18. our spot.

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How do we call a place home? Home is a place where we feel safe at, a place to sleep, a place to have a family. Home can't just be an empty room with nothing in it.

I can't call my own house home.

Everyday, I come home I feel empty. That feeling in the pit of my stomach devouring every nerve in my body. It doesn't feel right to see all the emptiness under your Christmas tree, the bedsheets on your parents bed still made for weeks, the dust collected on the tables in the living room because you're never home, the cold feeling on Thanksgiving, or the pain of seeing everyone outside with their family eating barbecue on the Fourth of July.

It's not right for your parents to forget about you.

I don't feel sad, nor angry at them. I just feel guilty. They never planned in having me, did they? I ruined all of their plans, their lives, and their future.

My dad always told me that my mom felt left out with the other moms in our group when they went to bars while she was pregnant. She wanted to get wasted but she didn't because she loved me so much.

Love, my ass.

She never loved me, hell, she only cared so she had the look of a perfect family. My family was never even real.

It was all a lie. A show. Just that forgotten son living in their house as they travel the world. No one knew except our friends. I hate the pity they give me when they talk about family events.

The only person who made me feel loved was her. That brown, smiley, cheerful, beautiful girl who was my best friend.

How am I going to have the heart to tell her that I'm leaving? 4 weeks exactly..

On her last championship game.

**

"I hadn't seen this place in forever," she laughs and urges me to go on. My eyes go over the trees with vines on the branches, the waterfall and the trickling water, and the bright flowers dotted around the edge of the cliff her and I used to sit at every night.

I can't rip my gaze away from the sight across from me. Another cliff with more trees. This area was quite ghosted. Only a hiker or two we saw but only us. Sierra brushes the ground with her hand and sits down with her legs dangling. The cliff wasn't tall, but still a drop and it terrified me to see her so close to the edge.

She pats the space next to her and turns across from her staring at the view I was just looking at. I slowly walk forward, pebbles running across the surface, and sat down with a sigh. The tension of those silly arguments we had before fizzed out yet I still feel guilty.

Sometimes I wish that life can just be fair and equal for once. Just one day could be the perfect day if it was.

I guess we don't get what we want all the time.

Never forget that life is only this short amount of time that we have. It may seem endless, but it could just end. It could end right now.

"What are you thinking about?" she turns and looks at me with curiosity in her eyes. I turn back to face the other cliff and let out a breath.

I just want to get away from everything.

She snorts, "You can try, but it'll never succeed." I close my mouth shut when I realized she heard what I said.

"It can succeed," I argue. "The problem is that it'll just be hard." She laughs and looks down below where her feet were dangling. Droplets of sweat were being collected on my forehead and I wipe them with my arm.

The sun was shining directly on us but Sierra doesn't seem to mind. She doesn't mind anything nowadays. Her mind has been focused on volleyball and her family. Hell, she's been doing so much for family.

Aunt Tanya told me that Sierra has been trying to work her ass off to buy Leah this dress she's been wanting for her birthday. It's only in a couple months but she's been juggling her life while being a high-school student-athlete.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like if everyone in the world just didn't care who you were?" she suddenly asks. I raise an eyebrow in confusion and she chuckles at the quick action.

"Like what if everyone just forgot everyone," she continues rambling on about her thoughts. Just like how she did before. "I mean, I get the whole like friendship shit but what if someone just wants to be alone? Maybe being alone isn't so bad."

I instantly tense and she realizes what she just said. She shoots her hand up to her mouth with wide eyes. "I am so sorry! What the hell is wrong with me? Kaydon, I apologize oh my god. I didn't mean for that to slip out."

Instead of being cold, I let out a laugh. In my own amusement, I just let her keep on rambling with the apology.

She sees the sly smirk on my face and stops. "You're not mad?"

I shake my head. "We've been mad at each other for the littlest things. Let's change that." She cocks her head to the side slightly with furrowed eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you bring me here, Sierra?" I ask, avoiding her gaze which was directly on me.

She stays silent for a bit taking in my words. It wasn't awkward but it was high-tension. It was like the whole world would crumble if she moved an inch or said something too loud.

Like a weight was on her shoulders and every step she takes, it takes her down.

"We hadn't come here in a while. I guess with school, volleyball, and our friendship lately we hadn't gotten to talk with each other." she continues rambling. "I knew you didn't like Zach. I was just excited that a guy liked me ag-" she cuts off and shakes her head.

I turn her chin towards me, looking into her saddened eyes. "What?"

She avoids my gaze and doesn't answer.

"My championship game is soon, Kaydon. My grades are slowly dropping, I've been so stupid. You were my only friend back then who understood, but now we've been arguing. What are we?"

This time I avoid her gaze. I have no answer. I don't know what we are. When we were 7, we were so into life and so aware of our friendship. Yes, I loved her back then but not now. I don't think.

We're a mess, we're lost, and we're two completely broken people. The sickening part is that a part of me wants her to come to me when she's down. I want her to just trust me again.

What are we?

**

this chapter is so confusing and bad guys ILL EDIT IT I SWEAR.

this chapter will help set up next chapters and how they both feel so trust the process-  i honestly feel so bad for publishing it but ive been stressing out lately with this

basically this chapter is into detail of how they are right now and what they feel. itll lead up to the BIG confession!!

hope you enjoyed :)

-s

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