Sleep was a blissful escape. Nothing and no one could bother you when you were locked away in sleep, only your mindscape to keep you occupied.

Whether it was sleep or unconsciousness didn't matter to Nadine; all that she cared about was that she wasn't in that cold, damp room she was in when she was awake. If she could stay in this state forever, if she could escape for as long as she could, she just might make it out of all of this alive.

However, someone was pulling her out of the trance she was in. Her body was being shaken, pulling her mind from the last bits of peace before reality struck again.

"Nadine, baby you have to wake up," a voice like honey spoke. Danger laced the familiar feminine voice.

Slowly but surely, Nadine's eyes opened and adjusted to the dim light. Above her, her mother caressed her face softly, soothing any panic that might have come from being woken up so vigorously. Her wrists were bound in chains that matched the ones around Nadine's. Her eyes followed the links to where they hung, hooked to a wall.

"Momma?"

"It's me, baby. It's your mother. I'm here. You're alright," she wiped the stray tears that fell from her daughter's eyes.

Nadine clung to the words, almost believing them. She was not alright. She had no idea where she was, or why her sister hated her so, or why her mother had just reappeared after so many years.

"You passed out after you realized it was me, poor thing. I asked them to bring you something to eat, so you could get strong again. But they won't help us unless you tell your sister what she wants to know."

"And what is that?" The real question on her mind. What did Nadia want? She was tired of waiting to figure it out, because she clearly thought that nothing she had to say was of interest to her sister.

"I don't know, baby. She said it's something your father told you."

Nadine shook her head, shivering at the mention of her father. She hated the man with every ounce of her being. This man who defamed her mother and abandoned her as if she were nothing.

"He hated me and I hated him. We never spoke... there's no way."

Her mother swallowed hard, her eyes worriedly darting between Nadine's face and the door. She cupped Nadine's face firmly. "Come on, Moonie. You gotta think harder."

Nadine's eyebrows furrowed. After their mother had left them with their father, she never stopped thinking that one day she would come back. That despite the way everyone spoke about her Momma-- that she was a hoe and a drug addict that abandoned her daughters-- Nadine held on to the hope that her mother would return to her. In a way, she was happy that the moment had come, that she had her Momma back. Unfortunately, these happened to be the worst possible circumstances.

"Mommy... why did you leave us?" All of a sudden, Nadine felt like that awkward, mature yet babyish preteen who missed her mom badly and wondered what she had done to drive her away. Her bottom lip quivered and tears stung her eyes.

"Oh, my sweet girl. I didn't want to leave you. I fought for you with everything I had. But it was the only way to keep you safe."

"What do you mean?"

"I---" Secrets lay unspoken between them as her mother looked away. 

"Please, Ma. Just tell me, I won't be mad," Nadine pleaded. All her life she wanted to know why the only person she could count on had left her in her time of need. She needed to understand why her father had turned everyone against the sweet angel she called her mother.

"We'll get to that later. But for now, focus on tryna figure out what Nadia wants. Or..." A worried look flashed across her mothers face, wrinkling her forehead.

"Or what?"

"Or she'll kill us both."

"No... she wouldn't, she-- Nadia wouldn't do that--" Disbelief and fear made Nadine shake. A murderer? Her baby sister couldn't do that. Even though the amount of violence she was showing Nadine was a new high, Nadine was sure this was the highest she could go.

Never all the way to murder.

"You don't know your sister anymore. She's not who she used to be," her mother frowned.

The door across the room flung open, and in walked the woman they were speaking about in hushed voices. Nadia strode in, wearing a skin tight black jumpsuit and her signature red bottoms. Her neatly pressed hair was pulled back into a slick ponytail showing off her face formed in a scowl.

"Of course I'm not. That little girl was weak.  I'm glad she's gone."

She strutted over to Nadine, whose eyes roamed her sister's body in confusion. She still could not believe that the domineering woman that stood in front of her was Nadia. Nadia, who she hadn't seen for years. Nadia, with the same big brown eyes and huge ears that she was teased about as a child.

"Nadia, what's this about? Why are you--"

"Shut the fuck up, Nadine. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't wanna hear SHIT from your mouth unless you're spoken to."

Survival told Nadine to be quiet. But this was her sister. Her younger sister, at that. And there was no way she was going to let Nadia bitch her around with no explanation. She pushed away the fatigue dragging her down and returned to her normally snappy self.

"How about you unchain me and I can really whoop that ass. That's all you really need: a good ass whooping. Bitch I will set your jaw so right you'll never fix your mouth to speak to me like that again. Done lost your damn mind--"

Nadia delivered a sharp kick to Nadine's face, sending her scooting across the room. Their mother screamed out. "Okay, okay! Nadia, that's enough. Please, just leave your sister alone. We'll-- we'll do what you want."

"Perfect, Evelyn. Just tell your daughter to keep her mouth closed."

As expected, her mother inched as close to Nadine as she could and spoke to her softly. "Moonie, please. Just calm down for a second and listen to her."

Nadine spit out a mouthful of blood, taking a second to shake off the wave of dizziness that clouded her brain. She had just woken up from a bout of unconsciousness and was about to be sent right into another one. But she was feeling reckless, annoyed by the fact that Nadia was disrespecting their mother. She could tolerate whatever Nadia did to her, but using their mother's first name should have gotten Nadia a good beating.

That was just like Nadia, never to be punished for her wrongdoing. Her mother babied her back then, and she was doing the same now.

When Nadine had settled down, respecting her mother's cries for her to relax, Nadia continued.

"Glad we're on the same page. So, let's get to it then? What I need from you, dear sister, is information. I don't know what it is, I just know it's something Dad told you. And after you tell me, we'll be done here."

Something wasn't right. There was no way that Nadia went to all this trouble to kidnap her just for some information that she didn't even know what it was. She hadn't spoken to her sister in a long time and completely fell off the radar after she left the family. It would have taken a lot of effort to track down someone who never wanted to be found.

And that's when it clicked.

"This whole time... it was you. You were the one who put the hit out on me, who had everyone in the city looking for me. Who almost got Br--" She closed her mouth before saying his name. She couldn't give Nadia any more things to leverage over her. She already suspected that that was why their mother was tied up in here too: to give Nadine an incentive to say what she knew.

Who knew how long it would be until Nadia started beating up on their mother as a way to force her into giving up the information she was convinced Nadine had?

"Who almost got what? You talkin' about that little boy you running around with? Please, no one was ever worried about him. He'll be dead soon enough."

Dread filled Nadine. Although she hated how they ended things, the last thing she wanted was for him to die before they could fix things between them, before she could clear her name.

She was just waiting for the right time, Nadine figured. And what better time to kidnap her than when the only person with enough resources to save her believed that she was a snitch and wanted her dead?

Nadia grinned, seeing the gears turning in Nadine's head. "You're finally starting to get it. No one is coming to save you. No one in this world loves you enough to do so. You're trapped, Nadine. So it's time to be a big fucking girl and stop running away from your problems."

"All you've done these past few years is open your legs to whoever would pay for a quick nut with your rotten ass--"

"NADIA! That is enough!" Evelyn gritted out. Nadine could tell that the words meant to hurt her ended up causing more pain to her mother. Of course it hurt hearing the insults come from her sister. A hole threatened to open in in her chest, and all the memories of being mishandled by clients and her pimp threatened to disrupt any sense of calm she had mustered.

But she reminded herself that that was no longer her life. She wasn't a prostitute anymore, nor did she need money from men who only wanted to use her body. And even if she was, that didn't give Nadia or anyone else the right to speak down on her.

"What?! You don't know about your favorite daughter, Miss Nadine Sadijah Carter," Nadia spoke with a nasally, mocking voice. "Compton's favorite three dollar whore and junkie."

"Stop it."

But Nadia only scoffed and continued. "I don't take orders from street dogs, let alone a bitch like you."

Nadine bucked in her chains. "All I'm hearing is a whole lotta talking. Whatever it is that you want, I don't have it. Dad-- Theodore-- never loved me. He never spoke to me, never treated me like a daughter, much less a person."

To say her relationship with her father was strained was an understatement. From the second their mother abandoned them, he directed all of his rage towards Nadine alone. Nadia had never known the emotional, verbal, and at times, physical, abuse that was all of Nadine's childhood post-mother.

"So I don't have shit for you."

"Think a bit harder, older sister." Nadia walked over and snatched Nadine's hair, making her look up into her eyes. Blood continued leaking out of her mouth, yet she ignored it. "He didn't tell me what it was. Only that there's something he told you and only you."

"I doubt that anything would happen should I be unable to pry it out of you. But you know me, Nadine. I hate losing. Especially to my beloved older sister."

Nadia flung her head, giving Nadine a bit of whiplash. She glided out of the room as smoothly as she had entered. Instantly, Evelyn inched over to her daughter.

"Nadine, baby. Are you alright? I mean-- of course you aren't but--"

The room turned several times before finally coming back into focus. "I'm fine." She wasn't, but she had dealt with worse. After all, she was once used as a human shield, witnessed someone being murdered right in front of her face, murdered someone herself... and the list went on.

Tense air hung between the two, as Evelyn scanned her daughter's face and body. "Is- is it true?" She finally asked, tapping into the piqued curiosity Nadine knew Nadia had stirred up in their mother.

"Is what true?" She asked, already knowing what her mother was referring to.

"What Nadia said... about you?"

Nadine remained quiet for the next few minutes-- or hours, she couldn't tell. All of the nasty things Nadia had said about her ran through her mind. It was true, all of it. Or was it?

She was a whore, she was nasty, unlovable, untouchable, worthless. She had thought those things of herself, too, to this day. It was just a reminder that no matter what she did, how sober she got, how many degrees or classes she went to, she would always be reduced to that sad prostitute who was constantly on the prowl for her next high.

But her life had changed so much since then. She had found love, real love. The love of Raegan and Lorena, whom she claimed as her sisters. The love of her best friend, Darius. The love that Zyaire gave to her favorite auntie. A love that healed all her wounds and told her that she was enough from Braxton.

"Yes," Nadine finally said. "And no."

Tears brimmed at Evelyn's eyes and streaked down her dirt-stained face. "I'm so sorry you felt like you had to turn to that life. I never wanted that for you. I never wanted any of this for either of you."

"So why did you leave, Momma? I don't get it. Help me understand. Help that little girl who waited for you to come back every night for an entire year. The girl that stayed up waiting by the door,  who handled all the jokes and insults from everyone and still held onto hope. I defended you, even when they said the worst things on your name. And still, you never came back for me.  No matter how much I prayed Allah would bring you back, or dreamed of all three of us touching the stars and the moon like you promised. No matter how much I loved you, you left my side after swearing that you wouldn't."

The short rant was all Nadine needed before she was wailing like an infant who needed their mother. She thought she healed and put those memories behind her. All she had really done was stuff it all away behind the toughest door she could find. But even that wasn't strong enough. Sobs wracked her chest, stealing the air from her lungs and causing her to hyperventilate.

Nadine was exhausted, and this cry was necessary. She had been through so much, never truly having time to process it all. She cried for her younger self, pushed out of the family for defending her mother and denied the love a child needs. She cried for the Nadine who thought her only outlet was sex and drugs. She cried for the woman who faced abuse from every man in her life before falling in love. Tears fell for the woman who was a pawn, always told where to go and when. She cried for the addict and herself who fought so desperately to become sober. She mourned all of her past selves, because no one ever thought of them but her. Because they were still her, and they always would be.

She hadn't even noticed Evelyn's strong arms wrapping around her body, smoothing down her hair and rocking her slowly. Her screams slowly dissolved into soft cries and sniffles, until her eyes fluttered closed and her mind was at rest again.

"No, no! Don't you put that stuff in her! Don't you touch my baby!" Evelyn's voice woke her from her blank dreams. Maybe she did dream of something, but she was glad she didn't remember it; she could not give herself any false hope that she'd make it out of this alive. She had cheated death one too many times, and this was probably going to be her final resting place.

She was in the same room as she had been for... how long had she been in here? She didn't remember. It could have been a few days or a few weeks, but Nadine wouldn't have known.

"Stop! Stop it right now! Nadia please, please tell him to stop!" Evelyn's voice sounded distant, a few layers beneath the ringing in her ears. Someone grabbed her arm, tying a rubber strip around her bicep.

She heard Nadia chuckle as she shook the grogginess from her brain. Next to her, a man held a needle filled with a dark brown, almost orange liquid. He flicked the skin that lay in the crease of her arm, looking for a vein.

Oh no.

"Nadia," she panicked. "Nadia, Nadia please. Don't do this-- I can give you what you want. Anything-- just don't let him put that in me." She begged, every hint of desperation lacing her voice.

"Please, I'm sorry! I'll try harder, I'll think harder I-- you CAN'T! I'll figure it out, I promise!"

"You made me wait too long, Moonie. You've stolen precious time from me. And now, I have to take something precious from you."

No no no no no. She fought for her sobriety, worked her program, hadn't relapsed once. It was a journey, a hard one, but she was doing it. She had goals, people to be clean for. She couldn't go back couldn't go back couldn't go back couldn't go

A slight pinch tingled her arm and she felt the liquid going in, smooth like butter.

warm, very warm

floating or flying?

i don't know

i can't feel anything

or i feel everything

i'm so far gone

so high i can't imagine coming down

is my body my own?

i don't know

i can't feel it

nothing hurts

i feel good

finally.

i'm so warm

giggling

this is exciting

why did i ever want to give this up?

why would i ever get clean

when this could be my life

forever?

this was my life

why did i stop?

i think

i think i need more.

BANGIN' is back!! my absolute fav. i had to pause writing bc of school and getting I Will. in order cause the girlies were fighting me for an update or two 😭 if you stuck around for this update and read this book i love you so much 😫 my bangin readers stay on the quiet side but y'all loyal and that's why i fw yall🤞🏾let me know y'all thoughts on this chapter and what you think or want to happen next♥️

-ColeWoorld