New relationships come with a frenzy of emotions and energy. That new relationship energy makes everything seem perfect and rosy. You just want to wrap it up in your arms and never let this little slice of excitement and perfection go. If there are problems....no big deal. You can handle it. Sure, it may have been a problem in their last relationship, but it won't be a problem in yours because you're just perfect together. You're meant to be. Soulmates. Nothing can ever break it.
Soulmates. The biggest bunch of hooey on the planet.
I'm sitting in a boring department meeting, listening to Marcus drone on about something. Daniel just got done droning on about removing the semi from the cliff. Scott Lee, the groundkeeper and all-around repairman will talk about his issues next. Brendan and Ceren will pipe up there somewhere and then it will be Mindy's turn to talk about her concerns.
I suppose I'll need to talk about my stuff at some point, but I'm not really here right now. I know I'm supposed to be taking notes but if you asked me what I'm writing down, I couldn't tell you. Whatever I'm listening to isn't going into my ears. I can't get my mom's words out of my head. Her words are taking up most of my brain. The rest of it is taken up by Namjoon's words, or more specifically, the look on his face. His fear and disappointment in me.
I guess I was being the asshole this time.
"since you are trying to force intimacy, you have backed them into a corner. And a cornered person will do whatever it takes to be safe again"
Those words have echoed in my brain ever since Saturday. They echoed in my brain all day Sunday. They've echoed in my head all this morning. They were still echoing in my head when Ceren pulled me to go shopping after work.
"Come on, girl. Your head has been full of cotton all day. Let's go spend some money and relax." She shushed any excuses I had and pushed me into her car and took us far away from the Center.
I let out a big sigh once we entered urban space and the forest was behind me. Man, I'm a sap.
"So, the poly thing not working out?" Ceren tries to look like she's not interested but the smirk on her lips kills the vibe. I can't help but smile at it.
"I got a bit over-excited over the weekend and we're all taking a little breather this week," I quip.
"You? You're like the most normal person I know...You know, besides dating a bunch of drop-dead gorgeous men who stole you out of a club. Can't imagine why you got all excited." she chuckles.
I chuckle, "It does sound a little outrageous, doesn't it?"
"And let's not forget how you're one of the new favorites with all the purple-eyed animals we protect. What could possibly be outrageous about it?" She raises an eyebrow at me. Nice perspective, girl. Gah, this woman never fails to make me laugh.
"It's been a busy week, I suppose." I try going for nonchalant. Seriously, this is just making me feel worse about what a jerk I've been. I need the light-heartedness of my friend, but it just points out that I've been a lousy one.
"Understatement of the century, darlin'," Ceren drawls. She parks the car at the local mall and we get out and move toward the Macy's store taking up the biggest space.
I wonder if I should get the guys a gift?
"Now, this is a shopping trip for us. I don't want to see one manly item in our cart today, got it?" Ceren eyes me like she knows what is going on in my head.
"I was a jerk to them this weekend, I should probably get them something as an apology," I murmur.
"Nope." I look at her in confusion.
"Excuse me?"
"I said nope, you don't. I bet you already did something nice for them. The whole point of a breather is so both parties can get some space, distance, and perspective. If you got obsessive on them, then girl, you need to just shop for yourself and don't shop for them. Make yourself important again. Separate from them."
"Space, distance, and perspective," I repeat. Ceren grabs my hand and drags me into the store where we first go play in the fragrance section. I'm not big into perfume as it tends to give me a headache, but I do like to see what combinations they think up. One says it smells like baby powder, and it does! Even on my skin, it still keeps that scent. Whoa.
I end up falling in love with one that calls itself 'Replica, By a Fireplace', and it does smell like an actual fireplace, all spicy and smoky. It also smells seductive. I have to buy this. It smells fantastic. It really does have the scent of a sweet and smoky fireplace, but mixed with the ph of my skin, it smells delicious.
"Girl, I know I said you can't buy anything for the boys, but they will want to eat you alive if you smell this good," Ceren confirmed after smelling it on my wrist. She winks at me before pulling me into the clothing section after my purchase.
We have a great time playing with clothes, trying on new looks, and even found a few things to spice up our wardrobes. I tried to balk when she pulled me into the lingerie section, though. I don't really enjoy buying intimate things around others.
"Come on, girl. No way I'm going to believe you have never been seen in lingerie by a lover before." She eyes me sternly.
"I'm not a virgin if that's what you're asking. But, I don't go parading around in just my underwear in front of anybody." I give her a stern look. She just laughs. Good grief, I didn't even get naked in front of the animals before I even knew they were more than that.
"You are in a relationship with multiple people. You'll have to get over being shy, eventually." She grabs a few items and shoves me and them into a dressing room.
Sighing, I look at what she grabbed and blanch a bit. See-through teddies? Oh my gosh. "I'm not wearing this," I yell through the door.
"Stop whining and try it on. You need a boost to your morale girl, and there's nothing like sexy lingerie to make you feel more confident, even if you're the only one who sees it." She yells back.
What have I gotten myself into? I hold up the transparent bit of lace and sigh. Then I chuckle. I'm supposed to be giving the boys some space and distance, I doubt parading around in a see-through teddy would be fair. My sense of humor kicks in though and I mutter, "what the hell" and try it on anyway. I can distract myself and have fun imagining the guys' reactions to it.
As I try on each piece, I do feel a little more confidence returning. I look good in some of these pieces. A few are just silly, but a couple of them I like. As I consider my figure and how each piece shows off my body, I have to wonder about my behavior over the last week. I didn't want to admit that Namjoon was right, but when my mom also took their side, I had to give myself a reality check. The soulmate bond was overwhelming and I just flat out lost my senses.
I got so obsessed over the idea that I could never be physical with any of them, sexually, that I let that take over all my thinking. When in reality, what I did have was so much more than just sex. They had been showing me affection the whole week. They were constantly giving me kisses to my head, holding my hand, and giving me hugs. Snuggling with me had been a daily occurrence. They usually had someone sleep in my bed with me. Animal form or not, I hadn't slept alone in two weeks. Then there were the strands. Even if they were being silent right now, I could literally touch their souls. I could caress their bodies and touch them in ways far more intimate than any other physical relationship I had been in. I'm such a dumbass.
I had become so obsessed over what I thought I lacked I couldn't see what I did have. I tried to force myself on them, to make them fit what I wanted, not respecting what they wanted. Was I any better than the witch?
I have to do better.
"Space, distance, and perspective," I murmur to myself. I change back into my clothes and return the items to the racks. If I'm going to respect this cool-down period so we can all get our heads back on straight, then I need to not be pushing buttons. Theirs or mine.
Besides, it would be more fun to watch their eyes fall out of their heads when I can bring them here to help me buy stuff together, letting them pick out their favorite pieces. I smile at the naughty thought.
"Really? You're not getting anything?" Ceren asks me.
"Nope, I want the guys' opinion on any teddy I get." I give her a wink, "It'll be more fun teasing them where they can't immediately rip it off my body."
Ceren laughs at my suggestion and we leave the store.
We head home after getting some food and Ceren helps me bring in my purchases. As we head to my room, we see Mindy entering Marcus' room down the hall from me. We exchange looks, grimace in a shared "Ewwww" and enter my apartment. We put my new clothes away and she heads out to her room.
I sit down with a drink and turn on the tv. I don't really watch it, I just need the noise more than anything else. There is an incredible amount of noise between 7 guys who can also be animals at any given moment. I miss them. Oh, so much.
I'm currently in time out, but I know it's necessary. I need to get my head on straight if I"m going to be of any use to the guys. If I'm going to help them overcome this curse, then I need to be more than just a lovesick fool focused on what she thinks she lacks in this relationship. I need to focus on what I have. And what I have is a lot. Like, a lot a lot.
First, I need to stop being obsessive like the witch. That isn't helping anyone. Second, I need to let the boys have their space. This has to be just as overwhelming for them as it has been for me. They might have each other, but they aren't soulmates to each other. They are each a soulmate to me. They are each other's best friends and brothers. They love each other in ways that only sole companions of 500 years could. But they are not soulmates and that means our bonds are different and new.
And then they went and poisoned their new soulmate because of extreme situations.
I realize that I must have scared them pretty bad. I feel horrible for what I've put them through. The first time, I nearly died by my own stupidity. Yes, I didn't have bad experiences from my exposure to their venom, but they also injected me with anti-venom right away. Yes, it made my body hurt, but I was right as rain the next day. That doesn't mean I should be careless. In 500 years, they've said that nobody survived prolonged exposure. Even Mindy almost died from her poisoning. If everyone always dies or gets very very sick, you'd be careful to keep others from being hurt by you, too.
I have to stop being such a moron.
My phone dings and I pick it up to look at it.
Namjoon: I hope you are doing okay.
Me: I'm good. I'm sorry I was such an asshole. I didn't understand.
Namjoon: We know. That's why we had to decide to keep you at a distance.
Me: I get it. I respect your decision. I'll wait until you are comfortable again to be with me.
Namjoon: It will be hard on everybody. The pull to be with you is tough to ignore.
Me: I'm sure once we've had some time to cool things down, the pull will calm down, too.
Namjoon: Let's hope so. I don't know if Jin will be able to stay away from you too long. Even Yoongi is struggling and don't even ask about Jungkook.
I giggle at the idea that my guys are just as anxious to get back to me as I am to get to them.
Me: Sounds like we all need a cool-down period.
Namjoon: I think so. I'm so glad you are not mad at us.
Me: I just don't like that I can't feel the strands. It feels so silent and empty inside.
Namjoon: Give us a couple more days and we'll stop suppressing them, see if we can all keep our heads about us.
Me: Good idea, probably. I don't like it, but I understand it.
Namjoon: Thanks for the treats. We love you, too. Goodnight.
I smile as I read his last text.
Me: Goodnight
I put my phone on the charger and get ready for bed. As I snuggle in I review everything I've thought about today and feel like maybe I will be able to be level-headed again.
Space, distance, perspective.
Yeah...we all need a little bit of it.
A/N: Hey lovelies. I hope you are staying well and being healthy. Yes, I did post Jin's newest OST for our hearing pleasure.
I thought you'd like to know we're over 10K words for the NaNoWriMo goal of 50K. I need to pick up my pace if I'm going to meet this goal. lol
The next chapter will post either Wednesday night or Thursday. Love you and thank you so much for cheering this story on with your comments and votes. It really helps keep up the momentum.
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