"Do I hate myself? Is that why I can't trust nobody else?                                                                                                Do I blame myself?"

To say that I was shocked would be a huge understatement. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My heart was beating at a rapid and unhealthy pace. I couldn't fathom how unrealistic this all felt. Was I hallucinating? Was I dreaming? No, no, I couldn't be. I wasn't.

My father, in the flesh, was standing in front of me, looking as he did all those years ago. His disheveled mop of brown hair sat atop his head and his endless grey eyes brought back a myriad of memories I'd been running from for what seemed like forever. His 5'11 height and broad shoulders were once the highest places I could ever be. 

It was a little crazy, you know? How I'd imagined this moment a million times, had a thousand things I was going to say to him when I saw him, but right now, not a single one did me the mercy of coming to my head.

What was I supposed to say? Hey dad! How've you been? Was I supposed to run into his arms like I was five years old again and he'd swing me around and around and around? I wanted to. God, I wanted to so badly. I wanted to be that little girl again, with a dad. But I couldn't. Because everything had changed the day he decided that I wasn't worth the memory of his deceased wife, I wasn't worth the pain, the tears, I just wasn't worth it. 

So, why was there still a tugging at my heart begging me to crawl back in his arms and never come out? My head knew better, it was telling me that running to him would do nothing but give him leverage to walk out and hurt me again. Lost in my thoughts, I didn't even notice my dad still standing in front of me. Kayden had wrapped a muscled arm around my waist and pulled me impossibly closer to him, as I looked up at him I took in his disoriented, confused look in his sparkling blue eyes.

Then I looked at my dad again, who looked just as conflicted, if not more, as Kayden. He was dressed in his classic blue jeans and a flannel shirt, paired with black sneakers and his backward baseball hat. Yup, my dad was one of those dads. Dragging my mom and me to his baseball games then us dragging him to small café shop concerts. But seeing him right now, had a swarm of emotions storming through my head, my heart ached, like a tornado my feelings were twisting and turning, blowing and spinning, I couldn't stop them. 

Yet, I knew I had to say something. Something to fill this empty silence which felt like a black hole that wouldn't end, where there was no way up, just down. So I took the plunge, I jumped with no hopes or hesitation despite knowing that I wasn't going to hear anything to make up for the years of incessant tears, wrecked sobs, hurt, eternal torture. No one could fix the girl my dad broke by leaving without goodbye all those years ago.

"What are you doing here?" It took everything in me to keep my voice steady right now, my hands were shaking, my chin was trying to wobble, my heart was trembling, but I had to, I couldn't let him in again. Crying would do nothing but show him that the girl he left five years ago, was weak. She had not changed. That would be a lie.

His eyes lit up, and he opened his mouth and closed it multiple times before finally speaking.

"I came to see your mother. It's Christmas, and I just, so many memories. Remember? Your mother was obsessed with Christmas music she'd play it from the middle of November. I'd tell her, Vicky, you're crazy, no one does that. And you'd pop in and defend her. Or all those Friday nights of December, and we'd watch every Christmas movie known to man. The look in your guys' eyes, it was your favorite holiday both of you. I just miss her so much. You grew up to look just like her. Oh, Vallie." His Spanish accent seeping into his voice when he spoke.

That's all it took, Vallie. Suddenly, I forgot all the crap I'd been screaming and warning myself about this whole time, all the "be strongs" and "you're not weaks." They escaped the cage; my mind. I opened my mouth, and I knew I was going to regret letting him inside my head, but he had to know, the years of pain he'd put me through, the little girl in me wondering what she did wrong to have her dad leave her. The countless thoughts that ran through my brain, thoughts no one should ever consider. All because of him. He had to know. Didn't he? It didn't matter now, because I'd already begun, and I was inexorable.

"Thanks. The one person I've ever aspired to be like is mom. I always hope and pray to her residing with the angels now, I dream that she's proud of me. But you can't say that, can you? You'll just go on with your bulls*** on how much you miss her, but do you really? Because the closest thing you had to her, was me. Your daughter, but you left. I was in pieces, crying, papa! But no one, nothing could fix what you broke within me. Nothing can fix that void, now empty space in my heart, left by you, not even you.

Is that what you wanted? To leave your 12-year daughter begging, sobbing, and screaming for her dad, when he left her? Left her to be an orphan, to question her existence? To wonder and wonder and imagine every possible thing she could've done to make her dad leave? I'm going to ask you the one question that's been loitering around in my mind for years now, one that's tearing me apart piece by piece, one that's destroying every inch of that little girl left inside me now. Why did you leave me?" I let out a deep breath, I wasn't crying, not yet, I could feel my throat clog up and the tears creep into my irises, but not yet. I was not to cry yet. But da**, did that feel good. Kayden's grip had loosened as he played with my shivering hands.

Like time ticked at its own pace with no clemency for those around it, the wind blew with no care in the world. It didn't know what was happening here, in this hollow cemetery in front of the grave of the most perfect person in the world. The trees swayed and the leaves danced and pranced as the wind pushed them through until they hit the ground, slowly falling like snowflakes.

 It was a dark night, and I wouldn't be able to see the million different emotions passing like a train through my dad's eyes, the way his brown hair, matching mine, was glowing gold and auburn, if it weren't for the one streetlight a couple of feet away. But that was life, wasn't it? You wouldn't be able to experience the beautiful things in life, see the unutterably breathtaking colors as they frisked and frolicked if it wasn't for that one person in your life who opened your eyes to these things; allowed you to see them, enjoy them.

"I don't know why I left Val. I have no clue. It's stupid and reckless, but I guess I just couldn't get over life without your mother. And then there was you, a living breathing reminder of what I'd lost. But that was before I'm here now. I swear, not one day has passed by without my mind wandering back to thoughts of you. I would pick up my phone, then put it down again, screaming at myself for what I knew I put you through. But you have to believe me that leaving you was just as hard for me, it was hell. Your green eyes, your mother's green eyes haunted me in my sleep. I would talk to walls, Vallie. I lost the one person I loved most in the entire world. And then I lost you." He confessed."No," I said softly, my voice a whisper among the strong breeze.

"No," I repeat, "You didn't lose me. You left me. On purpose. You didn't have control over mum's death, but you had a choice here. And even if I did believe every word coming out of your mouth, it still doesn't explain why it took you five years to come back? Dad, you missed so much, I mean I guess you'll never know what it feels like, at winter concerts when everyone in your class is looking at someone in the crowd, and you have no one to look at. You'll never know what it feels like to not have a dad to protect you from all the perverted guys in the world. 

You'll never know what it feels like to blame yourself for years because you didn't find any other reason as to why your own dad thought you weren't enough. You'll never know what it feels like to never know. To never have answers. God, the pain you put me through these last few years is indescribable. I've hurt too much in your name. I won't anymore. I can't." My words came out in heavy breaths, as I couldn't hold in my tears much longer. I felt like I was watching myself from a faraway corner. I had no control. 

They were ready to flow out. I had to keep them in just a little while longer. Just five more minutes. My dad's eyes now reflected mine, glistening with tears. I couldn't let him phase me. I just need to finish. I have to finish. And then I'll have my peace, I'll have the closure I adjured God for, for so long. I shook my head, as I signaled for him to let me finish before he said anything, anything at all.

"I'm not mad anymore, dad. I let go of my anger for you a long time ago, anger and hatred are the worst things to hold on to because they won't do anything but rip your heart to shreds. I forgive you for leaving all those years ago because that's what God has told me to; to forgive. I don't think I'll ever feel the way I did for you as I did when I was eleven. Right now though, all I feel is grateful. In the craziest, wildest turnabout I am thankful that you left all those years ago. Because, if you didn't I might've never met some of the best people in my life. People who have been there for me when I couldn't take life anymore. When the anxiety crawled inside my head, tore it apart, and sat in the mess. I'm not that little girl you left because these people have made me stronger, helped me believe in myself that I can be happy. 

That you were no longer worth my tears at night. I've accomplished so much already, so many things mom would be proud of me for. I don't need you anymore. But I firmly believe that you can't ever stop loving someone, and I loved you for fifteen years, I don't know how to stop. Nevertheless, the feeling isn't nearly as powerful as it once was, so I'll be okay. 

The memories we've made together, everything you've taught me will forever keep a residence in my heart. The only difference is that I'm letting you go, as you once did me, and maybe in the future, I'll see you again and we can attempt rebuilding the Pompeii of my heart, or maybe we won't. But that's all I have to say for now. Goodbye, dad."

With that, I walked past him with Kayden trailing behind me. My heart was beating so loudly China could probably hear it. My eyes had tears threatening to fall, and when I got to the car, I broke. The resolve, the fake confidence, the nonchalance, the maturity fell apart. I cried. I sobbed. I wailed. I wept. For the man who I had once been proud to call my father. I had missed him so damn much, but he didn't deserve my love again. I'd forgiven him and I thought it would make me feel infinitely better, but it didn't, I feel like I had just let the one person who was once my favorite person in the world go. 

That's exactly what I had just done. And it broke me. Every piece of me longed to run back to him, to just have one more night with him all those years ago, to be us. But I knew what I had done was the best for me. And sometimes, that came first. Kayden caught me as my legs gave out from under me, and we sat in the trunk of his baby blue truck which paralleled his eyes, and I cried into his chest. I cried for a long time, I don't know how long, but I remember hearing him talking to Lily on the phone, asking her to reschedule. But after that everything was a haze, the world looked blurry through my tear-filled eyes.

That night, through my endless tears, through Kayden holding on to me so tight telling me everything would be okay; I believed him because his voice was strong but soft, firm yet smooth. I also realized something. Everyone has a place, a sanctuary where they ran too when they couldn't escape the storm of life, and the waves were too high for them to jump over. I had one too, but mine wasn't a place, much rather a person, that person was Kayden. I'd run to him over and over and over again, and I pray that he never leaves because I can no longer imagine living this life without him. 

A/N: Hey Y'all.... we're back and this chapter literally made me cry. We love you guys so much and we're so grateful for each and every one of you. Keep reading and don't forget to show a little self love. You guys are worth so much and each and every one of you deserve the world. Remember that.

QOTC: What did you do this week to show yourself that you love yourself?

ps: If you didn't do anything try pep talking yourself in front of the mirror. It works like a charm I swear.

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Signing off for now,