36. Limbo

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In the week following, the days feel strange. Aurora and I don't walk home together anymore. I always stay back at school a little longer than normal, just to make sure we don't end up walking home at the same time. I'm afraid of what I'll say or do if I see her walking those familiar neighborhood roads.

Avoiding Aurora entirely isn't possible though. While we only have a month of school left, I still notice her in the halls, especially with that bright red hair of hers. She stills sits at the same lunch spot every day. And though our desks aren't too close together anymore, we still have Calculus together.

Avoiding her is the best I can do. It's what is the easiest for me, because I'm afraid if I don't keep standing my ground, if I don't keep remaining distant from her, I'll beg for her back. And that's not what I want. I meant what I said to her. I don't want to fool around anymore.

Still, my heart longs for her. There's no denying it. If anything, my feelings have intensified. I know I am not the complete cause for our separation, but sometimes, I do feel like it's my fault, that I've driven my own happiness anyway. Sometimes at night I cry, realizing that I won't be able to kiss her again, or hold her close to my body while we cuddle, or smell her coconut-scented hair. I gave all that up when I put down my boundaries.

Aurora hasn't texted me. She hasn't waited by my locker after school to talk to me. She never approaches me. So she must need the distance too. Whatever conversation we have is minimal and usually forced.

Except today, during Calculus, I see her make her way to my desk. My heart leaps, but I try not to react. In a way, I feel like how I was when I first got to know Aurora, when I was trying to do anything but create a friendship with her. Except this time, I'm trying to drive that friendship away for good, it seems.

"Hi," Aurora says meekly.

"Hi," I grumble, avoiding eye contact.

"Um...did you have a good weekend?"

"It was fine," I lie, because I can't admit I'm still crying over her in my moments of free time. A silence settles between us. She doesn't leave. "Do you need something?"

"Um...I guess I need help with a Calculus question," she says.

"Why don't you ask Brooke for help?"  I ask. Her friend. Someone who's not me.

"Callie," Aurora says, in a tone that almost makes me want to forgive her right there and then, but I hold my ground. I have nothing to say in response, because the teacher enters, and Aurora meanders back to her desk. I can hear Aurora speaking with Brooke quietly.

"What happened?" Brooke asks in more of a whisper, but loud enough for me to hear. Class starts before I can hear if Aurora formulates a response.

A part of me wonders how it can hurt so much to be near her when all I craved for months was her proximity to me. Though we never officially dated, the separation still hurts, and I realize it will probably take me months, maybe even a year, to get over whatever occurred for a few months during my junior year. Especially when I can't deny that I still have feelings for her.

I've been quieter at lunch lately. I can tell Abigail and Hazel aren't pretending to notice, but today, while making prom plans, they seem to notice my indifference.

"Callie?" Hazel asks.

"Sorry, what?" I say, not paying much attention to begin with.

"You are coming to prom, right?"

"Well, I bought a dress, so yeah," I answer. I shouldn't think prom won't be fun. I don't have to bring a date along. In fact, none of my friends are bringing dates, and I like it better that way. But if at any point I see Aurora during the dance, if I see her with a boy, or another girl, God forbid, I think I may have to leave. But I already bought my ticket and promised my friends I'd go, so I suppose I'll go suffer through another high school dance.

"I invited Juliet, but I'm not sure if she'll join us," Hazel says. "Is that okay, Callie?"

"Sure. I don't mind," I murmur. Truly, I don't. Allison has kept her distance, just like I hoped, though I spend more time avoiding a certain redhead in the halls these days. Juliet sits with us on and off, mostly off, but maybe she'll be willing to join us again for one last dance.

"We could get dessert after," Abigail suggests.

"Ooh, at the icecream parlor!" Hazel exclaims.

"I don't know. I might be too tired to get dessert," I say,

"Come on, Callie, you didn't do anything with us after Homecoming!" Hazel complains. "In your defense, I suppose you didn't care for your date, but still."

"I don't know. It depends on how I'm feeling," I decide.

When lunch ends and everyone begins to depart, I say good-bye to Hazel and am about to do the same to Abigail when she grabs my arm and pulls me aside, out of the way of the crowds of girls on their way to afternoon classes.

"Did something happen?" Abigail asks.

"What do you mean?" I wonder.

"What about you and Aurora? Did you two make prom plans?" Abigail wonders.

No, I think. We never had any plans to begin with.

I haven't told Abigail what happened. I haven't told my siblings either, though I think they seem to know that something is troubling me romantically. They're probably just respecting my privacy. Right now though, I don't have the energy to tell Abigail what all went to hell over a week ago. So I pretend. I keep up the lie for Abigail's sake, so she doesn't have to see my sorrow.

"No. It was going to be too complicated. She's going with her friends," I say.

"You've been so down lately though, and I see you just go to the library after school. Weren't you walking home with her?"

"We've both been busy," I lie. "And you know, the household is still awkward."

"Still?"

It is, but it's at least somewhat better than what it was a month prior. I don't want to worry Abigail any more.

"Look, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Sorry I'm not super enthusiastic about prom, but you know how I am about dances. I'm really trying to focus my best on AP tests right now, so that's what's taking up most of my time," I say.

"Okay," Abigail says, releasing her grip on my arm. "Have a good afternoon, then."

"You too," I say, slinking away from her and into the crowd of students. It feels wrong lying to Abigail. I know telling her would give me a bit of comfort, but I feel like she was so excited learning about my love life, and I don't want to disappoint her so quickly.

So, instead, I head to classes, wondering when this limbo of pain, indifference, and grayness will end.

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