Cole: Isaac stop fuckin maggers upstairs

"I really need to leave this group," I tell Zoey, sighing at my screen, and remembering Zeke's in it too.

"Then leave?"

"I've already tried. Cole just keeps adding me back." I sit my phone down on the couch armrest and look back at the TV screen, where Clueless is currently playing. It has to be my favourite movie of all time, after X-Men, Avengers, Divergent, The Hunger Games, The Maze Runner...

Okay I have a lot of favourite movies of all time.

My phone starts buzzing again.

Isaac: we're not fuckig

Asshole: I am going to kill you

Cole: fuckig

Cole changed the group name to fuckig.

My eyes focus on Zeke's contact name on my phone. Asshole. He's such an asshole. He's an asshole for making me like him. He's just messing with my head.

I'm not even mad about everything he said to me today – I'm hurt. I just want to believe that it wasn't true, or that it was just a nightmare – that he still wants me in his life.

I decide to leave the group – or try to. Me staring at the word asshole for five minutes straight probably isn't a good thing.

As soon as my phone hits the couch, it buzzes again.

Cole added you to the group: fuckig.

I groan and throw my phone down again.

"I'll tell him to stop," Zoey says and picks up her phone. After she clicks Cole's contact, she calls his number and puts it on speakerphone.

"Wassup, baby," Cole's voice comes through the receiver.

"Stop adding Marnie back to that stupid group," she says back, sternly.

"Why? It's lit."

"Cole," she says slowly, the way a mother would when scolding her child.

"But Zoeeeee," he whines.

"You better stop."

"Wanna know something funny?" He says, changing the subject.

"No."

"Isaac and Maggie are fucking and the whole house is 'bouta fall apart."

"And why hasn't Zeke ripped his dick off yet?"

"I'm sitting on him," he explains.

My cheeks feel hot at the mention of him. He's there, on the other side of the call. I could easily just ask about what he said today, and ask for an explanation. But my brain runs over the million reasons why I shouldn't.

"What part of him?" Zoey narrows her eyes although he can't see her.

"His stomach. Don't worry, baby, our relationship isn't that sexual yet."

Zeke's voice is quiet when I hear it come through the phone. "It almost is, dude. Seriously, you better move up."

"Don't pretend you ain't loving this," Cole replies.

"I ain't pretending," he emphasises the word 'ain't'. The faint sound of walls creaking comes through the receiver. "Oh my fucking- ISAAC," Zeke shouts so loud that i'm tempted to cover my ears.

"Get off of me," he tells Cole.

"Nope, dude you don't wanna walk in on lil Mags all naked and shit."

"Shut up and get off. I could easily make you."

"Then make me."

"That would require hurting you, and I am feeling nice today."

Nice? Please.

"Awww, Zoe are you hearing this? Look at us bonding." Cole's voice is high pitched.

"You know what, I don't care because Zeke's a dickhead," Zoey says. "I'm gonna go, but seriously Cole, leave Marnie alone."

"Get your woman under control," Zeke mumbles.

"Shut up, cunt," Zoey snaps back.

"Babe, don't use such language!" Cole says.

"I'm hanging up."

"Good for you," Zeke says, followed by a slapping sound and an "Ouch," from Zeke.

Zoey hangs up the phone and rolls her eyes. "I don't understand how you can like him."

"Neither do I."

+++

Zeke isn't at school for the next three days.

On the first day, I asked Isaac and Cole if they knew why. They both claimed not to know then changed the subject. I don't think any of them have any idea what Zeke said to me, although I was convinced by Cole's expression when he saw me crying that he knew exactly what had just happened.

When I see him at school again, he's sitting in the cafeteria with Isaac at his old table. The one him and his friends sat at before we became friends.

Something about seeing him as I walked into the cafeteria drained me. I felt like I was weak, and a stupid little girl who was obsessed with him. The moment our eyes lock as he drinks from a can of Dr. Pepper, I feel the air being sucked out of me.

He slowly takes the can from his pink lips and sits it down, holding my gaze. I can't read his eyes, but I sense a glimpse of a sign of regret.

Does he regret making me cry? Does he regret saying those things? Did he mean them? Just a second later the regret is gone, and I get no answers from his eyes, as he's too good at hiding his emotions.

"You coming?" Zoey says. I've been frozen in the spot staring at Zeke for so long, she probably thinks i'm insane.

My body feels hot as I look away from Zeke, yet still feel his eyes on me. The lump in my throat is forming again as I remember everything he said. How he'll never think of me the way I do of him. My eyes avert to the door that I just entered. "Yeah... I uh, I just need to- I need to," my voice cracks and I decide not to even bother finishing the sentence, and instead just walk out.

"I know it hurts to see him," Zoey says as she follows me down the corridor.

I don't respond, and when I get into one of the stalls in the bathroom, I let myself cry. How stupid am I, crying over a stupid boy.

I never wanted to be like this. I never wanted to fall so hard for someone ever again, but here I am, crying in the school restroom just like I was two years ago.

"Marnie, come out," Zoey says softly, knocking on the stall door.

I'm sitting on the closed toilet seat, using toilet paper to wipe my eyes, and sniffling like a pathetic little baby. "It's okay, Zoe; I'm fine. Just go have lunch."

"I'm not leaving you. Open this door."

After debating with myself whether or not to open it, I finally do. Zoey looks at me sympathetically and kneels next to the toilet and hugs me.

"Why am I crying?" I say while sobbing. "All I did was see him."

"You like him too much. All it takes is to see him one time and all the feelings you have will come rushing back."

"I don't want to like him," I mumble into her shoulder.

"I know."

"When will it stop?"

"It won't. And it won't get any easier either. I hate to tell you this, Marn, but feelings like this don't just go away. You get used to them, that's all."

I pull away and shake my head. "I don't want to get used to it... I don't want to like him."

"But you do. You can't change that, and seeing him with other people will hurt like hell, but over time you'll get stronger."

After Zoey and I talk, I wet the skin under my eyes with water and try to clean myself up. It helps a little but my eyes are still puffy from crying. When we walk out of the restroom, I catch a glimpse of someone walking round the corner and out of sight.

I find it hard not to notice the black converse on his feet just as he disappears. Zeke.

"You think he heard what we were saying?" I ask Zoey, my face beginning to feel hot.

"Who?"

"Zeke," I find his name being hard to say, as if it is choking me.

"That was Zeke? Why is he out here? Stalker much," she scoffs.

I don't reply; instead we walk in silence back to the cafeteria. The table that Zeke and Isaac were sitting at is empty when we return, and all I can do for the rest of lunch is wonder where they went, and why Zeke was in that corridor.

Z E K E  B L A K E L Y

The look on her face. Fuck. I fucking hate myself.

Suddenly she heads out of the cafeteria, the look of pain remains on her face.

"Just explain to her," Isaac says.

"Shut up," I scold him for being so stupid. "She'd never leave me alone that way."

"So you think breaking her heart will work?"

"She doesn't care about me enough to have her heart broken." My leg starts shaking under the table and I can't figure out if it's the cigarette cravings, the need to run after her, or because of how fucking sexually frustrated I am.

I can't take it anymore, and so I rush out after her and Zoey. I know she'll go to the girls bathrooms, so that's where I head.

Why am I even doing this? I am supposed to be staying away from her yet here I am, running after her like a puppy runs after it's owner. This is another reason why we're no good for each other. She turns me into the exact person i've been trying to not become; my old self. My old stupid, naive self. The person who needed his dumbass of a dad to be around and begged for his attention. The one who needed comfort and love to survive. Fuck that person. That person is dead.

That person died the day my father told me he wishes I was never born.

I stand outside the restroom door, out of breath from the thoughts running through my head. Shut them out. Shut it all out. There we go.

My breathing calms and in the silence I hear Zoey's voice. "I'm not leaving you. Open this door," she demands. After that all I hear is quiet voices that I can't make out.

I didn't want to hurt her. I promised myself when I knew her that i'd never hurt her the way everyone else has. What the fuck have I done?

This is Jordans fault. It's all his fault. He has fucked up my life. He is the reason I am always watching my back, always trying not to push him too far. I can't let anyone else suffer because of shit I have done.

I want him dead. I want to fucking kill him.

Actually, that is not a bad idea.

The thought of the pleasure of my hands wrapped around Jordan's neck is enough to drag me away from the bathrooms. It's stupid. So fucking stupid, but I am fucking sick of that douchebag.

Of course I won't actually kill him – I wouldn't want to upset my Momma like that. But I want to hurt him, even if he hurts me twice as bad.

"Blakely!" I hear Isaac's footsteps running down the corridor behind me. "Where the fuck you going?"

"Fuck off." I won't let Isaac get into this. Not with Jordan. Unfortunately, I care about the son of a bitch too much to see him get hurt by anyone but me. He is my punchbag. Not anyone else's.

"Man, you're angry and heading right in the direction of the back doors. You got a death wish?" He walks beside me.

"Yes," I say, all too truthfully.

But then again, wouldn't want to upset Momma.

"Blakely," Isaac holds onto my arm to stop me. "Just think about this, okay?"

He knows that when I get angry I don't think; I do. He knows that when he tells me to think, it calms me down – makes me realise that I am being an idiot. I am not going to think about this. I want to hurt him while I am angry.

"Okay," I nod, but instead just keep the image of Jordan's bloody body in my mind.

"You still wanna do this? They'll all be out there, you know."

"I know."

"Fine, let's go," he starts walking towards the backdoors, where Jordan and his guys stand outside.

"Woah, hold up," I stop him. "You are not coming."

"Dude, I always get dragged into your shit anyway. I might as well just walk into it. Plus, you're gonna get fucking killed by them. You need help."

I feel something inside of me from his words. Happiness, maybe? Fuck knows. I don't like it though. I am also feeling the need to smile, which I don't like either.

"Okay," I say, instead of telling him how grateful I am to have him as a friend, and we both walk out the doors.

+++

ooooo how do you think this will end?

teaser: Jordan approaches Marnie...

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