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Emotionally, I have no picture-book illustrated with memories of my first five years, but externally, I have impressions that possess a haunting vividness comparable only to the texture of dreams, when dreams are tumultuously alive. - E. F. Benson

Hours Later...

Zee...

"Zee!" My mother called angrily. I huffed taking my books out my lap laying them on the couch, traveling to the bathroom where my mother wanted me. I stood in the entrance, furrowing my eyebrows when I noticed she wasn't in there.

"Zee!" She called yet again even more angry. I leaned back, seeing the light shine from my room. I swallowed hard, nervously walking down the hall. Before I could reach my room, my mother stormed out my room causing me to gasp in fright. I witnessed one hand with the pregnancy test box and my belt in the other. Tears blurred my vision when my eyes connected with her dark orbs that her eyelids squinted.

"You pregnant?" She questions slowly walking toward me. I slowly back up, feeling my surroundings behind me.

"Answer me bitch!" I just shook my head no stumbling back, falling down the steps. My whole body throbbed, as tears raced my cheeks. This was the normal for me, pain. Whenever Dimitri wasn't home for my mother to start shit with, I was the target. I stumbled to my feet, only to get pushed into the wall and beat with the belt.

"You so fucking stupid! You not bringing no fucking baby in here! If I have to beat it out you, I will!" She spat after each lash. I ball in tears, clenching onto the wall for stability. I felt my knees getting weak, but I wasn't giving up that easy. I was really tired of this abuse.

The beating kept coming, and I wasn't going out this time. I felt my blood boil, and the pain ceased. I turned to face her, grabbing the belt in mid swing. My mother's eyes widen and for the first time I saw the fear. The fear she caused me since I was able to remember. My fist connected to her jaw, sending her straight to the marble floor.

I sniff, limping over to the belt that descended out her grip when she fell. I furrowed my eyebrows in anger, tears blurring my vision again. My mother wiped the blood off her lip, looking at me in shock. I saw myself laying there, gripping the belt as chills of revenge took over my spine. I looked into my mother's fearful eyes swinging the belt. I wanted her to hurt just like she hurt me. I wanted her to feel my pain.

"Zee! Stop, please!" She pleaded. I dropped the belt, straddling her waist. I strangled her, watching her struggle beneath me. She punched and kicked, struggling to breathe. I watched as her eyebrows furrowed and mouth agape with force but no sound escaped.

"I didn't ask to be here! I DIDN'T ASK TO BE HERE! Why do you keep hurting me!" I repeated in croaked screams, gripping tighter. Noticing her eyes were rolling back, I loosen my grip. I felt arms grab me pulling me off of her. She coughs, holding her throat as she struggled to breathe.

"Zee what did you do!" Dimitri exclaims, pushing me to the floor. I crawl to my feet, running out the door down the block. I ran as far as my little legs could carry me, five blocks to Bricks' house. Breathing heavily, I knocked frantically as the door flew open making me fall in the house. Bricks looked at me in hurt and confusion, as tears filled my eyes.

"What was that?" Mrs. Gomez questioned from the kitchen. I put my finger over Bricks' lips shaking my head no. I felt weak, all the energy I had was just gone. Bricks just nodded picking me up bridal style up the steps. He takes me into the bathroom, sitting me down on the side of the tub that's already filled with hot water and bubbles. He takes off my sneakers and I hiss in pain, shaking my head.

"I'll just let you get undressed by yourself, I'll have some clothes out for you on my bed ok." I nod as he kisses my forehead twice, leaving out. I slowly undressed, getting in the deep tub, hissing as the hot water sizzled my bruises. Only Bricks knew about the abuse with my parents. Honestly I was too sacred to tell his parents because I didn't want to get my parents locked up, nor go to a foster home. That's why I just dealt with the shit.

I look down at my stomach, frowning. I know my mother isn't here anymore, but the thought of it still haunts me if I ever were to be pregnant again. I was feeling a little light headed this morning and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed I was gaining weight. I just shook it off.

Its my time of the month, and I'm just bloated. The gaining weight, the constant cravings, sleeping and some time nausea plays a big part in my menstrual.

I hate it because of the mood swings, but what can I do about it? I mean it only last for two days thanks to my birth control. So I'm good. I smack my lips, walking across the hall to my room. I answer my ringing phone, flopping down on the bed laying back.

"Zee baby!" Ryan laughs.

"Sup." I sigh.

"So Lia and I are on our way. It's now 12:00 we should be there at 1:15 after picking up Piper." She says.

"Aight slim. I'll be here." I hang up, blowing raspberries while traveling to my closet. I went to the hospital earlier to check in on my brother, but Dimitri has been there faithfully. So I just visit for a couple minutes, talk to Xavier then leave.

Dimitri tries to talk to me, but I pay him no mind. He'll say things here and there to start a conversation, I just stay silent. When I'm ready talk, I'll open my mouth but right now. I don't have shit to say to him.

My phone rings again, and I see its Bricks. I answer it, going back to my closet.

"Hel-"

"Yo, why you ain't come to my crib last night?" He questions annoyed. I pull the phone away from my face screwed up.

"Um let's try that again." I tell him sternly. He sighs heavily while I snatch hangers, moving them to the side.

"Hello." He says with attitude.

"Hey baby how's work?" I coo. He smacks his lips.

"Man stop playing! What I wanna know is why you ain't come home last night." I roll my eyes.

"I did come home last night, just not to your crib." I shrug.

"Why not?" He questions with which sounds like a mouth full of food.

"Because. I didn't want to come to your house last night." I mumble, sitting down on the bed.

"Why?" I couldn't explain to him that I was doing some shit with Drese. I went to his apartment the other day and he told me what happen to Xavier. And he's the next to possibly get killed.

He told me how Omari would be at the club last night, possibly looking for him. And sure enough he was. So I told Bricks I had a ride back home and he didn't have to worry about me. If Bricks knew I was doing this dumb shit, he'd kick my ass.

"Because I just didn't want to Bricks." I sigh. The line becomes silent for a minute. Then I hear my phone beep in my ear. I see Bricks wants to FaceTime so I answer feeling the vomit sit at the back of my tonsils. I witness Bricks toss a fry in his mouth, and lick his lips after.

"You lying?" He questions raising a brow. I pull my knees up to my chest, shaking my head no. He shakes his head, fixing his tie.

"Zee I know when you lying b. And I know you got a ride from some nigga too." I furrow my eyebrows confused.

"Ho-"

"Oh you think because you work at a strip club, I wasn't going to make sure your ass is safe? Yeaaaa. Me and Blade real cool b, he called me this morning." My heart drops, as I run my hands through my hair dumfounded.

"He told me you got a ride from some nigga by the name Omari, and if something was to happen to you he just wanted to give me a heads up. Like he vowed to. Now Omari is a drug lord b, fuck you doing getting in a car with him?" He questions calm but I can hear the anger based in his voice. He's at work so he didn't wanna come outta character which I understood.

"What if he would of hurt you, or worst killed you b?" I sigh saying nothing.

"Did he drop you off in front of your building?"

"No. I didn't take him no where near my block or apartment. I actually took him the opposite direction, and caught the bus home." I mumble. Shaking my head. He nods, biting into his chicken wrap.

"So you used your head half way. Nice job." He says sarcastically shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

"You don't understand Bricks." I mumble sadly.

"Well then help me understand Zee. I'm your man that's what I'm here for. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't be trying my best to protect you yo! I keep telling you I'm not your father or your mother. I'm not going to do you wrong you know this." He says raising his voice just a tad. I nod in understanding, sighing afterwards.

"And just for this stupid mess, you keeping that Bentley yo."

"Bu-"

"But nothing Zee. I don't care if you don't want it. You keeping it. I'm getting that jawn back tomorrow, and you call me tonight after work. Matter fact I'll be at your job at 3:50am to pick you up. I don't care. And if you ever pull some stupid mess like this again, you quitting that job." I pout, blinking blankly. Bricks, laughs nonchalantly, shrugging.

"If that what it takes to open your eyes to your own safety, then so be it." He continues to eat, taking a sip of soda as I just sit in silence. I nod in acceptance, looking out my window in long thought. 

"I love you Zee. I seen you get hurt way too many times to see this happen again." I avert my attention to him, seeing the sincerity.

I know he just wants me to be safe, and I should want the same for myself. I know killing Omari, if he killed my brother, won't bring X back. It's just foolishness.

"I love you too." A smile breaks my lips, he smiles back.

"Good. Now I would tell you twerk for me before we hang up like we normally do, but niggas already plotting as they walk by my desk. So give daddy kisses instead." I chuckle as we air kiss in unison hanging up after.

I really don't know why I do the stupid shit I do. I've been beat so much my momma probably knocked the common sense out of me. I wouldn't be surprised. I'm just messed up all kind of ways.

I look at the time, seeing it's 12:17. I have some time before Ryan and them get here. I might as well take a shower. I should be done and dressed by the time they get here.

°°°°

After being with the girls all day almost, I tell Lia to drop me off downtown. Lia just basically wanted to show off her new ride her nigga bought her this morning. I mean I could care less. I don't gloat about my shit like Lia and Ryan do. Shit when I pulled up in that Bentley, Ryan was being a scrub in the passenger seat and shit. The worst.

I feel arms wrap around me, and familiar kisses on my neck. I moan a little, laying my head back on his chest.

"You aight?" Bricks questions concern. I shake my head no.

"I don't feel good." I mummer. He rubs my stomach, kissing my cheek.

"Was it something you ate?" I nod.

"Yea. And it's that time of the month. Lia wanted me to try tofu, and now my tummy hurts." I pout.

"You might have to poop." He chuckles. I laugh, elbowing him in his side.

"Stop! Can we go home please. I missed you." He smiles, slapping my thigh.

"You should of brought your ass to my spot this morning. You lucky your stomach fucked up, and you on your period, I would of fucked you for punishment." He playfully pushes me off him, making his way to the garage for his car.

"Don't threaten me with a good time nigga." I mumble sarcastically. He laughs, shaking his head. I hold my stomach as I walk behind him. I could feel the vomit coming up, but I held it down. I'm not near a toilet, so I might as well just wait till I get there. 

"What chu do today?" Bricks questions as he cranks the car. I yawn, laying the seat back.

"I was with Ryan and them just chilling. But Lia got a new ride showing it off and shit." I flag. Bricks laughs, rubbing my thigh.

"Sounds like somebody trying to out do someone." I scoff rolling my eyes.

"Yea ok. I'm not in competition with that girl. Besides why I gotta be in competition with anybody when I got you." I smirk, rubbing his ear. He licks his lips, loosening his tie. He pays for the parking at the toll pulling out the garage.

"Quit playing you know I'll pull this damn car over." I laugh leaving his ear alone.

"Let me stop. How was work though?" I question, closing my eyes.

"The same old. Boring as shit. We going to Miami this weekend for a business trip. You wanna go?" He questions.

"Do I have a choice?" I chuckle.

"Naw I don't even know why I asked, knowing I'm bringing that ass right wit me." I shake my head laughing.

"None of your old bitches gone be there are they?" I turn my attention to him as she smacks his lips.

"Bricks." He sighs.

"I don't know, maybe. But you not fighting though."

"Let a bitch try me, try me, Ima kill her who- I need my knife." Bricks bust out laughing.

"Chill you not fighting nobody." He assures. I roll my eyes, as he leans over pecking my lips when the car comes to a stop.

"You still mad at me?" I question as he pulls back driving off.

"Yea. I'm gone be for a little bit." I sigh and nod. I know Bricks just wants what's best for me, and is worried about my safety but I'm good. I'll just have to leave my brother at peace and hope he makes it. Damn this is some bullshit.

°°°°

Later That Night...

Adrese Carter...

I jump up, hearing the back door being broken into, getting up from the couch. I take the cushioning off the seats, grabbing ak's and 45's, walking over to the steps. I hide behind the wall, hearing these niggas whisper shit. I send a bullet to one niggas head, and the bullets begin flying. I stand at the stairwell, just shooting niggas until my 45 emptied.

"Get that nigga!" A familar voice yells. I send shots to his head, walking backwards up to the second floor window. I climb out of it, dodging a bullet that just missed my head. I shot back killing him as two bullets hit my shoulder blade.

"Fuck!" I hiss, shooting niggas that was starting to come up the fire escape. I walk towards them shooting my ak at every nigga that popped up. Finally hitting the ground, I run in the bushes looking back to make sure I'm not being followed. I finally get to the stream, walking the rocked path to my car that hides behind my the other set of bushes.

I grab my duffle bag out the bushes taking out the keys to the car. I unlock it, getting in cranking up. I see them niggas, running toward me flooring the gas. I knew them niggas wasn't through with us, that's what I tried to tell Xavier but he didn't wanna listen.

After a thirty minute drive, I pull up to Kendra's house, parking around back. She's my baby moms and I got two sons by her. She has full custody of them because of my lifestyle, but I'm allowed to visit them on weekends. I miss them so much man, but after the shit I put Kendra though she won't give me another chance.

I bang on the door, calling her name. The door swings open Kendra closes her robe screw face. I could see the anger in her eyes, I mean it's two in the morning and I'm banging on her door like the ops.

"What the fuck are you doing here! Our kids are sleep! It's-" I turn around, hissing as I show her the two bullet wounds. She sighs pulling me into the house, checking her surroundings before closing the door.

"Just wait for me in the guest room. I'll be in there with the first aid kit." She whispers. I head to the room, sitting down on the bed. Kendra walks in minutes later with all the shit she needed. I felt the bed dip in and out, hissing as she dug into my wounds with the tools. After about a hour, she stitched me up slapping the wound to tell me she's done. I glare at her as she climbs off the bed.

"Covers are in the closet, be out by the morning."

"Kendra." I call stopping her. I hate when she does this.

"What Drese?" She questions annoyed.

"You not gone lay with me?" I question. She scoffs in laughter, opening the door but I get up closing it. I press my front against her back, moving her hair to the other side of her neck.

I lean in, breathing in her sweet scent while kissing her neck as she let out soft moans. Kendra knew I was the only nigga that can make her feel the way I make her do. I didn't cheat on her or nothing, because I had all I needed at home. It's just I chose the game over my family knowing I shouldn't have.

"Adrese don't." She moans, rolling her neck back.

"You don't miss me?" I question. She pushes me off of her, with tear filled eyes and I flop on the bed.

"Of course I fucking miss you, but I'm not gone keep doing this back and forth shit! You the one that chose the game over your wife and kids, not me! So therefore I had to do what was best for Jaceyon, Carmelo and myself! Since you didn't care!"

"I did care and I still do! I admit it I fucked up but if you didn't want me in your life anymore you wouldn't have let me through that fucking door! I didn't want the divorce, hell I was willing to quit trapping, you the one that just gave up on us so quickly so I did what I had to do to provide for you and our kids! And I'm still doing the shit!" I exclaim, towering over her. Kendra looks up at me with tear filled eyes, looking down sniffing. She hated to cry in front of me, why I never knew. That's another thing that fucked us up. We never communicated.

"Now I'm not sleeping down here and you and my kids are upstairs. I'm sleeping with you, and so I won't tempt you I'll sleep on the cot." She nods, opening the door. I grab a comforter and a pillow following her up the steps after making sure everything was good. I enter my son's room kissing their foreheads, leaving out with the door cracked.

"If you need to take a shower, I still have a couple of you clothes here I kept to sleep in. Boxers, jeans, button ups and all." Kendra mumbles, putting a fitted sheet on the mattress.

I nod taking my undershirt off, feeling her stare at me. I just shake my head, laying down. Kendra turns off the lights as I close my eyes, feeling her lips touch mine and I kiss back but I don't deepen it. I don't want to hurt anymore then I already have.

"Goodnight." She whispers, pulling back.

"Night ma." I mumble turning over. I know she just wants to be happy and honestly Ima let her. She deserves happiness, and peace. Shit I'm not gone do nothing but turn her hair gray which she doesn't need.

I just want this mess with The Virgo's to be over with. If I had a way to the money I could possibly pay them back and this mess could over with. Maybe I should visit that nigga we sold them too. I'm pretty sure he sold them diamonds for the real price. I'll get his ass.

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