"To be rejected by someone doesn't mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn't mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that only ONE person has rejected you at the moment, and it only hurt so much because to you, that person's opinion symbolized the opinion of the whole world, of God."
—Jocelyn Soriano

chapter 16

It was Friday, the unfortunate day before Bar reluctantly agreed to hang out at the park with his and Clementine's friends before going to a party.

A stupid, drunkard-filled, sweaty bodied, noisy party.

Bar knew that, now, the little goddess made him officially go insane.

Why else would he agree to leave his comfortable apartment— the place where all his books are at?

Commitments sucked sometimes.

Clementine and him were walking to Bar's car.

School just ended and they were eager for the afternoon of peace that the couple had planned, an afternoon of cuddling and bad movies and junk food.

Bar watched the little goddess as she talked passionately, and adorably, about a new show she started to watch.

The wind was blowing her hair around her head like silky smoke, her cheeks had a light blush that complimented her skin tone, freckles, and scar. Her long sleeve was dorky but cute with little dinosaurs on them and her black skirt made Bar want to do some... indecent things.

Clementine, in total, looked breathtaking and gorgeous and he really wanted to press her against one of these cars and kiss the hell out of her but, for both of their dignities, he refrained.

Bar seemed to refrain himself a lot around her.

Which he didn't mind but it was definitely showing just how good he was at restraining himself.

The little goddess blinked over at him, finally noticing that Bar's dark eyes were locked onto her figure, and she wrinkled her nose. Minty eyes meeting his and he let his lips full into a wicked grin.

With relaxed features Clementine returned the look with a soft smile, "Why are y-you looking at me like that, grumpy?"

Bar sighed at the nickname that she oh so loved to call him and answered, "You're just really... pretty."

Translation: I'm having trouble handling the sheer level of your beauty in this moment. It's taking every ounce of willpower I possess to keep from pouncing on you and devouring you to the point that you'll have to call in sick tomorrow to recover from how thoroughly I want to worship your body.

"Are y-you complimenting me or, or flirting?" Clementine asks, cheeks a light pink.

A smirk tugs at Bar's lips, taking over the grin in a devilish manner.

"Complimenting you, sweetheart. If I was flirting, you'd be redder."

Clementine gives him the stink eye and goes to retaliate but pauses.

Her gaze latches onto something else and her focus drained away easily, the reaction making the brute tense slightly.

Bar follows her line of sight and forces his features into a calm indifference when he sees an extremely nervous looking Fen walking towards them.

Great, Bar thought. She probably wants to talk about the fucking goof.

The little goddess looked between her best friend and Bar, minty eyes thick with emotion.

"Oly," She gives his hand a squeeze, trying to guess what it's all about. "Can you, can y-you explain it all when we get h-home?"

Only Clementine could call Bar's apartment home and he wouldn't argue.

"I will." Bar says, knowing he wouldn't do so without Gus's permission but knowing Gus, he would let Clementine know the base-line of information.

"I don't like be-being confused," Clementine whispers as Fen gets closer.

"Hmm... I don't like you being confused either, babygirl." He whispers back. "Because then you get nervous. Are you anxious right now?"

"Only a, a little."

"I'm sorry." He bends down and skims his lips against her red-stained cheeks. "I'll do whatever I can to make you less anxious as soon as I'm done talking to the walking flame." Bar's dark eyes turn to Fen and his voice goes emotionless as sees the girl right in front of them. "What do you want, Aspen-Faye?"

Fen's eyes narrowed at her name but she didn't say anything, which Bar assumed was as a good sign.

She didn't come to him to pick a fight.

Good.

"Hey... Red," Fen swallowed thickly, eyes flicking to Clementine. "Can I talk to you?"

Bar, narrowing his eyes, sighs and nods.

Just because Gus was avoiding her— which he had been the whole week— doesn't mean Bar has to. He wouldn't avoid her like Gus, at least not right now.

Gus was avoiding her, not ignoring.

He'll walk away when he sees her trying to come towards him, he'll only give one-word replies and he— heartbreakingly— only called her Fen.

And the hot-tempered girl hasn't been taking it well.

Which was expected as she didn't know what she did wrong, either.

Bar thought this whole situation was unfair.

"Sure, give me a fucking moment." Bar says. He turns to the little goddess and places a soft kiss on her forehead. "Can you start the car for me, sweetheart?"

The little goddess tilts her head, eyes gleaming, "Can I drive?"

Bar never let anyone drive his car before.

Thinking for a moment, he sees no cons in it— even if it was anyone else they'd be knocked flat on their ass for the question.

"Sure, babygirl." He hands over the keys. "But you have to be gentle with her, alright?"

Clementine nods and gives Fen a finger boop then a wave and Bar a wink before skipping away.

Such a soft, cute little thing.

Pity her friend's personality isn't as delicate. Fen's a double-edged sword with a venomous tongue.

Unknowingly lethal.

"What the fuck do you want?" Bar asked as soon as he was facing the spitball, fiery girl again and his little goddess was safely tucked into the driver seat of his '68 with a lollipop in her mouth.

Bar wasn't in the mood to deal with someone who caused one of his best friends to slip into a panic attack.

He really wasn't.

But this was Clementine's confidante and that aforementioned best friend's girl, so he at least had to give it a shot.

Unfortunately.

"I..." Fen hesitates. "Is my mouse going to be okay? Is he like you?"

My mouse? She does like him.

But what the fuck does 'is he like you' mean?

Bar looks up, his eyes narrowing at Fen, "What do you mean?"

"With your... nevermind." Fen nervously glances towards his car.

Bar frowns.

Did his little goddess tell this spitball something about Bar that she shouldn't of? And what does it have to do with Gus?

"When he freaked out, got upset or whatever last week I noticed you gave him your jacket," Fen said. "When Clementine gets upset and she can't talk, Eli, Obby, and I cover whatever her trigger is up so she's doesn't get worse. So, is Gus like that?"

In other words, does Gus need to be protected from himself?

"If he wanted you to know more about him," Now Red glares, but doesn't say anything too mean because he suddenly realizes from the look in Fen's eyes that she blames herself. And if Gus did feel that way or do anything risky— in her mind, that would be her fault. "He would tell you."

Bar would never understand why he protects other people's feelings when he himself gets called emotionless.

Fen's silent for a second before saying, "He's avoiding me."

"Observant."

"Why?"

Bar and Fen lock eyes and he stops what he's doing— slowly backing away to his car— and completely turns to face the girl.

As he spoke, he had a hard look in his eyes, "Why do you think? You proved to him his worst fucking fear: being worthless to those he'd sacrifice his damn self for. Which he would still, but subtly now."

"I wouldn't ask him to do that," Fen argued, eyes sparking with momentary anger.

"But he would anyway. Gus is sensitive," Bar's hard look softened into somber sadness. "All of us are— Law, Gus, and I, man, we're sensitive as hell— and you, fuck, you just made it worse. He's worthless, you reinstated that in his mind and you called him annoying. Of course, it's not true but he doesn't know that. He doesn't fucking know that, Fen. And now, every time he sees you, he feels like that same useless, annoying burden you told him he was."

Fen looked like she wanted to cry but would sooner punch a wall than admit that.

Which, honestly, Bar understood.

"I didn't mean to, I didn't— I didn't know, Red." Fen sounded desperate and Bar believed her. It was the truth, after all. "I would've never said anything if I had. He's not worthless or annoying, well, he's a little frustrating but only being he's such a flirt," Fen rolls her eyes. "But I also like that about him. He's a sweet guy but he's also tough and considerate and—"

"Why the fuck are you telling me all this?" Bar raised an uncaring eyebrow, feigning nonchalance. "I know all that shit about Gus. He doesn't; the idiot is oblivious to all the good things he makes others feel. Go tell him and fucking apologize. And don't be surprised if he still avoids you for a little. Gus is like me, we run from our feelings."

Leaving Fen there, Bar walks away.

He didn't want to be harsh.

He didn't want to make her feel bad or guilty, Bar just wanted her to realize she was talking to the wrong person.

If she wanted to know if Gus was okay, then should've asked him himself.

Bar, by habit, almost walks to the driver's seat but quickly changes to go over to the passenger's side of his '68.

He slipped into the car and placed his bag into the back, eyes instantly on Clementine as the little goddess fiddles with the keys.

Bar raises his eyebrows, "You didn't start Midnight?"

"Midnight?" Clementine giggles, glancing over at Bar. "That's what you n-named your car?"

"Don't judge, babygirl." Bar chuckled. "I let Gwen pick the name when my gramps died and I got her." He pats the dashboard affectionately. "Apparently, my 3-year-old little sister wasn't very imaginative but I thought it was a good name. She's always liked anything after 10 PM and before noon that involved the sky. So my sexy, black-rimmed, 1968 Chevrolet Corvette went from just that to Midnight in a single day."

"That's cute," Clementine smiled. "Is she a, a first-gener— a first-generation?"

"Yep," Bar nods, buckling himself up before checking if Clementine's seatbelt was drawn taunt enough that if they crashed, she wouldn't be bruised by the belt. "My gramps bought her brand new and repaired anything that went wrong himself. Taught me everything I know about cars, too."

"And, and y-you're trusting me to drive her?" Clementine suddenly looked nervous, almost embarrassed.

"Yes, I am." He leans against the door contently, liking being able to relax in his own car with the little goddess. "I never let anyone else drive her before. Not even when of the fuckheads I'm best friends with. If anyone is gonna drive my car that's not me, it's going to be you."

"But w-why?" Clementine asks and she timidly starts the car.

The roar of the engine slightly makes her jump and Bar stifles a laugh, glad she didn't notice as she shifted gears.

"Why not?" Bar replied simply as if it wasn't a big deal. "Is there a reason I shouldn't let you?"

"No," Clementine's fingers tighten around the wheel. "I'm a good driver but, um, but y-you looking at me makes m-me... I get nervous."

Bar couldn't help but to smirk.

"I make you nervous. Interesting."

"Oly," Clementine whines, eyes still focused on the road as she drives but her body was thrumming with jumpy energy. "Don't sound do c-cocky."

"Why can't I?" Bar asked. "I think I have every right to get cocky, since I'm the one who makes you go red so often."

And just like he pressed a magic button, Clementine's whole face flushed crimson.

Bar laughs— and it was real and genuine and sounded so weird.

Bar rarely, rarely laughed.

"O-okay," Clementine says shakily. "Stop being smug and, and stop making me go all red!"

"Meh, it's in my name." Bar said. "And until I can officially give you that, I have to make you red some other way."

"That," The little goddess says, tone strained with frustration and affection. "Was smooth and, and I don't appre-appreciate it."

"Mhm, I'm sure you don't."

And then, Clementine pouts.

Which Bar simultaneously liked and didn't like because he didn't want her to be sad or upset but he definitely enjoyed her being all cute.

And he especially loved being able to tease her.

"Babygirl," Bar said. "If you think sitting there and pouting is gonna get you want you want then think again. The only thing it will get you is bent over my lap."

"That's okay with m-me," Clementine said while making a smooth turn. "But s-stop being all flirty. I'm gonna— I don't want t-to, to crash Midnight."

"Alright but you make flirting sound so devious." Bar said, shifting his eyes away from the little goddess to watch as trees and building past by his car.

"Says t-the one who, who threatened to spank me."

"Says the one who'd like it."

***

"C-can I know why Auggie freaked out now?" Clementine asked as soon as they were in Bar's living room, their shoes kicked off and jackets hung up, and the both of them ready to just cuddle and relax.

The little goddess successfully drove from the school to his apartment without running over any curbs, denting or scratching Midnight.

But she did accidentally cut off someone else which made an old white guy flip her off and Bar returned the gesture with a nasty glare.

All and all, it wasn't too bad.

Bar nods and plops himself down onto his favorite, large seat and kicked his legs up onto the coffee table.

"Sure but first come sit on my lap, babygirl." Bar opened his arms out for Clementine, who was now red-nosed and frowning. "I missed you today."

"Auggie was ri-right." The little goddess mumbled as she shyly walked over to Bar. "You do get grumpy when I-I don't give you enough attention."

"So what?" Bar asked. "I can't help it."

Which was true.

Bar felt inexplicably drawn towards the little goddess; like there was this rope tied tightly around his entire soul and with every breath he took it was tug, tug, tugging— and yanking— and pulling him towards her.

Bar didn't know why or how or when it happened but all he knew was that his soul and hers, they were connected.

That he was certain of.

"Y-yes you can." Clementine contradicted him as she climbed onto Bar's lap. Now face to face, she gave him a wide-eyed, adorable pout.

So goddamn cute but Bar knew that she was just trying to get her way.

Little tease.

"Yeah?" Bar smirked, grabbing her hips. "Well, I don't think I can. I want to be with you all the time. No fucking shame and no apologies. Besides, that dumbass is used to my so-called grumpiness."

"So c-called?" Clementine mocked, cuddling into Bar's chest. The little goddess rested her head under his chin as his arms wrapped around her frame. "You're t-the King of Grumpiness."

"Wanna be my Queen?"

"Hmph," She nudged her nose into his neck and giggled when Bar shivered. "N-no flirting. Focus on Auggie."

"I hate when you talk about other guys." Bar delayed. Clementine tilted her head and gave his neck a sharp, playful bite in retaliation. "Hey, stop that you little minx, I'll bite back."

"Do it."

"Don't test me, sweetness."

Clementine giggled mischievously, "It wasn't a test, it was a-an order."

Bar could tell that Clementine loved playing their little flirty games and the bravado of being a cute little brat but he knew if she anymore flustered, she'd back for.

But he, nonetheless, would make her all hot and bothered and speechless.

She was his babygirl, his little goddess, after all.

"Do you want to be covered in marks by me, babygirl?" Bar asks, hand curling into her hair as his knuckles wrapped tightly around the strands do they were making eye contact. "I promise to go gentle while biting bruises into your neck."

Clementine gaped at him, "I... you, w-well—"

"Hm, not so risky now, sweetness?" Bar teased, running his other hand down her side, watching as goosebumps rose over her arms and legs. "Told you I bite back."

Clementine huffed and shuffled closer, wanting to hide her embarrassment and did do by pressing her warm face into Bar's neck.

"Please explain what h-happened with Auggie." She switched topics and knowing that he's procrastinated enough—  but also having checked if it's okay with Gus— Bar did what she asked.

"Augustine's anxiety and flight response gets triggered by him feeling worthless or useless or someone calling him those things." Bar started, knowing he's the same way when someone calls him stupid or unlovable but his reactions always have bloodier consequences. "Which Fen did call him. When Gus gets hurt... he likes to pretend he's fine and moves on but he always feels like a bother after. Always. He just didn't want to annoy Fen with his 'uselessness' so he was avoiding her. That's what she was talking to me about, she wanted to know if Gus is okay."

"Is h-he?" Clementine asks, voice slightly muffled as her lips accidentally brush against Bar's neck, momentarily distracting him.

"Hm? Oh." Bar says, lightly massaging the little goddess's neck and back, his hands gentle and warm. "No, he's not but he will be. I think Fen just needs to apologize for him to get comfortable again. But for him to be 'okay' or for him to trust her the same way, she'll need to show him she's sorry."

"Why doesn't, why doesn't h-he trust her?" Clementine's hands tightened on their spot clenched around his shirt.

"Before, he could trust that he annoyed her how he was intending to annoy her. But now, he doesn't know what does and doesn't annoy her. His feeling are on the line and he no longer trusts them to be in neat little boxes around her anymore."

"Oh," Clementine says. "So... it's more like he c-can't trust himself?"

"Mostly, yes."

"Is he going to t-the party tomorrow?"

"Yeah, the dipshits are going. Ugh," Bar groans and tilts his head back, arms tightening around the little goddess. "Why do we have to go to that shit stupid thing?"

A party: drunks, loud noises, and pig-headed guys doing pig-headed activities.

Three things Bar very much so hated.

Three things that caused panic.

Three things that haunted Bar every time he closed his eyes— beer bottles all over the house and the smell of alcohol permanently stuck in the air, loud music or yelling or having the TV's volume up too loud polluting his senses, and his deadbeat of a dad bringing one night stands to the house or beating him or getting piss drunk.

"Bec-because," Clementine said, breath warm against his skin. "Eli invited us and thought it, it would be f-fun. To get the groups closer t-together or something."

"And you were too nice to say no?"

"Basically, y-yeah."

"You, sweetheart, are way too previous for this fucked up world." Bar kisses the top of her head.

"So are you, m-mister."

She has no idea how fucked up he was or how