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Somehow, both Hazel and Alex have talked me into coming to one of DU's hockey games. They both claimed that it would be a break from a tough week of finals, and nearly begged me to go. I said no to Hazel quite easily, but declining the invitation from Alex didn't go as well. He was just so excited at the idea of me watching him play that I didn't want to let him down, especially with the very real possibility of him having to quit hockey next year. Hence the reason why I currently sit next to Hazel in the bleachers, surrounded by sports fanatics dressed in Denver's team attire of red and gold.

It's easy for me to spot Alex, my gaze is naturally drawn to him as he flies down the ice with the puck. I've never watched a hockey game before now, let alone been to one, so I don't understand a lot of the lingo both the fans and the announcer use, but I have to admit it's still a thrill, and honestly a turn-on, to witness.

The excitement of the crowd is contagious and I find myself standing and cheering with them.

"I thought you didn't like sports," Hazel teases, elbowing me lightly in the ribs.

I roll my eyes at her, biting down on my lower lip to keep from smiling. "I don't," I assure her. "I just like the man playing the sport."

It's Hazel's turn to roll her eyes, and she does so as she flips her long blonde hair over her shoulder. "It's pretty hot, right?" she asks in a whisper. "Seeing them out on the ice like this I mean."

"Hazel," I chastise with a laugh.

"What?" she asks innocently. "I'm just saying I understand the whole idea behind puck bunnies now." She gestures the a row of bleachers below us to prove her point. A group of girls in white t-shirts have painted numbers on them with red and gold.

"Oh god, are we puck bunnies?" I ask in horror, clamping my hand over my mouth.

Hazel gives me a stern look. "Oh please, babe. We have the real thing. Including jerseys." She pulls back her jacket, showing off Tyler's jersey she's wearing.

One of the opposing team's players is slammed into the boards, causing the crowd to go wild around us. My eyes dart to the obviously wounded player to find Alex being led to the penalty box by a referee. He throws his helmet down once sitting and yells a few profanities in the direction of the ref.

"What happened?" I ask, raising my head to get a better look.

"I don't know," Hazel replies softly. "I guess he made some kind of illegal play?"

Alex watches his teammates intently, throwing his arms up in exasperation several times as they lose control of the puck.

I find myself sitting on the edge of my seat with anticipation as the game continues, completely in a trance as Alex is allowed back out onto the ice again. He's a confident person by nature off the ice, but the way it transfers even more so on the rink is extraordinary. Despite his height and decent amount of bulk, he flies down the ice with ease, weaving between players effortlessly before passing the puck to another teammate who manages to make a shot.

It's the last goal made throughout the rest of the game, and luckily the opposing team doesn't score either, meaning that DU has won by a single point. I never would've guessed that I'd be able to sit through watching men pass around a small chunk of rubber, but it was amazing.

Hazel and I follow the swarm of fans out of the stands and wait near the locker room doors for Alex and Tyler. I can't help but notice the group of girls who are also waiting near the locker room, some of them with Alex's jersey number—twenty-seven—painted on their low-cut shirts. There's no doubt in my mind that they know who I am and who I'm waiting for, and a tight, jealous knot forms in the pit of my stomach in response.

But as Alex steps out close to fifteen minutes later, I know there's no reason to feel jealous because his attention is only on me. His brown eyes are still alight with adrenaline from the game, a predatory smirk plastered across his face as he walks up to me. I open my arms up, expecting a hug, but instead he drops his gym bag on the floor and takes the opportunity to lift me up and press his mouth to mine.

I'm vaguely aware of Hazel clearing her throat next to us as Alex pushes my back up against the wall, his large hands coming up to cup my bottom as my legs tangle behind his hips. The embarrassment of the public display of affection hasn't caught up to me yet; instead, I'm entirely focused on just how good his lips feel against mine. The way his growing stubble scratches my cheeks. The way his tongue glides against my own, filling my mouth with the taste of the peppermint gum he was chewing. And I am distinctly aware of his hands squeezing my butt.

"Dude, you're acting like you've never kissed a girl before," Tyler says with a laugh, breaking me from the trance I've been in.

I pull back, my face heated. "Hi," I breathe.

Alex chuckles, the sound vibrating against my chest, and gently sets me down. "Hi," he murmurs, bending to kiss the tip of my nose lightly. "Did you enjoy the game?"

I hum my agreement, too nervous to tell him exactly how excited it got me. How watching his aggression on the ice got me strangely...hot.

A chorus of chatter sounds from a few feet away where the group of girls are watching us with slack jaws. Well, if they didn't know that Alex and I have upgraded our friendship to a relationship, they certainly know now.

I have to press my lips together into a firm line to stop the shit-eating grin that wants to overtake my entire face. That's right. He chose me. I tell myself internally, resisting the urge to stick my tongue out at them. I opt for a more subtle approach, and raise an eyebrow at them, wrapping a possessive arm around Alex's waist.

He catches where I'm looking and another laugh rumbles in his chest. "Territorial are we?" he teases as he stoops down to pick up his gym bag again and sling it over his shoulder. "What's next, Mabes? You gonna piss on me?"

"Not unless you're into it," I reply with an innocent grin.

He shakes his head, tugging me closer into his side. "You're something else, woman."

The four of us decide to meet up at a local pizzeria since the boys are "famished," and I have my first—unplanned—double date. There's no pressure to it, which is a relief to me, and we spend two hours laughing and sharing stories over slices of cheesy goodness. Between the game and the late dinner, I don't have time to fret over my exam grades, but it's also the last time I'll be able to see Alex and Hazel for a while since Christmas break is coming up, and it leaves me with a bittersweet feeling.

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"Do you want me to walk you up?" Alex offers as he parks the truck in my dorm's designated parking area.

I shift in my seat, wringing my hands in my lap. I don't want the night to end. "Sure," I mumble softly, too anxious to peek up at him.

Alex notices my hesitation instantly, and reaches out to cup my face, lifting my head so our gazes meet. His deep brown eyes regard me with tenderness, his lips twisting downwards into a frown. "What's wrong, Mabes?"

"My flight leaves for Washington tomorrow," I answer quietly.

He cocks his head to one side, trailing his thumb along my jaw. "I thought you were excited to see your Aunt Jo."

"I was. I mean I am." I let out a frustrated sigh, my hands balling into fists in my lap as I struggle to find the right things to say. "I won't be able to see you for a few weeks."

Understanding shines clear in his expression and his dimples appear as he grins at me. "You're gonna to miss me."

"Shut up," I grumble, moving my face from his reach.

"C'mon now Mabes, you know I'm kidding around. I'll miss you too."

"You will?" I ask so eagerly that it's embarrassing.

Tone it down, I remind myself.

"Do you want me to spend the night then?" Alex asks. "Since it'll be our last together in a while."

"If you want to," I reply in an attempt to keep my cool.

"You can tell me if you want me to, Mabes," he says knowingly. "It's okay to want me to do shit, you just have to tell me."

I let out a huff, blowing my bangs up in the process. "Fine. Will you stay the night?"

"Hmm..." he trails off, rubbing his chin. "Nah."

"Alex!" I whine, smacking his chest lightly with the back of my hand. "That's cruel."

He grins again, his white teeth flashing in the dark. "Of course I'll stay."

A text from Hazel lets me know that she'll be staying at Alex's rented house with Tyler for the night, and I tuck away my phone after reading it, my heart pounding erratically in my chest as I lead Alex up the stairs.  We'll have the place to ourselves, and though I've spent the night with him before, somehow it just feels more intimate. There's a promise of goodbye when we wake up tomorrow, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

An irrational, but still nagging, thought crosses my mind, shouting one of my worst fears loud and clear. What if he meets up with an old ex while in Maine? What if he gets bored because we'll be away from each other for a few weeks?

I try to ignore the insecure voice in my head but it's still there, taunting me.

Alex plops down on my bed while I load Netflix on my laptop for us. He changed into a plain black t-shirt and dark grey sweats after the game, and even though it's practically the most casual thing he could possibly wear, it still makes my breath hitch in my throat. His golden brown hair hangs flat on his forehead, the bangs nearly touching his eyes, and he fidgets with them, letting out an annoyed huff as he tries to get them out of his face.

"Want a bobby-pin?" I tease as I crawl up onto the bed next to him.

"It's annoying. You always have your bangs down, I don't know how you do it," he mutters.

"It's because I'm a woman. We do strange things to make ourselves attractive," I tell him as I snuggle into his side, pulling a throw blanket over us.

"Bangs or not, you're gorgeous and you know it," Alex says, ruffling my hair before wrapping his arm around my shoulders and tugging me against his chest.

"You think I'm pretty?"

The opening credits to the dark, dramatic movie I picked out rattle the speakers of my computer.

"No," Alex responds, causing my face to fall. "Don't look at me like that, Mabes. You're not just pretty. You're fucking beautiful, smart, and shit-load of other adjectives okay?"

But for how long will he think that? The little voice in my head asks. How long until some other girl comes along and he wants her instead? What then?

I hide my face in his shirt. "Okay."

Close to an hour passes and the movie is nearly half way through, but I can't shake the self-deprecating thoughts/voice from my head. Alex appears to be enjoying the movie, but I've hardly been able to focus on it. I can't help but wish that I still had Nichole to talk me through these feelings of inadequacy. Feeling like I'm not good enough, not interesting enough, not experienced enough, to hold Alex's attention through the holiday break. I know she wouldn't necessarily say that it's wrong to be feeling the way I am, but I could really use her encouragement.

Maybe I should just take things into my own hands. Literally. My teeth clamp down on my lower lip as I nuzzle the side of my face further into Alex's chest, and I let my hand trail down his stomach.

He breathes out heavily through his nose, the exhale tickling my head as it jostles my hair, and the hand he's been rubbing over my back suddenly stills.

I run my palm further down, noticing the way the muscles in his abdomen tighten even further under my touch. Tentatively, I let my index finger curl under the waistband of his sweats and drag it downward, revealing his boxers.

"Mabes?" Alex chokes out in a whisper, his other hand coming to rest on my own. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing?" I don't mean for it to, but my reply comes out as a question.

I dip my hand under his pants, palming the length of him through his boxers. Alex inhales sharply through his teeth in response, his hips flexing up against my hand as the most intimate part of him begins to grow.

What next? Should I climb on top of him? A knot forms in my stomach at the thought, and I silently will my hands to keep from shaking. I think back to freshman year when Hazel showed me her porn collection. It was before she started setting me up on dates, claiming that she didn't want me to get freaked out when I finally came into contact with a man's dick. The other night hadn't been so hard because I had Alex showing me what to do, but actually initiating things is entirely different.

Guys like that, right? I try to remember how it was approached in the scenes I had watched. I'm probably going to lose my virginity to him anyway. Why prolong the inevitable?

I slide out of his grasp and shift so I'm straddling his knees, reaching out with both hands to loop my thumbs under the waistband of both his pants and underwear.

Alex senses my intentions and quickly sits up, cupping my cheeks in both hands and steering it up so he can see my face. "You don't have to do that."

"I want to," I tell him quietly.

Alex shakes his head sternly and moves his hands to my hips, pulling me up his body until our chests touch. I'm poked by his growing erection on my inner thigh, and the realization that I'm doing that to him causes a warmth to spread in my lower belly.

He's fully sitting up now with me resting in his lap. "Where did this come from, babe?" he asks gently, almost as though he's afraid to voice the question.

I don't answer, and instead softly rock my hips against him, causing a low growl to echo in his throat. The sound makes my thighs clench around him involuntarily.

"Fuck, Mabes." Who would've thought that his nickname for me would sound so erotic? I certainly didn't. "Why are you doing this all of a sudden?"

"Do you not want to...?" I ask uncertainly. It hadn't even occurred to me that maybe Alex didn't want to take our relationship to the next level.

He flips us over so he's hovering on top, and pushes his erection against me. The friction it produces against the sensitive bundle of nerves causes a breathy moan to fly past my lips.

Oh God.

"Does it feel like I don't want to?" He whispers into my throat.

"No," I answer breathlessly.

His lips graze my collar bone, eliciting a shiver from me. "Will you tell me what's going on with you tonight? As much as I want to do this, I'm not about to for the wrong reasons." Alex lifts his head to face me and regards me with a sense of sobriety. Lust still burns in his deep brown eyes, but he's holding it back.

"I'm just...anxious."

"What about?"

"Me. You. Us."

The corners of his mouth twitch into a soft smile. "This break will fly by, Mabes. We can text, call, Skype each other."

I have the sudden urge to bite my tongue, but I hold back. I know that I have to let Alex know my fears, however irrational they may be. I know that I have to let him in.

"I'm not worried about that," I tell him earnestly. I know that Alex will do his best to try and keep in contact.

"Then what?"

"We haven't really discussed if we're...exclusive."

He makes a sharp sound that startles me, and it takes me a moment to realize that he's laughing, his shoulders shaking as he tries to keep it in.

"Seriously? That's what you're worried about, Mabes?" He asks, leaning forward to plant a kiss on my forehead. "I wouldn't even dream of cheating on you, or anyone for that matter, I'm not that type of guy."

I wrinkle my nose at him, causing Alex to let out a sigh.

"Look, I know that I have a reputation of being a player around campus," he admits quietly, almost sounding as though he's ashamed. "I want you to know that I don't fuck around when it comes to relationships. Hell, even when we were just friends I couldn't get it up for anyone else."

"What do you mean?" I ask cautiously, my eyes narrowing with skepticism.

"I mean, since after the night we met I haven't fucked around with anyone else."

A nervous laugh bubbles up past my lips, and I can't help but roll my eyes at him. "You don't need to lie, Alex. I'm not going to be mad if you tell me you had sex with someone while we were friends."

He lifts a hand to flick me gently on the tip of my nose. "I'm not lying," he says with a surprising amount of sincerity.

"Oh," is all I can muster up the courage to respond with.

"Yeah, oh. Despite what everyone else, and apparently you think, I am able to be in a monogamous relationship. Commitment has never been the problem," he whispers.

I touch the edge of his jaw with my fingertips, trailing them lightly along the coarse stubble. "I didn't mean it like that," I reassure him softly. "I promise that my fears are more about my own insecurities than anything else."

"Meaning what exactly? What are you so afraid of, babe?"

"That I'm not good enough," I blurt out, lowering my eyes. "I'm scared that you'll get bored with me because I'm not as...experienced as you or the other girls you've been with."

"Is that why you stuck your hand down my pants? Because you're worried that if you don't let me fuck you I'll leave?"

"That sounds so dirty to say it out loud," I mutter, burying my face in both hands.

"You don't need to worry about that kind of shit, okay?" Alex places gentle kisses on the backs of my hands, causing my cheeks to heat in embarrassment. "I'm not going anywhere. And I would really like it if you would just trust me a little, alright? I need you to trust that I'm not gonna be some douche who ditches you because you're hesitant to cash in your v-card."

"I'm not hesitant," I protest into my palms, my words sounding muffled.

"Alright maybe that was the wrong word," he allows. "But I honestly don't think you're ready for that, babe."

I let my hands slide down my face to peek up at him. He's watching me warily, his lips pressed firmly together.

I'm suddenly overcome with the urge to cry. My eyes sting at his words as I fight back tears that threaten to spill over.

I'm such an idiot, I chastise