c h a p t e r. 37

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"There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature."
― Jane Austen

chapter 37

"I can't stop fighting," Bar told her, hating his life. Hating what he has to do to survive it when most times he doesn't even want to.

Clementine's eyes flashed, "Why n-not?"

"It... I just need-- I just want to, okay?"

Lie.

Lie.

Lie.

When will he ever get to stop lying?

"No, it's not o-okay!" She throws her hands into the air. "Look at you, Oly, you're bleeding and hurt and I'm, and I'm tired of seeing you like t-that."

"I'll be more careful, I'll be hurt less," Bar says, cautious of Clementine's rising tone. He doesn't wasn't to fight with her. "But I need you to understand that I can't give up fighting. I need to do it."

"Why?" Clementine says, tone begging to understand something out of her reach. "Why do you n-need to fight?"

"If I don't then something bad happens."

"Like with your, with y-your cuts?"

Bar tensed, "Not exactly."

"Then explain, help me understand why you h-have to put yourself in danger," She said. "What bad thing is, is going t-to happen?"

His sister could get beat by his father just like Bar did monthly.

"I don't," The brute couldn't tell her the truth. He felt like his father was ruining his relationship and Talmai wasn't even there. "I don't know, okay? It just is."

"This isn't s-some s-sup-super--" Clementine took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. When she opened them, there was a whole new emotion inside. "This isn't some superstitious, l-let's phone a friend for the answer. It's, it's a yes or no, simple question. Why can't you stop f-fighting?"

"Because I can't."

"That doesn't m-make any sense!" Clementine yelled. "You realize that, right, you realize that y-you need to, to stop fighting? You are going to get yourself killed, Oly!"

"So what?" Bar yells back. "So what if I fucking get killed?"

So much has happened in such a small timeframe and it was getting to him. His brain needed a break, he needed to process but things just kept happening, not allowing him to.

But life was like that.

It didn't care if someone had the time, it didn't care if they were prepared or not.

It just kicked them in the face regardless if they saw the boot coming right at them.

Clementine stared wide-eyed up at Bar and he realized that was the first time he ever yelled, his bullying years excluded.

He just yelled at her...

"So what if y-you get killed?" Clementine repeated, voice barely above a whisper. "If you get killed, do you know what would happen? I would die along with you, Oly! I love you. Gwen loves you and so does Auggie and Law and you c-can't, you can't just say stuff like that."

"I know, I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me today."

"Stop saying sorry," Clementine actually glares at him now. "I-I don't want your apologies, I want you to stop fighting. I want you, I want you to have a life with me, Oly-- a life together, for however long as we live. And I can't do t-that with you if, if you get killed fighting people every single month."

"I won't get killed," Bar said. "I haven't been seriously hurt in years and--"

"That's a lie! You got a concussion last year, I-I heard Auggie make a joke about it." Clementine grumbled. "That's seriously hurt."

"It was a bump to my head." One made by Talmai putting Bar's head through a literal door. "I was fine, I didn't even have to go to the doctors."

"That's not being f-fine," Clementine snapped. "Being fine is h-having no injuries. No bruises, no busted knuckles, and n-no cuts. Did the guy y-you fight use brass knuckles or something?"

"No," Bar shook his head.

"Great, so he just hit y-you really hard then," Clementine mutters. "I'm serious, Oly, you need to stop fighting. I can't... I can't keep b-being around you when you fight. It hurts-- it hurts so much knowing you don't c-care enough about yourself to protect you."

"That's not it," Bar became panicked. "I've been fighting for so long, it's not that I don't care about myself. I do, you showed me how. I won't go around you after a fight until I get cleaned up or--"

"No, Oly," Clementine shook her head, small body tense and sadness in her eyes. "That's not, that's not e-enough."

He paused, "What do you mean?"

"I c-can't, I can't watch as you kill yourself, Oly. And I-I know your upset about your m-mom but that doesn't mean you can just, just run away and get into a fight. I c-can't do it."

"You can't see me fight?"

"I can't see y-you fight and, and knowing that it's for, that it's for no reason, that every time you... each time you c-come home there's a whole new set of bruises I, I see on you."

"I'm doing this to protect people," Bar said, dark eyes wide and begging. "I'm doing all of this for you and Gwen. I'm doing this for a reason."

She can't know about Bar's father but surely— surely she could trust him when he said it was for her.

When he said that he can't stop.

Because stopping would hurt Gwen.

Because stopping could make his father find out about Clementine, and hurt her, too.

"When are you going to see that?" He asks. "I need to fight-- I need to fight to protect you."

The words came out harsher than intended and Clementine took a step as if those words physically hurt her.

Bar moved back too.

"Maybe," She whispered. "When you realized I'm trying t-to protect you too."

He knows that. Of course, he knows that.

But she doesn't know everything.

She doesn't know how much of his own blood has been spilled to protect his little sister.

She doesn't know how many days he stopped himself from ending his own life simply to protect Gwen from his father.

And his father? She doesn't know about him, either.

She doesn't know how horrible he is, how soul-breaking having a father like that can be.

"Please," Bar begged, reaching out to touch her but-- but she flinched back. The brute froze. He scared her. "Please, don't do this. I don't want to fight with you, I'll do better, please. I won't--- I won't try to fight anymore, I--"

"Oly," Clementine's voice was crying with her. "You already had a chance to do better. I love you but each--" Her voice hitched. "Each t-time I, I see those bruises on you and know that y-you got into a fight it-- it breaks m-my heart. I can't be with y-you if you fight."

She's... she's breaking up with him?

She's breaking her promise. She's leaving.

She's not supposed to leave him. She's not supposed to break promises like that.

He had warned her, he had told her before that he couldn't stop fighting, that he would disappoint her.

Didn't she listen?

Didn't she know that Bar was going to have bruises etched into his like scars?

Why is she leaving him?

Why does everyone leave him?

"I can't do that, I can't stop," Bar whispered out, hoping this is all some terrible nightmare as tears breach his dark eyes. "Please, don't leave me. Please, I love you."

Those words aren't supposed to be begged out like that.

"Don't end this." Those tears are loose now and burning as they go down his cheeks. "Don't leave me all alone, please, please. We have-- we have something really good, please, babygirl. Don't end this-- don't end us. Please, please."

Why is this the promise that gets broken?

Why?

Hasn't he gone through enough pain?

"I can't do this anymore," Clementine cupped her mouth as a sob broke from their lips. "I can't love y-you and just, and just watch as-- as you l-let yourself get h-hurt. I can't do that, Oly. I can't."

And he can't stop protecting Gwen-- he can't tell Clementine about his father, either.

Not when Talmai would kill him, and Clementine, and Gwen-- like his father had threatened to do so so many times-- if Bar told someone about the abuse.

Would he rather lose her or would he rather lose his life?

It's not fair that he has to make that decision.

It's not fair that he's losing the only person who taught him he was capable of being loved due to the man who taught him he had no heart and no love to give.

But Talmai was wrong. He was the heartless one, not Bar.

But bar's heart was being crushed, so did he really have a right to claim that anymore?

"I love you," Tears fell down Bar's cheeks-- angry, shameful, heartbroken tears. "I'll always love no, no matter what happens. No matter what happens tonight. No matter if you ever want me or not. I love you and I always will. I love you."

Clementine didn't say it back.

And that hurt more than anything else.

She stumbled away, taking Bar's heart with her and leaving him empty, tears staining both of their cheeks.

Bar watched as Clementine paused by the door to butterfly land, her body shaking just like his.

"Please," She said. "Don't talk to me until... I can't-- I couldn't handle it."

Bar nodded, but she didn't even turn to see it.

And then the goddess left him there-- sobbing and full of faith for a deity who no longer liked the way he worshiped.

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