CLI- The Sacrifices We Make

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There's a bright light shining in my face when I wake up. I squint my eyes and lift up my hand to cover my face. That's when I notice the wires hanging from my arm. I'm in a hospital, and I'm alive. "You're awake." Shawn. His voice is hoarse and sad, but God if it isn't beautiful.

I lower my arm just as my eyes adjust to the lighting and see Shawn sitting beside me. He looks exhausted, I lift my hand up and touch his face. "Have you been crying?" I question, noticing the puffiness of his eyes, and the tear stained cheeks.

Shawn sniffles, "Livia, what do you remember?" I think about what I remember last. I remember the sound of his voice last. I also remember what happened. How Dean found out I was pregnant, and got angry. "We need to talk about what happened." He says finally.

"I know what happened." I muster all of my previously dormant strength and sit up on my elbows. "Dean found me in the library and made me go back to the hotel. I remember telling him I was pregnant and he freaked out because it was going to ruin our plans. Then I-" I stop. Suddenly everything that happened after that came back to me. "Oh God..." I look at Shawn. I mean really look at him. He's distraught, he's upset, he's grieving. "No I-" Tears start to fall down my face as realization comes to me. "The baby is gone, isn't it?" I thought it was a girl, we never found out the gender.

Shawn watches me react, and sucks in a shaky breath. "He hit you...really hard, Livia." The words barely leave his lips. It's like he can't breathe anymore.

"No." I deny it. I have to, how could Dean do something like that?

I look at Shawn, his heart is breaking, and I can see that now. "He knew what he was doing. I'm sure the doctor could explain it better but basically, it was already such an early pregnancy and-"

"Say it." I know it's wrong to ask him to say the words out loud. "I need to hear you say it."

Shawn meets my eyes, "It's dead. Our baby is dead." I was wrong to tell him I was pregnant. I should've known Dean would do anything to get me back, even something as cruel as this.

"Where is he?"

"Dean? He's in jail. The police were waiting to take your statement but I told them to go away. I didn't want you to wake up to that." Even in a time of crisis, he still looks out for me.

I reach over and grab his hand again. He holds mine back, squeezing gently and letting me cry. So much has happened that I can't even unpack right now. I'm just left with this feeling of emptiness. "Livia, you're awake."

"Mom?" My mom stands in the doorway, with a cup of hospital coffee in her hand.

She rushes in and hugs me. "I swear to God, Dean is going down for this."

I pull away first. "How did you know I was here?"

"Shawn called me, of course. Everyone is here." She points behind her, "Out in the waiting room."
Everyone? "Who's everyone?"

"Jenny, Becca, Luke, Katie, Hunter, and Seth. Jake stayed with the baby."

"What? Mom why are they here? They have lives I-"

"You almost lost yours, Livia. Again." She almost snaps. "I don't have to remind you that people care about you. They all bought a plane ticket to make sure you were okay." I know she's right but this isn't what I wanted.

Especially since all of this happened because of me. "Okay." I say. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Shawn tells me quietly. "You don't have to see anyone right now."

I nod. "Can I just have a minute. With my mom please?"

"Yeah, I could use some caffeine." Shawn stands up and kisses my forehead before leaving.

My mom smiles at me as she moves to sit on the bed. "He really loves you, you know?" I start crying again so she leans in and wipes my tears. "Hey, it's okay." Her left arm moves to pat my shoulder.

I shake my head, "No, none if this is okay." I meet her eyes, they're just like mine. Only a little brighter. "I was pregnant and when Dean found out he-" I pause, looking down at my white blanket. "I should've listened to Shawn and stayed put at the apartment."

"No. No this is not your fault. Dean would've found you regardless. You could be dead if you didn't run." I know she's right but a part of me still believes I could've prevented this. "Maybe you should come home. At least while you heal."

I wipe my face and shake my head, suddenly feeling heavy. "I can't leave until Dean is put away for a very long time." I'm not sure the kind of charges against him but there's no way he's getting out of this without jail time.

"Okay, honey." She agrees softly. Then she lifts up her hand to move my hair out of my face. "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?"

I grab a tissue by my bed and wipe my snot-filled nose. "It was still early. Shawn and I had barely processed it ourselves. I was going to tell you..." I trail off because I have nothing left to add.

Mom takes a miniature before responding, she was always the type to think before she spoke on a subject. Critical thinking, she called it. "You know, I got pregnant before I had you."

"You did?" This is the first time I'm hearing of this.

"Yeah, but I was working so much and trying to manage school. I guess my stress levels were really high back then and I miscarried." I'm not entirely sure how to handle this information. I lean in and hug her, knowing she really is a great mom. "I love you, baby."

I sniffle, "I love you too, mom."

Shawn walks back in so the two of us pull away. I wipe my tears away and toss the tissue into the trash bin. "Everyone has been asking about you. I told them you're awake." He stays a little far back, attempting to give me some space. "Should I tell them to come in?"

"Actually, I don't think I'm ready to see anyone." I feel terrible for saying that but being bombarded with questions and comments over how tragic my life is, doesn't sound fun. Especially since, "I'm really tired." I have no idea what kind of drugs I'm on, but it's making me ready to fall asleep at any moment.

My mom stands up, "I'll tell them to leave so you can get your rest." She looks up at Shawn, "Are you okay to stay here with her?"

Shawn takes a step forward, "Of course." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his house key. "Take this and go to my apartment. I have some air mattresses and a pull out couch in my office."

Mom smiles and takes the key. "I actually got a hotel, but I'll let the others know. I'm sure they'll appreciate it." She closes the space between us and cups my cheek. "You're good to get discharged whenever so get some rest and get out of here okay?"

I nod. "Thanks, mom."

She leaves after that. I lay back on the bed and adjust the pillow. "I hate sleeping in hospitals." I admit as Shawn takes his seat beside the bed back. "When was the last time you got some sleep?"

He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes. "It's been a while."

Reaching up, I grab his coffee and set it on the bedside table. Then I move over as far as I can and pat the spot next to me. "Come here."

"Livia, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Please?" After everything that's happened, I could care less who sees us. Shawn gives in and climbs into the bed with me. It's a small bed so I end up lying mostly on top of him. "Are you comfortable?" I ask him in a quiet voice.

"Yeah." He whispers back. He begins playing with my hair, it feels nice so I close my eyes. I'm almost fast asleep when I hear Shawn's voice again. "I was so scared. When Jack called me because he couldn't find you."

I lift my head up to look at him. "Hey, I'm here. I'm okay." We may have a loss, but he hasn't lost me. "I love you, Shawn." I remind him.

He caresses my face, just like he always has. "I love you, I love you more than anything in this world. So please, don't scare me like that again."

I kiss him softly and lay my head back on his chest. He'll never have to worry now that Dean is gone. For good this time. "I promise." I say.



After I woke up, it was late. Maybe ten at night. Shawn went to get the doctor on shift. He came in and talked to me about my injuries. No internal injuries, just a whole lot of swelling and bruising. It's a miracle I'm not bed ridden after what he did to me. My clothes had blood stains and vomit on them so Shawn threw them out. He found me some baggy clothes the hospital provided.

Once I got dressed, Shawn helped me get through my discharge paperwork. It's freezing outside, so Shawn gave me his coat. "You don't have to do that." I say as we walk to his Lexus.

Shawn doesn't mention it, only continues to walk with me to the car. The ride back to his apartment is short and quiet. By the time he pulls in, I'm not ready to face my friends inside. "You don't have to go in until you're ready." Shawn reminds me.

I look at him, noticing the level of concern he has for me. "I'm afraid I'll never be ready." I admit. "We might as well, before the drugs that I'm on wear off." He nods and turns the car off. We get inside and walk back to the elevator. I stop in front of it, staring fearfully at the metal doors. "So this is what my life has come to? Being scared of an elevator?" I voice more to myself than to Shawn.

"We can take the stairs."

I take a deep breath and press the button that opens the doors. "No, I'm getting over it." It's not that simple, I know that. Dean already took something important to me, he can't take away elevators too.

Shawn holds my hand as we walk inside the small room. I close my eyes and try to focus on the squeezing sensation of holding his hand. When it starts to move, Shawn winces at how hard I'm holding onto him. "Sorry." I say, opening my eyes and loosening my grip.

"It's okay." He says at the same time the elevator stops and the doors open.

We step out and go to the apartment. Shawn unlocks it and opens it for me to enter first. I step inside, all of my friends are in the living room. "Livia." Becca says, noticing me first. She runs up to me and wraps her arms around me, just like my mom did. I hug her back, even though my body hurts a lot worse now.

Becca and I pull away at the same time Jenny makes her way over. She looks at me, as if trying to gauge my mental health. "I thought you were going to die." She bluntly admits. Becca smacks her arm, "Sorry!" Jenny apologizes. "I just meant that I was worried."

I offer my friend a small smile and open my arms, "I know, come here." Jenny hugs me, allowing me to comfort her instead of the other way around. I pull away after a moment. "I'm going to be okay." I promise everyone even, though I'm not sure if I will be. A lot has happened that I don't think I'm ready to face.

Hunter, Luke, and Seth stay in the living room, unsure of what to do or say. I can't blame them. The last time Hunter and I talked, he had his own things to worry about with Seth. "Katie left with Jack at the hospital. She promised to stop by tomorrow to check on you." Shawn says as he takes his coat off of me and places it on the hook. He turns his attention to Hunter and Seth, "Are you two going back to your apartment tonight?"

Hunter takes a step forward, "Um, yeah. We can go now, I just wanted to make sure Livia was okay." Seth and Hunter walk up to the door and turn to me. "Can we talk when you're feeling better? Please?"

I can hear the desperation in his voice, so I nod. "Yeah, absolutely." They both leave after that, leaving the five of us. I point down the hall, "I'm going to shower and crash so-"

"Yeah we were about to go to bed anyway." Becca chimes in. "We'll see you in the morning."

"Count on it." I promise. "Thank you guys. For coming."

"Of course we would come." Jenny says with a smile, "I've always wanted to go to New York." Everyone laughs at her small joke, including me. It feels nice for a moment but then it's over.

I say goodnight and Shawn tells me he'll meet me once he sets up the beds. I get inside the bedroom and lean my head against the door. I haven't had a moment to myself since I woke up in the hospital. I don't know what to make of everything. I could cry, scream, get angry, but instead I'm just numb.

My hand fumbled over the fabric of my shirt, onto my stomach. Earlier I couldn't feel the pain but now I can. Pushing off of the door, I walk across the room to the bathroom. When I get in front of the mirror, I notice how bad I look. My lip and right eye is swollen, and my hair is matted down and frizzy at the same time. My arms have bruises from where I tried to block him and failed. My fingers grip at the hem of my shirt, just like Dean did. No. I think to myself. Breathe. I take a deep breath and lift my shirt up over my head. It falls to the floor, and I'm left only in my bra before the mirror.

My torso is the scariest sight, bruises and cuts litter me from where Dean wouldn't stop. He wanted my baby gone and he made sure it would happen. I didn't even get to be pregnant enough for the stretch marks. It's almost as if I was never pregnant at all. Almost. "Jesus Christ." Shawn breathes.

I snap my head in his direction, I didn't even hear him come in. My gaze turns back to the mirror. "It doesn't feel as bad as it looks." I tell him, partly to make him feel better and partly because it's the truth. It almost feels nostalgic, standing here, with bruises on my skin. It sounds wrong, but that's the best way I can explain it.

Shawn panics beside me. He walks in the bathroom and looks at my reflection. "Livia, you don't have to pretend to be okay."

I swivel around to face him, "Who's pretending?" I question but before he can answer I move away from him. I pull the curtain back and start the shower. My hand runs over the water until the temperature is correct. "I'm going to shower so you can either stand there staring at me, or take your clothes off."

Shawn gives me a strange look, he doesn't know how to act around me. "I think we should talk about this." I sigh, and begin to strip down. Once I'm completely bare, I get inside the shower. The water stings but I focus on wetting my hair. After a few minutes, Shawn pulls the curtain back and I move to give him room inside. Shawn doesn't say anything at first, he just grabs the shampoo and squirts some into his other hand. When he's done, he lifts up his arms and starts to place it on my hair. I close my eyes as he runs his shampoo lathered fingers through my hair. It feels nice, so I try not to think about the blood he's cleaning out. "I'm going to move you under the water." He tells me softly. I nod so he continues to move my head directly below the stream. Shawn grabs the back of my neck and tilts my head back.

When he's finished, Shawn lifts my head back up and I open my eyes. "Thank you." I say to him.

He tries to smile at me but it falters. "Are you going to talk to me now?"

I look away, "There's nothing to talk about." I'm so tired of talking, and thinking, and being conscious in general.

Shawn must sense this because the next thing I know his arms are around me. The water runs over us still, "I'm sorry I lost the baby." My words drown out the sound of water hitting my skin.

He pulls away from me. "Livia, look at me."

"No." I refuse. "I told Dean I was pregnant. I thought it would help but it didn't. I just made things worse and now..." We both know what's happened.

Shawn lifts up my chin. "It was an early pregnancy, Livia. Anything could have happened, this isn't on you." It's not on him either, yet he's still beating himself over what happened to me.

"Maybe." I say, wanting to end the conversation. I grab the body wash and continue my shower. Shawn does the same in silence. We both know that there's nothing else to say on the subject. What happened happened, and we both feel responsible.

When we're done, I turn the shower off and step out first. I don't feel any cleaner, any better than before I got in. I wrap the towel around my body and walk out of the bathroom to get dressed. I want to wear Shawn's clothes so I go to his drawer. "Livia." I look up at him. He's still wet, with only a towel around him.

I walk up to him and put my finger up to his lips. "Kiss me." I say. Shawn hesitates but then leans in. I press my lips against his first and lift my hands up to rake through his hair.

Shawn indulges me for a moment before gently pulling me off of him. "What are you doing?" He asks, I need him to stop looking at me like he'll break me if he touches me.

"I'm not glass." I remind him. "You're not going to break me, just touch me."

"Livia no, you're clearly not okay right now. Frankly, neither am I. I thought you were going to die."

"I'm fine." I say through my teeth. "I just want to feel something." I move away from him and go back to finding a change of clothes. Once I'm dressed, I walk over to the bed. Shawn watches me, waiting, gauging.

I get under the blankets and start to laugh. "What's funny?"

I keep laughing, "Nothing it's just..." I laugh some more. "I had to cuddle him. Like, actually get into bed and cuddle. Who kidnaps someone to cuddle?" I laugh until my eyes water, it's just so strange to me.

Shawn walks over to bed and gets under the blankets with me. I'm still laughing when he pulls me onto his chest. Soon he begins laughing with me. "You're right, it is funny."

"And sad." I add as my laugh dies down.

"And unfair."

Tears begin to form in my eyes. "It isn't fair." I agree with him as I cry. "I'm so tired, Shawn." I sniffle.

Shawn nods, "Let's get some sleep." He lays back on the bed with me.

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