31. hurt

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Kaydon

The car ride was just silent and torturously long. Trees whiz by and the soft music playing in the background made my feet tap to the beat.

It was almost sunset and I wonder what everyone was doing. My heart aches every time I think about her and the way she said those same words to me like she did back then. The way tears started falling out of her eyes almost made me cry. She was broken, hurt. She had to see that again.

You know, I don't get how Harry does it. How he sees his own son, and his friends being ripped away by their other family. Blake has always hated his dad, Harry never really appreciated Blake. It was mutual, Blake said. What hurt most was that whenever those two fought back then, Cameron was somehow stuck in the middle watching them get at each other's throats. Carol wasn't even there to help. Poor little Cameron had to scream for them to stop. Ty and I would try and drag Blake away while Sierra and Parker would comfort Cameron upstairs.

Harry had this favoritism towards me and I hated it. I hated every single moment I had with him. I hate how close he is to me in this car. I hate how he threatened to ruin their lives. I hate how he's so unfair towards the guys. We all know he's all talk.

I was about to close my eyes to just drift off but Harry turns off the music and I turn my gaze towards the radio. "What's on your mind, son?" he asks me with a stupid grin on his face. I almost roll my eyes at his stupidity.

I sit up straighter in my seat and faced the window. "One, stop calling me son," I snap, "And two, don't act like you don't have a single clue." my voice cuts through the silence like a hot knife going through butter. He isn't surprised by my snappy remarks and he relaxes into his seat.

I hear Harry snicker. "Kaydon, you heard me. This is was your only chance!" he takes his sunglasses off and sets down on the little storage opener from the screen in the front of the car. "I'm doing you a favor."

"A favor my ass," I chuckle unamused, rolling my eyes.

"It is a favor. The season is almost here and I want you to be better." he's getting irritated and I have been irritated since he started talking.

"That's what you wanted." I say coldly. "I don't want to do all of this shit! I didn't want this life, I didn't want to do football for my whole childhood. Look at how fucking horrible you are! You think it's okay to just take me away from my family. From my life. That's sick." His expression turns dark and he grips the steering wheel with his left hand as he drinks his coffee with the other. "You only wanted this for yourself." I mutter.

"Your family doesn't care that you left. Aren't they in, what, Aruba?" he says right back with his lips almost turned up at the corners. I almost slap him in the face but I didn't. I'm better than that.

He knows all about my parents and the shit they do. He has gotten so low that he used them to hurt me. I'm used to it. I'm used to be alone and them not caring at all.

Everyday until I left, they were sometimes home for Sundays. They left the day after. Everyone else's parents were worried for me and I usually slept over at Ty's place. His dad was more than welcome to help me and I'm thankful for him till this day. Funny to say that Blake and I have daddy issues while Ty just doesn't have any. I stay quiet and I don't respond to Harry as he laughs his ass off.

"That was funny, wasn't it?" he sounds out of breath and he wipes a fake tear under his eyes. I look at him unamused and he stops.

"Kaydon, all I'm telling you is that you're wasting your heart and time," he sighs, staring at me. "Mostly with Sierra."

That's when he crossed the damn line. Actually, he crossed it since when he took us. "What's that supposed to mean?" I respond back quickly.

"She doesn't love you." he says straightforward. I shake my head and poke my tongue to my right cheek.

"Even if she doesn't love me," the words spilling out of my mouth, "She'll just have to live with the fact that I love her."

I see his eyes widen in shock for a split second and I smile at myself for saying it. It is true. I broke the rule but she doesn't have to know. Plus, maybe she's into rule breakers.

"Will she know?" he asks, suddenly intrigued. I just focus my eyes on the trees and signs moving past us and his question.

"She will."

Sierra

I pull the soft, baby blue blanket around myself as I stare at the clock on my bedside table. It's been four hours.

Four hours since he left. Four hours since I felt anything. Four hours since I saw him. My tears are dry, my nose is no longer stuffy, and my heart is somewhat patched up. I just feel empty. My head isn't empty, though. It's running through thoughts.

I hear a knocking on my door and I sit up from my laying state. I take out the black hair tie and slid it on my wrist before fixing my hair. "Come in." I say, softly. The door creaks open and I try to smile when I see Ty and Blake walk in.

They changed from their clothes before. Ty is wearing a brown hoodie with shorts and Blake has on sweatpants and a grey long sleeve champion pullover.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask. My hands brush down my navy blue sweatshirt and I cover my legs, which were only wearing black shorts, with the blue blanket.

Ty sits down at the end of my bed, moving pillows and Blake sits down next to me, putting an arm around my shoulder.

"We were wondering how you were feeling," Blake says, making sure he was quiet. "Parker and Cam went out to go get some noodles for us all to eat." he tries to give me a smile.

I nod. "I'm fine." Ty raises an eyebrow and I chuckle softly. He knows when I'm lying.

"I texted him an hour ago. He said he was unpacking and he misses us already." Ty continues to create light conversations and my heart sinks about Kaydon. Should I text him?

I don't want to become a distraction to him. If Harry sees him not doing well, then he might not just come back ever. Blake shuffles around on my bed before laying down on his back and his hands behind his head.

"You should text him." he says out of the blue and I whip my head to him giving him a shocked expression.

"What?"

"What if I become a distraction to him?" I stammer, "I don't want Harry to get mad at him or anything." Ty shoves me against the shoulder teasingly and starts laughing.

"You've distracted him since we came back." he says nonchalantly and my eyes almost bulge out of my eye sockets. "He's been worried about you ever since then. Trust me."

He has? Am I that bad?

"You aren't that bad," Blake responds and I realize I said that out loud. I sheepishly pull the blankets up and I sigh. Ty throws a pillow at Blake's face causing to him to throwing it back at Ty. They almost knock down my incredibly high laundry basket full of
clothes.

I really need to do laundry. I hadn't done them for days. Procrastinating is probably my best trait, took it from Parker.

"Why didn't you guys tell me?" I ask quietly, focusing on the topic at hand and they don't say anything for a while. They're thinking for the right words to say and I let them do that.

The most heartbreaking thing to me was that he didn't say goodbye. Not even a wave.

Ty sighs, scooting closer to us and I stare at the ceilingย  focusing on the tiny cracks and chips of paint. I feel his hand on my leg and I sit up.

"He told us he didn't want to break your heart, Si." he begins and I shake my head with a laugh. Blake shushes me and I oblige, listening to Ty.

"He was scared of losing you again. He didn't want to do it. Hell, he cried, he cried at the beach when he got the call. That's why we were so late. When he figured out only he was leaving, his heart shattered. It was like his only family being ripped apart from him again.

"When I tell you that the only thought and thing he had was you, it was only you." he scoffs, smiling. I can see the remembrance in his eyes. "His words were only, Sierra this! Sierra that, and Blake and I were about to tape his mouth shut." Blake cracks a grin at the thought and I lean my head on his shoulders for comfort and he pats my head. "The biggest fear wasn't about all of these scouts and practices he had to do like before. It was the thought about losing you for the second time."

My eyes glisten with tears and I rub them to make sure they went back in. Blake's body shakes as he laughs at me and I swat him, sitting up on my own.

"We couldn't break your heart and we for sure couldn't break his. He would've been so, so upset if we did." Ty finishes and Blake nods along.

"Don't be mad at him for not saying so sooner. He really wished that he had the damn chance but Harry had to come to school at the very last moment." Blake scoffs and I laugh.

"I'm not mad. Just upset he didn't say goodbye." I mumble and they both give each other knowing glances.

Ignoring the weird glances, I fumble with the strings on the blanket. I pull every time I think of his stupid beautiful face. The string is long. Very long.

Blake puts a hand on the blanket to stop me and I reach his gaze. "He loves you, you know." he says quietly and I shake my head vigorously. Ty exhales sharply and I start to laugh.

"There's no way he loves me. That's too big of a word guys." the door slams against the wall and here comes in Cameron and Parker with take-out bags in their hands. Setting them on the floor, grabbing pillows and napkins, they grin at us. I think my wall has a dent of the door now.

Blake furrows his eyebrows, walking to the bags while crouching to see what's in them. "Where's the noodles?" he asks.

Cameron switches on my TV and goes on Netflix. "Change of plans!" she smiles, throwing the remote at Ty who catches it and Parker hands him a plate full of Chow Mein and a pizza slice. Jesus, my room is going to smell as fuck. They set out the food and my eyes widen at the huge platters.

Ty licks his lips and grabs the plate, balancing it on his thigh as he scrolls through shows. Parker hands Blake the receipt and his card. Oh god.

"Seventy fucking dollars?" Blake gawks and glared at his sister and Parker. Parker grins sweetly and snatches the receipt away, throwing it in my trash can. "I'm never letting you take my card again." he narrows his eyes and she pokes his nose.

"I'll pay you back. It's just Chinese food, pizza, sushi, and some churros. Sierra's favorite churros may I add!" she sits on my bed with Ty and I roll my eyes going over to the windows to shut them.

Mentally reminding myself to light five candles after they leave and I let out a laugh as I hear Cameron yelling at Blake for stealing her salmon nigiri.

As I was closing the blinds to the last window, the one facing Kaydon's house, I spot a note and envelope on the window. "Open me!" it says and I'll just have to check it out later.

I'm being dragged to the floor next to Cameron and Blake sits in my desk chair. We're all piled at the end of my bed, me and Cam on the floor, Parker and Ty on the bed, and Blake on Parker's right side in the chair as we wait for Ty to press play on Criminal Minds.

"Eat." Parker shoves me a plate full of orange chicken, sushi, and a churro. I look at it hesitantly and she rolls her eyes, urging me to take it. "You haven't eaten since one today, eat."

She is right. My stomach starts to grumble and I take the food gratefully, immediately digging in. Ty pressed play and we all eat and laugh as we watch, chat, and hear Blake screaming whenever someone randomly gets shot in the show.

**

"Get some rest!"

"You better not fucking cry, we talked about this."

"Sleeeep!"

"If you stay up till two tonight or cry, I'm calling Tanya to whoop your ass!"

I shove them all out of my door and yelled a quick okay. I hear them all walk down the stairs saying goodbye to my mom and Tanya and I light up a few candles.

The envelope goes to my mind and I remember that I have to do that. My floors are all cleaned, thanks to them helping me clean up after we ate so much food. I change my clothes to a tank top and shorts and I brush my teeth.

After doing all of that and closing my door, I open the window that faces Kaydon's and I hesitate on walking across the branch to his. If he ever saw me do this, he would've cursed the shit out of me, worried as hell for my safety. I suck in a breath and stepped out on the tree. It wasn't chilly, it's Florida, but I do get a slight breeze. Carefully making my way over to the shut window, I rip off the envelope and I slowly made my way back. I hear a sudden meow and I almost fall off the damn branch when I see the cat at the bottom.

Fuck you, cat.

I hop inside my room, perfectly stable and non broken and I close the windows, shutting the blinds too. I sit on my bed and stared at the envelope in my hand. It's still white and clean and the back was almost open. Taking a shaky breath again, I open it to find a piece of paper and a crumpled one. I place the crumpled one next to me and I open up the bigger one.

Sierra, don't kill me for this.

I'm guessing you're reading this after I left. I probably didn't say goodbye, just keep that in mind okay? Don't be mad at me. Well, you have every right to be.

I hate this. I hate this so so much, Si. I'm leaving again and I don't want to leave. I don't wanna leave the guys, I don't wanna leave the girls, I don't wanna leave all of it behind. Most importantly, I don't want to leave you. You are someone that I can't lose. I guess I am today.

I know you wanted me to tell you, I'm pretty sure Blake and Ty told you but it's true whatever they said. I didn't want to hurt you, I know you seeing me right before I leave probably hurt more but I wanted to protect you. I care about you so much and before I even got here, I wondered what it would be like if we never left you guys. You changed my view on the world so much, I just can't put my words into a sentence.

You don't love me like you did, I'm pretty sure you stopped loving me right after we left back then, but that's okay. I do, though.ย  I always did. Sarah never filled that void I had in my heart where you were. No one did. I was such an asshole, a dick, a stupid person.

You're probably nodding along to that, shut up.

The last thing I wanted to say is that I promise I'll come back okay? I'm not leaving forever, I'll find a way to come back to your championship game.

I'll come back to the group, to our Melly's chats, to the memories we made and I'll come back to see you. I say this with every truth in my body.

I promise you, I promise you the whole entire world, the planets, the stars, and the universe that I'll come back.

Back to you.

You just gotta trust me and promise me that you'll just believe in me. Remember at the beginning when I said I didn't say goodbye? You don't deserve a goodbye and I'll never say goodbye to you. Why?

You get a see you later. WE aren't done. Our timeline isn't finished.

See you later, Si.

Love, Kay.

I re-read the words again and again before letting the tears fall. Sorry, Parker and Cam. I'm crying. See you later. God, I fucking love you, Kaydon.

My hands shake as I realize what I said. I never stopped did I? I always thought about him, I cared, and I always did. I wish I could tell him and hug him that I never really stopped.

He was always that love I was missing.

My eyes divert to the crumpled paper with blue marker on it. If this man did what I think he did then I'm going to fucking crumble. He's a man of words and he knew what to say in places. He's also a good listener.

I slowly open up the wrinkled lined paper and I laugh at his messy handwriting. He really did what Taylor did in the music video. On the paper is three words we never got to say to each other in blue marker.

I love you.

**

a/n

unedited

so.. how yall feeling now??

I COULDNT BARE TO SEE YOU GUYS IN PAIN HAHAHA. my heart started to hurt too ๐Ÿฅฒ plus i pre wrote this so many mistakes

we only have a couple chapters left and TRUST ME, they will be long and full of information. :) kaydon promised to come back!!

the next few chapters will take a while so bare with me. LOVE YOU


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