41 | Snapshots Pt. II

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Nora sat cross-legged on the couch, a throw pillow in her arms. "I hate how angry I am," she said.

Dr. Clem smiled sympathetically. "It takes a lot out of you, doesn't it?"

"It takes out everything."

She nodded. "I want you to try something."

"Yeah?"

"When you see Nolan in the halls, and the anger fills your body, I want you to first, practice your breathing. Calm your body the best you can. Second, I want you to imagine the situation from his point of view."

"I already do that," Nora said.

"Without judgment?"

She opened her mouth. Shut it.

"You are fully entitled to however these events have made you feel," Dr. Clem said. "You in no way need to apologize for feeling hurt or angry."

Nora blinked. She didn't?

"The goal here isn't to deny your right to your emotions, but to get yourself to a happier place—to get back in touch with your empathy, which you already have inside you," Dr. Clem said.

"I do?" Nora asked softly. A while ago, the answer would have been obvious. But with this monster raging inside her...

"You do. I can see it clearly. But you need to be able to see it for yourself."

Nora bit her lip. "I'll try."

Nora pushed the cap back on her eyeliner, set it in her makeup bag, and looked up. Her reflection in the bathroom mirror stared back at her.

She did her makeup in the bathroom every morning. Rachel had given her a shelf for all of her things.

She tilted her head to the side—just staring.

"You're doing the best you can," she said. But what if that's not— "And that's enough."

Her reflection's lips quirked into a half-smile.

Nora looked up from her seat as Nolan entered. She curled her hands into fists, nails digging into her palms.

He was only trying to protect me.

Yeah, but—

How was he supposed to know what to do? He was thrown into a horrible situation, and he did the best he could. Could you ask for anything more?

Her fists loosened.

Andy, Max, and Erin were talking about something, but Nora couldn't hear. She was too busy reciting in her head.

Finally, she looked away from her tray. "Guys," she said. "I have to tell you something."

"So, how have things been?" Willow asked. Her dorm room was dark, save a dim lamp.

"Better," Nora said.

She wasn't quite sure when it happened. Maybe it was in the car, on her way to class, or while she was asleep. But, one morning, Nolan walked into English class, and her anger toward him was gone.

"But I can't forgive myself," Nora said. She was sprawled on Dr. Clem's couch, knees tucked. "And so every time I think about talking to him, I freeze."

"What do you say to yourself that makes you freeze?"

"That I don't deserve to have him in my life."

Dr. Clem nodded. "See, when someone hurts us, tells us we're not good enough, we train ourselves to believe it."

"So how do I...un-believe it?" She grinned at herself. Un-believe was an actual word, right?

"What you might find helpful is to talk to yourself as if you were your friend."

"Huh?"

"Would you tell Willow she doesn't deserve to be happy?"

"Of course not."

"So, you shouldn't tell yourself that, either," Dr. Clem said. "When you catch yourself sinking into the negative, self-deprecating thoughts, stop and think, 'Would I say this to a friend?' And, if not, correct the thought into something more positive or constructive."

"Okay," Nora said.

"And Nora," Dr. Clem said. She smiled, "you deserve to be happy."

You deserve to be happy.

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