☆ forty ☆

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here it is, the last chapter. this is so bittersweet to me. i started this book thinking that nobody would ever read it and it would just be for me to somehow help myself through the grieving process I was experiencing w/ Gus. I started this book a year and a half ago, and so much crazy stuff has happened during that time. I'm just so glad I followed through on something and stuck with it until the end. Especially since it's something to do with Gus.

"Bother me, tell me awful things. You know I love it when you do that, helps me get through this without you. Bother me, tell me awful things. You know I love it when you move that on me, love it when you do that on me."
___________

The song for this chapter is Beige by Yoke Lore.

EVELYN

"You did great, baby." Gus whispered seductively into my ear, sending shivers down my spine. He gently pressed his front against my back and raised his hand to caress the skin of my arms, leaving goosebumps in his wake. The feeling of his breath made the hair on the back of my neck raise and my heartbeat quicken.

"Thank you." It was a simple gesture, and thank you could never measure up to what he really means to me. I'm so glad he was able to be at my graduation and meet all of my family members. He's truly so special to me and I'm glad everyone I care about got to see that.

Standing in his bedroom, I thought back to all the times we stood in the exact same place. The fights, the arguments, the laughs, the tears, the music. All the creativity that flowed through these walls, the memories hidden in the floorboards.

I turned around to face him. I reached up to his face and caressed his freshly shaven skin. Attentively, I removed his beanie from his head and played with a few tufts of his bleach blonde hair as I beamed up at him happily.

"What did I do to deserve someone as beautiful as you?" He asked me, like I would know the answer.

"I don't know, what did I do to deserve such an angel in my life?" He scoffed in response.

"I'm no angel." I shrugged off his comment. He's my Goth Angel Sinner.

"You're an angel to me. You hold me when I'm weak, you wipe my tears and you watch over me everyday. Sometimes I feel like knowing you was all a dream, like I'm going to pinch myself and wake up in my bedroom to get ready to go to school or something."

"Well, I'm real baby and I'm not going anywhere." Peep assured me.

The next thing I knew, we're laying on his bed next to each other, kissing deeply and letting our hands roam all over each other.

I let out a short breath of air that I didn't even realize I was holding as he dragged my skinny denim jeans down my freshly shaven legs. I knew this was going to happen, so bet your ass I was prepared. I've never been so ready for something in my life, and I think I've waited long enough. My jeans disappeared off into the distance and I felt a heat rise to my face, clearly showing that although I was ready I still didn't have any clue as to what I'm doing.

"If you want me to stop at any time," He whispered against my inner thigh making me buck my hips against my will, "I will." There was no way I'm going to ask him to stop at any time. I can't think of anyone else I would want to share this moment with. Losing my virginity was never really special to me, but for some reason everything I thought before I got with Gus is all a distant memory. Most of my ideals and views on things have completely changed, and all things that I didn't care about beforehand are all special to me now that I'm sharing these moments with him. Instead of explaining all of that to him, I just nodded my head in agreement.

Just with getting me worked up from the kissing and touching, I was already wet which was kind of embarrassing when he pulled my panties down but he just smiled, happy with the affect he had over me. In less than a second, his mouth was on my core, his tongue darting out of his mouth to give my body attention that it has never had before.

My eyes immediately rolled into the back of my head. Sure I've touched myself before a time or two, but other than the one close call with Peep I had, I've been a virgin to everything sexual. I thank God I started dating him, because I'm sure if it had been anyone else who didn't respect me as much, I probably either would have been forced into it before I was ready or guilted about it.

His hot breath captured my attention as his tongue explored me, ghosting his lips over me, and then kissing my inner thighs. His hands roamed from my shins, thighs to my stomach, the feeling of his hands working me up. Before I knew it, he took his middle finger and began working me open gently. Inside, he curled his fingers against my g-spot and I whined in response. Since all the guys had left at this point, we're alone in the house and I'm not scared to make some noises, hopefully not like a porn star though.

"Gus," I breathily moaned out. "That feels so good." He wickedly smiles up at me and inserts a second finger, nearly sending me over the edge. Pressure started building inside of me and the feeling of straight pleasure courses through my veins, making me feel more alive than I've ever felt. His mouth returned to my core and he darted his tongue out to repeatedly massage my clit as he continued to finger me. 

"I want you to cum from my mouth," He whispered against me. "Then you can cum from my dick." I just nodded, unable to speak even if I wanted to. I arched my back to push myself closer to him, grinding my hips against his face. He allowed me to do so, clearly getting off on this as much as I was.

He continued his ministrations and I knew I was going to feel release soon, and although he wanted me to against his face, I would rather it be while he's inside of me. My hands that were formerly gripping his silky black bedsheets reached up to his cheeks, pulling him away from me. "Come here." I whispered to him. Once again he just smiled and he brought his lips up to mine. I could taste myself on his perfectly plump mouth but it didn't really bother me, thank God because even though I'm clean I still worried about how I would taste.

"Foreplay isn't that bad," I joked.

"Did you think it was going to be?" He questioned with a cocked eyebrow.

"No, I just didn't know it would be so good," I told him. He chuckled in response and continued his caressing on my legs, then hipbones. Slowly but surely he brought his right hand down to the apex of my legs, and let his fingers roam in between my thighs. I gazed at his painted fingernails as he brought his middle finger closer. I shook my head and pointed towards the pants he was still unfortunately wearing. "Off."

. . .

"Oh," I whispered, surprised at the fullness I felt.

"Does it hurt?" He asked, carefully adjusting slightly so he didn't shock me at all.

"No, but just be careful with me, okay?" He nodded, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead. Reaching his right hand up, he pushed a piece of freshly dyed purple hair behind my ear and stared into my eyes like he could read the words written on my soul. And a second later, his hips retracted and I began to feel him moving inside of me. Although I'm prepared and far from dry, it's still a weird feeling.

"You're so tight," he whispered against the crook of my neck. "I've never been with a virgin before." I giggled a little bit, not sure if I'm supposed to take that as a compliment and feel special or maybe feel slightly off about it.

"There's a first for everything I guess—" I was cut off from my breathy sentence by a moan, and I knew I wouldn't last much longer. I involuntarily clenched around him and Gus let out a groan for the first time and it was like music to my ears.

"I love you," He whispered in a shy tone to me which was funny because this is the first time he seemed genuinely nervous. "And I'm so glad I could be your first."

"So am I." I beamed up at him.

My release caught me off guard and I saw stars, it was like how people describe fireworks with their first kiss.

Soon, it was over and he collapsed on top of me and because he's so skinny it barely phased me whatsoever.

Afterwards, we showered together and made some food. It was such a perfect way to end the night because it just showed me that although he's famous, we could still have a home together. We have the chance to live a domesticated life together and marriage doesn't seem too much of a far fetched idea.

. . .

I watched as his back turned and he walked away from my car, destined for a journey I had to let him experience on his own. He deserves this, he deserves the recognition for the amazing talent he has. I'm so proud, and so in love. I know I'll miss him so much, like I already do. My heart lurches when he reaches to open the door. Tears begin to well up in my eyes as I come to terms with the fact this will be the last time I see him for nearly a year.

I looked down at my hands at my sides, my arms barely able to contain the ache of my heart. I don't want to look back at him, knowing I'll probably full out start sobbing, but I do. No one will see me ugly cry, so who cares?

When I looked back at the love of my life, I was surprised. The 6'1 lanky man was running towards me, his black converse slapping against the ground with every hurried step he took. Before I knew it, I was jumping into the arms of Gus, tightly embraced and squeezed so hard I thought I'd stop breathing. I hugged him back twice as hard, letting the hideous broken hearted noise leave my throat while I held on to him for just a little while longer.

"I love you, so so so much. All of this is for you. Please don't forget me," He begged in my ear, his breathy whisper giving me chills down my spine. "I know I'll never be able to get you out of my head."

"I hope not," I commented through tears, "We still have a wedding to plan." I brought my head back to look him in his chocolate brown eyes which were tearing up as well.

"That's right baby girl, you're so right. And don't you forget it, I wanna see floral arrangements and everything. Don't ever think I'm gonna be too busy for you Evie."

"I know, I know. I love you so much," I breathed out, "I couldn't forget about you even if I wanted to. Even if I hated you, you would be the bad taste in my mouth I could never get rid of. You would be the annoying itch I can't scratch, the one that makes you want to crawl out of your skin." I added with a laugh.

"Good." He responded with a smile. I looked down at my wrist and checked the time, realizing he was going to miss his flight if I didn't let go of him now.

"You've got to go, love." I whispered.

"I know." And with that, I leaned in ever so slowly and with a ghostly touch I placed my lips onto his, kissing him with the most emotion and passion I could muster into the action. My cheeks wet with tears, his arms still wrapped around me. I placed my right hand underneath of his jaw, holding him close to me.

"Be careful," I whispered after pulling away from him. "I can't live without you."

"You have no idea how much I agree." He added, patiently letting me down and smoothing out his white t-shirt that I could see the harsh black outline's of his tattoos under.

"I love you." I told him.

"I love you too." And with that, I watched him walk away for the second time. With a final wave, he disappeared into the sea of people in the airport. Even with his hair I couldn't see him anymore, so I decided it was time for me to leave too. Being the paranoid anxious person I am, I made a mental note to check local news to see if there were any plane crashes in the area. It's scary to even have that thought, but there's nothing more I care about in this world. He holds my world and heart in his hands.

He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made out of, his and mine are the same.

_______

THE END

_______

This has been such a crazy journey for me from start to finish. I started writing this book in one of the loneliest times of my life. I was still attending high school, living with my mother, had no friends and felt like music was the only thing I gave a shit about. That, writing and watching movies all day was pretty much my entire life. My intentions were never for this book to blow up like it did, but the fact that it ever was paid any attention to is a testament to the fact that good things come even when we're least expecting it. Although I was never comfortable with my family reading my books, I was comfortable with 100 thousand strangers commenting, critiquing or even just supporting me from afar. You guys have made me laugh, held me up when I cried, gave me a reason to keep pushing and truly I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I don't know exactly where I'm going next, but all I know is that I hope you guys are there for every second of it. I owe all of this to you, because without readers a book is just a book. Anyone can put words on a page, but it takes a true author to touch somebody's heart, or reach hundreds of people across the world. I hope I've been able to help you guys as much as you've helped me, that's all I ever wanted.

- AHSGEEKS

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