really been able to hold down my food because of all the stress. I feel malnourished." I force out a laugh but really, I'm just hungry.

"Well there's not much here, not for breakfast anyway."

I sip on my caffeine. "This will be plenty for right now. Maybe Katie will want to go to the store with me once everything has calmed down."

"I would love to." Katie answers me, walking into the kitchen. "We can go now, before Jack wakes up and Shawn realizes we stayed here last night."

I nod, "Let me get the keys."

After I've put on my thickest coat, and some boots, I walk outside. I have no clue how Shawn and Jack walked home last night. "It's gotta be like thirty degrees out here." Katie voices as she walks out behind me.

I nod, "New York gets colder but Colorado has its moments." I say as we get to the car. I shiver as I wait impatiently for it to warm up. Eventually, it gets warm enough for me to begin driving. The store itself isn't very far but there's definitely some scenery on the way. Katie is used to the city view. But Brookview is full of trees and quiet cars. "I know Christmas didn't go as planned but at least there's a nice view here." My lame attempt at a joke only warrants a small laugh from my roommate.

She looks over to me, "I think that's an understatement."

"The view or the holiday?" I ask rhetorically.

Katie shrugs, "It probably wasn't any better than if I had gone home to my dad. So don't feel so bad."

I brake for a stop sign and sigh, "I'm glad you came. I know you said you were okay with all of this but, are you really?" all of this, being, our boyfriends being long lost brothers.

"Trust me, my head hurts just thinking about it." I pull into the store parking lot as she finishes, "But, yeah, I'm okay. I guess I don't scare easily."

"Thank God for that." This would be an even longer trip otherwise.

Katie and I walk into the store side by side. She doesn't know the layout so she sticks by me while I find some fresh food. We don't get too much, only enough for today and breakfast tomorrow. After about thirty minutes, we're ready to check out when Katie stops me in the feminine hygiene aisle. "That reminds me, do you have tampons or should I get some?"

"No, I don't get my period for another..." I do the math on my fingers, remembering that I should've started by now. "Well...yesterday."

Katie makes an 'O' shape with her mouth, "So you're late?"

"Yeah but only by a day. Plus, I'm on birth control."

She walks down the aisle and grabs a pregnancy test before handing it to me, "My cousin has been on birth control since she was sixteen and she has three kids. Take the test, just in case." I nod, suddenly feeling a small sense of reality crashing into me. Katie grabs a box of tampons and throws it in the cart along with the test in my hand. We move through the self checkout mindlessly. I can't stop thinking about what if's. I mean, I can't be pregnant. Shawn still works at my school, and I'm only nineteen. I think back to Jenny, she had a baby in High School and she's happier than ever. But she doesn't keep her baby hidden, and I couldn't do that to mine. "I can practically hear you overthinking." Katie says as we head home.

I'm not sure what to say to her but she's right, I need to hold myself together. I don't know anything yet, and until I do, I'll be in denial. I'll be practical. "I'm sure it's fine. Periods come late all of the time." Normally, not me but I've been under a lot of stress lately.

"Yeah." Katie agrees, "It's going to be fine."



We make it to the house in awkward silence. Katie and I carry the groceries in and she hands me my bag personally. I wrap it up and put it in the pocket of my coat. "Has anyone come down yet?" I ask Dianne as I pull out the eggs.

She shakes her head, "No, but look what I found."
I stop what I'm doing and lean over her shoulder to see what she's holding. "Is that Shawn and Jack?"

"God that's weird to hear." Dianne laughs lightly, I know she's talking about their names. "Yeah, I found it in a box, in the closet over there."

I take a seat beside her and look over the pictures. Jack really does like the boy in the picture, only much younger. Shawn is the one that looks a little different. He had bright blonde hair as a kid, with the same beautiful green eyes. "They're so cute." Katie says from behind me. I didn't hear her come up to us.

Dianne looks up at her, staring for a while. Then she clears her throat, "Sorry it's just, I never thought I would meet Gage's girlfriend before." She pulls out the chair on the other side of her, "Come sit down and look at these." I'm pleasantly surprised by Dianne's acceptance towards Jack.

I mean, this can't be easy on her, learning that her son is alive after eighteen years of thinking otherwise. Yet she's looking at pictures like he never left. "These pictures are from the summers that we visited Matthew. We only lived a couple of hours away but it was hard coming down outside of summers and holidays." The more she flips through the pictures, the less I see of Jack. Until there are no more pictures of Jack and it's all Shawn with his uncle. It's sad to see, but I'm happy that Shawn at least had someone like his uncle.

"Please put that away mom." Shawn says as he walks into the kitchen.

Dianne closes the book and stands up, "I'm allowed to look at pictures."

Shawn pours himself a cup of coffee and turns to her, "Why? It's not like you're in any of them."

He's hurting and lashing out, it's hard to watch. Especially when I don't know how to help him. Dianne doesn't seem to know either. "Okay." She says, setting the book down on the table. "I was a terrible mother, there, is that what you want to hear?"

Shawn laughs humorlessly, shaking his head at her. I've never seen him so broken. "You know what, just forget it." Jack finally makes an appearance, causing this kitchen to feel a lot more cramped. Shawn's eyes narrow on him, "What the hell are you still doing here?"

He points to the coffee pot, "Getting coffee."

At this point, I know things are ready to escalate. I press my hands against Shawn's chest, "Come on, let's go to the living room." He doesn't acknowledge me there so I grab his face and force him to look at me. "Please, Shawn."

He finally agrees, grabbing my hand and leading me to the spacious living room. "Did you say he could stay here last night?" Shawn questions, loud enough for anyone to hear.

"Yes, you can't just run away from your problems Shawn. Or fight them for that matter." I only saw him for a second, but Jack's nose is swollen and bruised.

Shawn is upset still, feelings from last night bubbling up inside him. The only difference is he's sober today and has to think rationally. "You really believe that's my brother?"

"I do, why else would he want to get involved? This whole time, everytime we saw him it was Jack trying to find a way in. He just wants to know his family, why is that so hard to believe?" He has all the money he could ever need, so it's clearly not about that.

Shawn looks up at the hallway, Jack is standing there with his hands deep in his pockets. "Fine, let's say I believe you, then what? We're still strangers. I was nine the last time I saw you, I have no fucking clue who you are."

I think everyone already knows this to be true. There's a whole lifetime between them. Shawn doesn't even have as many memories because he's the youngest. "We could just...talk."

"I would rather hit you."

"Shawn." I chastise, getting his attention.

"What? Livia, in case you've forgotten, he's never struggled a day in his life." He turns to Jack. "You got adopted by a rich family, you got to grow up in the most expensive city in the country, and live your life free of us for a whole eighteen years. That sounds like a great deal to me." He points to his chest. "I got a dead dad, dead brother, and an alcoholic mother. I got abusive boyfriends that stayed long enough to pay the bills, and I worked my ass off to get where I am. You just got lucky in college and became a millionaire." My breath hitches at his words. He has so much hurt in him that I just want to take away. But at least now he's talking. "We are not the same."

I know Dianne and Katie are still in the kitchen, but they can hear everything. "I'm so sorry." Jack whispers. "You're right, my life was good and fulfilling. I have good parents who treated me right. I don't belong here-" Jack takes a step inside the room. "-But you're my brother. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Yeah." Shawn says. "It means I went through hell for nothing." Shawn slips away from my grasp, walking past Jack and back upstairs.

I let out a deep breath and watch as Dianne appears from the kitchen. She has tears in her eyes. "He's right you know. I lost half of my family in New York. I drank all of the time, I dated shit men because I couldn't hold a job. Shawn reminded me so much of what I lost that when I couldn't stand looking at him anymore, I'd ship him off here." Dianne sniffles. "You wouldn't have wanted this life Jack."

Jack closes the space between them, he wraps his arms around her and pulls her in for a hug. Dianne cries on his shoulder, while Katie and I look at each other from across the room. I don't know what she's thinking, but I know what I'm thinking. That I need to go talk to Shawn.


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