"'You love me. Real or not real?' I tell him, 'Real.'"
― Suzanne Collins

chapter 36

Once Bar was in his father's living room with a glaring Talmai not even five feet away from him, he realized that this probably will end very, very badly.

But he didn't care.

For most of his life, things have been ending badly for the brute, one more night isn't going to kill him.

His father looked at Bar over his beer, dark eyes locked onto his son who stood tense and with his heart racing in his chest, "What did you need to talk to me about, Bart?"

"You lied to me," Bar spit out, a pool of rage now sinking into his veins while looking into his father's face. "For eighteen goddamn years you lied to me."

For eighteen years he was belittled.

For eighteen years he was abused.

For eighteen years he thought his mother was dead.

Because of him.

"Watch your tone, boy," Talmai warned, fists clenching as he stood up.

"Fuck you," Bar growled back. "I'm sick of being so scared of you, I'm sick of you doing whatever you want and getting away with it. I'm so fucking sick of you!"

"Last time I'll tell you to watch what you say before I start making you." Talmai got right into Bar's face but the brute didn't back down.

This was his father. This was his abuser. This is who made his life hell. This is who turned Bar into a monster so he wasn't the only deplorable creature around.

Talmai should be very, very afraid of the monster he created.

"So what?" Bar challenged. "Is this the last time you're going to tell me that my mom died too even when that's a fucking lie? Even though she left because you're a deadbeat asshole who can't get his shit together--"

The brute had no time to prepare before Talmai tackled him, the beer glass shattered onto the floor and cut into Bar's skin.

They landed together, hands shoving and feet kicking as one monster tried to overpower the other.

Talmai's hand eventually pushed Bar's face right into the ground, slamming his elbow into his son's cheekbone before crouching over his and screamed, "You have no idea what you're talking about, you worthless bastard."

"I know enough," Bar tried to push his father away but Talmai started to kick him and he couldn't breathe, lungs screaming in agony as his large body jolted.

"Stupid boy," Talmai rammed the heel of his foot into Bar's ribs.

"I'm," Bar gasped from the pain rocketing through him but caught his father's leg when he went to deliver the next blow. "Not." He pulled his father onto the ground in a strong tug, switching their positions and sending a powerful punch to Talmai's face. "Fucking stupid."

Bar and Talmai were a fighting mass of busted knuckles, bloody cheeks, cuts, and forming bruises.

Bar released his betrayals onto his father's skin and Talmai used the brute as a punching bag, each blow backed up by anger.

It felt like hours of them going at one another like wolves fighting in the wild before Talmai managed to get Bar into a lock.

The brute panted, large body struggling to get momentum to get out of the hold but couldn't.

Talmai was a police officer, he was used to taking down people bigger than him.

Bar should've known he wouldn't have won.

"You are a useless bastard," Talmai spits out. "I don't know how you latest thing long without blowing your own brains out."

He tried his luck with blades instead and because he's a good big brother, that's why.

"Stupid fucker, you know you'll never be worth anything to anyone." His father spits out, hand curling into his son's hair and slamming his head into the wall next to them.

Bar crashed into the floor, shaking limbs trying to hold him up.

He couldn't tell which part of his body hurt more.

Even disorientated as he groaned out from the pain, Bar didn't believe him. The brute didn't believe a fucking word that was coming out of Talmai's mouth.

"I beat that knowledge into you correctly, boy." Talmai kicked Bar in the stomach making him hiss through his teeth. "No one will ever want you. You are nothing."

That wasn't true.

Clementine wanted him.

He was someone to her, he was something to Gus and Law and his little sister, too.

He was important.

Talmai wasn't.

Bar stayed silent.

Even as the blood rushed down his face and arms and even as his heart pounded behind his ears, he didn't say anything.

Even as his father belittled him, he didn't say anything. Bar knew who he was, he didn't need Talmai to tell him, his mouth remained closed.

Even as his father beat him as he had done so many times before, nothing passed his lips.

After his father got bored with the beating, he left Bar on the floor, bleeding and bruised.

Uncaring of the damage he had caused.

Gasping, Bar holds his burning ribs and just stares at the ceiling while he tries to get his thoughts together.

Each movement as he tried to stand up caused a throbbing pain to go through his skull.

Bar makes it out to his car and waits in the driver's seat, calling his best friends, until his head is clear enough to drive.

He goes to his safe haven, to butterfly land, and he loses himself.

Furious and aching and screaming, Bar throws a punch and it lands on a tree, the wood creaking its protest.

He punches it again and blood bursts from his knuckles, dripping down the bark.

The butterflies move away from him, feeling the anger.

Bar's head pounds.

His heart clashes with his ribs.

His punches knock into the trees and they sneer down at him, whispers among the leaves.

The butterflies are silent. They feel his pain but they don't say a single thing.

Innocent things like that don't talk to monsters.

His fists pound against the bark, over and over, again and again and again, and he hears bones crack but it's not his own, it's not in this moment, it's an echo of pain.

His blood on his hands now is no less satisfying than if it would have been all his father's instead of a mix between the two.

Bar's tears are like the shattered glass of a beer bottle, they hurt.

He is not himself at this moment, he is his damaged pieces.

He throws his head back and roars out his pain.

Tonight his tears are weapons.

Tonight he is a mix of busted knuckles, broken spirits, and adrenaline.

The forest echoes with his scream of pain and it yells back 'no more'.

He can't listen.

He creates as many bruises as he can to destroy the destruction left behind in his soul.

It's not good enough to erase that kind of pain.

Hearing two pairs of footsteps past the heartbeat behind his ears and coming towards him, Bar stops, hands above his head as he leans against the tree, breathing heavy.

He needs to pull himself together.

Bar started by wiping the blood off of his chin and pretended that he was fine. That he was standing strong with no wounds.

He repeated to himself: You made a promise. You made a promise. You made a promise.

No more hurting yourself.

Bar whispered an apology to the tree and one to himself, too.

Then, he went to where the entrance to butterfly land was and leaned against a tree, waiting for his best friends.

"Motherfucker!" Someone shouted after a loud snap went through the woods.

"Shh, you dull avocado!" Someone snapped back. "You can't say that here, there's children! Say Oedipus instead."

"The hell are you going on about?" Law asks, voice becoming clearer as they get closer to butterfly land's walls. "There's no children out here."

"Caterpillars count."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No-- ow!" Law started to grumbled swear words. "Why are there so many goddamn sticks?”

"Law, man, I hate to break it to you but we're kind of in the middle of the woods." Gus sounded so sympathetic that a small grin tugged at Bar's lips. "And woods have sticks."

"Wow, I like, so didn't know that," Law sarcastically replied.

"It much be bliss in that ignorant brain of yours."

"You're an ass."

"Aw! You do love me," Gus cheered. "I love you too, man."

"Ugh."

Then his best friends are coming into Bar's sanctuary, both of their eyes searching for the brute and finding him in seconds.

"Are you okay?" Gus rushes towards Bar, Law right behind him. "What happened with your dad?"

"I'm fine," Bar winces as he says this. "Dad didn't deny it, he just got angry and you know what happens when he's angry."

"Bruised ribs?" Law guesses, eyeing his best friend up and down.

Gus grabs Bar's hand with care and holds it up, "And bloody knuckles. Did you fight him?"

"Yeah."

The goof and the nerd share a worried look before Gus asks, "What do you mean?"

"I mean he tackled me and I was angry enough that I just--" Bar sighs, hands coming up to cover his face. "We fought. The bastard won and did this," He motions to the bruises on his face. "I got no answers."

Bar knew, that because he fought his father back, that the next time he went over there that he will have hell to pay.

Hell in the shape of harm-intending fists, sharp kicks, and insults hurled down at him.

He remembered how he felt so strong standing over his father about a month ago, threatening Talmai after the deadbeat tried to hit Gwen.

Where was that feeling now? Where was his strength?

Bar felt like a beast hiding in a little boy's skin, terrified of the monster under the bed but he was the monster under the bed.

And, unfortunately, there was no one to save him from himself.

"New rule, okay dumbasses," Law said. "If two of us think something is a really fucking bad idea, the other can't do it. Bad decisions have to be a collective vote. Agreed?"

Gus and Bar both raised their right hand in a yes.

It's then that Bar's thoughts go in a completely different direction and he asks, "How's my baby?"

"Honestly?" Law grimaces. "Pissed."

"I fucked up?"

Of course, he did. When doesn't he ruin something?

"Yeah," Gus nods. "You said you'd meet her after you talked to the not-mom and then didn't answer her calls or texts after you left."

"Shit," Bar drags a tired hand down his face, wincing as he puts pressure on his bruises. "What will she think when she sees me?"

"Nothing good," Gus shrugs. "But we can help you come up with something."

"Yeah man, we got you."

"A-and what?" A sharp, soft voice breaks into their conversation, making the trio of best friends jump. "Help him lie?"

Bar's dark eyes met Clementine's minty ones as she tentatively walked closer.

He is so fucked.

"Baby, it's not like that." Bar started forward but when Clementine took a hurried step back, he paused. "They just... they were going to help me explain why I left."

Really? That's the lie he uses to cover up a different lie?

Fantastic.

"Why y-you left and, and got into a fight, it seems," The little goddess crossed her arms, an upset pout on her lips, minty eyes scanning Bar from head to toe.

Bar, apprehensive about the slight anger and pain in Clementine's eyes, softly says, "Can you guys go wait in the car for us?"

"Yeah." Gus and Law awkwardly nod. "See you."

Bar doesn't move his eyes away from the little goddess as his best friends leave, trying to come up with something, some excuse, a reason that she would believe.

He came up empty-handed.

"We n-need to talk, Oly." Clementine had fear shining in her eyes. "It's about your fighting."

"What about it?" Bar was weary now and he crossed his arms over his chest, which shot pain through his sides and bruises and aches but he didn't care.

"You need to stop."

Those words were an ultimatum.

Clementine had once told him that anything that hurt him, hurt her. And now, he realized, that meant every time he showed up after one of his 'fights', she got hurt.

But it wasn't a fight. It was his dad.

And Bar's is a monster, he has to protect Gwen from a creature just like him.

It wasn't fair the amount of pain Talmai causes to others, he decided while looking into Clementine's minty eyes.

She needs him to stop fighting.

But he can't.

Bar asked himself, when is a monster not a monster? When he's protecting the people he loves.

And right now, he's protecting them.