CLXIX- Some Nights

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This weekend I leave for Jenny's wedding and I'll take Matthew with me. I think it's a good chance for us to visit Katherine's grave. It's a bit of a drive but it'll be worth it. He'll always know that I'll take care of him. But it's important for him to see his mother and grieve over her as he grows up. I wasn't really able to grieve over my father. I remember being sad at times but Dianne wasn't a fan of it. If we even said my dad's name her mood would change for the whole day.

    That's not the type of person I want to be. Matthew is so much more important than what Katherine got herself involved in. I want him to grow up knowing the real Katherine. The mother away from the drugs and the woman I spent real time with. I may not have loved her, but I never stopped caring about her.

    I get out of bed and walk out to the kitchen. It's gotten pretty hard to sleep through the whole night. My nightmares are gone. I just got so used to sleeping next to Livia. Learning to be without her for this long has proven to be difficult. I never wanted this for us. When I met her I was just so focused on getting her away from Dean, I never stopped to consider what I was doing to myself. I was getting used to being near her. Hearing her voice and her laugh. Some nights I would turn around and pull her close to me, she would grab my hands and hold them to her chest. We would wake up tangled and rested.

The water does little to ease my thirst let alone my mind. Am I stupid to thinks he might care about me still? That my going to this wedding will be our only chance at getting back together? I pour the water out, she's still with Ty. My friend and her rebound. She doesn't really love him, I can see it in her eyes and in her movements.

    When Livia and I were together, things were different. In all of the drama she was still happy with me. I treated her with respect and the love she gave back to me tenfold. We're a perfect match, any fool could see that.

    Giving up on her would be too easy. Boyfriend or no boyfriend. I'm going to Brookview for her.


    Livia's P.O.V.

    Sometimes, when I'm laying down at night. There's a stillness to the air and a peaceful feeling in the dark. It's like the world around me disappears and I can create my own. I'll never tell anyone this, but I close my eyes and picture what my life could've been like with Shawn. In my own world, we're back in Brookview. We're married and living happily ever with the white picket fence and children. I'm a journalist in a local newspaper, and Shawn found a teaching job not far from home.

    Some nights, I think about if we stay in New York. Maybe I can grow in the company after my internship. Or I finish college and find an entry level job at the New York Times. We work a normal boring life, safe and free from judgement or abusive exes.

    The worst nights are closer together. The ones where I turn to see Ty sleeping peacefully next to me. I feel guilty and try to imagine a life with him instead. One of bar investments and charity events. It could be a good life, Layla would show me to run the bar and I could be a part of the whole thing. I even recall how we met and how easy it was to talk to him. Ty is the type of man who thinks the catch is the best part. The flirting and the reeling you in until he has you. He's a good person but his fun is over and he'll slowly realize I'm not the one for him. Ty just doesn't pale in comparison to how I feel about Shawn. We sound good on paper, but we don't match. Any fool can see that.

    I want to tell him not to come with me to Colorado. That we don't fit and this is as good as over. Layla told me not to hurt him, so prolonging the inevitable seems much worse. Then my mom calls me and asks me to tell her everything about my new man. She's so excited to meet someone who isn't my teacher or worst nightmare.

    And as our trip to Jenny's wedding gets closer, the harder it becomes to explain to my mom that it's probably not the best idea. It doesn't matter though, it's all she can talk about. Her dinner planning makes me want to scream because we've all done it before. My father told me he wanted me to date someone like Shawn right in front of him. They loved him before they found out, now they simply tolerate him. 

    I sigh and get out of bed to get some water. The more I leave myself to my thoughts, the more I think about Shawn. I don't know why I dragged Ty into my mess of a life. I didn't deserve to get a chance to be with him. Not when it's Shawn I'm always going to go after.

    I pour the water out and go back to bed.

    If my daydreams don't stop I'll never sleep again.

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